darksouls2kicksass
musician!!!
- Feb 7, 2025
- 37
Hi guys. Haven't been here since the Spring. I had an aborted SN attempt, got sent to the psych ward, graduated with a useless master's degree, moved across the country, and got a normie job. A lot has happened, but also nothing has really changed.
Today I worked my 5th shift at this restaurant and I'm more miserable than I was when I was on antidepressants, going to therapy, and actively plotting my suicide. I broke down crying in the shower 20 minutes ago, and it's been months since I've been able to cry. I still have half of the SN I got from DMC some months ago (50g), and I can't stop fantasizing about finally pulling the proverbial trigger, though that would be shitty to do to my friends/roommates. As much as they can piss me off, they don't deserve to have their rent increase by a third just because I was too much of a pussy to have killed myself in April or whatever.
All the people I work with are really cool and nice; I'm just used to being a terminally unemployed burnout stoner so it's very very difficult for me to adapt to this torturous lifestyle. Something tells me we haven't been evolving for hundreds of millions of years just to work a full time job for your entire life. I don't even know how to properly spend my days off. Jesus fucking Christ I just need to die already. I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't really have friends besides the 2 people I live with. I'm in a huge city and I'm done with school. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I just have to sit here in my own mind until I finally rot and get my eyes eaten by worms.
There exists no escape.
Today I worked my 5th shift at this restaurant and I'm more miserable than I was when I was on antidepressants, going to therapy, and actively plotting my suicide. I broke down crying in the shower 20 minutes ago, and it's been months since I've been able to cry. I still have half of the SN I got from DMC some months ago (50g), and I can't stop fantasizing about finally pulling the proverbial trigger, though that would be shitty to do to my friends/roommates. As much as they can piss me off, they don't deserve to have their rent increase by a third just because I was too much of a pussy to have killed myself in April or whatever.
All the people I work with are really cool and nice; I'm just used to being a terminally unemployed burnout stoner so it's very very difficult for me to adapt to this torturous lifestyle. Something tells me we haven't been evolving for hundreds of millions of years just to work a full time job for your entire life. I don't even know how to properly spend my days off. Jesus fucking Christ I just need to die already. I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't really have friends besides the 2 people I live with. I'm in a huge city and I'm done with school. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I just have to sit here in my own mind until I finally rot and get my eyes eaten by worms.
There exists no escape.
