It’ll be over soon and I’m oddly calm about it (this is NOT a goodbye post)

[Egddios]

This past September, after being released from inpatient ECT, there were days I'd stay in bed, getting up only to use the bathroom and maybe grab a ginger ale. I wasn't showering much, barely eating. I stopped taking all of my meds completely and didn't really experience any side effects/withdrawal. I knew things were winding down for me, and I'd been planning on ending my life in early November.

In a painful twist, my mother passed away on the Saturday of the weekend I'd been planning to end my own life. We had a tumultuous relationship and had been estranged for about 2 years. I felt gutted, hearing how she had died alone, of complications of pneumonia. I felt a happiness or relief she's no longer suffering. I miss her.

December and January felt like a blur of pain. Nightmares, panic attacks, crying and gasping for breath. "Just get to March" I'd think to myself.

I'm on SSI and receive Medicaid automatically, and had a review of my case done at the end of January. I'd been dreading the results, preparing for the worst and here it is: my medicaid will be void on 2/29. I haven't received a letter from Social Security yet, but I'm sure it's on the way.

I can appeal the decisions and I'll be seeing my caseworker on Monday. I'm glad I ordered SN and have it here for when the time comes. I couldn't get a script for Meto so I'm planning a generous dose of Zofran.

This is NOT goodbye. When the time comes, I'll leave with the love and support, and the understanding of this community. Thank you all for your empathy, openness and for not judging each other (or me). This place is one of a kind and has, some might say ironically , given me comfort, and hope. You've been with me in the depths of despair and didn't turn me away. May this site continue on, and may the time come when the right to die is widely viewed as a fundamental human right.

I'll update you soon.

With love and appreciation, E

 

[SpaceForGrace]

I hope this acceptance brings you the calm and strength that will carry you through the resolution, whatever that may be.

 

[Grandexit]

Im so sorry for your multiple crushing losses. Today's world seems more like one of those horror films where the character gets tortured to death, rather than a series of events that are good and bad but provide a reason to keep pushing on.

 

[Pan]

Since my wife's death on dec. '18, i did'nt realize how ill-prepared I was for death. Since the, got will, even my little dog is covered. He cannot survive w/out me...he is a xoloitzcuintli. They are one person dogs in that respect, and are VERY dependent on their owners. He deserves the rest I will gain in death.

 

[catpissmartini]

Since my wife's death on dec. '18, i did'nt realize how ill-prepared I was for death. Since the, got will, even my little dog is covered. He cannot survive w/out me...he is a xoloitzcuintli. They are one person dogs in that respect, and are VERY dependent on their owners. He deserves the rest I will gain in death.

Wait, I'm not sure I understand. What's your plan for him?

 

[TAW122]

I'm glad that you are able to find peace and solace on this platform as well as support. I have as well and this site as well as many other members on here have been kind and supportive. I hope that when the day comes for you (in the future) that you will be able to leave as peacefully and reliably as possible.

 

[voyager]

Heya, am sorry about your situation, Egddios. I think those who run our societies are shit tbh. They refuse us humane ctb because life is supposedly oh so precious and then drive people into catastrophic situations with wageslaving, financial ruin, homelessness, withheld benefits/health care and so forth. What a bunch of hypocrites and assholes. I hope your appeal comes through.

Mind you, this is a good opportunity to tell you how much I loved your post in the incompetent thread, it's exactly how I feel and what has become of me. Funny thing is you wrote it so eloquently and concise that from an outsider perspective no one would ever think you have those problems, but I'm sure they're very real.

No goodbye for now, but when the time comes I wish you well, some peace of mind and a smooth transition.

 

[Egddios]

Heya, am sorry about your situation, Egddios. I think those who run our societies are shit tbh. They refuse us humane ctb because life is supposedly oh so precious and then drive people into catastrophic situations with wageslaving, financial ruin, homelessness, withheld benefits/health care and so forth. What a bunch of hypocrites and assholes. I hope your appeal comes through.

Mind you, this is a good opportunity to tell you how much I loved your post in the incompetent thread, it's exactly how I feel and what has become of me. Funny thing is you wrote it so eloquently and concise that from an outsider perspective no one would ever think you have those problems, but I'm sure they're very real.

