Venting I’m too traumatize to function now

[angelhopes]

For context: I got S'A and two days after that my bf broke up with me. I feel so lost I dont know what to do anymore. There hasn't been a day where I haven't been crying. I genuinely don't know what to do anymore too. I also told my best friend about it and she kinda just dismissed it. A month after the event that happened she argued with me since I haven't been hanging out cus I shut myself out. I finally explained to her what I am going thru and she completely disregard it then minimize it then she started comparing her problems to mine as if she's trying to one up me. After that she just decided to stopped talking to me even when I apologized.

I genuinely can't even go to any social media apps thats I used when I was with them cause It would just make me relapse. (Sometimes I have to go through those social media and act normal so people wouldn't be too worried only a few people irl knows what im going through). I couldn't even eat anymore all on my own cause eating triggers something in me and makes me realize how lonely I actually am. There are some clothes and items I have to throw away because those are the last clothes I wore when I was with them. I couldn't even manage to go to spotify and listen to all of the musics that I like (except "somewhere over the rainbow") cause it will also just makes me trigger.

My mind still couldn't comprehend why this happened to me. I feel so disposable right now and it makes me feel like I deserve all of this. A lot of people tells me there will be better people that I will meet but right now I really couldn't see it. There are times where I just pray that I wouldn't wake up and I would pass away peacefully in my sleep. It makes me feel like im the problem and once i'm out of this world then everyone would be more happy.

 

[Kokonoe]

i feel this. i have a lot of trauma myself, including SA. both of my long term partners SA'd me through the entire relationship, so 1-2 years straight for each. I've even been somewhat sexually abused by my sister.
i have severe ptsd and did, and got told by my therapist that i will always be in some level of a dissociative state 24/7 for the rest of my life.
eventually it does reach a point where you've experienced so much trauma it's just not realistic to continue to live anymore. recovery just doesn't become an option anymore because it's too much for anyone to work through all of it and maintain the amount of effort and willpower needed to cope with all of it every day. and yet some people just don't understand that. i personally think it's completely unreasonable to expect me to live long term after everything i've been through, and eventually will go through in the future. it never gets easier, it only ever gets harder.

 

[angelhopes]

i feel this. i have a lot of trauma myself, including SA. both of my long term partners SA'd me through the entire relationship, so 1-2 years straight for each. I've even been somewhat sexually abused by my sister.
i have severe ptsd and did, and got told by my therapist that i will always be in some level of a dissociative state 24/7 for the rest of my life.
eventually it does reach a point where you've experienced so much trauma it's just not realistic to continue to live anymore. recovery just doesn't become an option anymore because it's too much for anyone to work through all of it and maintain the amount of effort and willpower needed to cope with all of it every day. and yet some people just don't understand that. i personally think it's completely unreasonable to expect me to live long term after everything i've been through, and eventually will go through in the future. it never gets easier, it only ever gets harder.

Im sorry to hear what you went through I hope you find your peace in the future :(

I genuinely can't talk to a therapist. Well I tried but it will just end up in a panic attack where my throat would close up and I would just end up crying. It's so unfair how im going thru this while those people are probably living normally and peacefully. I was there when they were at their lowest but now that im in this state I have no one :(

I genuinely don't see myself living by the end of this year unless some miracle happens. I started rolling the dice where if It ever lands in 18 ill start preparing for ctb.

 

[SASU-KE]

I'm terribly sorry this happened to you. At times like these, you need someone reliable in a daily life that you can lean on. Can you go to your parents or someone else trustworthy? Someone who will respect your decision no matter what you want to do. Being alone in these times is extremely tough.