Loneliness Megathread

[Marktheghost]

OK, this is going to be a long post.

On Wednesday March 29 2017 I received an e-mail from Tudor, the secretary of St Blane's drama group, saying I wasn't welcome at drama group anymore. He said more or less nothing about why, just something about my behaviour towards certain members of the drama group. I wasn't even aware that I'd been accused of anything before this; it was a complete shock to me! I've been convicted without a fair trial, and without even being told what I've done wrong! I e-mailed Tudor and asked why. Tudor won't say much about it, but from what he has said it sounded as if Alex and Pauline have accused me of giving them unwanted attention. As far as I know, what is meant by attention is trying to make friends. I've not spoken to Pauline since January 2015, and I hadn't e-mailed her since about March 2016. And literally all I've done to try to make friends with Alex is say "how are you?" in 1 message on facebook, and then when she didn't reply, say "don't you like me?" in the 2nd message. Tudor also said something about my behaviour during the pantomime in January 2017 leaving something to be desired, but didn't say what I'd done wrong.



I've e-mailed Tudor lots since then to try and find out what I've done wrong, and persuade him to listen to my side of the story. He's given me bits and pieces of information, but still not told me everything. I even sent him copies of both messages I sent to Alex, to prove my innocence. Just before Easter, he said that they'd discuss my situation at a committee meeting some time in the future. So that seemed like a glimmer of hope, except for the fact that there was no sign of me being informed of what I've done wrong before then, no indication that I'd be invited to the committee meeting, and Pauline, who apparently is my main accuser, is on the committee, so it certainly didn't sound as if I was going to get a fair trial. And there was never any indication that I'd be allowed back to drama group in the meantime.



I'd bought Easter eggs for 2 people at drama group, Kate and Tudor. So I turned up at drama group on Easter Tuesday, to deliver the Easter eggs. 1 or 2 people seemed surprised to see me, but they were friendly enough to me. Then I went to give Tudor his Easter egg after the rehearsal was over, and he turned it down and said I was just trying to bribe him. Pauline butted into the conversation and accused me of accusing her of acting inappropriately by refusing to go on holiday with me or something. (She's never even said anything about not wanting to go on holiday with me.) Tudor gave me a lift home. (Kindness is Tudor's strength; fair mindedness is Tudor's weakness.) Just before he dropped me off he told me that someone had accused me of shouting at someone and refusing to go on stage during the pantomime. So maybe that was what my behaviour at the pantomime accusation was about. It wouldn't be much of an exaggeration to say that each of those things is against my nature.



I e-mailed Kate about it, she told me a bit about what it was all about, but she didn't know much. (I don't know how she knew more than I knew about it though.)



If you're convicted of a crime, you can appeal against the verdict on a point of law. So I decided to appeal, on the grounds that I hadn't had a fair trial and that I hadn't had any previous warning. The drama group is affiliated to St Blane's church; so I appealed to the church, via the minister there. His name's Gary, he started coming to the drama group in 2016, so I know him a bit.



I contacted Hamish, the preacher man at a church I used to go to, and asked him if he wanted to be my lawyer and help me with speaking up for myself if I ever do get a chance to give my side of the story. He turned the offer down but he said he'd speak to Gary. He came to my flat and talked to me, and told me what he thought I'd been accused of.



I e-mailed Tudor and told him what my understanding of the accusations was (what Hamish told me), and asked him to confirm it. He said he'd reply next week. 3 weeks and 5 days later I got a reply. Tudor's original version of the accusations, Kate's version of the accusations, Hamish's version of the accusations, and Tudor's latest version of the accusations were all different to each other. The good news seemed to be that they were getting progressively less bad. So I thought maybe if I keep asking people, I'd eventually get the list of accusations down to just having asked Alex 'How are you?'.



Tudor's 2nd version of the accusations against me were: inviting Pauline to go to the Stirling fringe, inviting Pauline to go on holidays with me (and saying I'd understand if she wants to bring her husband and children with her), and making such approaches to at least 1 other person. I e-mailed Tudor and asked him if that is a correct, complete and accurate account of the accusations, and asked who else I'd been accused of making such approaches to and what approaches I'd been accused of making to them. He's never written back.



I've told Tudor that if I've done anything wrong, I want to know what it is so that I can sort out any dispute with anyone I've upset and make it up to them; I've told him that I'm suicidally lonely and I'm desperate to learn from my mistakes and improve my friend-making ability.



Eventually, I heard back from Gary. He said they were rejecting my appeal and claimed I'd sent inappropriate e-mails to people. He didn't say what inappropriate e-mails I'd sent or anything; and the church haven't given me a fair trial either. There was no indication they'd even looked at any evidence or anything! They treated me just as unfairly as the drama group themselves! It was a complete waste of time contacting Gary at all!



In June, they did the performance of a play, so I wanted to be there for that. And of course, they hadn't given me a fair trial or a good reason why I shouldn't. (And my social worker said I had the right to still go.) So for those 2 reasons, I turned up on Sunday of the week that was on. I was hoping I'd get an opportunity to ask Tudor or someone to tell me exactly what I've been accused of in person too, and finally get some answers. Gary asked me to leave. And Richard said I couldn't stay because I wasn't in the play. I didn't want to make a scene or anything, so I went home again. So I'd walked all the way there and back for nothing.