No goodbye for now, but when the time comes I wish you well, some peace of mind and a smooth transition.

Aww, sending you a hug and laughter re: the incompetent thread. Ay. Thank you for this message

This afternoon I received the SSI letter I was expecting and yes, they've determined I'll no longer receive the monthly $522, starting in March. In fact, they wrote "we're reducing your current SSI payment from $522 to $0". Oh, ok - excellent! Have to laugh at the absurdity sometimes. I'm maintaining the calm though, which is kind of surprising to me as I have significant anxiety and panic issues. I'm exhausted to fight this, though I will be appealing and seeing my case worker on Monday. I spoke with her earlier today and asked her, "Do you think I'm going to make it?" and she said "Yes. We're going to figure this out."

I plan to ask for an in-person appeal, or a conference appeal. Even if I'm rejected, I look at as a way to not only talk about my own situation, but to shed some light on just how much of a death sentence it is, to strip people of their medical care and financial assistance when they're at their most vulnerable. I also want to discuss the mistreatment of patients with mental health issues, etc. I may go all Erin Brokovich on their asses (ha).

I told my partner last night what the situation is and as cliché as it sounds, I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes 20 min increments at a time. Grateful for marijuana which has been and continues to be a great help in so many ways.

 

[Pan]

Wait, I'm not sure I understand. What's your plan for him?

I plan on him having euthanized; a very dependent one person breed(xoloitzcuintli) he goes with me as stipulated in my will..he is my old man, white wishes and sll.

 

[voyager]

Aww, sending you a hug and laughter re: the incompetent thread. Ay. Thank you for this message ❤

This afternoon I received the SSI letter I was expecting and yes, they've determined I'll no longer receive the monthly $522, starting in March. In fact, they wrote "we're reducing your current SSI payment from $522 to $0". Oh, ok - excellent! Have to laugh at the absurdity sometimes. I'm maintaining the calm though, which is kind of surprising to me as I have significant anxiety and panic issues. I'm exhausted to fight this, though I will be appealing and seeing my case worker on Monday. I spoke with her earlier today and asked her, "Do you think I'm going to make it?" and she said "Yes. We're going to figure this out."

I plan to ask for an in-person appeal, or a conference appeal. Even if I'm rejected, I look at as a way to not only talk about my own situation, but to shed some light on just how much of a death sentence it is, to strip people of their medical care and financial assistance when they're at their most vulnerable. I also want to discuss the mistreatment of patients with mental health issues, etc. I may go all Erin Brokovich on their asses (ha).

I told my partner last night what the situation is and as cliché as it sounds, I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes 20 min increments at a time. Grateful for marijuana which has been and continues to be a great help in so many ways.

I feel you, am in the same situation. Benefits, and every once in a while they evaluate me. Have no idea how they think one is supposed to survive on zero bucks. Maybe that's their idea of sanctioned suicide, I dunno. They're well aware of the fact that we can't work and I also believe they're know how little energy and fight we have left, which is why they complicate the process as much as they can to discourage people from applying for it. Same as you I'm dead if I lose my health insurance, literally due to necessary medications. Doesn't bother me personally, but there's millions of people out there who would. It's just sick. So, don't let em get you down and good luck with the appeal.

I plan on him having euthanized; a very dependent one person breed(xoloitzcuintli) he goes with me as stipulated in my will..he is my old man, white wishes and sll.

I think that's a bit rough, and you might want to hang in there for him, especially if you're certain you can't get him to bond with someone else. How old is he exactly?

 

[Egddios]

I feel you, am in the same situation. Benefits, and every once in a while they evaluate me. Have no idea how they think one is supposed to survive on zero bucks. Maybe that's their idea of sanctioned suicide, I dunno. They're well aware of the fact that we can't work and I also believe they're know how little energy and fight we have left, which is why they complicate the process as much as they can to discourage people from applying for it. Same as you I'm dead if I lose my health insurance, literally due to necessary medications. Doesn't bother me personally, but there's millions of people out there who would. It's just sick. So, don't let em get you down and good luck with the appeal.

