I'm on here because nobody in my direct vicinity is suicidal like I am, nobody has BPD like I do. But you are all, for the most part, also suicidal like me.
What I want to know is, (hopefully from people older than me), that I am not alone in never having a partner. That it's not my fault I'm suicidal and so lonely.
I am 18 (I'm non binary and about to be a sophomore in college) and ALL, and I mean ALL of my friends and the people around me have had something romantic or romantic-adjacent. Even my friends who didn't have anyone got someone to date this year, even if it didn't work out. My entire group of friends in college and at home are like this, and even online. I can only think of one girl that I know (who is also very mentally ill but slowly recovering like me!) who has never dated someone. Every time something romantic has happened my BPD has flared up and I end up cutting and relapsing. Today in fact my friends were talking about partners and it took me a lot of energy not to bite myself (I did in the end, but it wasn't too big). They all have much better mental health than me, and frankly I'm sick and tired of being so miserable. The one exception is my best friend, but I feel so offput and upset at even her, because although she's chronically ill and has bad OCD and CPTSD (which have been treated from a young age, unlike me who's had professionals fail and mistreat them over and over), she has had over *5 different people have feelings for her.* Like, how is that fair???? Am I not in enough pain?????
I am so sick and tired of not having anyone love me. It's hard to feel lovable especially when you're suicidal. It's a large reason of why I want to kill myself. I am non binary, and I am simply too loud and suicidal and autistic and I attach to people too easily.
I have had someone had a crush on me in the past, but I still don't believe him. I think another part of why I feel like this is my CPTSD, it causes me to have a constant fractured identity which makes everything all the more painful, I just want to feel whole and not at such a heavy disadvantage because I'm suicidal and severely depressed
I'm not planning to kill myself, I just want to know that I'm not alone, from people who are also suicidal like I am.
I probably won't talk on this forum again after I make this post (unless I need more POV's from people who are also suicidal) because I don't want to relapse and hurt myself and end up in a worse mental state than I am in now
So please, fellow suicidal people, please tell this poor little homi-suicidal deer that they aren't alone. That you all, too, are older than me and have never dated. That it's okay to be alone and heal.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
What I want to know is, (hopefully from people older than me), that I am not alone in never having a partner. That it's not my fault I'm suicidal and so lonely.
I am 18 (I'm non binary and about to be a sophomore in college) and ALL, and I mean ALL of my friends and the people around me have had something romantic or romantic-adjacent. Even my friends who didn't have anyone got someone to date this year, even if it didn't work out. My entire group of friends in college and at home are like this, and even online. I can only think of one girl that I know (who is also very mentally ill but slowly recovering like me!) who has never dated someone. Every time something romantic has happened my BPD has flared up and I end up cutting and relapsing. Today in fact my friends were talking about partners and it took me a lot of energy not to bite myself (I did in the end, but it wasn't too big). They all have much better mental health than me, and frankly I'm sick and tired of being so miserable. The one exception is my best friend, but I feel so offput and upset at even her, because although she's chronically ill and has bad OCD and CPTSD (which have been treated from a young age, unlike me who's had professionals fail and mistreat them over and over), she has had over *5 different people have feelings for her.* Like, how is that fair???? Am I not in enough pain?????
I am so sick and tired of not having anyone love me. It's hard to feel lovable especially when you're suicidal. It's a large reason of why I want to kill myself. I am non binary, and I am simply too loud and suicidal and autistic and I attach to people too easily.
I have had someone had a crush on me in the past, but I still don't believe him. I think another part of why I feel like this is my CPTSD, it causes me to have a constant fractured identity which makes everything all the more painful, I just want to feel whole and not at such a heavy disadvantage because I'm suicidal and severely depressed
I'm not planning to kill myself, I just want to know that I'm not alone, from people who are also suicidal like I am.
I probably won't talk on this forum again after I make this post (unless I need more POV's from people who are also suicidal) because I don't want to relapse and hurt myself and end up in a worse mental state than I am in now
So please, fellow suicidal people, please tell this poor little homi-suicidal deer that they aren't alone. That you all, too, are older than me and have never dated. That it's okay to be alone and heal.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