I e-mailed Richard a few days later and asked for an explanation for the way he'd treated me, and he said he no longer allows people in to rehearsals that aren't directly involved in the play. He could have given me a job with the stage crew; I'd have been perfectly willing to help out that way.



Someone advised me to leave it for a while, give things time to calm down, and then try again. So I left it and didn't go back to drama group or e-mail Tudor over the summer. I e-mailed Richard and Pauline during the summer, because they're on the committee, and asked them what the accusations are, but neither of them told me.



On August 29 2017, I went back to drama group to ask in person what the accusations were as I was getting nowhere trying to find out by e-mail. They asked me to leave a few times. I was polite, but assertive (or as assertive as I'm capable of being.) Most of the time I politely said "I'd prefer not to." Once I responded by saying "Until I get a complete, correct, and accurate account of what I've been accused of, I'm not willing to leave."



Alex threatened to call the police. She just walked off before I had a chance to respond to that; I didn't see any sign of them. (Perhaps she realised I had a good reason for staying and changed her mind.)



I told a few people that spoke to me that I hadn't been told what I'd done wrong, and nobody seemed to believe me.



Tudor said something, I can't remember what, he said I'd said or done something; and I said "Prove it." And he and Gary (the preacher man at St Blane's church) finally agreed to send me all the evidence against me. I think Gary also said that they'd tell me what all the accusations were too. They still seemed absolutely adamant that they're not going to listen to my side of the story or look at any evidence of my innocence.



Linda told me that I'd upset her during the pantomime. I didn't get a chance to talk to her enough about it to find out how. I contacted her on facebook afterwards to find out more, but she's never replied.



Tudor seems to be guilty of muddled thinking sometimes. At 1 point he said that I'd said something in an e-mail to him, and I said I hadn't, and he insisted I had, so I corrected him and told him what I'd actually said; and his response was "See? You've admitted it!", when what he was claiming I'd said was different to what I'd "admitted" to!



I gave Kate the Easter eggs that Tudor didn't want. They were best before Jul 31 unfortunately. I'd actually taken a present for Tudor too, to make up for the happiness he missed out on by not eating the easter eggs, but I didn't get a chance to give him it afterwards. Giving it to him while he was trying to talk me into leaving didn't seem quite the right moment earlier.



And then at the end of the rehearsal (which I wasn't involved in, so it was rather boring), Kate gave me a lift home. On the way home, Kate said it was very brave of me to come to drama group, but she didn't think it would do much good.



So it sounded as if there was some hope of finally seeing the evidence, and maybe finding out what I've allegedly done wrong. And if not, I'd find out what Linda was upset about, or find out she wasn't all that upset by her lack of response. I apologized to her when I contacted her on facebook anyway.



I felt glad that I went. I felt very pleased with myself for going, and standing up for myself, and I was pleased that there was a bit more chance of finding out what I've been accused of.



I e-mailed Tudor and Gary the next day and asked for a complete, correct and accurate account of what I've been accused of, and asked them to send me the evidence. And I asked Tudor to give me a fair trial. And I reminded them both that if I have done anything to upset anyone, I'd very very much like to talk things over with them and resolve any dispute and repair any damage to my relationship with them, and make it up to them and, if necessary, apologize; and that I'm desperate to learn from my mistakes and improve my friend making ability!



As I still hadn't heard from Tudor at the end of the week, I contacted Alex and Pauline and asked them what the problems were, and I've apologized to them even though I didn't know what I was apologizing for. I've e-mailed each of them 7 times about it, and got no response, which I think is evidence that they're false accusations.



I don't understand why people don't want me to find out what I've done wrong and make amends and apologize!



Actually to some extent I was hoping that by going to drama group, I'd be showing that I'm willing to do everything I can to find out what I've done wrong and apologize and learn from my mistakes, and give people a good impression of me. I got the feeling I was just giving people the impression that I'm stubborn or something though. :-(



2 and a half weeks after going to drama group I still hadn't heard from Tudor or Gary so I e-mailed Gary again, and finally got a response. He told me 6 accusations, 4 of which weren't true, the other 2 there did seem to be some truth in them, although I don't know what was wrong with what I'd done. The only evidence he managed to produce was 14 quotes from e-mails I'd sent to Pauline, 13 of which were irrelevant to the 6 accusations.



I've e-mailed Gary several times and asked for more details about the accusations, like who I'd allegedly done/said the things to and when etc, and asked for a complete, correct and accurate account of what I've been accused of, and he refuses to tell me. He claims he's already told me. Gary's account of what I've been accused of is different to any of the others too, so I don't even know which one to believe.



The committee meeting that they were supposedly going to discuss my situation at has never happened. I've never heard any more about that.



I went to the citizen's advice bureau in October. They mentioned mediators, and suggested contacting a lawyer. They also contacted social services for me.



I got a new social worker in November of that year. She's never been interested in helping me.



I contacted a mediation service, who contacted them, but apparently the mediation service didn't hear back from the drama group. I asked them about mediating privately between me and Alex, and between me and Pauline too, but the mediation service didn't hear back from either of them either!



