Psych ward. Please help me. I am not insane. All I wanted was to die..

[Whale_bones]

I've been calm the entire time I've been here. That's not the issue. It's the fact of 'proving' I'm safe alone yet I've lived my life alone, and haven't tried to kill myself everyday (sarcasm, obviously I haven't, how stupid are they).

I'm not on any psych meds at all, my mood isn't an issue, hence why I'm not on meds or relaxants etc - not the issue - it's trauma, and they know and agree. I have tried two different calming meds but that was when I first got here and they didn't do shit, so no point trying again and again.

I can easily fake calmness. I internalise everything - always have, it's how I've survived. Little do they know. Fawning is how I've survived.

I just want to get out of this fucking prison

You don't deserve ANY of this. Your autonomy and dignity should be fully respected, number 1 because you're a human being, and even more so because you've already been through trauma. You deserve to live safely and freely while making the decisions that are best for yourself- which only you can know.

We have some things in common with our life stories, and the ability to put on a mask of calmness while holding everything inside. Remind yourself that you hold all your power, knowledge, creativity, everything that's "you" deep inside, and none of the people around you can take that from you. They can't even get close to touching it! You have that locked safely inside. Trust your judgment over their words; their talk is cheap while your knowledge of yourself is valuable.

While appearing calm is an important survival skill, unfortunately I've found that some (bad) MH professionals will actually want to keep you there longer, essentially because you're not unpleasant to be around and not causing problems like many others. Hopefully they are just running out the clock on the 4 weeks like they've said, and you can go when that time's up.

But if they try to change it and come up with an excuse for keeping you longer, don't hesitate to put your foot down and try out some of the resources that people have mentioned on this thread. They're putting you through enough with the 4 weeks, you shouldn't have to go through that in the first place, but definitely shouldn't have to stay longer than that. Sending you as much strength as I can muster

Hello everyone,

I am French, I registered on this site because I am lost. I really want to end it, I have been depressed for 10 years but I had never felt the urge to leave. But since last July I have developed lupus which is ruining my life on many levels. I no longer have the strength, I want to leave but I don't know how, I really can't hold on anymore.
Sorry for my English

Thank you all for listening!!

Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point, but you'll find many understanding and kind people here. I suggest you make a new thread to introduce yourself or talk about any topics you wish to, as this thread is focused on @MyTimeIsUp and their situation.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

You don't deserve ANY of this. Your autonomy and dignity should be fully respected, number 1 because you're a human being, and even more so because you've already been through trauma. You deserve to live safely and freely while making the decisions that are best for yourself- which only you can know.

We have some things in common with our life stories, and the ability to put on a mask of calmness while holding everything inside. Remind yourself that you hold all your power, knowledge, creativity, everything that's "you" deep inside, and none of the people around you can take that from you. They can't even get close to touching it! You have that locked safely inside. Trust your judgment over their words; their talk is cheap while your knowledge of yourself is valuable.

While appearing calm is an important survival skill, unfortunately I've found that some (bad) MH professionals will actually want to keep you there longer, essentially because you're not unpleasant to be around and not causing problems like many others. Hopefully they are just running out the clock on the 4 weeks like they've said, and you can go when that time's up.

But if they try to change it and come up with an excuse for keeping you longer, don't hesitate to put your foot down and try out some of the resources that people have mentioned on this thread. They're putting you through enough with the 4 weeks, you shouldn't have to go through that in the first place, but definitely shouldn't have to stay longer than that. Sending you as much strength as I can muster



Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point, but you'll find many understanding and kind people here. I suggest you make a new thread to introduce yourself or talk about any topics you wish to, as this thread is focused on @MyTimeIsUp and their situation.

I know exactly what you meant. I'm not *too* calm, don't worry.

Several members of staff have already admitted I shouldn't have been here for this long, and it does make patients worse. Especially trauma patients. I am going fucking insane in here. I'm losing my fucking mind

I've been putting my foot down, and will continue to do so. I have found that also - they haven't actually got a reason to keep me here. I asked why I'm still here and they said because I have to 'prove' I'm safe at home. I've lived on my own my entire life. So they've taken my freedom and independence, now what?

They've already broken me, but I'm not showing it. Absolutely fucking disgusting how we are treated. All the patients are going insane from being locked up, understandably. Staff expect you to be fine when you're locked away all the time. Most of the staff are really lovely and caring, but a select few are horrible and treat you like a nut case.

I honestly can't cope in here. My physical heath has deteriorated as well. Rapidly. I just feel so broken. I'm 10x traumatised than I was and let me tell you... I was ALREADY a VERY traumatised individual. My life has been nothing but trauma from before I was even fucking born. I don't know how to cope in here anymore. But I know I have to

Staff have been saying I'll be discharged soon and likely able to go home next week. I doubt it.

My doctor barely says two words to me. He is a REAL DICKHEAD. How the fuck is he a medical director? Christ. Absolutely shocking. Doesn't come across as a top consultant tbh.

I miss my freedom. The plan is to go home, have a lovely meal, a nice hot bath, music, candles. Do a few things for a bit, and then I'm going.

Sorry to go on about this, I'm just so broken. They've fucked me. I was already fucked. They've implied it is done on purpose.

This shit shouldn't exist. A person's rights should not be taken just because they want to die. Fuck off. I can't even articulate the way I used to be able to. I'm beyond broken. The old me has gone now.

Hope you have a good one

Thanks for mentioning that (about the irrelevant post on here), I appreciate it. It makes me feel validated. Shit this was long. Sorry. I only started posting when I got to the psych ward, I never did before. Just need support I guess. Won't get it anywhere else.

