Venting It's almost been two years since I properly tried to ctb.

[Average Joe]

I'm just venting, feel free to read or relate I guess

I feel like I'm at a crossroad in my life. I get my exam results late august which determines if I get into uni to do mh nursing. I don't even know if I'm the right person for the job now, I just want to leave this world but I can't leave my family, what do I even do in this situation? i feel so trapped and I cannot cope with this any longer, I feel like I'm gonna end up drinking or taking something and ending up dead in a field. I've been discharged from the community mental health team and it felt like being dumped. i was diagnosed with bpd, given dbt as therapy and then kicked out the door. dbt is good and all and I am grateful believe me, but I just think there's something else missing. the reason I want to die is because of the emotional pain, I feel everything, so so much. even when I feel empty, I feel it completely as it takes over my body. my mood is so low and I cant concentrate.

I've got BPD/EUPD and trauma from sexual assault which makes my head so painful, the only thing that helped me was Zopiclone but I was only prescribed that short term as it's "addictive". even tho i'd rather be addicted to medication than feel this way. I'm already dependant on sertraline so why not add to it?

I don't even know what I'm saying, I'm just tryna put thoughts to paper, or text? I've been dissociating quite a lot and it doesn't even bother me, I've been feeling so low for 10 years. all I hear is "it gets better" but nobody knows when.

was gonna try get zopiclone off the darkweb but there's a lot of fake sites and I don't wanna get scammed or arrested as zopi is illegal in northern Ireland.

thanks for reading my tedx talk :(

 

[andreamysk]

I'm very sorry for your suffering: feeling everything so intensely is really difficult to bear. If I understand correctly by reading the context, you are still relatively young: no one actually knows when it will "get better" but it is possible that your brain and your neuroendocrine system may 'settle down' in a while (at least a little, that enough to not make you want just the CTB). And it's very close to the end of August...

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, existence really is too cruel, I understand feeling trapped here. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[Average Joe]

I'm very sorry for your suffering: feeling everything so intensely is really difficult to bear. If I understand correctly by reading the context, you are still relatively young: no one actually knows when it will "get better" but it is possible that your brain and your neuroendocrine system may 'settle down' in a while (at least a little, that enough to not make you want just the CTB). And it's very close to the end of August...

Thankyou, I'm turning 24 soon. I might wait it out some more before making any decisions

It sounds like you've suffered a lot, existence really is too cruel, I understand feeling trapped here. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

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