I e-mailed 2 lawyers, and didn't hear back from either of them. I asked my social worker to help me contact a lawyer, and she's totally uninterested in helping me.



Eventually, I told my social worker that if she didn't help me contact a lawyer I'd go back to drama group to ask in person again. What else could I do? Despite saying herself that if I went back to drama group they might contact the police, she was still unwilling to do so. So in April 2018, I went back to drama group to ask again, and got a 3rd different version of the accusations from Tudor, but he refused to tell me everything.



I eventually managed to persuade my social worker to do something (or perhaps she was just pretending to do something to help me). She said she'd arrange a meeting with Tudor and Gary to discuss the situation. So on May 1 2018, I walked about 6 kms to St Blane's church hall, and they told me absolutely nothing that they hadn't already mentioned. They only mentioned 3 accusations, and didn't give us details of those 3. Tudor also changed his mind about the accusations about Alex; he admitted that she hadn't accused me of anything. They can't even seem to make up their minds what the accusations are! My social worker did absolutely nothing to encourage them to tell me anything.



I contacted another lawyer about it, and he contacted Tudor about it, and Tudor wouldn't tell him what the accusations are either. He contacted social services too, but they had nothing helpful to say. The only thing the lawyer could suggest was to take legal action against them for defamation, but he said he hadn't got any experience with defamation cases and suggested I contact another lawyer who specializes in that area of law. So the 240 pounds I spent in legal fees felt like a waste of money. The lawyer also said that the problem is that I can't produce evidence of defamation because I don't know what the defamatory statements are. I've got the e-mails from Tudor and Gary, I'd have thought they'd be some evidence of what the defamatory statements are.



So I contacted another lawyer, who specializes in defamation. 4 and a half months after I first contacted him, I was finally told that they were too busy with other cases and couldn't help me.

So I contacted a 5th one, and never heard back from them. So I contacted the 3rd lawyer again, and he said all he could suggest was to contact the law society of Scotland to see if they could find anyone who could act on my behalf. So I did that, and they just sent me suggestions for lawyers to contact. They said they couldn't contact them for me. And I'm too shy to phone them.

Since then, I've contacted a lot more lawyers. The only response I got until June 2020 was "we don't deal with this kind of case", or no response at all. In total, I'd contacted 40 law firms including the ones mentioned above before I finally found another one that does deal with defamation cases and had the decency to write back to me. They more or less confirmed that I didn't have much of a case because I don't know what the accusations are, and said it wasn't worth bothering because it would be difficult to find out, and I'd just be throwing good money after bad. They said I could contact another lawyer and ask for a 2nd opinion.

I contacted another lawyer, for a 2nd opinion like they suggested. And they don't deal with defamation cases. So that's 41 law firms I've contacted altogether now!

If I keep going like this, I'm never going to get this situation sorted out. I could be contacting lawyers who don't bother to respond for years before one finally does.

So the situation's crazy! The drama group never sent any real evidence, or explained properly what the accusations are. And they're not interested in listening to my side of the story. I've been convicted of a crime I didn't commit. (And IF I have done anything wrong, I didn't know it was wrong.)

I don't know what happened to innocent until proved guilty. They've violated my right to not be subjected to attacks on my honour or reputation.

And I can't find anyone that's willing to help me find out what the accusations are.

It looks as if I might just have to give up hope of ever finding out what the accusations were. And therefore give up hope of ever getting justice, and worse still, give up hope of ever learning from whatever mistakes I made! I must have done something wrong if they hate me enough to make any accusations about me, true or false, behind my back and get me kicked out! I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, so I could find out how to make friends more easily! It's got to be more than just being so shy that's making it difficult to make friends, and this would be a golden opportunity to get some idea of what I'm doing wrong!! It's extremely frustrating, to say the least!

Ok, so here's an update:

Eventually, in March 2022, I contacted the 4th lawyer I contacted again, who had said they were too busy with other cases and couldn't help me. I asked if they were less busy and could help me now. I haven't heard back from them.

On March 29 2022, 5 years to the day since I started my life sentence, I tried to escape from "prison". I went back to drama group, in the hope that someone different might be running it now, and they'd treat me fairly and listen to me and let me come back.

I walked in, and Richard said I can't come in. I asked him who was running the drama group these days, and he said it's still Tudor. Richard was saying I can't come in, so I explained that I'd never been told why. Even he is now claiming I've been told why! After about 2 minutes, Gary came in. He told me I'd have to leave, and I told him I wasn't going to leave until I got an explanation.

The only new information I got was that even 1 of the accusations that I had thought might have some truth in it wasn't true. I'd been accused of calling someone my wife. I've jokingly referred to 4 people at drama group as my wife, because they've been my wife in 1 of the plays we were in. It was Pauline, the one wife I've had that I'd never referred to as my wife, who'd accused me of doing so.

After a few minutes, Richard said that as I wasn't leaving, he was cancelling the meeting. Everybody started going outside; I waited until the last people were walking out the door, just in case this was a trick to get rid of me. Then I left. I asked Gary for a lift home, and he gave me one. As we drove off, I saw everybody going back in again. That's how deceitful and spiteful the people at drama group are.

