I've been a long-time lurker, but I finally decided to make an account and work up the nerve to post because I need somewhere to vent. I've been holding all of this in by myself for years, and I just can't do that anymore. I doubt anyone will read this, but this feels like the only corner of the internet that might actually understand. A lot has gone wrong in my life. Years ago, I got kicked out of grad school, and I still carry a huge amount of shame over it. I wasn't doing well mentally and I wasn't thinking clearly, and even though it wasn't intentional, I've never been able to let the shame go. I had to move back home, and not long after that, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. My chances of surviving weren't great, about a coinflips chance. What made it even worse was how long it took to get diagnosed. I spent 6 months begging doctors for help while they told me I was fine and brushed me off, even though I was actually dying. Being dismissed and not believed like that really messed with me. By the time I finally got proper treatment, I was already close to death. I went through some of the most aggressive chemo you can get during peak COVID, which meant total isolation too. It was absolute hell. I spent a year constantly sick, in pain, and suffering in ways I don't even know how to describe. My family acts like I should just be grateful to be alive, but the cancer and chemo left me with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and chronic pain that I deal with every single day. The pain never really stops, physically or mentally. It feels like I'm constantly reliving everything I went through. Doctors have basically told me there isn't much they can do and that I just need to find a way to live with it. Before all of this, I had an active social life and a lot of friends. After I got sick, I barely left the house for years, and all my friends disappeared from my life. I'm completely alone now and truly don't have a single friend left. I work a job where I get yelled at by people all day, and over time it has worn me down completely. I gained a hundred pounds, and lost most of my hair from chemo, and it never fully came back. I've spent the last few years working from home and saving money so I could try to rebuild my life somewhere else. I make decent money and I've saved a lot, but with how expensive everything is where I live, owning a home still feels impossible. At this point, it's clear that my pain is permanent and lifelong, and I will always live with the fear of the cancer coming back. I'm about to turn 30, still living at home, deeply depressed and totally isolated. I watch people I used to know get married and have kids, and I feel like I'm just wasting away. I may have survived cancer, but only technically. It destroyed who I was, the life I had, and the life I thought I would have. I don't see a path forward. When I say I want to die, it isn't for attention or sympathy. I'm just exhausted and I want the suffering to stop. I've tried many different methods, but the innate instinct to survive always overpowers me mid attempt. I can't overcome it no matter how much I want to. I don't understand how people do it. I've tried to move forward. I've tried working out, but the chronic pain limits me. I've tried to make friends again, but years of isolation have wrecked my social skills and my anxiety is awful. It's been about five years since my life fell apart, and I feel stuck in this cycle with no way out. I never imagined ending up like this. I replay everything in my head constantly, and I can't understand how so much time has passed. If anyone actually reads this, thank you for listening. I really just needed somewhere to let this out.
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