Venting living on borrowed time

[girlsfoodgear]

i feel like i should have died years ago somehow, even if not from attempts to CTB - just that something should have happened for me to not make it this far. like a heart attack or freak car accident or something.

my drug use has increased significantly over the past few months and aside from the escapism desire, i wonder if i'm subconsciously ramping up my usage to induce something that would kill me 'naturally' as opposed to obvious CTB. i know a narcotics OD isn't exactly natural but for a socially active young woman in a big city filled with students and clubs, it could be easily spun that way.

does anyone else feel this way?

 

[CTB2023]

I suspect passive self-destructive behaviors don't come from the real intention of CTB (going through with CTB in reality is a very difficult and deep thing psychologically, not very casual), I feel like passive self-destructive behaviors contribute to a feeling of psychological helplessness which eventually contributes to ending up in a situation where you CTB.. because you reinforce that depressive feeling where you feel like you lack the ability to overcome something, in-theory you would stagnate in life, because you reinforce that state where you can't improve your situation

...(basically I feel like passive self-destructive behaviors causes you to sink deeper into a depressive state and eventually after some time your problems pile up and it feels compelling to CTB when the problems pile up to an intolerable point. A depressive state helps your problems pile up because it makes it so its much harder to fix your problems in life, because of those psychological / physiological aspects that a depressive state entails, like helplessness and feeling that overcoming things is impossible..)

maybe you have ideations but you dont want to go through the psychological process of accepting CTB and reflecting on yourself so you want to do it in an "unconscious" way/accidentally

Maybe you have ideations but you don't like the implications that having the necessity of going through with CTB in this life has on you as a person..
Just some thoughts..also not sure I explained thing s well in the first part

 

[Forever Sleep]

I was so convinced I'd die at 40. (I'm 43.) My Mum died when she was 40. I suppose I had my 'chance' and missed it a few years back. I had a gallstone blocking the bile duct at one stage. I think that may have eventually have lead to death but 2-3 days of pain was all I could cope with- without finding out what it was. But, I hate being older than my Mum was when she died.