Help Kids- help preparing them…

[414xxx]

The ONLY reasons I haven't CTB yet are my amazing daughters, who are still in grade school.


How can I possibly prepare them for my exit?

 

[kilowatt]

How can I possibly prepare them for my exit?

Well, theoretically you shouldn't. At least not directly. If you are sure of your choice, anyone that finds out about your plan is just another person getting in the way. Personally I'd just invest into more quality time with my loved ones before I go.
Another thing to keep in mind is do not rely on death. No method under any circumstance is 100% guarantee and exceptions always exist. Be careful.
I see your account is new in here, so if you haven't heard this yet, please remember to try other options before catching the bus. If you feel like your reasons aren't good enough or something is holding you back then you most likely aren't ready just yet. Best regards!

 

[blackwidow]

I don't think you can.. Good advice from kilowatt.. When I had my children my motherly instinct has always been to never hurt them... Ever. I'm guessing your similar as a mother, or you wouldn't be asking this question. Your girls would never get over it that's for sure. It's a difficult one for sure.. Do you hurt them and change their lives forever... Or do you do what's right for you.. I know exactly how you feel if it's any consolation. Sending you a hug..

 

[maniac116]

Why don't you consider staying a while & give your kids some wonderful memories of your time together if you can.
In my life, when loved ones have CTB it's left me with more than sorrow. There's confusion too.
Why? Why did Daddy kill himself?
Did Daddy love us? Why did he leave us etc.

 

[Tesha]

You can't prepare them. I'm a mother and it's the hardest turmoil I'm having to deal with.

The best you can do is put things in place to comfort them after the act, but even then your death will affect them forever.

It's something I'm trying to navigate at the moment. There are so many variables, it's hard to advise what to do..

 

[Worndown]

There really is no way to prepare them.
An explanation of why can help after the fact.

 

[Light_]

It's better to ask forgiveness then permission. In other words, I don't think it's ethical to potentially traumatize through anticipation. I based this on personal experience with knowing something in advance and how much worse that is than just dealing with it after it happens. Ultimately they're your kids it's your call
good luck

 

[bluejelly]

This is something I've been trying to come to terms with - I don't think you can prepare them. While you're here, ensuring they know they are loved. Preparing things that may bring them comfort afterwards.
It's a huge struggle, trying to balance the desperate need to end your own suffering but knowing it will hurt them. I don't have the answers, I wish I did. But I'm here in solidarity, as another parent going through it.

 

[414xxx]

Thanks, everyone for the words and wisdom.

Suffice it to say that I am profoundly alone. Parents and sibling want nothing to do with me.

For lots of reasons I have been the cause of unending pain for my spouse and others.

Lots of medication and lots and lots and lots of therapy have done nothing.

Literally, the only thing I am any good at is parenting. I suppose it's worth saying that I never meant talking about a final exit with my kids, but just some way/s to prepare them as much as possible if I do.

It's this constant tension that so many of you have described- leaving and preventing inevitable hurt I will inflict on them in the future, either directly, through my messed up medical and psychiatric history, or through my horribly toxic spousal relationship, OR, inflict lifelong hurt on them by the act of leaving.

I feel so torn. So stuck. So grateful to them but wish I'd had the clarity before they were born. Wouldn't even be an issue. I wouldn't be here.

 

[414xxx]

I can totally empathize with you. I have lost my relationships with my sisters and many friends in the last months. I never struggled with depression until after my 2nd was born 18 years ago. Had a few severe postpartum depression episodes, then 5 years ago, went through a hell of a benzo withdrawal experience after 2 years of chronic pain/health issues that resolved. Almost didn't make it through that and it was traumatic for the whole family. Life was good for a few years until this hell came about 6 months ago and it's permanent this time. It's been like a nuclear bomb. My husband and I fight constantly, which in itself has been very traumatic for my kids. I feel horrendous guilt and shame and jealousy, etc, etc. I'm not even a "good" parent. I am barely surviving, let alone taking care of them. Despite this, it may be "better" for them if I stay but I'm tortured in all ways and don't know if I can.

So I understand what you mean by "preparing" them now. I will tell you this....I wrote each of my kids a letter and put it away for them. I have went through the momentos/art/cards that they gave me, so they will know how much they meant to me. I am trying to print out some photos, the last family photo of when I was well and doing good and the mother that I want them to remember. I have labeled my jewelry so my girls will know what is what. Unfortunately, in my case, the longer I wait, the harder it's going to be for them to know the "real" me, the good mom I was before I got injured/damaged. We are very religious and my kids are going to have the added trauma of thinking I am in hell. My husband will likely try to erase me. It's a horrendous situation for me and my family all around. I'm sorry again for your suffering. I think if you can withstand your pain, it's still "better" for your kids for you to stick around.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It really does sound like a horrendous situation. so many things contributing.

I like your idea, though. Regardless, I'm going to start collecting things and writing letters to them.

 

[wanttodie12345]

For what it's worth, my dad ctb when I was a child. I knew something was going on that day, but didn't know what happened until much later. I was grateful he left a note explaining it wasn't my fault and he loved me and he was sorry. It hurt, but for a while it gave me strength to keep going. It's been decades and he's not forgotten.
I have written notes, and I put together a photo album for each kid to help remember the good times. I wouldn't say anything in advance. I think the only time that is helpful is in cases of terminal illness.
Ultimately, everything is your decision. It's certainly a difficult one to make.

 

[wanttodie12345]

@wanttodie12345 Sorry for what you are going through. Does the fact that your dad CTB make it "easier" for you to? Do you mind sharing how old? Were you living together at the time? Was he really sick and did you know things weren't right before? My kids and my fears of after are what's holding me here. They are going to be devastated/traumatized but they know Mom is sick and in pain and not well, in all aspects, though they have gotten used to it.

Sorry for all the questions...I'm worried about my kids...a lot. I struggle to "feel" the love but still do and still have that mother's instincts to protect thembbut I am suffering so much in all ways, it's not going to be enough in the end, barring some miracle that happens very soon.

I was 10 at the time. He was under a lot of stress, but to my knowledge he wasn't sick, though we now wonder if he was physically suffering and didn't say anything. We were living together, and to me it was a surprise. As a child, I thought it was very painful, and his ctb made me think I could never do the same as him. As an adult I can sympathize (or is it empathize?) For someone to be suffering mentally or physically enough to choose ctb the pain must be severe.
I feel similar to you about my kids. It's hard to feel anything, but I want them to be ok. They've already lost their mother because I've been physically and mentally ill and therefore absent even while living with them. Now I'm not able to live with them and they are doing fine. It feels like a practice run, I can see they will be ok after I ctb.
I have also done what I can to connect them and their father with counseling, one less thing to worry about in their grief.