Just a pointless rant

[Jinxyxx]

I feel so guilty for not being happy and not being able to function the way most people do. Doing my daily tasks is such a struggle that i fail in them very often. Today i was supposed to go to some lecture and i just couldnt. I arrived to the lecture but then just turned around and left.
I know its annoying af and people often get upset at me because i cant get anything done. I feel so bad about it. I feel like such a disappointment.
I wish i was happy. I cant remember the time in my life when i felt happy. Since my first memories until now, it just hurts. I wish it was easier to end this pain. I wish i was one of the lucky ones. And i wish there was something i could do. I cant get better and i cant die. It hurts.
I feel bad for all of you too. The whole comunity of people that cant take this life anymore. Its sad. I wish you all at least one more good day.
And im sorry if this rant is kinda confusing. Its really difficult for me to focus rn. Even writing a sentence is a struggle for me rn ig
Lately its difficult to even eat or shower or change my clothes... Im so tired. Im just so tired...

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I feel this. Yesterday I had yet another self loathing breakdown and curled into a ball in the shower. I fucking hate this. I'm 31, and nothing fills this void. I'm on meds, and honestly, at 31, I don't expect to get better. I have been struggling to eat lately too, it's rough because you definitely need the energy.
At the moment I'm pursuing my dreams as a last ditch effort to save myself.
I have found that the only way you get out of bed is if you make yourself get out of bed.
There's always going to be some good days mixed into the bad "years". But, being happy isn't something anyone should aim for.

If you don't love yourself, happiness will only seem fake.
And if you're happy and broken, you can't enjoy the happiness you have because you know that you have to work to maintain it.
Comfortable is a more obtainable goal, but believe when I tell you that loving yourself is a part of that process.