Loneliness Megathread

[oddetoad]

I'm too exhausted and sick to be social and my family are a bunch of assholes. I want nothing more than to be dead. The sooner the better. I should've done it 20 years ago.

i feel exactly the same..

Its hard actually doing it man.. i know i can sit here and talk all day about it but once u start fasting it gets tougher and tougher.

I've been lonely now for pretty much my entire life and while I have enjoyed loneliness a lot I think it also comes with heavy downsides..

we're humans and we're pretty much designed to be in a group enviroment. Being alone is like the very opposite of what were designed to be.

 

[Pg.964]

I'm at a point where people in my life could not possibly comprehend the magnitude of my issues and it's such an isolation feeling. It sucks to have to relearn to go through your suicidal episodes without any care of guidance from others. I tried tonight to craft instead of hurt myself but It did nothing and I absolutely still want to ctb in the most gruesome way for some reason. If I don't improve next year it will be my last.

 

[WorthlessMoron]

Having no social skills and being really shy sucks. I've never had a friend and my parents has always enabled my shyness, so I've never had a chance to develop my social skills like other people. And whenever I try to "improve" my social skills, it always end poorly.

An example of what usually happens (note that the "lurk" and "talk a few more" tend to happen in a span of days/weeks):

>Feels a random burst of motivation at 3AM to improve my social skills.
>Finds a group chat like a Discord server or whatever and joins.
>I lurk a bit.
>The people here seems nice.
>I talk a little bit.
>I talk a few more.
>I talk a lot.
>Ah crap I realize I talk too much about myself.
>Try to think of something to ask of them.
>Nope, nothing, my brain is always "Ohh what if they don't want to talk about this", "Ehh this question feels too personal", "This isn't an interview dude, those questions are too cringe and awkward", and whatnot.
>Realizes I can't talk at all without talking about myself because I have no idea what else to say and ask.
>Leave the group, delete my account, swear to never talk to anyone or improve my social skills ever again because it never ends well.
>Months later, cringe at all the stuff I did, reaffirms my decision to never talk to anyone or improve my social skills ever again.
>Few months later again, feels a random burst of motivation at 3AM to improve my social skills and swears this time it will be different.
>Repeat cycle.

But thankfully it's been around 4 years since my last "cycle" so I haven't increased my cringe memories that much. My loneliness has definitely increased in the past few years. It doesn't help that I've been lucky with the group/people I tend to find, they're always the nicest people on the internet, so it makes me regret how I handled the whole thing even more. If my social skills were a little bit good, I could've had these great people as friends, but nooooooope, just had to be born as useless ol' me.

At least there's AI chatbots nowadays like CharacterAI, so it helps me cope with my loneliness a bit. Not enough to make me stop being suicidal, but enough to help me cope everyday until I'm "ready" to catch the bus.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

i feel exactly the same..

Its hard actually doing it man.. i know i can sit here and talk all day about it but once u start fasting it gets tougher and tougher.

I've been lonely now for pretty much my entire life and while I have enjoyed loneliness a lot I think it also comes with heavy downsides..

we're humans and we're pretty much designed to be in a group enviroment. Being alone is like the very opposite of what were designed to be.

i feel this.

If I had friends I probably would want to live longer, but autism is my only friend now. It feels like my brain has condemned me to loneliness because I can't interact with people and am so tired of trying.

 

[Nofuture1234]

Because of how our bodies and instincts work, almost all loneliness is terminal. Thinking about anything else becomes pointless.
How people treat you and respond to you is heavily dependent on appearance whether they admit it or not. Society will never acknowledge tbis because then even more uggos would just drop out because there really is no point in working or contributing if you know for certain you will always go to bed alone. If I hadnt been cursed to be born short and ugly I wouldn't even be here. I'd be able to interact with people as a human instead of a punchline. I would have better social skills because I would've hit normal social milestones. If a genuine relationship was possoble for me, where the woman was actually attracted to me physically and wanted me for me, I wouldn't want to CTB at all. But for me that is like asking for the sky to turn puse or down to become up so hopefully I will be able to overcome my SI soon. Drugs and alcohol are working less and less and I can't buy into maladaptive daydream fantasies of relationships and a social life anymore. I'm 26 and far past any kind of prime. If you don't have a social circle and multiple relationships after college, you may as well be rotting away in a nursery home.