As Gary dropped me off at home, he said something about one day, we can talk about this; but not now. Ie not within 5 years of me getting kicked out of drama group. I wrote him an e-mail yesterday asking him to do so. I don't expect to get any response.

I don't understand why they're so determined not to tell me what I've done wrong! The only reason I can think of is that by telling me as little as possible, it makes it as difficult as possible for me to prove my innocence!

 

[symphony]

I don't talk about this much because loneliness isn't my primary issue, but my mental illnesses have caused worsening loneliness especially in recent months, which in turn causes worsening mental health and so on. I never had many friends to begin with but was satisfied with a few close connections. Those people though have chosen to distance themselves from me for their own wellbeing. No one is willing to have a serious, lengthy conversation with me about my struggles anymore. And on the off occasion I am able to talk with someone, I can't do so openly, I can't just tell a friend concerned for my wellbeing just how much I struggle and intend to die.

I feel completely isolated, and it hurts. I need to wait several months before I'll be able to CTB and this is one of the biggest factors that makes it hard to survive.

I'm just aching to be seen, ya know?

 

[Cosmic dust]

I don't know, maybe this is a bad idea, but I had the idea of a "Friends Megathread", inspired by the "Partners Megathread" we already have a while ago. I feel like this (great) thread here is more about the discussion of loneliness, though I'm sure people have found others to connect with through it, so maybe my idea is unnecessary.
I thought that maybe the Friends Megathread could be exclusively used to build connections with others. People could write a little bit about themselves, e.g. what they're interested in, what they would like to talk about, or really anything, and what kind of connection they'd like to have with someone else. Some might, for example, be looking for someone to chat with on a daily basis while others would prefer exchanging longer texts once a week. Or maybe others might just be looking for someone who enjoys their favourite series as much as they do and would like to watch it together.
But of course such things also always have their dangers. Many of us here are quite vulnerable and have had bad experiences. Building "bad" connections through this site probably isn't a very rare occurrence. Maybe such a thread would amplify that problem, though of course, it also has the potential to help.​

How is this any different than the partners thread?

Ok, so here's an update:

Eventually, in March 2022, I contacted the 4th lawyer I contacted again, who had said they were too busy with other cases and couldn't help me. I asked if they were less busy and could help me now. I haven't heard back from them.

On March 29 2022, 5 years to the day since I started my life sentence, I tried to escape from "prison". I went back to drama group, in the hope that someone different might be running it now, and they'd treat me fairly and listen to me and let me come back.

I walked in, and Richard said I can't come in. I asked him who was running the drama group these days, and he said it's still Tudor. Richard was saying I can't come in, so I explained that I'd never been told why. Even he is now claiming I've been told why! After about 2 minutes, Gary came in. He told me I'd have to leave, and I told him I wasn't going to leave until I got an explanation.

The only new information I got was that even 1 of the accusations that I had thought might have some truth in it wasn't true. I'd been accused of calling someone my wife. I've jokingly referred to 4 people at drama group as my wife, because they've been my wife in 1 of the plays we were in. It was Pauline, the one wife I've had that I'd never referred to as my wife, who'd accused me of doing so.

After a few minutes, Richard said that as I wasn't leaving, he was cancelling the meeting. Everybody started going outside; I waited until the last people were walking out the door, just in case this was a trick to get rid of me. Then I left. I asked Gary for a lift home, and he gave me one. As we drove off, I saw everybody going back in again. That's how deceitful and spiteful the people at drama group are.

As Gary dropped me off at home, he said something about one day, we can talk about this; but not now. Ie not within 5 years of me getting kicked out of drama group. I wrote him an e-mail yesterday asking him to do so. I don't expect to get any response.

I don't understand why they're so determined not to tell me what I've done wrong! The only reason I can think of is that by telling me as little as possible, it makes it as difficult as possible for me to prove my innocence!

I didn't read the whole history, but looks like these people simply don't want you around because they don't like you, its probably not just about one single incident, if that was the case they would try talking through, giving you another chance, even if you really did something wrong.

You said it yourself there "that's how deceitful and spiteful the people at drama group are." Is this group, this cause, really worth pursuing?

I am sorry to say that, because I can see its a big deal for you, I know its hard to be excluded.

 

[Marktheghost]

I didn't read the whole history, but looks like these people simply don't want you around because they don't like you, its probably not just about one single incident, if that was the case they would try talking through, giving you another chance, even if you really did something wrong.

You said it yourself there "that's how deceitful and spiteful the people at drama group are." Is this group, this cause, really worth pursuing?

I am sorry to say that, because I can see its a big deal for you, I know its hard to be excluded.

I'd really got into doing drama and was enjoying that; and I've got nowhere else to do drama. And it's likely to be the best opportunity I'll ever get to find out what I'm doing to screw up my chances of making friends.

And I'd also like to sue them for defamation and get some justice.

 

[Circles]

Every time I go hiking or even every time I go to a park there's hardly ever people by themselves Ike me. Here's an experiment okay so if you go to a park next time think and count each time you see someone all by themselves even excluding pets. That way you'll know how lonely you really fucking are.

 

[Marktheghost]

I think I might try that.

 

[Marktheghost]

No luck so far. It was raining when I tried to go for a walk in the park yesterday.