You really nailed it: "They're well aware of the fact that we can't work and I also believe they know how little energy and fight we have left, which is why they complicate the process..."

I think this, too. It's quite twisted really, and it's hard to accept this is the reality of the situation. I wouldn't be surprised if after my appeal (in person), I'm told I need to be hospitalized. But then, I won't have healthcare so...

What a system.

 

[Mm80]

Ill be very sad to see you leave and will miss you. All of your posts are thoughtful and insightful. Cant financially support you sadly but always here until when/if the time comes. X

 

[Egddios]

Ill be very sad to see you leave and will miss you. All of your posts are thoughtful and insightful. Cant financially support you sadly but always here until when/if the time comes. X

Sending you a big hug. Truly.

As my time approaches, I find it comforting to imagine once I'm gone, not having an afterlife as most think of one. Rather, after I'm cremated, I like to think my ashes will be bits of the universe, dust of the stars, and no matter how dull or bright my light may be, part of me will be shining for all of you at your darkest.

Probably why I enjoy looking up at the stars when I'm able. Those lights in the darkness...(ugh, choked up now).

 

[voyager]

You really nailed it: "They're well aware of the fact that we can't work and I also believe they know how little energy and fight we have left, which is why they complicate the process..."

I think this, too. It's quite twisted really, and it's hard to accept this is the reality of the situation. I wouldn't be surprised if after my appeal (in person), I'm told I need to be hospitalized. But then, I won't have healthcare so...

What a system.

Yeah, and they'd probably make you pay for that, too. It's a complete mess. To be fair, I've been somewhat lucky with my case workers. Especially my last one, she's been very kind. But when I originally applied for benefits they took me for a complete ride, quite literally, sending me across town to get several confirmations which they could've easily passed within the system itself. As if they didn't know they weren't paying me a jobseeker's allowance for instance. Thirteen filled out pages, bank, doctor's, medical insurance records and confirmations later they told me to reapply at another branch, because they didn't feel responsible, who then of course sent me back because my disability hadn't been confirmed yet. Argh. Then my application was turned down because I apparently had missed the deadline, one they never told me about and actually asked me to make a fresh application. Sure. Made an appeal though and was finally accepted after about seven months total. Only took another three years to get medical insurance and that was even worse, so yeah, either we're not the one's who are incompetent or this is pretty deliberate.

 

[Quarky00]

Even if I'm rejected, I look at as a way to not only talk about my own situation, but to shed some light on just how much of a death sentence it is, to strip people of their medical care and financial assistance when they're at their most vulnerable. I also want to discuss the mistreatment of patients with mental health issues, etc.

Please do that It's tough as it is , we hardly have the energy to fight , so especially when a person is at the end of the road , and when disasters are 'aligned' in your path in such a cruel manner . I had similar experience of utter calmness , "that's it" , nothing matters anymore

 

[Egddios]

Yeah, and they'd probably make you pay for that, too. It's a complete mess. To be fair, I've been somewhat lucky with my case workers. Especially my last one, she's been very kind. But when I originally applied for benefits they took me for a complete ride, quite literally, sending me across town to get several confirmations which they could've easily passed within the system itself. As if they didn't know they weren't paying me a jobseeker's allowance for instance. Thirteen filled out pages, bank, doctor's, medical insurance records and confirmations later they told me to reapply at another branch, because they didn't feel responsible, who then of course sent me back because my disability hadn't been confirmed yet. Argh. Then my application was turned down because I apparently had missed the deadline, one they never told me about and actually asked me to make a fresh application. Sure. Made an appeal though and was finally accepted after about seven months total. Only took another three years to get medical insurance and that was even worse, so yeah, either we're not the one's who are incompetent or this is pretty deliberate.

Appeal accepted after 7 months, and then another 3 years till you were able to get medical insurance. Wow.

I'm appealing despite knowing I have until the end of March, because what IS this BS? I was deemed disabled by SS, and because my ex husband was financially helping me afford this apartment, I've had my SSI and medicaid taken away. So they want me to live...in a shelter? On the street? I'm not "above" these options btw, it's more of a "I don't want to be raped or assaulted again" fear. Enough already, you know? And I don't say that as "poor me". I'm fucking exhausted.

