Meaningless diary entry

[burninghill]

To be honest, I sort of just want to waffle.

Today is the 13th and I'll be attempting suicide on the 15th/16th. I've been home alone all day and ordered some good food, sushi and I'm about to try out wingstop. Yay.

Last night I couldn't stop thinking about laying down on the rails in the cold. I have a lot of trauma from my last attempt to the point where I can't lay down without being taken back there, it was so lonely and dark and I felt empowered and scared at the same time.
Every day I feel more and more disconnected from myself, I've felt more of a disconnection between my mind and my body. I've started to see suicide as more of a release from my body. I've always felt trapped inside of someone else, not necessarily dysphoric but just misplaced. Like whoever was in this body before died and now I'm here. I wish that the girl here before was here to help me. She was young when she disappeared but I still want her back. I feel like the best thing I can do is to stop dragging her body along and to just kill it, that way we can both go to somewhere better.

I'm still trying to figure out some music to listen to when I die, I've found some really good stuff recently.

My suicide date depends on if I decide having one more good hangout matters. My boyfriend is next off on Monday and I can get away with dying on Tuesday (in terms of the tides. It should just be low enough for me to access my spot at the right time). It would be nice to see him, but at the end of the day what difference does it make? Being dead is being dead. My conscience won't remember having 'one last good day' once I'm gone.

How is everybody else doing? I want to hear from anybody reading this.

 

[The Disqualified]

Hi. I hear you.

I am doing ok today.
My course load has significantly decreased these days, so I have more time now.
I have been sleeping a bit better as well.

How are you?
I hope you took these last few days to enjoy your time with your little sister, and to reflect on your life (and your decision to end it) as well.

I am here if you wish to talk.
It seems like you've gone through a lot in life. Life can be very harsh, can't it?
I understand.

 

[burninghill]

Hi. I hear you.

I am doing ok today.
My course load has significantly decreased these days, so I have more time now.
I have been sleeping a bit better as well.

How are you?
I hope you took these last few days to enjoy your time with your little sister, and to reflect on your life (and your decision to end it) as well.

I am here if you wish to talk.
It seems like you've gone through a lot in life. Life can be very harsh, can't it?
I understand.

Hi, I'm really glad you've been sleeping better. Honestly having a hard time sleeping is so torturous. What will you do with the time you have?

I'm okay. Things have gotten really hard over the last two days. A lot worse than they were before. Somehow I'm managing, sort of. Life can be harsh, I've been quite lucky generally. If I had a different brain things would be perfect, I wish that was how it was. Thank you for hearing me

 

[The Disqualified]

Hi, I'm really glad you've been sleeping better. Honestly having a hard time sleeping is so torturous.

Yeah. Bad sleep has ruined me a lot. Though I have been taking melatonin and just forcing myself to wake up early these days.

What will you do with the time you have?

I am not quite sure.
I have been working on a personal project of mine these days.
But overall, I struggle to be that productive. I spend a good chunk of my time bed-rotting or scrolling on my phone to distract myself.

I want to do many things, but struggle to keep them up.

I'm okay. Things have gotten really hard over the last two days. A lot worse than they were before. Somehow I'm managing, sort of. Life can be harsh, I've been quite lucky generally.

I am sorry to hear that.

If I had a different brain things would be perfect, I wish that was how it was

You mention a "past self" of yours that has since apparently left your body.
Has anything triggered this image on your mind? Of a sweet little girl now gone?

I have been going through some old stuff of mine, and it can be jarring to see you as a child compared to your current self.
It is scary how fast time flies. I feel like I am starting to lose control of the flow of life...

Are you sure you're not the same person from before? Perhaps you just changed a lot. I guess this can happen, in life.
I can relate to disassociating like that; perhaps this is something related to a mental health condition you have.

Thank you for hearing me

No problem. I thank you for hearing me as well.
Sending virtual hugs.

 

[burninghill]

overall, I struggle to be that productive. I spend a good chunk of my time bed-rotting or scrolling my phone to distract myself.

Me too haha. Can I ask what your project is about? No pressure

Has anything triggered this image on your mind? Of a sweet little girl now gone?

I'm not really sure. It's hard to pinpoint a time when I started to feel this way, I've been suicidal and depressed for almost half my life but not always with this aspect of disconnection. It's really hard for me to consider the idea that I'm the same person as before, I know that I technically am but it just doesn't feel possible to me. I really don't know where this comes from at all. I guess that's just what happens when you've been depressed for a really long time, you start to feel like you've lost parts of yourself.

I also just want to say that I really value my conversations with you. I really like what I know of you as a person.