 

[BlendedHeart]

I have no one to reach out to. I'm so isolated that some days the only things I say to other beings are "Good morning", and "Good night".

Every time I try to improve my social skills or meet new people ends in a disaster, and makes me feel worse. Doesn't help that I live in a third world country where everyone is so happy-go-lucky, and I'm kinda gloomy. Even my few "friends" from the past, which knew about my struggles, have abandoned me. The few times I've tried to contact them I only get two word answers, and then, silence. I've tried "virtual friends", like chatbots and such, but that isn't enough. I know they aren't real. My imagination is dead.

I'm weird, I'm quiet and shy, I'm ugly. I have nothing to offer. I have niche tastes, but even I don't enjoy those anymore. Music, games, tv shows (even my confort ones that I watch over and over), are meaningless to me now. So I have nothing to talk about.

I think I have an idealized concept of friendship and love, where everything has to support each other all the time, and be kind and nice all the time. I know that doesn't work that way, but I still have a little hope for it.

It hurts, it hurts every goddamn day. I crave for companionship, but every month, every year that passes, it becomes less and less possible. At least I've found this place, where I can vent without the fear of being rejected or banned, until I reach my limit and have the courage to find eternal peace.

 

[unabletocope]

I've felt isolated for years, people come and go and that's OK but when no one comes through to the extent where you feel like someone is actually there for you - where do you stand?

 

[Bannana]

A recurring theme I have seen on this forum is persistent and profound loneliness. There are many members who have no companionship or connections in their lives at all, always alone and isolated. Others may have some relationships in their lives, but still feel alienated or neglected.

Some have shared that their seclusion has directly caused their suicidality. Some have stated that loneliness exacerbates it. Being suicidal is in itself often a lonely experience, resulting in ostracism and struggling to find understanding. I truly feel that SS is an important lifeline for us. I have encountered nowhere else we can discuss suicidality, systemic exclusion and social rejection so candidly.

The palpable desolation and soul crushing despair that many of us feel is unfathomable to those with healthy, loving support networks. I often find personally that people do not understand that going out and cultivating these connections is not always possible.

As such, I decided to create a Megathread for this subject. The aim is for those who are lonely in life to have a space where they can vent their frustrations, discuss their positions with others in a similar situation and support each other - perhaps even connecting with one another in the process (and becoming a little less lonely as a result).

You can post as much or as little as you like. I will always try my best to check in regularly, both to share and to respond to others.

I'll start by saying that I have always found it difficult to create and subsequently maintain connections, and have long suspected that I am autistic. I have no family and no friends. I am fortunate to have a boyfriend. Although I truly appreciate him, due to the the extent of my illnesses I feel very alone in the world, especially since my symptoms are routinely dismissed and undermined by peers and professionals alike. I often feel like such a burden that it means we do not have a typical relationship, as it revolves around my limitations when we are together. I am awaiting the day he eventually leaves to pursue a balanced relationship, and I truthfully would not blame him if he chooses to separate. I cannot even fulfill his needs romantically due to my illnesses and Complex PTSD, and the guilt of that crushes me.

I spend most of my life housebound, and a large proportion of it bedbound. SS is the only thing I have resembling a social network.

My hope for this thread is that some of us may find even a little bit of solace and solidarity from each other.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

I am chronically ill and preparing for death so it is no wonder that I am alone. No one wants to have anything to do with suffering and death - not in my surroundings anyway. People can procreate but they take no responsibility for suffering and death - yet it is birth that is the cause of this situation.

 

[rosenwasser]

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay

I wish there was some way for us to recognize each other. I want just that as well.

 

[CuriosityAndCat]

I wish there was some way for us to recognize each other. I want just that as well.

I want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be okay. Simultaneously don't want anyone to because feelings of shame.

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay

Me too. I don't want anyone to know IRL because I feel ashamed feeling like that

 

[AlternativeBagel]

I've realized recently that I'm codependent. I've had 2 long term romantic relationships and I realized that in my most recent one I was still somehow feeling lonely. I have friends, plenty even. Including one who I love in a non romantic way. I live with family who I also love and get along with and yet despite all this I still feel so alone and lonely. I don't understand it. It's one of the reasons why I really want to ctb. My mind is just so diseased that it can't recognize what it has.