********************************* it won't let me add a separate comment, so this is for everyone:

Thanks to everyone that gives a shit. Those that have taken the time to reply, or even read means so much to me. I've never felt important or wanted. I've never felt such warmness from so many people

I appreciate you, SaSu family ♥ I honestly don't know what I would've done if this site didn't exist. Thanks so much for treating me like a person

 

[SilentSadness]

This really is insane, it's very eye opening that this is legal. The people responsible for things like this should have consequences, but instead they are allowed to continue abusing their power, again and again. Sadly there is so much gaslighting and it's easy to get bullied into submission. People have no sympathy for suicidal people. I think most people would be okay with sectioned people being beaten until they say they won't ctb. It's also inexcusable if you were sectioned without illness, that's malpractice and will certainly lead to harm. I hope you weren't irrecoverably damaged by this experience, thank you for this warning to everyone.

 

[marshmallowfluff]

They do argue, yes, but that's why your solicitor and the tribunal dr/lay member/judge is there. The staff on your ward also don't have crystal balls, so they can't comment on whether or not you'd get out. No one on my ward expected me to get off my s3 at my last tribunal but I did. Everyone was saying I needed 24 hour carers at home and couldn't live in the community cos the risk was too high - what a load of shite that all turned out to be. We're now living at independent living placements. All I am say that if they do extend to a s3 (hopefully they don't), appeal when you can.

The assessment on s2 is general ward assessment, so whatever they see on a daily basis. Unfortunately they can say and write what they want about you. There is no specific assessment where they sit down with you and ask questions, apart from your ward rounds. They might get the ward psychologist to come and see you, but hardly any acute wards have these now. Mental hospitals are the worst places now. I dunno how people recover in them, they're not at all therapeutic environments. Loud, busy, chaotic, and nothing to do, with shit food. I hear you on the trauma… you see and hear things you should never have to

Remember they're not all your enemies. Some of the staff do care. It's not a well paying job and they're overworked and understaffed. It's a horrible horrible environment to be in as a patient and you do have the right to keep yourself to yourself, but cutting them off and not even engaging in general conversation with them will get you shitty treatment and doctors saying you're anti social and paranoid… been there done that.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

They do argue, yes, but that's why your solicitor and the tribunal dr/lay member/judge is there. The staff on your ward also don't have crystal balls, so they can't comment on whether or not you'd get out. No one on my ward expected me to get off my s3 at my last tribunal but I did. Everyone was saying I needed 24 hour carers at home and couldn't live in the community cos the risk was too high - what a load of shite that all turned out to be. We're now living at independent living placements. All I am say that if they do extend to a s3 (hopefully they don't), appeal when you can.

The assessment on s2 is general ward assessment, so whatever they see on a daily basis. Unfortunately they can say and write what they want about you. There is no specific assessment where they sit down with you and ask questions, apart from your ward rounds. They might get the ward psychologist to come and see you, but hardly any acute wards have these now. Mental hospitals are the worst places now. I dunno how people recover in them, they're not at all therapeutic environments. Loud, busy, chaotic, and nothing to do, with shit food. I hear you on the trauma… you see and hear things you should never have to

Remember they're not all your enemies. Some of the staff do care. It's not a well paying job and they're overworked and understaffed. It's a horrible horrible environment to be in as a patient and you do have the right to keep yourself to yourself, but cutting them off and not even engaging in general conversation with them will get you shitty treatment and doctors saying you're anti social and paranoid… been there done that.

There's no reason for me to continue to stay. I'm only on twice an hour checks now and I'll allowed on the grounds by myself. I've put things in place (support) for when I get home, but I don't need it.

I'm not sure where you got that I don't engage with staff? I didn't say I don't engage with staff. I speak to staff daily and other patients.. I literally spend time talking to them. Obviously you misunderstood what I said, somehow. I literally stated how lovely some of the staff are. I didn't say all the staff are dicks. I said most are lovely.

It isn't my problem they are underpaid. Don't work in mental health if you can't be a decent person. Simple. I'm a fucking person at the end of the day, not a fucking machine. Boo hoo cry me a river. Feel sorry for the staff.. not the patient that is treated like shit..yeah, that makes perfect sense. Sounds about right. Never about the patient.

So, the patient has to take being treated like a piece of fucking shit.*by staff*, nice to everyone, gets on with everyone, everyone loves the patient, but... you want me to think about their fucking problems? Fuck no. Staff have already told me their fucking problems.

I have done *nothing* but listen to their bullshit. I have done *nothing* wrong here. I have complied with all their fucking rules. I don't bitch. All I do is *express* myself in a *calm*, *decent* way, like anyone would. I am not the fucking problem here and don't fucking imply I am.

I don't need this shit from you as well. All I asked was for support and you act like the staff are the fucking victims in this? Really? I hope the next time you comment on a post like this, you actually put the person first, not the actual thing that is hurting that individual (staff). Kindly fuck off now. Thanks. Fuck me, when I thought there was somewhere I could go, turns out there isn't.

 

[marshmallowfluff]

Woah! I don't know where you're getting that from? I'm completely on your side! Don't forget I am in the system/in hospital too.

I am glad you are standing up for your rights and telling them what you want and need, because that's how you get out. I was just suggesting that you keep talking, especially to the staff that you like. If i carried on NOT talking I wouldn't be informal now.

Patients do get treating like shit and I was validating your experience of having a traumatic time on the ward and a dr who's a knob. I didn't say or even suggest that you were a problem. Some psychiatrists are horrendous and are on a bad bad power trip. My previous consultant was also the medical director - god knows how he got to that position!

I was trying to help but I won't respond again. I hope you get out of hospital soon. Good luck moving forward