Venting Let Me Fly ❤️

[SoulWhisperer]

I am sick, again. Every time is a different thing. (This time my respiratory system is fucked up again, my right ear has been ringing and clogged for the past 3 days and etc) Once again the doctor didn't check me and just prescribed meds. Will I heal? Mystery as always.

Anyways, it's day 5 and in less than a week my parents reminded me yet again of why I'm suicidal. They've been absolutely ruthless with insults lately. It's kind of ironic, they attack me for shit when I'm sick and unable to do anything, then when I'm magically not around (school, the fucking plaze they want to see me in 24/7 until I'm needed, even if I still don't understand why they care about me going to school at all) they don't bug me when I'm back.

You can understand it's not genuine concern when the thing comes up only when it's convenient to them, but they keep trying to gaslight me into thinking they're right. And when it's clear they're wrong they try anything to silence me, typical stupid narcissistic behaviour that completely disregards the other person. If it was a random person, sure, I'd just leave them and find someone else. But can you do that if doing that are your parents? Sometimes they even complain about things without knowing how things truly are. "Stop making useless excuses", to keep it real next time they ask me why I didn't do something I shall give them an answer that makes their statement appropriate. "Why didn't you pick it up?" "Oh sorry, it was invisible"/"It didn't render"/"I'm not high-level enough", I'm sure that would be funny. They say I don't do anything? Then when I'll actually do nothing they'll understand that I'm not useless. But that's besides the point.

[...] They always pick the times where I need help, can't do something on my own or am sick to go against me and make fun of me. If they take advantage of my weaknesses then does that make me their enemy? What kind of ally would exploit your weakness if you think about it?

They make it clear I'm useless, a parasite to them, and they don't seem to care about the five (and more coming) children they brought to this world. It is simply egoistical to keep making children until you get the one you desire just to mistreat the others as if they don't matter or as if they were "stepping stones"/"pawns" in your path. Let me tell you: that is just not how it works.

I want to rid myself of this joke. Not just this, of ALL the jokes my life cast on me. I'm not a comic character here to suffer for someone else's enjoyment.

This "life" thing is too much effort for something that gives so little return. I'm not putting my pain sensors and consciousness on the line just to be a toy.

Been getting quite the fantasies about dying in many different ways, I so oughttt to pick one, I'd try until I win. This time made me realise how vane my time on this earth is. Graduation won't solve shit, I have severe identity issues that prevent me from recognising myself, I have unrecoverable phobias, I have crippling anxiety, oh and I could go on for hours more...

I don't want no pity, I don't want no fairytale, I don't want anything thank you.

All I want is to be able to fly hundreds of meters at the speed of sound downwards like a fallen angel until my body reaches the ground, reaching it's final stage: death.

 

[Buh-bye!]

Do you think that doc's good ? I am not aware of your past experiences with them but this here, isn't a joke.
To not diagnose someone the right way and prescribe medication just based on previous diagnosis is something very serious and you're very right for feeling disquiet about it. I'd advise you to get the respiratory issues looked into, even if without your parents, even if it means taking an hour or so from your day to finding a different doc.
Having an ear problem feels even upsetting in these times. You already might be aware but might as well write. I am no doc but keep it well for as long as the next doctor visit, limiting headphone usage, loud noises and things with that affect.
People aren't shit to meddle with you, and they can not do that to cater their self absorbed personalities. It isn't on you if they're have such personalities, don't be harsh on yourself for their narcissism and try to detach yourself from any emotional manipulation they might try.
Now parents like yours are a very challenging experience. No wonder they push you towards ctb. I have had such parents myself actually and given that, i have my father for a few reasons I'd kill myself. It's good that you took time to express your disillusioned self. I am not aware of your conditions or mental health but if things around are still bearable I'd suggest keep on venting. Don't make the mistake of bottling up like i did, ever.
You mention issues that keep you from discovering your true self, i think i know what you mean. Due to my parents being how they were, i have always been someone else or something else. I was like a braindead person who only bothered with his parent's remarks of himself and hence never took time to self reflect. The primary issue with me was that, i had been so repressed that i couldn't even think right about myself or figure out who i was. If any of this is troubling you, i'd suggest emotional detachment ( not on too big a scale ) from people that constantly make you negative from their behaviour. Also, medications like anti depressents should steer away if identity issues is something one deals with.
You mention phobias, what kind? Is any of them linked to traumatic experiences ? Did you seek a therapist's help in tacking them ? I am not an expert on that maybe the resource sections could be of use.
Apart from that, I won't be philosophical here, you already understand the basics - the world is doomed, people are sick and ' why bother ? '. The answer to the why bother though is where things get interesting. It is artistic enough to have millions of reasons to not bother, all of them real and true. On the contrary their are thousands of answers too. Everybody makes their choices, none of which are prone to any judgments. Every reason is big enough in your heart and that's what matters. Be it to stay alive or to ctb. I for once choose to not bother, to ctb eventually.
Albeit since you mention school, i'd just like to offer an opinion that maybe if possible, halt your plans till school's over. It isn't that your reasons are not enough if you're in school, i mean i have somehwat similar reasons myself and i have attempted. It's just that things change after school, for better or worse. Mostly worse ( no false hopes here ). I am not a pro lifer most of the time ( trust ).
I apologize if i was rude or creepy with any of it, have a great night.



