Venting lower and lower

[opheliaoveragain]

I wish I could shut off my empathy for others a lot of the time. my home is at rock bottom but no one sees it. I cry out for help and it's no one's fault because the world is on fire and if you're like me, you subconsciously feel this growing tension even if you attempt to avoid the news. seeing the BLM plaza torn up broke my heart. I don't see this getting better for me and I just want to stop fighting and trying and follow my friends into nothingness. I haven't eaten in over 24 hours. I don't care. my ED has only gotten worse as things in the US spin out of control. I don't fucking care. i've asked several professionals this: how much is one person meant to bear? how much abuse, how much betrayal by family and friends, loss, loss, loss, years of suicidal tendencies? how much til it's enough? rhetorical. these limits are ours. i'm sick of myself, this world, this place.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

tbh I think this thread is going to turn into seeing how long I can go. it's way too easy for me to throw out food despite hating the food waste in the states with a passion; it is the disordered part of my brain. there's not much but water in my fridge but i'd feel better if it was nothing but water.

I don't feel fully mentally here. I went out for a walk at four am ish, hoping someone would hit me with their car or just shoot me (high crime city)

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time and struggling so much. I have always been impressed by your empathy and positive thoughts. I have noticed that you don't seem to post as much lately.
It's so much easier to look at others problems and feel empathetic and try to help them than it is to look at our own where we never seem to be able to find a solution.

I am in the US too, and it is freaking crazy here. It certainly doesn't help those of us that are already struggling. Funny you mentioned the BLM Plaza (which honestly I didn't previously know even existed ) because I saw a headline about it yesterday, but it was so far down and I couldn't believe it was not being made more of a big deal. But unfortunately you know who probably ordered it and he makes it absolutely crazy here that there are so many unbelievable headlines that something that would normally be big news falls through the cracks.

I wish I had an answer for how much a person is supposed to bear but I wonder that too and it's not even about myself- It's about others I see suffering. I hope you find peace. Whatever that may mean.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

i've been withdrawn. even from this place since almost all my contact with users here is here. empathy burn out is real for me as a person, yet I feel immense guilt being late to a goodbye thread etc no matter who it is here. I give a fuck. part of me wishes I could write it all off including things in my real life.

I googled high places near me, there's a chance i'm not being fully imaginative but typical things like buildings and bridges that would be close to a guarantee aren't easily accessed.
I tell myself it intermittent fasting when in reality it my last attempt at any kind of immediate control. esp if I purge what I may eat, it damages the heart muscle. no one will care enough to interfere.

clearly in a manic ish place.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

I don't think we've interacted much, Ophelia, but I had noticed that I hadnt seen you around on the forum recently and wondered if you were ok. You have always stood out to me as so consistently kind and supportive - including some exceptionally kind acts like being there for maynoname in their last moments - so I'm really sorry to hear you're experiencing empathy burnout. In a better world, being so empathic would be a gift, but in this shitty world it must absolutely feel more like a curse. I wish we could do something to take some of the pain away for you.

 

[CatLvr]

Oh girl! My heart breaks for you because, like you, I am empathic. To a fault it seems. I have been compelled to contact you SO many times in the last few days. But I also sensed you needed some space, because I didn't want you worrying how your "drop off" was gonna affect me.

Please know that I am here for you, any day, any time, for anything you need. And I think you need to hear this from someone who loves you unconditionally -- you are the sister I have never had -- that while it will leave a hole in my heart that will never be filled, if you decide it is time to go, then I support that. No one should HAVE to suffer this world unless they CHOOSE to. And, if you choose to stay, for however long, I am here for you. Blessed be, my sister. May the spirits cover and comfort you, and all the friends who have gone before give you a piece of the quiet contentment they now have.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I don't think we've interacted much, Ophelia, but I had noticed that I hadnt seen you around on the forum recently and wondered if you were ok. You have always stood out to me as so consistently kind and supportive - including some exceptionally kind acts like being there for maynoname in their last moments - so I'm really sorry to hear you're experiencing empathy burnout. In a better world, being so empathic would be a gift, but in this shitty world it must absolutely feel more like a curse. I wish we could do something to take some of the pain away for you.

just talking and knowing i'm not alone helps more than I can say. so thank you. and thank you for your words around may.

Oh girl! My heart breaks for you because, like you, I am empathic. To a fault it seems. I have been compelled to contact you SO many times in the last few days. But I also sensed you needed some space, because I didn't want you worrying how your "drop off" was gonna affect me.

Please know that I am here for you, any day, any time, for anything you need. And I think you need to hear this from someone who loves you unconditionally -- you are the sister I have never had -- that while it will leave a hole in my heart that will never be filled, if you decide it is time to go, then I support that. No one should HAVE to suffer this world unless they CHOOSE to. And, if you choose to stay, for however long, I am here for you. Blessed be, my sister. May the spirits cover and comfort you, and all the friends who have gone before give you a piece of the quiet contentment they now have.

you are so intuitive like me. I hope you know I have so much love for you. your messages and words mean the absolute world, always.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Being an empath is so draining. I hear you. There are so many days that I wish I could just be a narcissist and not give an F about anything. We feel too much. It's both a blessing and a curse. I'm sorry you're in turmoil right now. You are not alone. My heart is with you

 

[opheliaoveragain]

still haven't eaten. but i'm trying to clean a bit and listen to music. thank you to every reply every interaction every message thus far I truly love this community.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

score. I found some leftover ketamine. maybe I can finally stop crying and get a fucking full breath.

I don't know if this will make sense but when i'm feeling bad or anxious, there's a breath "hump" I can't surpass to get a full breath.

 

[Dante_]

score. I found some leftover ketamine. maybe I can finally stop crying and get a fucking full breath.

I don't know if this will make sense but when i'm feeling bad or anxious, there's a breath "hump" I can't surpass to get a full breath.

I hope you'll be ok, Ophelia

 

[ForestGhost]

Radiating back some of the love you've shown me and so many others on this forum, Ophelia. Hoping you can be as gentle with yourself as possible during this painful time.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Radiating back some of the love you've shown me and so many others on this forum, Ophelia. Hoping you can be as gentle with yourself as possible during this painful time.

Love to you FG. Thank you. Doing my best.