Lying about improvement.

[Karrikin]

I've been in constant desire to end myself for pretty much my whole life. However, recently I've become dissuaded given the friends and people I've met. I'm now stuck between going through with it and potentially fixing myself and maybe gaining some happiness. I've had it happen before where I became close with a group of people only for all of us to become distant, and all I've ever known are online friends and I can't remember even having a friend in real life. But to this extent, they are only surface level friends, and being that I probably don't mean that much to them I also have to consider the fact that it'll probably end up another situation where I'm left isolated again. I've also had a conversation (or at least the closest thing to it I could keep up given my social ineptitude) in which I explained to one of them my intentions. She seemed supportive and tried to help me out and I made it seem like I planned to improve which I didn't. But now I do? I'm unsure as to how to continue, I've discerned that maybe this is me clinging on to any form of attention given the lack of it I've had throughout my whole life and if it takes only meeting a couple people for me to reconsider my suicide maybe I'm not so willing to go through with it which bothers me deeply.
Yet its all I can ever think about, all I can ever look forward to, all I ever prospect about.