As my time dwindles, I think of the appeals process as my last time to stand up for myself, for others in similar situation, and to call out the total incompetence of the health care system, as well as this seemingly deliberate effort to cause vulnerable people to end their lives rather than languish in poverty. If they're going to do this to us, why deny us the right to end our lives peacefully?

Edited to add: In the letter I received from SS, they alluded to the fact they'll be sending me an additional letter explaining how I owe them backpay, for having the audacity to escape an abusive living environment and attempt to recover.

Please do that It's tough as it is , we hardly have the energy to fight , so especially when a person is at the end of the road , and when disasters are 'aligned' in your path in such a cruel manner . I had similar experience of utter calmness , "that's it" , nothing matters anymore

Yes, the calmness...the finality. Slowing to a stop.

I'm not a religious person, BUT... I do feel lately this is now in God's hands, so to speak. I know I tried desperately and fiercely to not only free myself from abuse, but to hold onto hope, though it all, and advocate for myself and others.

 

[catpissmartini]

I plan on him having euthanized; a very dependent one person breed(xoloitzcuintli) he goes with me as stipulated in my will..he is my old man, white wishes and sll.

It seems like your mind is made up but please consider sparing him. I'm sure he'll have a hard time being rehomed at first, but his time will come naturally.

 

[Quarky00]

In God's hands . But , on the other hand , since youre leaving , you can do whatever you want to ;) Freedom

 

[Mm80]

Sending you a big hug. Truly.

As my time approaches, I find it comforting to imagine once I'm gone, not having an afterlife as most think of one. Rather, after I'm cremated, I like to think my ashes will be bits of the universe, dust of the stars, and no matter how dull or bright my light may be, part of me will be shining for all of you at your darkest.

Probably why I enjoy looking up at the stars when I'm able. Those lights in the darkness...(ugh, choked up now).

❤

Thats a beautiful way of putting it. I think the best part of all of this is as someone who has suffered extreme anxiety, you feel calm about your destiny. You deserve that. So many on here have suffered so much throughout life through no fault of their own yet stay compassionate and kind. In a strange way it almost feel like the wrong people are leaving us too soon. But thats whats bittersweet about this community x

 

[Pan]

It seems like your mind is made up but please consider sparing him. I'm sure he'll have a hard time being rehomed at first, but his time will come naturally.
[/QUO

I feel you, am in the same situation. Benefits, and every once in a while they evaluate me. Have no idea how they think one is supposed to survive on zero bucks. Maybe that's their idea of sanctioned suicide, I dunno. They're well aware of the fact that we can't work and I also believe they're know how little energy and fight we have left, which is why they complicate the process as much as they can to discourage people from applying for it. Same as you I'm dead if I lose my health insurance, literally due to necessary medications. Doesn't bother me personally, but there's millions of people out there who would. It's just sick. So, don't let em get you down and good luck with the appeal.



I think that's a bit rough, and you might want to hang in there for him, especially if you're certain you can't get him to bond with someone else. How old is he exactly?

Over ten years. I know if given a choice, he would want to join me. Revered by the Aztecs and maya as living gods, it was believed that the xoloitzcuintli should accompany its master into the great beyond. The name comes from the aztecan, meaning "dog of xolotl", the supreme Aztec /Mayan god. He truly is the only reason I am hanging around. No, am sorry; he will be coming with me.

 

[Pan]

This past September, after being released from inpatient ECT, there were days I'd stay in bed, getting up only to use the bathroom and maybe grab a ginger ale. I wasn't showering much, barely eating. I stopped taking all of my meds completely and didn't really experience any side effects/withdrawal. I knew things were winding down for me, and I'd been planning on ending my life in early November.

In a painful twist, my mother passed away on the Saturday of the weekend I'd been planning to end my own life. We had a tumultuous relationship and had been estranged for about 2 years. I felt gutted, hearing how she had died alone, of complications of pneumonia. I felt a happiness or relief she's no longer suffering. I miss her.

