I've been a victim of repeated SA starting when I was 13. I've lived 30 years of my life alternating between long stretches of complete aloofness and rare episodes of suicidal hysteria. The only thing that ever could reassure me and help me get through the toughest parts was the thought of my own death. I never even once thought I could "have a crush" on someone, let alone fall in love, mostly because I never felt like anyone could love me/find any worth in who I am: my aloofness protected me from actually having to experience rejection.
A little less than a year ago I experienced for the first time what it felt like to meet someone who, by their nature and general behaviour (looks too but this is accessory), became an essential, irreplaceable presence in my life. Call it love if you want to... I see it more as an unhealthy addiction.
Why unhealthy? If I'm more than 3 days without seeing them I start recoiling and can spend entire days either lying in the dark or drinking alone in my apartment until I pass out.
I should also say: I have confessed my "love" for this person. They have made it quite clear that they are wholly uninterested in me beyond our friendship.
I can't imagine telling them how much their indifference affects me, or how suicidal I feel, as this would probably hurt them in a way that it would ruin our friendship. I don't feel like they are emotionally stable and/or reliable enough to help me get through this and I also don't feel like it is their responsibility to do so.
Is there a way out of all this pain? It hurts me in the chest, constantly, from the moment I wake up. The bitterness and the jealousy are making me feel more miserable than ever. Yet I know if I cut ties with them it'll probably be the end of me.
I feel like the only thing standing between me and my own death is the thought of how they'll react if they find out I killed myself in part because of them (is it really because of them, though? or have I clung to them as a last resort?)
A little less than a year ago I experienced for the first time what it felt like to meet someone who, by their nature and general behaviour (looks too but this is accessory), became an essential, irreplaceable presence in my life. Call it love if you want to... I see it more as an unhealthy addiction.
Why unhealthy? If I'm more than 3 days without seeing them I start recoiling and can spend entire days either lying in the dark or drinking alone in my apartment until I pass out.
I should also say: I have confessed my "love" for this person. They have made it quite clear that they are wholly uninterested in me beyond our friendship.
I can't imagine telling them how much their indifference affects me, or how suicidal I feel, as this would probably hurt them in a way that it would ruin our friendship. I don't feel like they are emotionally stable and/or reliable enough to help me get through this and I also don't feel like it is their responsibility to do so.
Is there a way out of all this pain? It hurts me in the chest, constantly, from the moment I wake up. The bitterness and the jealousy are making me feel more miserable than ever. Yet I know if I cut ties with them it'll probably be the end of me.
I feel like the only thing standing between me and my own death is the thought of how they'll react if they find out I killed myself in part because of them (is it really because of them, though? or have I clung to them as a last resort?)