 

[RetroChaos]

Ok, so here's an update:

Eventually, in March 2022, I contacted the 4th lawyer I contacted again, who had said they were too busy with other cases and couldn't help me. I asked if they were less busy and could help me now. I haven't heard back from them.

On March 29 2022, 5 years to the day since I started my life sentence, I tried to escape from "prison". I went back to drama group, in the hope that someone different might be running it now, and they'd treat me fairly and listen to me and let me come back.

I walked in, and Richard said I can't come in. I asked him who was running the drama group these days, and he said it's still Tudor. Richard was saying I can't come in, so I explained that I'd never been told why. Even he is now claiming I've been told why! After about 2 minutes, Gary came in. He told me I'd have to leave, and I told him I wasn't going to leave until I got an explanation.

The only new information I got was that even 1 of the accusations that I had thought might have some truth in it wasn't true. I'd been accused of calling someone my wife. I've jokingly referred to 4 people at drama group as my wife, because they've been my wife in 1 of the plays we were in. It was Pauline, the one wife I've had that I'd never referred to as my wife, who'd accused me of doing so.

After a few minutes, Richard said that as I wasn't leaving, he was cancelling the meeting. Everybody started going outside; I waited until the last people were walking out the door, just in case this was a trick to get rid of me. Then I left. I asked Gary for a lift home, and he gave me one. As we drove off, I saw everybody going back in again. That's how deceitful and spiteful the people at drama group are.

As Gary dropped me off at home, he said something about one day, we can talk about this; but not now. Ie not within 5 years of me getting kicked out of drama group. I wrote him an e-mail yesterday asking him to do so. I don't expect to get any response.

I don't understand why they're so determined not to tell me what I've done wrong! The only reason I can think of is that by telling me as little as possible, it makes it as difficult as possible for me to prove my innocence!

So I've read your whole thread, and seen your other posts on the forums.

Imo you sound like a very persistent yet socially unaware individual which is a difficult mix (I knew people like this at school). I think it is best if you just move on and start over and find somewhere new for a drama or social group. Just learn when to give up. You're stuck in a world of pain by consistently going back, you just need to let it go. People fall out, people annoy each other, not everyone gets on. That's life. If you don't you're going to get in more and more trouble and keep pushing people away. I've unfortunately had to deal with difficult people like that at gatherings before where they just can't read the room or make people uncomfortable by just saying
the wrong things or asking the wrong questions.

Also, I get the sense you see yourself as some altruistic being that can do no wrong and has not done anything wrong - again not understanding social queues. I get you keep asking and you can't think of a reason why but sometimes life doesn't give you straight and honest answers, or they are and you're just not paying attention.

I know it's pot-call-the-kettle-black since I've been charged with trying to contact my ex repeatedly, but I don't want to see others repeating the same mistakes I have. Sorry if this comes off as a scathing attack on your character but some of your posts floating around are a bit... concerning? Like asking ways to strangle someone or sending death threats over e-mail, or threatening to sue a group for deformation/slander which is just silly.

Have you ever seen a specialist about social behaviours or autism? They may be able to get you some social therapy or something. Either way you need some help because I can sense something doesn't add up and if it is a group is excluding you then maybe it's not them, it's you.

 

[Marktheghost]

I don't know how to find a specialist, to talk to about social behaviours.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I don't know how to find a specialist, to talk to about social behaviours.

Another name for it might be "social skills training."

 

[Marktheghost]

How do I find a social skills training specialist?

 

[ultraviolet]

I just found SanctionedSuicide and I wanted to share my story.

I knew that I was different from the other kids from the moment I was born. What they did just didn't make any sense to me. I so desperately wanted friends, but no matter how hard I tried I was always rejected. One day in first grade, I decided to tell all my classmates that I was wearing red Marvel underwear, expecting them to think I was "cool". I was mocked by all the other boys in my class for being weird.

The only thing that made sense to me was books. So I would carry around thick books that I would bury my head in to avoid talking to anyone at school. In third grade, I remember being so paralyzed with fear in a new class that I couldn't even open my mouth. Luckily, in this time, I made a single friend who was on the same bus route, and he would do most of the talking for me.

By the time middle school rolled around, I was stick thin and had thick glasses from reading so much. I was the perfect punching bag for bullies. In a gym class, I made the mistake of telling one of the jocks that it was my birthday, and he decided to reward me by punching me 13 times. I started crying with the whole gym watching. I would often get my books stolen and thrown around the class, in a game of "keep away". My loneliness didn't get better. In the summer when I wasn't forced to go to school, I would go weeks without talking to a single person. I would stay on my computer playing League of Legends and watching Youtube.

By the middle of 9th grade, I was suicidal. What few friends I had abandoned me for the cool, popular crowd and stopped talking to me. Without them, I was drifting alone in a crowd of people. I wouldn't open my mouth to say a single word from when I entered school in the morning to when I left in the afternoon. I stopped taking showers and brushing my teeth because I was so depressed. I was the "weird stinky" kid everyone avoided. One day I realized that no one would care if I killed myself besides my parents and my brother. I decided to overdose on sleeping pills to end my pain.

