Venting Me and my bf broke up and now I think I’m ready to go through

[NotButter]

I've already been to inpatient since I was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger the first time. My boyfriend was the only thing keeping me alive and I just broke up with him, and I don't even know why. Maybe I just wasn't happy with him anymore or maybe I'm subconsciously ready to ctb. I've been trying to fill my life with hookups and emotionless sex but it's not working. Because at the end of it all I feel dirty, useless, stupid, and like a fucking slut. I hate that I'm gay, I hate that I'm tall, I hate that I'm a nerd, I hate that I'm ugly, and I hate that no matter what I do and no matter how many therapist and meds I go on nothing changes. Why didn't I just do it the first time? Sometimes I lay in my bed and wonder if I'm faking all this. If I'm faking the self harm, the attempts, the crying just for some desperate cry for attention. Just for someone, anyone to come and comfort me because I'm a pathetic person that doesn't know how to get attention. But I'm ranting and I hate self pity so I'll end it here. Maybe I'll buy some SN since I'm not legally allowed to own a gun anymore.

 

[chester]

Let me start with this:
1. There's nothing wrong with being gay.
2. I can't imagine how being tall can be something to hate yourself for. I'm tall myself and I think it's an asset.
3. Being a nerd - what I hate about it is the stigma that comes with the word "nerd". I'm a nerd of sort myself, I'm interested in things others don't care about and I couldn't care less about the mainstream stuff. I think it makes you a more interesting person.
4. Being ugly - I haven't seen you, but what I know is that people are often incapable of judging their looks objectively.

I've recently lost my SO to cancer and I know what it's like to suddenly have nobody to tell you that they're right here with you and it's going to be okay. Keep in mind though, that feeling "I've never wanted to be dead as much as now" isn't the same as "I'm ready to kill myself". Don't do things that make you feel worse hoping they'll push you over the edge. They most likely won't. Take your time, killing yourself is something you can always do later. In the meantime you can always explore other options. You'll either find a reason for not doing it, or you'll become sure you want to do it. Right now you're stuck in between and it's a place a lot of us here find ourselves in, myself included. It's the most awful place to be, but you're not alone here.