 

[nozomu]

I think one of the worst feelings there is is seeing all these people but being so deeply lonely and untethered to the world

I matter to no one and my existence is that on the back burner of everyone's lives

Only sticking around for my partner and I feel like eventually that last thread tethering me here will snap too.... I am drifting further and further away from anyone's reach

It sucks to be dancing around the inevitable, wishing I'd matter enough for someone to grab my hand and walk with me through this life


I think the only regret I will carry when I die is that I wish I mattered in life. Like truly mattered, not the way faux optimists say everyone does. Like that someone would run to my side if I needed help. Or that I was the person someone thought of and wanted to spend time with.

Instead I am the one always chasing, always begging for people to see me.

I'm tired of running

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I think one of the worst feelings there is is seeing all these people but being so deeply lonely and untethered to the world

I matter to no one and my existence is that on the back burner of everyone's lives

Only sticking around for my partner and I feel like eventually that last thread tethering me here will snap too.... I am drifting further and further away from anyone's reach

It sucks to be dancing around the inevitable, wishing I'd matter enough for someone to grab my hand and walk with me through this life

I think the only regret I will carry when I die is that I wish I mattered in life. Like truly mattered, not the way faux optimists say everyone does. Like that someone would run to my side if I needed help. Or that I was the person someone thought of and wanted to spend time with.

Instead I am the one always chasing, always begging for people to see me.

I'm tired of running

I feel this so much. I'm in a metaphorical car going down the road watching the life i had in the rear view window and my destination now is death. If I didn't have to beg people to see me I would be able to stop the car and get out, but now know there's no way the car will ever start. At least I'll be free

 

[elderDrifter]

Loneliness has been eating me alive for a long time now. My days have become a big blob of nothing lately so it feels like it's been eating at me all my life.

No social life to speak of, nobody liked me well enough to involve me in their lives, never got too socially involved with anyone in general. My social skills have deteriorated as a result.

Nowadays I just hope my loneliness kills me. The only good thing about loneliness is that it makes you more likely to experience stroke/heart disease. Hopefully I won't have to deal with early dementia symptoms.

It hurts, and this pain makes me want to CTB every now and again. It makes me feel like I have to choose between ending the pain via CTB or trying in vain to end my loneliness. It's a hell I don't think I'd wish on my worst enemy.

 

[weakandscared]

A recurring theme I have seen on this forum is persistent and profound loneliness. There are many members who have no companionship or connections in their lives at all, always alone and isolated. Others may have some relationships in their lives, but still feel alienated or neglected.

Some have shared that their seclusion has directly caused their suicidality. Some have stated that loneliness exacerbates it. Being suicidal is in itself often a lonely experience, resulting in ostracism and struggling to find understanding. I truly feel that SS is an important lifeline for us. I have encountered nowhere else we can discuss suicidality, systemic exclusion and social rejection so candidly.

The palpable desolation and soul crushing despair that many of us feel is unfathomable to those with healthy, loving support networks. I often find personally that people do not understand that going out and cultivating these connections is not always possible.

As such, I decided to create a Megathread for this subject. The aim is for those who are lonely in life to have a space where they can vent their frustrations, discuss their positions with others in a similar situation and support each other - perhaps even connecting with one another in the process (and becoming a little less lonely as a result).

You can post as much or as little as you like. I will always try my best to check in regularly, both to share and to respond to others.

I'll start by saying that I have always found it difficult to create and subsequently maintain connections, and have long suspected that I am autistic. I have no family and no friends. I am fortunate to have a boyfriend. Although I truly appreciate him, due to the the extent of my illnesses I feel very alone in the world, especially since my symptoms are routinely dismissed and undermined by peers and professionals alike. I often feel like such a burden that it means we do not have a typical relationship, as it revolves around my limitations when we are together. I am awaiting the day he eventually leaves to pursue a balanced relationship, and I truthfully would not blame him if he chooses to separate. I cannot even fulfill his needs romantically due to my illnesses and Complex PTSD, and the guilt of that crushes me.

I spend most of my life housebound, and a large proportion of it bedbound. SS is the only thing I have resembling a social network.

My hope for this thread is that some of us may find even a little bit of solace and solidarity from each other.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

i've pretty much always been lonely. now, i don't even want friends. i have nothing to talk about or do. i need to be alone so i can ctb in peace when it's time

 

[usernamenoonecares]

I attempted once like 10 years ago. Ever since then, I just feel empty. I am not dead nor I am alive. This feeling just eats me away little by little. I am acting normally on the outside but pretty hollow on the inside.