It was at this time that my parents finally figured something was wrong with me and took me to see a psychiatrist. When the psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression, the only thing my parents asked was how they didn't know I was just making all of it up.

What kept me going on through all of misery was the dream of college, where I could finally meet other nerdy, introverted loners like me. I would have a great group of friends, date girls, go to parties and leave all of my misery behind.

What didn't get better was the invisible wall between me and other people. I found a group of friends in college, but eventually I ruined that too. I blurted out secrets that one girl told me in confidence, and I accidentally fat-shamed another one. They all made a separate group chat without me and stopped responding to my texts. Like before, I ended up spending my free time lonely in my dorm room playing video games without anyone else. My weird mannerisms, lack of facial expressions and inability to understand social cues has made anyone who I try to get close to reject me.

I'm about to graduate college in a week and I don't see a future for me. I'm almost 100% certain that I have autism. I'm going to see a psychologist to get it diagnosed, and if it turns out that I'm autistic I'm going to kill myself. I'm so scared but I just want the pain to stop.

Some people with autism have this fake bullshit "autism makes you special" positivity, which I want to take and throw in their face and scream at them. They talk about how "autism is a superpower" - "you can just cope with the loneliness by writing letters to yourself and pretending they're from other people". People will subject themselves to this just so they can do math a little better?

The only thing autism has given me is crushing loneliness and depression. I would trade any "genius" I have just to be normal, have a group of friends that I can joke around with and a girlfriend. I didn't ask to be born like this, and I don't want to be a fucking human calculator. Reading posts on here about other people with autism made me realize it never gets better. I've already suffered 22 years of torture, and rejection. I'm convinced that I was born to suffer. My parents are terrible people as well, who never paid any attention to me, and think I'm a normal, happy person.

I'm only holding out in the hopes that a cure for autism will be discovered in the next decade. There are some promising drugs in clinical trials that I'm going to take. I just don't know if I can survive until a cure is found. My parents should have been sterilized and never had me.

 

[IWillSmileWhenIDie]

I'm likewise chronically ill, way too many problems to list here, but I've mentioned the lot of them a few times around this forum. Being chronically ill in my case means (among many others) extreme isolation, because any sensory stimulation or physical activity leads to permanent worsening and thus further suffering that I cannot afford. I'm housebound and mostly bedbound, spending most of my days in a dark room with earplugs in. I rarely speak because, again, permanent worsening, so I mainly communicate over text. I've tried to make friends online a couple of times, but because I can't speak and I can't always reply in a timely manner, it never works out. Also, most people just don't understand what it means to be chronically ill and its implications and consequences, and while I'm glad on the one hand that they don't have the experience to understand that, it just means further social isolation.

The social isolation in and of itself isn't what bothers me or makes me feel lonely (I've always been introverted and have preferred to keep my circle small, even before I became severely physically ill, and I'm very wary of other people and their intentions, which I don't think is unreasonable); rather it's the fact that I rarely feel heard by most other people, and had to fight for so long just to get someone to listen when it really mattered. The only person who truly understands IRL is my husband (likewise severely chronically ill) and to a large extent my mom (who always tries to understand), and at this point I just don't have it in me anymore to constantly explain myself and my situation to people who clearly don't even care to begin with, and I often badly struggle to put my thoughts and experiences into words, anyway, which is probably already apparent in this post. My reality is (and almost always has been) just too far-off from what most other people can really fathom, and because of this, the more people I'm around, the lonelier I feel.

This is a great idea for a thread, @-Persephone-. Just as an aside, you're one of the members in particular who I can relate to the most, just based on what I've read here, but I'm nowhere even close to being as articulate as you are. I just tend to ramble on and on to no true end, and then when I finally do decide to wrap it up I don't even know if what I said made sense and feel the need to apologize for it and add disclaimers and shit then I feel like an anxious, obnoxious twat. My mind is just a total disaster 24/7.

I feel you friend, I also have problems transladin my thoghts into words and I have cognitive problems cause of my condition and my main language is not english, you know I drank for the first time in a while today and for some reason it made me stop and carefully read and listen to this, I really feel you and emphathise with you. But I have to say I also think you put effort into these words and its awesome . I'm starting to get drunk maybe I don't make sense just hope things go well fuck I'm drunk dude xd I love you :)

Thank you so much for this thread. You're struggling yourself but you still care about the loneliness of other people. That's so unbelievably kind of you.
Loneliness is also one of my main struggles.

I've been hurt many times by other people in the past so I am afraid to make friendships or socialise, even online. Besides that my avpd keeps me from any social interactions irl and it also sometimes affects me online as well.

In groups for example I am always the one who gets left out, in real life but also online. I feel like I never fit in anywhere.

All my life long I have been trying to overcome my social anxiety but everytime I did I was always left and forgotten. It hurts like hell when you are always the one person everyone cares the least about.

I've never had any relationship and the last time I had friends was back in 5th grade. Before that, my life was pretty normal but after that was when all the bullying and getting abandoned by "friends" started.

I still kept trying and trying to fit in but it made everything worse and worse.

I don't want to get hurt anymore.
A part of me still hopes that maybe one day I will find someone who understands me. Because this loneliness hurts.

But the most part of me has already lost all hope.

I hope to find love and everything I could not find on this world in death.

