Meaningless diary entry

[burninghill]

To be honest, I sort of just want to waffle.

Today is the 13th and I'll be attempting suicide on the 15th/16th. I've been home alone all day and ordered some good food, sushi and I'm about to try out wingstop. Yay.

Last night I couldn't stop thinking about laying down on the rails in the cold. I have a lot of trauma from my last attempt to the point where I can't lay down without being taken back there, it was so lonely and dark and I felt empowered and scared at the same time.
Every day I feel more and more disconnected from myself, I've felt more of a disconnection between my mind and my body. I've started to see suicide as more of a release from my body. I've always felt trapped inside of someone else, not necessarily dysphoric but just misplaced. Like whoever was in this body before died and now I'm here. I wish that the girl here before was here to help me. She was young when she disappeared but I still want her back. I feel like the best thing I can do is to stop dragging her body along and to just kill it, that way we can both go to somewhere better.

I'm still trying to figure out some music to listen to when I die, I've found some really good stuff recently.

My suicide date depends on if I decide having one more good hangout matters. My boyfriend is next off on Monday and I can get away with dying on Tuesday (in terms of the tides. It should just be low enough for me to access my spot at the right time). It would be nice to see him, but at the end of the day what difference does it make? Being dead is being dead. My conscience won't remember having 'one last good day' once I'm gone.

How is everybody else doing? I want to hear from anybody reading this.

 

[The Disqualified]

Hi. I hear you.

I am doing ok today.
My course load has significantly decreased these days, so I have more time now.
I have been sleeping a bit better as well.

How are you?
I hope you took these last few days to enjoy your time with your little sister, and to reflect on your life (and your decision to end it) as well.

I am here if you wish to talk.
It seems like you've gone through a lot in life. Life can be very harsh, can't it?
I understand.

 

[burninghill]

Hi. I hear you.

I am doing ok today.
My course load has significantly decreased these days, so I have more time now.
I have been sleeping a bit better as well.

How are you?
I hope you took these last few days to enjoy your time with your little sister, and to reflect on your life (and your decision to end it) as well.

I am here if you wish to talk.
It seems like you've gone through a lot in life. Life can be very harsh, can't it?
I understand.

Hi, I'm really glad you've been sleeping better. Honestly having a hard time sleeping is so torturous. What will you do with the time you have?

I'm okay. Things have gotten really hard over the last two days. A lot worse than they were before. Somehow I'm managing, sort of. Life can be harsh, I've been quite lucky generally. If I had a different brain things would be perfect, I wish that was how it was. Thank you for hearing me

 

[The Disqualified]

Hi, I'm really glad you've been sleeping better. Honestly having a hard time sleeping is so torturous.

Yeah. Bad sleep has ruined me a lot. Though I have been taking melatonin and just forcing myself to wake up early these days.

What will you do with the time you have?

I am not quite sure.
I have been working on a personal project of mine these days.
But overall, I struggle to be that productive. I spend a good chunk of my time bed-rotting or scrolling on my phone to distract myself.

I want to do many things, but struggle to keep them up.

I'm okay. Things have gotten really hard over the last two days. A lot worse than they were before. Somehow I'm managing, sort of. Life can be harsh, I've been quite lucky generally.

I am sorry to hear that.

If I had a different brain things would be perfect, I wish that was how it was

You mention a "past self" of yours that has since apparently left your body.
Has anything triggered this image on your mind? Of a sweet little girl now gone?

I have been going through some old stuff of mine, and it can be jarring to see you as a child compared to your current self.
It is scary how fast time flies. I feel like I am starting to lose control of the flow of life...

Are you sure you're not the same person from before? Perhaps you just changed a lot. I guess this can happen, in life.
I can relate to disassociating like that; perhaps this is something related to a mental health condition you have.

Thank you for hearing me

No problem. I thank you for hearing me as well.
Sending virtual hugs.

 

[burninghill]

overall, I struggle to be that productive. I spend a good chunk of my time bed-rotting or scrolling my phone to distract myself.

Me too haha. Can I ask what your project is about? No pressure

Has anything triggered this image on your mind? Of a sweet little girl now gone?