December and January felt like a blur of pain. Nightmares, panic attacks, crying and gasping for breath. "Just get to March" I'd think to myself.

I'm on SSI and receive Medicaid automatically, and had a review of my case done at the end of January. I'd been dreading the results, preparing for the worst and here it is: my medicaid will be void on 2/29. I haven't received a letter from Social Security yet, but I'm sure it's on the way.

I can appeal the decisions and I'll be seeing my caseworker on Monday. I'm glad I ordered SN and have it here for when the time comes. I couldn't get a script for Meto so I'm planning a generous dose of Zofran.

This is NOT goodbye. When the time comes, I'll leave with the love and support, and the understanding of this community. Thank you all for your empathy, openness and for not judging each other (or me). This place is one of a kind and has, some might say ironically , given me comfort, and hope. You've been with me in the depths of despair and didn't turn me away. May this site continue on, and may the time come when the right to die is widely viewed as a fundamental human right.

I'll update you soon.

With love and appreciation, E

You are part of a big family who loves you dearly, e. -don't ever forget that. Although I don't know you, I know that I LOVE YOU.

Aww, sending you a hug and laughter re: the incompetent thread. Ay. Thank you for this message ❤

This afternoon I received the SSI letter I was expecting and yes, they've determined I'll no longer receive the monthly $522, starting in March. In fact, they wrote "we're reducing your current SSI payment from $522 to $0". Oh, ok - excellent! Have to laugh at the absurdity sometimes. I'm maintaining the calm though, which is kind of surprising to me as I have significant anxiety and panic issues. I'm exhausted to fight this, though I will be appealing and seeing my case worker on Monday. I spoke with her earlier today and asked her, "Do you think I'm going to make it?" and she said "Yes. We're going to figure this out."

I plan to ask for an in-person appeal, or a conference appeal. Even if I'm rejected, I look at as a way to not only talk about my own situation, but to shed some light on just how much of a death sentence it is, to strip people of their medical care and financial assistance when they're at their most vulnerable. I also want to discuss the mistreatment of patients with mental health issues, etc. I may go all Erin Brokovich on their asses (ha).

I told my partner last night what the situation is and as cliché as it sounds, I'm taking it one day at a time, sometimes 20 min increments at a time. Grateful for marijuana which has been and continues to be a great help in so many ways.

Thumbs up to the holy weed!!

 

[voyager]

Please do that It's tough as it is , we hardly have the energy to fight , so especially when a person is at the end of the road , and when disasters are 'aligned' in your path in such a cruel manner . I had similar experience of utter calmness , "that's it" , nothing matters anymore

Appeal accepted after 7 months, and then another 3 years till you were able to get medical insurance. Wow.

I'm appealing despite knowing I have until the end of March, because what IS this BS? I was deemed disabled by SS, and because my ex husband was financially helping me afford this apartment, I've had my SSI and medicaid taken away. So they want me to live...in a shelter? On the street? I'm not "above" these options btw, it's more of a "I don't want to be raped or assaulted again" fear. Enough already, you know? And I don't say that as "poor me". I'm fucking exhausted.

As my time dwindles, I think of the appeals process as my last time to stand up for myself, for others in similar situation, and to call out the total incompetence of the health care system, as well as this seemingly deliberate effort to cause vulnerable people to end their lives rather than languish in poverty. If they're going to do this to us, why deny us the right to end our lives peacefully?

Edited to add: In the letter I received from SS, they alluded to the fact they'll be sending me an additional letter explaining how I owe them backpay, for having the audacity to escape an abusive living environment and attempt to recover.

Yeah, sounds way too familiar and perfectly understandable with that looming over your head. Mind you this thing with homelessness is way too common on this forum. I was kidding before about sanctioned suicide, but quite honestly they are driving people into it with this crap. So, yeah, don't get it either, only a hypocrite wouldn't put us down while they're at it. Feel you on the exhaustive part, too. Have seen worse than the current, but if something more serious comes up I quit. It isn't even impulsive or high drama, more of a nudge really. Just tired and missing the point.