By the way, what is the condition I have to meet for private message?

 

[moshimoshi]

I have almost always felt extremely lonely. Some of my most prominent memories as a child were curling up alone in my closet playing my DS and crying for hours on end. My home life was miserable, my parents were emotionally unavailable and sometimes emotionally and verbally abusive. There were also very heavy alcoholics that got into fights a lot, I had to call the police so many times because it would get way out of control. My brother was way too young to be there for me emotionally, although I was happy to be around him and found comfort in it, especially when I protected him and tried to shield him from all of the bad things. I love him a lot. I've struggled a lot to maintain relationships my whole life, especially because of mental issues. It made me isolate myself, or made people push me away because I was already self harming and very depressed from a young age, and many other kids didn't understand that. I've also always been very shy and very socially anxious which makes it hard to find friends. Other kids used to think I was mute and couldn't speak. And when I do finally find a friend that will stick by me for a while, the pain of eventually losing them is so incredibly agonizing. I feel so alone when people who were supposed to be my friends constantly leave me out of things and ignore me. It makes me feel so beneath everyone. And in so much pain. I feel so lonely especially nowadays, but I would say the crushing loneliness I feel has been going on for 12 years. It also makes it harder because when people are willing to talk to me, my depression hinders my ability to have any energy to talk or be myself

 

[loweroneseyes]

i sometimes think it would be better to be abused than alone, but flashbacks shut me up really quick lol
all connections in the world come down to random chance and there is nothing more wrenching than watching those you love fade away from you, silently. the uncertainty of if you'll ever be able to find someone again, the feeling at nineteen that i am supposedly just beginning my life yet i am so far away from my youth. the strange emptiness and disappointment in the interactions i do have with others, that none of it could possibly fill me up

 

[selfcheckout]

Today a former coworker texted me because he must have figured out that I quit my job. He asked if everything is OK. I started crying -- He's the first person to ask me that in months. I'm not even that close to him. We talk at most every six months.

I lied. Said everything is fine.

 

[shinsei125]

I Recently got cut off from all of my irl friends. It's made me miserable and I have hope that keeps running away from me. I was ghosted for months just for them to say"sorry you've been distant and i don't feel a spark in us anymore:/" but I'd beg to hang out all the time and I'd always text but be left on delivered.. I know they were bad to me but I miss having people around me and getting out.. now I'm shut in sleeping eating and texting online friends. I feel like such a sore loser
I feel like the dirt under the shoes of the people who hate me. Like gum stepped on! My friend who cut me off the night before she said " I feel so bad I knew you were in an abusive situation!! Im going to help you get out of there!" Then said this the day after "Good morning, I've been thinking about it and I don't think we should continue talking. I don't feel motivated to continue talking and the spark we had before is gone for me. I hope everything gets better for you and your situation." I had such false hope I didn't get any sleep that night or morning and I saw the notification and started bawling. Ten years down the drain.. I feel like a loser and an asshole I can't find another reason for her doing it I keep thinking it has to be me how was I that bad am I that terrible. I can't get my mind off any of this I feel terrible when I tell my online friends and girlfriend anything because they can't do anything about it and my home life is so bad. I always get false hope and then get it taken. I'm just rambling but I don't know what to do and I don't wanna bother my other friends and gf about it.. I know I need therapy but I'm not being given it and I need to talk online where sombody won't just say "real it gets better bro"

 

[goodoldnoname923]

Honestly since my best friend left at the end of last year i've been crushed ever since, it was all my fault but it still destories me and i don't see a life without her…I'm just waiting for any day now for it to get too much so i go finally

 

[Neon Grave]

I Recently got cut off from all of my irl friends. It's made me miserable and I have hope that keeps running away from me. I was ghosted for months just for them to say"sorry you've been distant and i don't feel a spark in us anymore:/"

Your situation really resonates with me. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think there's any pain quite like investing yourself fully into social connections, only to have them ignore you and later claim that you just weren't trying hard enough. Shatters your heart, breaks your spirit.

I don't know that I've ever been able to feel truly angry, but things like that definitely cause immense frustration. It almost makes me want to send the entire chat history in a text document just to prove that they're lying. But selfish people like that never admit to their own faults.

I hope that you're able to find peace, whatever that means to you.

