mind is actually breaking

[wearetired]

we can feel it. we're about to split, at least one but potentially multiple new parts are about to get spit out. we've been outside of our window of tolerance for stress/dissociation for way too long. and now, we're splitting. cannot even begin to describe the way this internal process feels. everything is m u s h. all new memories are going thru a kind of processing. don't know what this new person is going to be like, what purpose they'll serve, I fear they'll replace me as host. that's what happened last time something like this happened, we split a bunch of parts and got a new host (me).

god, I know it's in the username, but we are so tired. so tired of trying to get better and only ending up in shitty situations that inevitably make our numbers grow. so tired. so tired. so tired. so alone, we have each other, but nobody else, and we are so tired of only having each other, and making more of each other every time each other isn't enough. ultimately, that's why we're CTB.

actually. I can explain what this feels like. please go to YouTube. search "kodokushi-deviloof". you've done that? wonderful, fast forward to 1:30 (should hear the word "shide" repeated before a drawn out "I'm over this" kind of groaning sound). what follows is how this feels. that is an accurate representation of how the inside our our brain is right now.