My brother died.

[pechaberry]

Some of you might know, idk I was waiting for my sick family members to pass before I ctb. Well, my other brother, who was not sick, just fucking died. Now I have 2 dying family members and one dead family member. There are 4 people on this earth who are my family. One is dead. Two are dying, and now mom will be all alone if I go too. I have no idea how I'm supposed to live after this. It hurts so fucking bad. I have no idea how I'm supposed to make it to the end. How can I keep going. One of my sick family members has already been clinically dead and revived. All of this has happened within the last year. My heart aches so fucking bad. I feel like I can't make it any longer. I'm in fucking agony. My poor poor brother.

 

[geepeedee]

sorry for your loss. how did he die?

 

[pechaberry]

sorry for your loss. how did he die?

Drug overdose. Possibly accidental possibly on purpose. He's been addicted to drugs since like 13. We had a rough relationship because of it and the anger it gave him. I was a piece of trash sister and essentially cut him off the last few years. I feel like a fucking monster. I wish more than anything I could just say I'm sorry. He lived such a lonely fucking life. It was just hard to stay in contact because sometimes he would be really cruel. I just can't handle losing this many people in a year. I'm 31. How does someone lose their whole family in a year at 31? My mom and dad found his dead body. She is slowly losing her mind because of all this.

 

[geepeedee]

Drug overdose.

hopefully he went peacefully.

 

[pechaberry]

hopefully he went peacefully.

My mom said he looked really peaceful. His drug of choice was usually opioids so I can only hope. He suffered so much in this life. I just worry he didn't actually want this and it breaks my heart. He was never suicidal even when his life was at its breaking point. He was always optimistic and wanting to try something else to keep going. My mom doesn't want to have a funeral and I just can't fucking believe it. Everyone deserves a funeral. I just want to go say goodbye and that I'm so sorry.

I have so many unanswered messages like this from him. I don't know how to deal with this guilt. I feel fucking sick to my stomach.

 

[graveflower]

I am so horribly sorry to hear. I couldn't even begin to fathom the anguish you're in right now- please, please take care of yourself tonight. You and your family will be in my thoughts. As for the funeral thing-- try to gently push back on it to your mother, maybe not tonight though, if you feel that would be best. Especially if you also think that is what your brother would've wanted. Even a small gathering or celebration of life means something.

Just try to focus on getting through this night, though. Allow yourself to feel everything that is coming to you- some of the feelings will be unreasonable, others not so much. Guilt is a normal thing to be feeling- but keep in mind, its only a feeling. You're a person too. I think right now that guilt is just your love for him in disguise. Don't let today be the day you make big decisions about everything...allow yourself to be and feel.

 

[peacebenow]

I am so sorry to hear. sending moments of peace to you. wrap yourself in as much love as you can tonight.

 

[Matchaaa]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know losing a loved one can be incredibly painful. Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up — they're completely normal. Hopefully, with time, things will become a little easier to bear.

If discussing this tactfully with your mother feels difficult, would it be possible for you to arrange the funeral yourself?
That might give you the space to say a proper goodbye, if that's something you're able to do.

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

I'm so sorry OP! I know the feeling... makes you sick to your stomach and makes your heart want to explode.

OP if you have a bit of money, ($50-200) and open to spirituality, would you consider getting a Vedic Astrology past life reading? Or going to a Medium...it could help you understand why this is all happening all at the same time (Vedic), and maybe a Medium can help you feel relief and connectedness to them... Not meant to offend. 2 things I've been through to keep me alive a little longer after loss. Big internet hugs.

 

[cyanidekitty]

I have so many unanswered messages like this from him. I don't know how to deal with this guilt. I feel fucking sick to my stomach.

damn dude i feel for u and ur family. stuff like that hurts to look at (obviously.) try not to beat urself up too bad tho. strained relationships are very much a thing & sometimes theres just not much u can do to help that.

i hope your brother is at peace now. & i hope your parents & urself will be able to eventually power through

 

[Kanau_Nano]

That's so unbelievably painful. I can't think of much to say, except how that's so terrible to go through.

 

[pechaberry]

I am so horribly sorry to hear. I couldn't even begin to fathom the anguish you're in right now- please, please take care of yourself tonight. You and your family will be in my thoughts. As for the funeral thing-- try to gently push back on it to your mother, maybe not tonight though, if you feel that would be best. Especially if you also think that is what your brother would've wanted. Even a small gathering or celebration of life means something.

Just try to focus on getting through this night, though. Allow yourself to feel everything that is coming to you- some of the feelings will be unreasonable, others not so much. Guilt is a normal thing to be feeling- but keep in mind, its only a feeling. You're a person too. I think right now that guilt is just your love for him in disguise. Don't let today be the day you make big decisions about everything...allow yourself to be and feel.

damn dude i feel for u and ur family. stuff like that hurts to look at (obviously.) try not to beat urself up too bad tho. strained relationships are very much a thing & sometimes theres just not much u can do to help that.

i hope your brother is at peace now. & i hope your parents & urself will be able to eventually power through

That's so unbelievably painful. I can't think of much to say, except how that's so terrible to go through.

I'm so sorry OP! I know the feeling... makes you sick to your stomach and makes your heart want to explode.

OP if you have a bit of money, ($50-200) and open to spirituality, would you consider getting a Vedic Astrology past life reading? Or going to a Medium...it could help you understand why this is all happening all at the same time (Vedic), and maybe a Medium can help you feel relief and connectedness to them... Not meant to offend. 2 things I've been through to keep me alive a little longer after loss. Big internet hugs.

Thank you for the kind words, guys. I am fucking devastated. I'm trying to make it through the night. I'm on my like max dose of lorazepam right now, just trying to not follow him and apologize. I feel sick to my fucking stomach. I've never really believed in an afterlife, but maybe I will try a medium. I'm fucking broke right now, so maybe in a few years. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for how I treated him. I keep forgetting he died and wanting to call him and apologize.

 

[flowerbomb]

I am so sorry for your loss!!

 

[pechaberry]

I found this sweet picture of us as kids. He put his hat on my head haha. I miss him so much. I want to just hug him again

 

[ilovenewyork]

MyHeritage Deep Nostalgia™, deep learning technology to animate the faces in still family photos - MyHeritage

MyHeritage Deep Nostalgia™, video reenactment technology to animate the faces in still photos and create high-quality, realistic video footage.

www.myheritage.com

 

[graveflower]

Mediums suggest waiting a bit before making contact with our loved ones who have passed anyways, so no rush- the ones I've talked to, anyways.

You are still in my thoughts- thank you for sharing that photo. Memories can't be taken away and there is an abundance of people here willing to support you. Hope you're doing as okay as you can be.