Hi,
I'll start by acknowledging how cool it is seeing an active, popular forum on this enshittified version of the Internet. Last time I signed up for a forum was around 13 years ago, just before Reddit really took off and changed everything.
Anyway. Life with a physical disability is difficult, but not in the way you might think. My disability doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as the social effect it has. Because I'm in a wheelchair, people don't talk to me, talk about me when I'm in the same room as them, see me and treat me like a little child... I could go on and on. The worst part is that most of the time you just feel invisible. I've felt like I barely exist for so long now.
I'm not suicidal because of all this, but being majorly depressed and suicidal while having a physical disability that takes away most or all of your autonomy is a special kind of Hell. There are no methods on this site which I can do on my own, without assistance. So I have to live with the reality that no matter how much I want to catch the bus out, I cannot.
My family has a history of getting old and dying from either cancer or heart issues. My uncle has just survived a 2-year bout with cancer. It's great for him and he's relieved, but I'm not strong enough to go through what he's been through (while in his 70s no less.)
I don't want to keep getting older and certainly don't want to reach 70 or 80 and end up in a nursing home or dealing with cancer or dementia or whatever other joys await me. Neither do I desire slowly dying in some hospital while the staff do all they can to delay the inevitable and thus prolong whatever pain I'll be dealing with.
But, tough luck! Because the reality is I have no say in the matter. Unless I pick up a random, fatal brain aneurysm, all I have to look forward to is either becoming old and belittled, or dying from some horrible disease like cancer. Or maybe both!
I'm strapped in a car without a steering wheel or break, heading off a distant cliff and all I can do is wait for the impact and hope to god that when it comes, it's sudden. That's been my experience of life ever since my mental health crashed about a decade ago.
Sometimes I think - what if I was still happy and content with being alive, like I used to be before the depression came? Would my attitude be different? Possibly. But the thing that sucks about life is that even if you're born ultra-privileged and manage to have the best life possible, you've still gotta die in the end.
For some, death is what gives life its meaning, but imo death proves life is pointless. I'm envious of those who believe in an afterlife, because I don't. As far as I know, one day I'll lose consciousness (hopefully after enduring little-to-no pain) and then it'll be as if none of this ever happened (from my perspective as a dead person.) I don't understand why people get so wrapped-up in whether they'll be remembered. We still remember Shakespeare -- but what does it matter when he's no longer aware of anything?
As a bonus of being one of the 'lucky' ones to grow old, I'll get to watch as everyone dies around me - my parents, sibling, aunts, uncles, etc.
I do have a therapist but I don't feel we've gotten far in a year. I just feel like my life is over and has been for a decade. I don't get joy from anything and don't have anything or anyone to care about.
And mainly I just desperately don't want to grow old and face all the things that come with it. I don't want to pass 40. But the fact is that I have no choice so I have to. Maybe my views would be different if we lived in a world where we respected the elderly and had all the drugs to eliminate pain and ensure a dignified and maybe even pleasurable way to age and die, but we don't. Instead we treat old people like burdens and prolong the process of dying just for the sake of it.
I don't know how long I'll stay on this site or engage with responses. This is just a vent, really. Thanks for reading!
I'll start by acknowledging how cool it is seeing an active, popular forum on this enshittified version of the Internet. Last time I signed up for a forum was around 13 years ago, just before Reddit really took off and changed everything.
Anyway. Life with a physical disability is difficult, but not in the way you might think. My disability doesn't bother me anywhere near as much as the social effect it has. Because I'm in a wheelchair, people don't talk to me, talk about me when I'm in the same room as them, see me and treat me like a little child... I could go on and on. The worst part is that most of the time you just feel invisible. I've felt like I barely exist for so long now.
I'm not suicidal because of all this, but being majorly depressed and suicidal while having a physical disability that takes away most or all of your autonomy is a special kind of Hell. There are no methods on this site which I can do on my own, without assistance. So I have to live with the reality that no matter how much I want to catch the bus out, I cannot.
My family has a history of getting old and dying from either cancer or heart issues. My uncle has just survived a 2-year bout with cancer. It's great for him and he's relieved, but I'm not strong enough to go through what he's been through (while in his 70s no less.)
I don't want to keep getting older and certainly don't want to reach 70 or 80 and end up in a nursing home or dealing with cancer or dementia or whatever other joys await me. Neither do I desire slowly dying in some hospital while the staff do all they can to delay the inevitable and thus prolong whatever pain I'll be dealing with.
But, tough luck! Because the reality is I have no say in the matter. Unless I pick up a random, fatal brain aneurysm, all I have to look forward to is either becoming old and belittled, or dying from some horrible disease like cancer. Or maybe both!
I'm strapped in a car without a steering wheel or break, heading off a distant cliff and all I can do is wait for the impact and hope to god that when it comes, it's sudden. That's been my experience of life ever since my mental health crashed about a decade ago.
Sometimes I think - what if I was still happy and content with being alive, like I used to be before the depression came? Would my attitude be different? Possibly. But the thing that sucks about life is that even if you're born ultra-privileged and manage to have the best life possible, you've still gotta die in the end.
For some, death is what gives life its meaning, but imo death proves life is pointless. I'm envious of those who believe in an afterlife, because I don't. As far as I know, one day I'll lose consciousness (hopefully after enduring little-to-no pain) and then it'll be as if none of this ever happened (from my perspective as a dead person.) I don't understand why people get so wrapped-up in whether they'll be remembered. We still remember Shakespeare -- but what does it matter when he's no longer aware of anything?
As a bonus of being one of the 'lucky' ones to grow old, I'll get to watch as everyone dies around me - my parents, sibling, aunts, uncles, etc.
I do have a therapist but I don't feel we've gotten far in a year. I just feel like my life is over and has been for a decade. I don't get joy from anything and don't have anything or anyone to care about.
And mainly I just desperately don't want to grow old and face all the things that come with it. I don't want to pass 40. But the fact is that I have no choice so I have to. Maybe my views would be different if we lived in a world where we respected the elderly and had all the drugs to eliminate pain and ensure a dignified and maybe even pleasurable way to age and die, but we don't. Instead we treat old people like burdens and prolong the process of dying just for the sake of it.
I don't know how long I'll stay on this site or engage with responses. This is just a vent, really. Thanks for reading!