I'm not really sure. It's hard to pinpoint a time when I started to feel this way, I've been suicidal and depressed for almost half my life but not always with this aspect of disconnection. It's really hard for me to consider the idea that I'm the same person as before, I know that I technically am but it just doesn't feel possible to me. I really don't know where this comes from at all. I guess that's just what happens when you've been depressed for a really long time, you start to feel like you've lost parts of yourself.

I also just want to say that I really value my conversations with you. I really like what I know of you as a person.

 

[The Disqualified]

Can I ask what your project is about? No pressure

Sure, you can ask me that question — I will be waiting.
Sorry, that was a bad joke haha :)

Actually, it is a way for me to practice my skills related to my bachelor degree, but it is too early to share anything right now.

I'm not really sure. It's hard to pinpoint a time when I started to feel this way, I've been suicidal and depressed for almost half my life but not always with this aspect of disconnection. It's really hard for me to consider the idea that I'm the same person as before, I know that I technically am but it just doesn't feel possible to me. I really don't know where this comes from at all. I guess that's just what happens when you've been depressed for a really long time, you start to feel like you've lost parts of yourself.

I empathize with you. It sucks you have suffered for so long. That reminds me of myself.
I have been depressed my whole life, as I was always lonely and anxious.
I had my first suicidal thoughts at 12 or so, but the thoughts only became very serious a couple of years ago, a bit before I joined this site.

I really don't know where this comes from at all.

Have you ever explored where your depression comes from?
I guess this is a deeply personal question...

I noticed that learning more about where my suffering seems to come from has helped me make my recovery goals more actionable and less vague.

 

[burninghill]

I had my first suicidal thoughts at 12 or so, but the thoughts only became very serious a couple of years ago, a bit before I joined this site.

This is also my experience. I guess at some point I realised that I wasn't 13 anymore and I could actually kill myself, it didn't have to be some distant fantasy or dormant thought.

Have you ever explored where your depression comes from?

I wouldn't even know where to start. It's probably some kind of deep self-hatred. I'm always surprised by how insecure I feel sometimes. I think that I'm a very confident person in general but I think that that confidence is also quite shallow, if that makes sense?
Other than that, I'm not sure. I just always feel this sense of dissatisfaction and numbness that I can't seem to fix no matter what I do, achieve or have.

 

[The Disqualified]

I wouldn't even know where to start. It's probably some kind of deep self-hatred. I'm always surprised by how insecure I feel sometimes. I think that I'm a very confident person in general but I think that that confidence is also quite shallow, if that makes sense?

Yes, it makes sense.
I think I can grasp this. Even as a more introverted person, I have learned to become much more assertive in recent times. I guess "assertive" is a decent word to describe this.

I can, apparently, sometimes come off as loud, confident and even sociable around other people; this is something that surprised me. I guess I have had a distorted vision of myself.
However, I am not even sure if that is an authentic version of mine. The real, more intimate version of myself is largely kept hidden from everyone.
I just feel like social interaction is so draining and fake, though I have developed the ability to talk to people about study and even life stuff in some casual settings with effort.

I just think that we all feel so insecure at the end of the day. It is all so fake and performative, at least for me. I wish I could just "take it easy".

It seems you may not have a stable sense of self, and by that I mean who you are as a person, but I am not a psychologist. I guess only a therapist can help you explore these feelings in a more structured way.

Other than that, I'm not sure. I just always feel this sense of dissatisfaction and numbness that I can't seem to fix no matter what I do, achieve or have.

Is there anything that brings you satisfaction in life? Any goals, interests, beliefs? Any sort of thing that you could see moving you forward, even if a little bit?

For me, I have many topics I take an interest in. That said, my life has been lonely and difficult, even though I had a somewhat priviliged upbringing in terms of education and stuff I could have.
But I guess you can't buy certain things in life.
You can't buy happines, for one.

Truthfully, it sounds very cool that you are a painter, as it seems like a very interesting thing for one to pursue in life. I am not sure why you chose this, but I still thoughr worth mentioning it.

Perhaps you could make a painting to your boyfriend, or something cute like that.

Anyway, I will log off now as I have to sleep now.
It is late where I live.
Sending virtual hugs.