It’ll be over soon and I’m oddly calm about it (this is NOT a goodbye post)

[Egddios]

I wish you luck. Glad you are at peace with your decision.

Thank you

One of my favorite episodes of the Simpsons is when they see a theater production of Planet of the Apes.

"What's wrong with me?!"

"I think you're crazy."

"I want a second opinion!"

"You're also lazy."

Cracks me up every time.

 

[voyager]

Thank you ❤

One of my favorite episodes of the Simpsons is when they see a theater production of Planet of the Apes.

"What's wrong with me?!"

"I think you're crazy."

"I want a second opinion!"

"You're also lazy."

Cracks me up every time.

Haha, the Simpsons were pretty cool, also love the Planet of the Apes (originals ofc). Wouldn't mind living in a world like that. Riding through the wasteland, the vastness and solitude, a good woman by my side, fighting crazed mutants and power hungry apes. Sounds fun.

At least you have someone to relate to and might have support. To me this is a good thing. Even you both agree on somethings, thats a start Some of use might not be so fortunate.

Best wishes to you in life

I understand, but unfortunately it's not like that. In life it's no doubt a blessing, something to be grateful for, but when you're done and good to go it ends up making things a lot harder. I know that sounds horrible, but when that person fights you all the way on a purely emotional and non rational pov it just prolongs the misery of a hopeless situation. Most of us have a common goal, but probably quite different problems and unfortunately we can't exchange our blessings to fix each other's issues. Meant to second your comment addressed at Egddios, but if that is one of your issues then I hope you find someone and all the best to you.

 

[Egddios]

I've decided to cease taking my meds.

Saw my caseworker today, she took me to Social Security and I didn't get anywhere in terms of a clear answer. On the drive to the office, I was quiet. It's been such a rainy day.

Anyway, told my CW I'm no longer taking my meds and she started to say how stopping them at once is dangerous. I reminded her of September 2019, when I had ceased taking my meds for a month after coming back from ECT, and she didn't have much to say.

I'll have a decent stockpile of Klonopin for March, which gives me comfort.

 

[Mm80]

I've decided to cease taking my meds.

Saw my caseworker today, she took me to Social Security and I didn't get anywhere in terms of a clear answer. On the drive to the office, I was quiet. It's been such a rainy day.

Anyway, told my CW I'm no longer taking my meds and she started to say how stopping them at once is dangerous. I reminded her of September 2019, when I had ceased taking my meds for a month after coming back from ECT, and she didn't have much to say.

I'll have a decent stockpile of Klonopin for March, which gives me comfort.

Might be a silly question bur may i ask why you are ceasing your meds? I will be ceasing mine as i think they enhance SI.

 

[Egddios]

Might be a silly question bur may i ask why you are ceasing your meds? I will be ceasing mine as i think they enhance SI.

Well, it comes down to knowing I'll be out of meds when March comes and the Medicaid ends. If I continue taking my meds as prescribed, I won't have anything for March. Mainly thinking of the Prazosin and Klonopin, which help a lot. I want those on hand at the end. I'll be going in March.

I'm also prescribed Omeprazole and I'm saving what I've got left of that, too.

I do have one last primary care appt before the healthcare stops, and was thinking of asking her (primary care) to help me out by writing me scripts for my psych meds before the month is over. But, that's unlikely. Unless she was in communication with my psychiatrist.

 

[Mm80]

Im sorry im in the uk and not sure how it works there , so its financial reasons ?

 

[voyager]

I'm sorry they're backing you into a corner, Egddios. *hugs*

 

[Egddios]

Im sorry im in the uk and not sure how it works there , so its financial reasons ?

Hello to you in the UK.

Medicaid paid for my medications, hospitalizations, etc. Since it'll be stopping at the end of this month, I'd rather save what meds I have for next month when I CTB.

I don't know how much the meds I take cost without Medicaid but I assume they're expensive. Yes, you could say I'm ceasing and saving my meds for financial reasons.

I'm sorry they're backing you into a corner, Egddios. *hugs*

Hugs right back @voyager

 

[Mm80]

Hello to you in the UK.

Medicaid paid for my medications, hospitalizations, etc. Since it'll be stopping at the end of this month, I'd rather save what meds I have for next month when I CTB.

