it's my ctb week

[unbelievablydead]

i still have a bunch of things i need to do this week (in regards to finances, finishing letters, cleaning my space, etc;), as well as some last foods i want to eat and places i want to visit before i ctb. i'm glad i'll be occupied but i also procrastinated and now i'm behind lol.

i'm excited to be at peace, nervous about everything going well, and grieving the life/self that i lost. also feeling a lot of guilt and such shame for leaving my family behind, especially my dog. but i truly can't go on anymore.

i have a few methods that i'll be trying this weekend. i know the first two aren't really reliable, and i should just go with the last one, but i'm scared and want to try the others first

1.) shallow water blackout- i've been practicing hyperventilating and then holding my breath and haven't been able to pass out yet. my plan is to do a bunch of laps and breath holding games until i'm absolutely exhausted, hyperventilating, holding my breath, and hopefully drowning.

2.) poppy seed tea- i've ordered three 1 lb bags and plan to soak them all in a gallon jug with hot water. i'm really hoping at least one of the batches has enough of the latex opiom to be fatal. i also have zofran and lorazepam which should hopefully help.

3.) shotgun to the head- this is my last resort if nothing else works. the concerns here are a.) nerves getting in the way of my aim b.) the way my body will look with a bullet through my skull, so not my preferred method, despite reliability

wish me luck <3

 

[OzymandiAsh]

Good luck, friend. Hope you find peace.

Aren't you afraid that if your first two attempts lead to attention from the authorities, they could find and take your shotgun away?

If you are worried about how it will look to whoever discovers you, I guess you could put a few bags over your head first, but then you'll be shooting in the dark and aim might not be perfect.

 

[unbelievablydead]

Good luck, friend. Hope you find peace.

Aren't you afraid that if your first two attempts lead to attention from the authorities, they could find and take your shotgun away?

If you are worried about how it will look to whoever discovers you, I guess you could put a few bags over your head first, but then you'll be shooting in the dark and aim might not be perfect.

thank you <3

let me know if i've left something to be discovered, but i guess my perspective is

1.) with swb, either i drown or not, and if i do i'll just be found dead
2.) with pst, if all that happens is that i become sick and/or go unconscious and wake up later, i don't think i'd go to the hospital or anything
3.) the shotgun actually isn't mine, and gun laws in my state are very lax, so i'm not really worried about it tbh (maybe i should? lol)

so i don't see why the authorities would be called until after death, but please let me know if i've missed anything!

 

[android]

Why start with 1 and 2 instead of 3? Have you thought this through? The risk of failure is very high here. It doesn't sound like you want to die. This is not the plan of someone who wants to die. Listen to your body while you still can.

 

[unbelievablydead]

Why start with 1 and 2 instead of 3? Have you thought this through? The risk of failure is very high here. It doesn't sound like you want to die. This is not the plan of someone who wants to die. Listen to your body while you still can.

1 and 2 just sound less gruesome, i don't want to do something that will leave my body a mess if i don't have to, hence why 3 is a last resort (if i have to, then ok). you are partially right though, part of me wants to die, and the other part just feels like i need to. i did something that has left me with a unique type of trauma, and i just don't see myself living a fulfilling, normal life anymore. if this thing hadn't happened then i'd be totally fine, but it did, and so now i just feel that death is the only option for me. i've tried therapy, meds, and other things and nothing works. i just don't want to live anymore. do appreciate your concern though <3

 

[android]

1 and 2 just sound less gruesome, i don't want to do something that will leave my body a mess if i don't have to, hence why 3 is a last resort (if i have to, then ok). you are partially right though, part of me wants to die, and the other part just feels like i need to. i did something that has left me with a unique type of trauma, and i just don't see myself living a fulfilling, normal life anymore. if this thing hadn't happened then i'd be totally fine, but it did, and so now i just feel that death is the only option for me. i've tried therapy, meds, and other things and nothing works. i just don't want to live anymore. do appreciate your concern though <3

What did you do?

 

[unbelievablydead]

I want to end it badly right now, too. I am thinking of going to the rooftop of my apartment building. I am tired of it and I am tired of the trap that this prison works on. We all succumb to the prisoner logic eventually, if we choose to live. Brief fleeting moments of hope. Flickers of soul in the pool of blood. They always say this too shall pass. Shall it? Perhaps it's just a characteristic of the prison itself. Is an ocean really an "ocean" without its waves? At what point does the instability of a system become its defining characteristic? At what point does the brokenness of a soul become the only thing left to define it?

Anyways, if you do choose to go with whatever method you pick, may you find the peace you are after, if such a thing is possible...
I wouldn't be surprised if this is just truly falling from an infinite cliff with no ground. Perhaps this earth, this life is the only little cranny/enclave in the cliff we get to hold onto. Still terrifying, but maybe a little less terrifying than the never ending fall...

i completely understand. i feel completely defined by my brokenness, so i just feel like it's over for me. i am def grieving the life that i lost because of a really stupid choice i made. i know it's not probable, but i am hoping there is an afterlife of some sorts that will provide us all with peace. something that won't feel like a prison. i've been doing some research and do think it's a possibility, even if not logically sound.

What did you do?

i don't want to say, i'm riddled with shame because of it and have some weird ptsd/ocd/something else hybrid where i'm just triggered by everything and feel i'm always trapped (i guess we all are in a sense, but this feels different). all i can say is, if you choose to continue living in this world, honesty is the most important virtue.

 

[darksouls]

best of luck,
I hope everything goes well for you and you find relief from suffering

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering, I wish you the best.