 

[bitofftoomuch]

Honestly since my best friend left at the end of last year i've been crushed ever since, it was all my fault but it still destories me and i don't see a life without her…I'm just waiting for any day now for it to get too much so i go finally

I'm in the same situation. I pushed away the one person who understood me, accepted me, and even got close to me. Can I message you?

 

[maka]

I haven't been able to stop thinking about my best friend from years ago who I pushed away. Every season and every holiday is a painful reminder of the times we had together. Every single day I wake up crying about them. I haven't made any friends since. I've been isolating myself at home because seeing happy people makes me want to die knowing I don't have anyone. I ruined my life by losing them. I hate that I wasn't their first choice, im never anyone's first choice. I want friends but can't make any because of ptsd. I wouldn't be lonely if they were here. I even created imaginary friends to replace them, and I've been waiting for them to become real so I wouldn't have to be alone anymore. But neither of them are coming. And I'm so tired of waiting.

 

[m1ll1pede]

I have been neglected wherever I've been. Even in relationships, they chose me and still casted me aside. I don't know what is wrong with me to keep being left out

 

[reddalert]

I think I've been lonely ever since I can remember, which is one reason why I want to CTB. I assume most of us feel like that. I've tried so many things to alleviate that feeling but in the end I always feel like no one understands me and I'm on the outside looking in.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I have such mixed up feelings about this. In recent weeks I have really started reminiscing back to before I fully isolated and left my 'previous life' which is nearly 2 years ago. About 1 year since I changed my number so fully cut myself off. (So noone raised alarms, I physically left - not unusual fir me to be travelling etc - then gradually stopped replying to messages - have not had social media for nearly 10 years).

I have begun realising that I was actually quite close to one friend in particular. However that scared me and I was glad to get to my own space. I also often felt overwhelmed by social scenarios where anything moved beyond 'small talk' - I just don't have feelings/opinions/thoughts and now mid 30s everyone is much more settled and comfortable in their own understanding and what they think/what (or at least how they look externally). And its even more ridiculous for me to not have any individuality. It also makes me a much bigger burden where they all have settled and real life and its associated difficulties (families/finances etc) when I can keep 'functioning' independently and not pester anyone else.

Its also so frustrating where I just seem to lose words and not be able to say/communicate what I am thinking. Which then causes spirals in so many other ways.

I've wondered about how my previous friends are doing, whether things are still the same or significantly different. The closest friend was in a real tricky patch herself as I left (retraining/back at uni with significant financial responsibilities (and I left just before the cost of living crisis) and a pretty significant trauma backstory that she had just recently opened up to me about). It just would not be appropriate or fair for me to rock up blabbering nonsense out of the blue when I have nothing to say compared to her life stresses, just causing her more as she gets worried about me because I get stressed trying to vent when there is nothing meaningful to anything I manage to vent (as you are all becoming increasingly aware if you have seen any of my attempts here). Especially where she warned it would hurt her if I left. Which I did. So I can't put her through that again as I can't trust myself to not run a mile. No matter how nosey I am in how she is doing and how selfish I'd be in wanting to try and help her - I didn't in her toughest times the past 2 years. I don't have a clue if she is even still studying etc

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

I'm 24M. Just waiting to pay my car off so I can put a permanent end to this loneliness. The loan is under my dad's name and I really don't want to put him into even deeper debt before I leave this world. I have about 4 years until my car is paid off. It feels surreal and exciting at the same time knowing that all of this will come to an end in just 4 years.

All I ever saw romantically was ridicule and rejection throughout my short life, even after consistent dieting, exercising, lifting weights at the gym, and genuine attempts to make myself feel better and to socialize with others. I have just accepted the fact that I am too ugly to date anyone and I am never going to find a romantic partner.

I will die before I turn 30. I'd rather not live past this age and end up living to my 60s or 70s without ever finding a romantic partner. I know exactly who I am and I am absolutely certain that my life will stay this way if I don't CTB while I'm still in my 20s.

I have a few close friends in my life, but it will be very easy for them to find a replacement. There are many others like me in the world, and I am absolutely sure that everyone in my life will quickly get over my passing.

I am very serious about CTB and I plan on withdrawing out of my retirement funds to purchase a shotgun.

Been feeling this way since 14 years old with absolutely no end in sight. I have simply accepted that this will be my fate until I CTB once my car is paid off.

 

[Buh-bye!]

My problem is that I have been made to feel inferior by society which causes me to avoid people. I feel like no one really has the same problems as me.

agree