-anon [Edit]

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Do you think that doc's good ? I am not aware of your past experiences with them but this here, isn't a joke.
To not diagnose someone the right way and prescribe medication just based on previous diagnosis is something very serious and you're very right for feeling disquiet about it. I'd advise you to get the respiratory issues looked into, even if without your parents, even if it means taking an hour or so from your day to finding a different doc.
Having an ear problem feels even upsetting in these times. You already might be aware but might as well write. I am no doc but keep it well for as long as the next doctor visit, limiting headphone usage, loud noises and things with that affect.
People aren't shit to meddle with you, and they can not do that to cater their self absorbed personalities. It isn't on you if they're have such personalities, don't be harsh on yourself for their narcissism and try to detach yourself from any emotional manipulation they might try.
Now parents like yours are a very challenging experience. No wonder they push you towards ctb. I have had such parents myself actually and given that, i have my father for a few reasons I'd kill myself. It's good that you took time to express your disillusioned self. I am not aware of your conditions or mental health but if things around are still bearable I'd suggest keep on venting. Don't make the mistake of bottling up like i did, ever.
You mention issues that keep you from discovering your true self, i think i know what you mean. Due to my parents being how they were, i have always been someone else or something else. I was like a braindead person who only bothered with his parent's remarks of himself and hence never took time to self reflect. The primary issue with me was that, i had been so repressed that i couldn't even think right about myself or figure out who i was. If any of this is troubling you, i'd suggest emotional detachment ( not on too big a scale ) from people that constantly make you negative from their behaviour. Also, medications like anti depressents should steer away if identity issues is something one deals with.
You mention phobias, what kind? Is any of them linked to traumatic experiences ? Did you seek a therapist's help in tacking them ? I am not an expert on that maybe the resource sections could be of use.
Apart from that, I won't be philosophical here, you already understand the basics - the world is doomed, people are sick and ' why bother ? '. The answer to the why bother though is where things get interesting. It is artistic enough to have millions of reasons to not bother, all of them real and true. On the contrary their are thousands of answers too. Everybody makes their choices, none of which are prone to any judgments. Every reason is big enough in your heart and that's what matters. Be it to stay alive or to ctb. I for once choose to not bother, to ctb eventually.
Albeit since you mention school, i'd just like to offer an opinion that maybe if possible, halt your plans till school's over. It isn't that your reasons are not enough if you're in school, i mean i have somehwat similar reasons myself and i have attempted. It's just that things change after school, for better or worse. Mostly worse ( no false hopes here ). I am not a pro lifer most of the time ( trust ).
I apologize if i was rude or creepy with any of it, have a great night.



-anon [Edit]

Thank you but the only thing I wish to do is die, there's no "buts". I don't have the energy to list out every reason why I can't do 99% of what you told me. My death is just, the mere outcome of everyone that's happened. I'm not stupid, I just got to play worse than expected in life.