Venting Major life screwup.

[babylxlah]

i feel so much despair.

i have a psychiatric condition which has so far destroyed my life. my brain is in constant tatters, my self image is unhinged and delusional, i am at an all time low, constantly hurting and spiraling and what hurts most is that my condition is treatable but i've already done so much damage the idea of starting again hurts.

im married to an amazing man, who i've destroyed. my trauma and pain eats at him like a parasite but he's the only one i love and all i ever want but all my issues have just shaped him into someone who could never love me normally ever again. he will always know and remember me as the insane me. the worst me.

it could take years and years to get better, but the damage is already done. i am pathetic. i've ruined this man's life and i've traumatized him so deeply just trying to deal with my own trauma.

all i want now is for it to stop. i can't expect anything from the people around me no one deserves to be hurt just by getting in radius of me. i am so alone. i don't even want to die I just want it to stop.

i just want to be erased from the earth.

but a smudge.

 

[louboutinsuicide]

what do you mean you trajmatized him. i relate

 

[babylxlah]

what do you mean you trajmatized him. i relate

im sorry i totally didnt see this. Years ago now I tried to ctb and he was who ultimately saved me.
Obviously hes traumatized. He doesn't really do anything to resolve that trauma though but he DOES manage to bring it up every time my depression gets bad.

 

[vascomorrow]

im sorry i totally didnt see this. Years ago now I tried to ctb and he was who ultimately saved me.
Obviously hes traumatized. He doesn't really do anything to resolve that trauma though but he DOES manage to bring it up every time my depression gets bad.

Have hope for the future.

My fiance tried to ctb a few times. I had saved her twice. But the thing that traumatized me was finding her corpse.

If youre working on yourself and getting better thats the main thing. He will stick by you and love you.

I know its hard, but think of the future and not the past.

Its not how you start but how you finish.

Stay strong. Hugs.