Venting Finally did it

[__overlord_00]

I'm just venting about this...please don't over-analyze it.

I finally was able to cut myself...I'm not proud of it. But it's my third day and I'm slowly easing into the thing.
It's sort of soothing to do it but i feel unsettled about how i went from not even being able to place the thing on my skin to slowly making cuts.
They aren't exactly deep but all i wanted was to see myself bleed.
That little sting feels refreshing after every mind-numbing day, which is every day to be honest.
It's barely been days and I feel the urge to cut every hour, every hour is a countdown until midnight, when i cut...

I'm afraid that this is turning into a habit
I'm fine with it being a way to cope, but knowing that I'm slowly gonna get regular with it, because I know i will...it makes me feel very unsettled.

 

[__overlord_00]

I got caught-
Sucks that I need to lay it off for a couple weeks

 

[PanaxMan]

I'm just venting about this...please don't over-analyze it.

I finally was able to cut myself...I'm not proud of it. But it's my third day and I'm slowly easing into the thing.
It's sort of soothing to do it but i feel unsettled about how i went from not even being able to place the thing on my skin to slowly making cuts.
They aren't exactly deep but all i wanted was to see myself bleed.
That little sting feels refreshing after every mind-numbing day, which is every day to be honest.
It's barely been days and I feel the urge to cut every hour, every hour is a countdown until midnight, when i cut...

I'm afraid that this is turning into a habit
I'm fine with it being a way to cope, but knowing that I'm slowly gonna get regular with it, because I know i will...it makes me feel very unsettled.

Should not have done this at all unless it's truly coping thru self harm (which I never recommend)

 

[hahahahhkjsk]

sh is something i can't recommend as a regular coping mechanism. its good that you recognize the possibility of it turning into a regular habit, because if you don't keep it under control, it will. i hope im not being selfish by sharing my own experience, i want you to read it and take what you can from it, i know i can't be the one to fully deter you from doing it, still, i hope it makes you reconsider.
i don't know your personal history with it, but i don't want to come off as condescending like im taking you as someone completely inexperienced; i prefer to talk generally to hopefully get my point across better. and hopefully you can ignore that my thoughts may be disorganized.

i went from being able to confidently go to a waterpark wearing a bikini (nevermind the body image issues) to never being able to wear shorts again for probably the rest of my life, in less than two months. i did it on my thighs.
it got out of control very quick, i spiralled into doing it at least 4 nights a week. i kept pictures of my sessions as a trophy and it shows just how fast it accelerated. from "just a few cuts" to "just a few more again" until i struggled to find skin. and it wont just stay at one body part either.
its a self-devouring cycle. you do it to ease your urges, then you have more urges, so you do it some more, which means more urges, and... youre already in a vicious cycle.
i know how it feels. wanting to get worse, to go deeper because you might feel like your current ones aren't good enough, but i tell you, even if you do go deeper you will still want it to be worse. the same with eds, even if you reach that ideal, you still won't be happy with it, you will still want to go deeper into the abyss.
it felt like my urges consumed me alive. it was the only thing i could think about. the next time i do it. how im gonna do it. the same way an addict thinks about the next hit, the next high, because it is an addiction and it will take everything from you. i also spent a fuckton of money on bandages. geniune insanity.
if you manage to get out of it, you will be left with permanent scars, insecurity, guilt and shame. nevermind the social reactions to it, 0/10 can't recommend.

that was 4 years ago. exactly 4 years ago. ended nastily with a half-assed attempt on my arm.
my scars healed, they all match my skin tone but they are still visible because... they are scars. even then, they are there, as clear as day.
i still battle with urges, i still think about doing something extreme to myself, i still think about relapsing. its a constant battle. im lucky if i can stay clean for a few months at this point.
theres also the danger of infections, improper healing... you might end up with permanent nerve damage which i assume you obviously don't want.

id equate sh being a coping mechanism as picking up a hammer and going apeshit in your room. sure, you will feel satisfied that you let it out, but when you come down from that high, what are you left with? damage. damage that you might never be able to undo. whatever you gamble into this, you lose thrice as much.

 

[hereandthere13]

I'm just venting about this...please don't over-analyze it.

I finally was able to cut myself...I'm not proud of it. But it's my third day and I'm slowly easing into the thing.
It's sort of soothing to do it but i feel unsettled about how i went from not even being able to place the thing on my skin to slowly making cuts.
They aren't exactly deep but all i wanted was to see myself bleed.
That little sting feels refreshing after every mind-numbing day, which is every day to be honest.
It's barely been days and I feel the urge to cut every hour, every hour is a countdown until midnight, when i cut...

I'm afraid that this is turning into a habit
I'm fine with it being a way to cope, but knowing that I'm slowly gonna get regular with it, because I know i will...it makes me feel very unsettled.

i don't stuggle with cutting, but from what i've heard once you start it feels impossible to stop.