Would love to see you to make a stand btw. They probably know what they're doing, but just don't give a shit. Doesn't matter though, tell them anyway, and maybe the one presiding over the hearing will listen for a change. Hope so. One good thing though, the appeal itself only took about two weeks, the whole application process with back and forth went about seven months.

As for the health insurance story, it's privatised here and the insurer actually demanded two years back payments before my benefits application date, so basically for a time I had no income and insurance to take advantage of. No joke, you simply can't make this up. Funny thing is SS then began making the contributions, while my HI flat out refused to hand me my insurance card and ignored all letters. Told SS ofc, who didn't care, because to them the matter was settled with the funneled payments. Dragged on for another three years because I wasn't vehement enough lacking the energy and ultimately got some online legal advice who told me this was common practice by HI operators to cash in with long term uninsured and that I'd have to address the department of health directly on the issue so they'd intervene on my behalf and put pressure on the HI. So, that's what happened. There's more and I hate my insurer, but suffice to say if I wasn't such a coward I'd deliberately hurt myself to ramp up costs for them.

 

[Egddios]

Yeah, sounds way too familiar and perfectly understandable with that looming over your head. Mind you this thing with homelessness is way too common on this forum. I was kidding before about sanctioned suicide, but quite honestly they are driving people into it with this crap. So, yeah, don't get it either, only a hypocrite wouldn't put us down while they're at it. Feel you on the exhaustive part, too. Have seen worse than the current, but if something more serious comes up I quit. It isn't even impulsive or high drama, more of a nudge really. Just tired and missing the point.

Would love to see you to make a stand btw. They probably know what they're doing, but just don't give a shit. Doesn't matter though, tell them anyway, and maybe the one presiding over the hearing will listen for a change. Hope so. One good thing though, the appeal itself only took about two weeks, the whole application process with back and forth went about seven months.

As for the health insurance story, it's privatised here and the insurer actually demanded two years back payments before my benefits application date, so basically for a time I had no income and insurance to take advantage of. No joke, you simply can't make this up. Funny thing is SS then began making the contributions, while my HI flat out refused to hand me my insurance card and ignored all letters. Told SS ofc, who didn't care, because to them the matter was settled with the funneled payments. Dragged on for another three years because I wasn't vehement enough lacking the energy and ultimately got some online legal advice who told me this was common practice by HI operators to cash in with long term uninsured and that I'd have to address the department of health directly on the issue so they'd intervene on my behalf and put pressure on the HI. So, that's what happened. There's more and I hate my insurer, but suffice to say if I wasn't such a coward I'd deliberately hurt myself to ramp up costs for them.

Voyager, I have to tell you, I would so love to sit and have a cup of coffee with you now.

In fact, everyone commenting here in this thread or simply stopping by to read, I'm touched and I do not feel alone.

You are part of a big family who loves you dearly, e. -don't ever forget that. Although I don't know you, I know that I LOVE YOU.

Thumbs up to the holy weed!!

Ay, I'm crying over here. Thank you

I'll blaze one in your honor a little later :)

 

[one4all]

You definitely are not alone.
I do wish you the best in your endeavors.

 

[Egddios]

My fish, Mr. G (a combo of Gill from 'What About Bob' and Mr. G from 'Summer Heights High') has passed away. Little guy has kept me company for a year in this apartment. I'd been thinking with sadness of who would take care of him after I'm gone. But, he's passed.

I miss seeing him when I'd wake up, feeding him when I took my morning meds. I had just cleaned out his tank, too. He was zooming around the tank, even doing little 'dolphin jumps'. I'm happy he's free now.

RIP good friend

 

[Quarky00]

 

[voyager]

You definitely are not alone.
I do wish you the best in your endeavors.

Mhm. My mom knows about this place, she hates it, says we drag each other down. To me it's the opposite, am so glad we can relate and have each other.

 

[Egddios]

 

[one4all]

Mhm. My mom knows about this place, she hates it, says we drag each other down. To me it's the opposite, am so glad we can relate and have each other.

At least you have someone to relate to and might have support. To me this is a good thing. Even you both agree on somethings, thats a start Some of use might not be so fortunate.

Best wishes to you in life

 

[AlreadyGone]

I wish you luck. Glad you are at peace with your decision.