Thanks for reading.

Hey feel free to chat me up, let's make something out of this life, make it easier. I hope I can die when i want without much suffering but while we live let's do what we can to let loose and feel good and connected :)

 

[guandbu]

My fiancée recently took her life via SN. She was dealt a bad hand in life and was always suffering. Despite my best efforts, me being there was not enough and she made her final decision. I've put my everything into our relationship and had plans of getting married and settling down. Now left with nothing and nothing to look forward to. It was a rough relationship, but it's a lot worse now that it's all gone. Missing my other half, I'm probably going to follow in her footsteps soon.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

My fiancée recently took her life via SN. She was dealt a bad hand in life and was always suffering. Despite my best efforts, me being there was not enough and she made her final decision. I've put my everything into our relationship and had plans of getting married and settling down. Now left with nothing and nothing to look forward to. It was a rough relationship, but it's a lot worse now that it's all gone. Missing my other half, I'm probably going to follow in her footsteps soon.

I'm so sorry.

know that CTB is not the only answer, though. some day you may smile again, find love again etc... even if the memory and feelings of your ex stay if you forever, you can be happy again one day. there's always hope.

please check the website page below. it's a resource for dealing with grief:

Recovery From grief and loss for suicidal persons

Many suicidal people are grieving a loss; it can help to know how to resolve your grief.

metanoia.org

there's also a good podcast on grief from a neuroscientist:


about me, it's been almost 4 years since my breakup and I still miss my "other half" too.

although I tried to learn how to be emotionally independent from everybody, after years of trying, I'm almost sure now that I was not made to live alone.

honestly I should have accepted that intimacy and emotional dependence are parts of me, instead of tried to fight these things and be OK with being alone, like I did. "MGTOW" mindset probably ended up doing more harm than good for me.

maybe if I had a lot of friends and had companionship, or did some sport, volunteer work or church groups, would perhaps be easier to be single forever, but I'm a very isolated person, so being single for me is quite hard.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

I remember around 2008, I had super slow internet, cheap microphone and the old MSN Messenger, but had a lot of people to chat with, both online and in real life.

there was also a period of my life in which I didn't have any telephone number, but my friends would come to my home to call me to go out.

I find it so ironic that today I have high speed internet, high quality camera/microphone but no one to chat with. certainly no one to go out with.

are people getting bored of socializing? they certainly don't do it like they used to do before.

smartphones, culture, covid-19… the world changed a lot.

 

[Julgran]

I remember around 2008, I had super slow internet, cheap microphone and the old MSN Messenger, but had a lot of people to chat with, both online and in real life.

there was also a period of my life in which I didn't have any telephone number, but my friends would come to my home to call me to go out.

I find it so ironic that today I have high speed internet, high quality camera/microphone but no one to chat with. certainly no one to go out with.

are people getting bored of socializing? they certainly don't do it like they used to do before.

smartphones, culture, covid-19… the world changed a lot.

Indeed! It's like the world ended recently, but we still think that we are alive...

 

[Expiry]

I'm new and this is my first post. Likely to mainly lurk as I'm still very uncomfortable with how I feel. But I feel less alone here reading comments. Thanks.

 

[tilsleepcomes]

I am lonely. I recognize how that has a ripple effect in my life. It is a basic need to socialize and it is hard to have self esteem without supportive people around me. I can't feel like people/my community approves of and accepts me if I can't socialize with them. These basic needs to socialize and feel accepted go unmet and it leads me to feel like CTB is the course to choose now, to end the suffering of these and other unmet basic needs.

 

[lacetta]

I'm new and this is my first post. Likely to mainly lurk as I'm still very uncomfortable with how I feel. But I feel less alone here reading comments. Thanks.

" "
likewise. i wish i had words of comfort and advice to contribute, or my own anecdote to share, but even typing this short blurb out took more mental expenditure than i really have at the moment. i will try to gather my thoughts and write a real post later.

 

[jermainet]

For me it is definitely a part. I liked being alone for work etc... but after a certain point it really is unhealthy.

Having reached the point I have in life with virtually zero 'friendly' social contact all adult-life; and absolute-zero contact romantically with the opposite sex from scratch - I'm living proof of the damage such extremes result in. It's a pretty grotesque level of self damage.

Imagine your life not being able to even look at yourself in a mirror even on your own when driving. I had to give up driving altogether.
Or even just to shave or comb your hair in the bathroom... It is an absolutely debilitating level of self-hatred. I literally live like this, in fear of seeing my own self. I know my life can't be sustained in such a state. Particularly on my own.
It is only a matter of time til the day comes when this stress will even exceed and override SI, and I end it.

I think building real friendships is the most important thing for human beings in their prime. More so than money and education and all the other thing people obsess over.

Even if relationships disappear later on, as they often do, at least there are strong and positive memories which are worth quite a lot as time goes on, in terms of mental-health.

 

[Afrod22]

Even if relationships disappear later on, as they often do, at least there are strong and positive memories which are worth quite a lot as time goes on, in terms of memental-health.

Those past relationships haunt me everyday. Sure life was fun when friends were plentiful, but I hate thinking of those days because I am no longer capable of being that person, therfore the memories are actually nightmares to me. But I hear you man... I can't stand looking in the mirror anymore.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Hope I'm not breaking any rules of conduct or etiquette posting in all these megathreads, they're just so damn pertinent!

