I've asked this before but does anyone want to die because of a physical ailment?

[Sweet emotion]

I kind of feel out of place even on a suicide site. Everyone here is suffering from mental health problems. I'm depressed and have anxiety as well but it's all stemming from the fact that I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. I've had it for 14 years and am the only patient any doctors have seen that has it inside the ears. So I can't speak much or listen to anyone or any kind of noise. It's gotten to the point where any kind of sound is unbearable and it travels to my head and face and I feel like I'm being crushed. Every moment of the day is like being physically tortured. This is actually called he suicide disease because there are no treatments or a cure. I also have it in the vaginal area. So I've been isolated in an apartment for 14 years only leaving to go to doctors or hospitals. I met someone on here who has CRPS for 2 years. But is anyone going to kill themselves because of all the pain from a physical illness? Of course I hope no one on here is suffering as physically as bad as I am. That would just be sick. But it's crazy that I even feel alone on a suicide site. I even feel alone in the CRPS support sites because I've not met anyone who has it where I have it. Doctors who have been dealing with this for 25 years have never seen anyone like me. I feel like a freak if nature. I got this at 20 and was misdiagnosed for 7 years. Then had some jaw surgeries which made the ear pain worse. This is definitely going to be my last year. A few more months tops. I am being forced by my pain management doctor to see an ear, nose and throat doctor. I already have one. There is nothing physically wrong with my ears. This is a nerve condition. I can hear too well to the point where it becomes maddening. The tinnitus is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm trapped inside my head. If I don't see this new doctor my pain management doctor said he is going to let me go because he can't just keep prescribing me pain meds. Well I've tried every treatment and nothing has worked so what else is there left to do to keep me comfortable enough to want to continue to go on for a little while longer? I'm not letting this new doctor touch me. I don't even know if he knows about my disease because doctors have no clue this even exists. It's not taught it medical school like the all important cancer. I pray for cancer to get me out of the misery this disease has caused. People have limbs amputated to try and get relief but there is risk for added pain with surgery. Can't have my head amputated haha. But I'm not letting this doctor touch me because I'm tired if leaving doctors offices in more pain than I go in with. It hurts when the breeze blows on me. I have to rub numbing cream on my ears at night just so they can touch the pillow. My very good friend killed herself three years ago at age 31 because she also had CRPS and couldn't take it anymore. I wish I had the strength she had. We were very close because we were the same age and got this condition very young and never got a chance to live our lives. Travel, work, fall in love. Have friends. And I loved life before this happened. I'm just disgusted and so damn tired. I'm mentally tired. I've been strong for a long time but everyone has their breaking points. Plus there is no point in being alone and I this much pain just so I can say m still fighting. People try to encourage me to stick around because.......maybe tomorrow they will find a cure! These people really make me laugh. It's only been around since the beginning fo time and it's still not known to doctors. I just pray for the strength to end this soon.

 

[Le_lacrime_di_marzo]

Me. I have been a bit melancholic my whole life. The past 5 years were particularly difficult for me due to a crappy living situation (I was forced to live and work with my ex for various economic/bureaucratic reasons). That being said, I had never considered suicide even in my darkest moments. All that changed at the end of 2018. I became ill with chronic nerve pain in my abdominal wall and with the worst lump/pain feeling in my throat and chest. I feel like I'm being stabbed in the gut and that my stomach is trying to exit my body via my esophagus. In the past 11 months my life has completely crumbled. I went from being a successful, independent 27-year-old woman running her own business in an idyllic Italian village to a an angry, bitter recluse who sleeps for 16 hours a day. I had to move back in with my parents. I've completely lost the person I thought I was. I just can't deal with this 24/7 pain. People keep telling me to accept it but I can't. I've always been a big wuss when it came to illness and pain so I knew that I would handle something like this very badly. I'm going to therapy and taking antidepressants and meditating and doing all the shit people say is supposed to help but honestly I've had enough. If I have to live the rest of my life with this pain then I'd rather not live at all. And I'm sick of going to see doctors and surgeons who just look at me like I'm a crazy person and say that it's all psychological. That's just doctor-speak for 'I don't know what's wrong with you.' I'm tired of having tests and exams and tubes stuck in every orifice. I'm tired of having to put on a brave face for everyone.
You have my utmost respect for having put up with your condition for 14 years. You are one strong lady. From the sounds of it your condition is just about the worst thing that could happen to a person. I don't think I would have lasted 4 days in your place, let alone 14 years!!!
It pisses me off, because, like you, I was enjoying life before this happened. I hate the fact that the pain is forcing me to consider suicide, because I know that would ruin the lives of my parents. Also, I don't actually want to die! I just want to get out of this crappy body! I'm going to hold on for as long as I can, because I feel like I owe it to them. But it's not easy.
Anyway, once again, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that shit for 14 years. Even I can't imagine what it must be like. It must be one of the most lonely and difficult things a human being can endure.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Me. I have been a bit melancholic my whole life. The past 5 years were particularly difficult for me due to a crappy living situation (I was forced to live and work with my ex for various economic/bureaucratic reasons). That being said, I had never considered suicide even in my darkest moments. All that changed at the end of 2018. I became ill with chronic nerve pain in my abdominal wall and with the worst lump/pain feeling in my throat and chest. I feel like I'm being stabbed in the gut and that my stomach is trying to exit my body via my esophagus. In the past 11 months my life has completely crumbled. I went from being a successful, independent 27-year-old woman running her own business in an idyllic Italian village to a an angry, bitter recluse who sleeps for 16 hours a day. I had to move back in with my parents. I've completely lost the person I thought I was. I just can't deal with this 24/7 pain. People keep telling me to accept it but I can't. I've always been a big wuss when it came to illness and pain so I knew that I would handle something like this very badly. I'm going to therapy and taking antidepressants and meditating and doing all the shit people say is supposed to help but honestly I've had enough. If I have to live the rest of my life with this pain then I'd rather not live at all. And I'm sick of going to see doctors and surgeons who just look at me like I'm a crazy person and say that it's all psychological. That's just doctor-speak for 'I don't know what's wrong with you.' I'm tired of having tests and exams and tubes stuck in every orifice. I'm tired of having to put on a brave face for everyone.
You have my utmost respect for having put up with your condition for 14 years. You are one strong lady. From the sounds of it your condition is just about the worst thing that could happen to a person. I don't think I would have lasted 4 days in your place, let alone 14 years!!!
It pisses me off, because, like you, I was enjoying life before this happened. I hate the fact that the pain is forcing me to consider suicide, because I know that would ruin the lives of my parents. Also, I don't actually want to die! I just want to get out of this crappy body! I'm going to hold on for as long as I can, because I feel like I owe it to them. But it's not easy.
Anyway, once again, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through that shit for 14 years. Even I can't imagine what it must be like. It must be one of the most lonely and difficult things a human being can endure.

Hey sweetie. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I will write to you tomorrow because it's 7:00 a.m. and I haven't slept. I can barely keep my eyes open. I'll talk to you soon. you

 

[IHaveNoIdea]

They supposedly can treat crps here. It's really expensive though. https://www.seeingyouwell.com/

 

[Darkhaven]

Yes, my main reason to ctb is Essential Tremor.
Should i never had gotten this crap i wouldn't be here now, i wouldn't be depressed and i wouldn't want to kill myself, for sure.

 

[LonelyLight]

Oh that sounds absolutely awful what your going thru my heart actually aches for you. Even an earache to me is so painful I cannot imagine what you go thru every day! I hope somebody can help you soon!! I don't know if this is a silly question but have you tried cannabis oil? Could be worth looking into if you haven't.
All the best to you