thefaunasystem
🍃✨The Fauna System ✨🍃🪦
- Aug 5, 2023
- 43
i'm going to talk about sexual abuse, addiction and self harm. if you don't want to read that, then you know what to do. i just need to get this out somewhere.
there are lots of reasons i want to die. the main one is that i can't bear to live with the consequences of other people's actions. i was born into a family with a long history of abuse, way past my generation. my dad was abused, his dad was abused, and it goes on. i was told from a young age that i was kept in this world to serve a purpose and to be used by my grandad and uncle. i don't remember my dad ever hurting me but my parents let it happen for years. i was so young when it started that my brain made barriers to forget some things. there are things that i have evidence of that i cannot accept and will never have the courage to accept. my grandad died when i was 14 and it stopped then. i reckon i got too old for my uncle by that point but the fact is i was raped for years and years and now i have multiple flashbacks a day. i can't access any targeted trauma therapy through the NHS because of the amount sessions i would need. and i can't afford it.
as i've grown up, i've developed every unhealthy way of coping with what happened to me possible. i became an alcoholic, i got addicted to ketamine, ive cut myself so many times and so severely that i cant feel most of my hands, i sold myself for years because i thought it was all i was good for, i either overeat or starve myself constantly, i got in fights with people on the streets just to feel something, i'm in so much debt because i can't manage my impulses, i've tried to end my life in uneducated ways over 20 times and had 1 very near miss during a thoroughly planned and educated attempt. i'm at the point of no return. no-one is willing to give me the help i would need in order to make my life bearable, and my life is so unmanageable that i can't see a way forward anymore. i can say in all honesty that i have done everything within my power to try and make my life better. i didn't want to make another attempt whilst having it in the back of my mind that i could have tried harder but i could not have tried harder. i've accepted that.
so i made my order from DSL and i'm waiting for it to arrive. i have a script planned for a welfare check if that happens but if i get the parcel before anyone comes sniffing they'll be finding a body, not a person who can be reasoned with. not that they could reason with me anyway. i'm past that point.
thank you for reading if anyone has bothered, wouldn't blame you if you didn't. self-pity is rife in this post. but alas. we move.
there are lots of reasons i want to die. the main one is that i can't bear to live with the consequences of other people's actions. i was born into a family with a long history of abuse, way past my generation. my dad was abused, his dad was abused, and it goes on. i was told from a young age that i was kept in this world to serve a purpose and to be used by my grandad and uncle. i don't remember my dad ever hurting me but my parents let it happen for years. i was so young when it started that my brain made barriers to forget some things. there are things that i have evidence of that i cannot accept and will never have the courage to accept. my grandad died when i was 14 and it stopped then. i reckon i got too old for my uncle by that point but the fact is i was raped for years and years and now i have multiple flashbacks a day. i can't access any targeted trauma therapy through the NHS because of the amount sessions i would need. and i can't afford it.
as i've grown up, i've developed every unhealthy way of coping with what happened to me possible. i became an alcoholic, i got addicted to ketamine, ive cut myself so many times and so severely that i cant feel most of my hands, i sold myself for years because i thought it was all i was good for, i either overeat or starve myself constantly, i got in fights with people on the streets just to feel something, i'm in so much debt because i can't manage my impulses, i've tried to end my life in uneducated ways over 20 times and had 1 very near miss during a thoroughly planned and educated attempt. i'm at the point of no return. no-one is willing to give me the help i would need in order to make my life bearable, and my life is so unmanageable that i can't see a way forward anymore. i can say in all honesty that i have done everything within my power to try and make my life better. i didn't want to make another attempt whilst having it in the back of my mind that i could have tried harder but i could not have tried harder. i've accepted that.
so i made my order from DSL and i'm waiting for it to arrive. i have a script planned for a welfare check if that happens but if i get the parcel before anyone comes sniffing they'll be finding a body, not a person who can be reasoned with. not that they could reason with me anyway. i'm past that point.
thank you for reading if anyone has bothered, wouldn't blame you if you didn't. self-pity is rife in this post. but alas. we move.