Moved back to the big gross metropolis I was born and raised in about a year ago after over a decade gone, as I was most immediately (due to pandemic reasons) in my nearby uni town where there is no work ever and no place to live without it that's affordable and also not a student house. I have no ties from my youth, have...strained relations with the family in the area, and despite all efforts at re-establishing social ties, have barely made any headway due to f'ing whatever reasons (part shitty health hurdles, part shitty city culture?). Relations from other places in the world have begun to fade and others' failure at stepping up when I've indicated I need support has made me mostly give up at maintenance, because I always feel like it's all me. Have made literally a couple of friends here who I rarely get to see, no dating success yet, on the precipice of giving up for good. Winter will come soon enough already and I won't even be able to exist outdoors without being in pain. Yay.

Also living in a shared house which is oddly enough exacerbating the isolation because there's basically no interaction between the others. I always chill in common space because my room is the tiny shitty one but mostly no one is ever around. One resident is pretty introverted, one is social enough but often away for months at a time, and one doesn't seem to be interested in "conversing" so much as talking at whoever happens to be in earshot. In every case I don't feel like these people are "friends", which is heartbreaking in a way. I chose to move into shared house in part as a protective factor but the last few months I feel it's been the opposite. Sob.

Given how bad things have gotten, it's hard to imagine these days whether, if I actually had a proper and living support network, I would feel like giving up on everything as I do. I remember the immensely positive power it had once, but would it still have it now..?

 

[symphony]

Came here specifically to find this post. It hit me hard tonight and I had a bit of a breakdown... still not doing well.

It hurts to see that a year ago I had at least a couple people I could call "friends" without any hesitation. But now... yikes.

I made the mistake of logging into social media to see pictures of people I used to have connections with continuing to have strong connections with each other and I felt a physical pain in my chest. But I did it almost as a form of emotional self-harm. I can't explain why.

I know that when I think about this, I tend to catastrophize (I've missed all my opportunities to make and sustain connections, I will never have a true friend again, I will never feel happiness again, ...) but I mean, that all feels real, ya know?

 

[help56]

I can't connect with anyone around me. Is this normal. I just feel very disconnected .

 

[Line]

I'm also a person with no friends. I find myself different from most people and feel like I'm not even human sometimes and my mind is always blank. I'm also pretty annoying to be around with, sort of like a personality disorder where I keep trauma dumping too much. Yet I still always desire to have someone to be a companion and can share life with.

 

[peace_from_ptsd]

This life is so beautiful in its cruelty.

I've the best, yet most lonely profession in the world. The moment I pursue someone romantically, they want something fast. Cheap. Meaningless.

I crave depth, sincerity. Love. I am like a swan, only needing one person to love fully. It's my nature to be reflective, deep, and deliberate..... people say I'm strange and hard to approach.

I love people and care about others, known for smiling and waving at everyone. Want everyone to know for at least a brief moment....that they are cared for, loved, and welcomed by this foolish stranger. That is what makes me strange. Smiling. Showing and expressing kindness to strangers.

It's my nature to give, and it's painful to have no one to give my love to. Isn't that so strange? I love to love. I'm content by myself, but I thrive and feel alive when loving and giving myself.

 

[LunaNyx_]

I'm autistic and that has lead to social ostracization all my life— struggle make friends due to how many times I was punished for even trying.

Cannot get a romantic partner because I 1. Don't think I even deserve it and 2. I'm. Autistic. So that's bound to not work.

 

[Schatten]

I'm so alone and I think it's playing a huge part in how I feel. I never get messages or something like that and I feel so lonely. I long for human connection and I wish I could meet other people. The social isolation is destroying me.

 

[vultureilse]

i wish i was able to have friends im so fucking lonely its unbearable

i was always a huge pushover, i wasnt able to say no and pretty much did everything other people told me without thinking whether i myself want to do it, i was a really easy target that you could easily pressure into doing embarrassing things so people took this to their advantage. i started getting bullied at school, people forced me to do things i didnt want to do, they keep finding more and more things to make fun of me for, the way i talked, the way i walked, the way i looked, my interests, my home situation, me being poor, even my father being dead, everything. i never recovered from it and i dont think i ever will. i feel like it stripped me out of a personality, im a really bland person because im too terrified of opening up to people, im literally incapable of talking about the simplest things like my interests and it makes it impossible to connect with people

ive spent the vast majority of my life self isolating because of my fear of people and depression, i had 3 people i could call friends in my entire life and i lost all of them, im scared of being left alone again, i dont talk to anyone and its so hard to break out of it

when i finally manage to have a conversation with someone its really short and extremely awkward and leaves me wanting to bash my head in with the nearest blunt object because i have literally no socisl skills and i have no fucking idea how to talk to people. and interacting with people is just so fucking mentally draining i always overthink everything and spend all of my time thinking that they find me annoying and must hate me and i cant even tell myseld that its not true because i have no way of knowing what other people are actually thinking

i never developed social skills as a kid and i feel like its too late now. and no matter what ill do my trauma will always keep me from being able to trust people anyway