Venting Multiplicity/Dissociative Disorders

[bug_muncher]

I just wanted to write this to share my experiences and hopefully connect with others like me. First of all, I want to say I am not diagnosed with anything and I'm not claiming to have any specific disorders, but I just suspect it.
I have known that I tend to "switch" from different identities for a few years now. The main one (that actually created this account) used to be very suicidal and still is at times. He hates being like this and not having control over his life. I used to take over when he was stressed, or try to talk him out of attempts but recently I have given up. I am also tired of being like this. Being scared I will lose control of myself, and not even knowing why I am like this or what caused this, or how to fix it. I am ashamed of the way I am, and I don't even know why... Feeling like I'm always missing something, like I'm not a real person but a fragment of one or of what was supposed to be.
I started being suicidal at the age of 9, but I don't know what caused me to start thinking about that or even what kind of child I was. If anyone can relate, I'd love to hear your stories!

 

[anopenwound]

I can relate, but not from a DID pov - from a BPD pov. Splitting is something I've been struggling with all my life, also cause I was diagnosed autistic - BPD is the most recent diagnosis.

It's like, what if the angel and demon on your shoulder scenario was manifesting IRL at all times. A trigger comes along and all hell breaks loose. There's the most intense and totalizing form of joy buried deep within me along with the kind of pain that brought me on this website. I know what you mean - I'm so deeply ashamed of this myself. I just wish I could function like a normal person but I lose control all the time, it takes me all I have to keep a facade on and most of the times it's not worth it.

Difference is I can gauge why I'm like this. It's all very unpleasant.

 

[bug_muncher]

I can relate, but not from a DID pov - from a BPD pov. Splitting is something I've been struggling with all my life, also cause I was diagnosed autistic - BPD is the most recent diagnosis.

It's like, what if the angel and demon on your shoulder scenario was manifesting IRL at all times. A trigger comes along and all hell breaks loose. There's the most intense and totalizing form of joy buried deep within me along with the kind of pain that brought me on this website. I know what you mean - I'm so deeply ashamed of this myself. I just wish I could function like a normal person but I lose control all the time, it takes me all I have to keep a facade on and most of the times it's not worth it.

Difference is I can gauge why I'm like this. It's all very unpleasant.

I'm happy you can relate, but also saddened of course.
I understand what that's like, although probably not to the scale you experience it since I doubt I have BPD. On good days, it's like all the problems I've had never existed or mattered, and then something happens, sometimes it's just something small, and I start spiraling. It's hard not to be ashamed by the things we can't control, but I wish we didn't have to feel that way.
It's all quite unfortunate, but I thank you for sharing your experiences ♡