I don't know how much the meds I take cost without Medicaid but I assume they're expensive. Yes, you could say I'm ceasing and saving my meds for financial reasons.


View attachment 27039

Hugs right back @voyager

That makes me so sad. Is there no hope for any more help then? Surely they wont leave an ill person without affordable meds? , Its almost like you are being priced out of a life and that is awful x

 

[Egddios]

That makes me so sad. Is there no hope for any more help then? Surely they wont leave an ill person without affordable meds? , Its almost like you are being priced out of a life and that is awful x

It saddens me, too. I know I'm not alone in being "priced out". I can't share this news of loss of coverage with my father, it would lead to ridicule and blame on me, shame on me, etc. He has an extremely difficult time understanding brain injuries, and a tendency to belittle me. If I told him my coverage was ending, he'd go full rage mode and no, I'm not putting myself through that now. It's been enough already. Just trying to play it cool (ha) and get through February.


A hug for you.

 

[voyager]

Clueless as ever. What exactly do the meds do and what could happen when you stop taking them so sudden? Thought about buying meds privately too for same reason, was indeed expensive. No harm though in checking it out in case you need them. Sorry you're not getting more support from your dad. Not sure if he'd want you to go under, but I see your point.

Love the gif btw, too cute and good times.

 

[Egddios]

Clueless as ever. What exactly do the meds do and what could happen when you stop taking them so sudden? Thought about buying meds privately too for same reason, was indeed expensive. No harm though in checking it out in case you need them. Sorry you're not getting more support from your dad. Not sure if he'd want you to go under, but I see your point.

Love the gif btw, too cute and good times.
View attachment 27077

"Not sure he'd want you to go under" - this is true, I've thought of this. I also dread the thought of living with him again, thinking of it puts my stomach in knots. The walking on egg shells, slamming doors, being locked in the house (when I lived with him, he made the door lock from the inside with a key, so if I wanted to step out, I needed the key). He can't handle not being in control.

Anyhow, I'm prescribed:

Prozac, Prazosin, Amitriptyline, Klonopin, Sumatriptan, Omeprazole, Trazadone

I'm saving the Klonopin, Prazosin and Omeprazole to have on hand for March. I have a ton of Prozac so I don't need to stop taking it, I could continue the Prozac into March.

In the meantime, I'm smoking whatever weed I have left and using Diphenhydramine for sleep. Also trying to add Magnesium to whatever I'm drinking, supposedly it has a calming effect.

Was thinking of maybe using that GoodRX app and seeing how much the meds would be then, and if the pharmacy I go to allows coupons. Part of me wants to tell my brother and/or sister what's going on, but I don't want to be a hinderance. I even considered checking myself in before the end of February, but it seems overwhelming and again, I don't want to end up at my fathers after all.

Do I feel trapped? Yes.

 

[voyager]

Yeah, sounds like the last thing you need and would probably make you feel a lot worse in the current situation. Otoh considering your situation maybe it would be better to seek help. Dunno about you, but when I think about dying I want to have as much options available to me as possible. A true free choice, not whipped out of life like a dog with the world hounding me. Easier said than done ofc, but considering there still is your brother and sister maybe you should turn to them. Of course I don't know your relationship, but considering what you wrote I'll assume they'd much rather help you than see you kill yourself. You're not a hindrance. In fact you seem rather pleasant, even if you have enough meds to run your own pharmacy. No, really, doesn't sound like you're completely willing to go, so maybe take a chance? Also checking in, have you done that before?

 

[Egddios]

Yeah, sounds like the last thing you need and would probably make you feel a lot worse in the current situation. Otoh considering your situation maybe it would be better to seek help. Dunno about you, but when I think about dying I want to have as much options available to me as possible. A true free choice, not whipped out of life like a dog with the world hounding me. Easier said than done ofc, but considering there still is your brother and sister maybe you should turn to them. Of course I don't know your relationship, but considering what you wrote I'll assume they'd much rather help you than see you kill yourself. You're not a hindrance. In fact you seem rather pleasant, even if you have enough meds to run your own pharmacy. No, really, doesn't sound like you're completely willing to go, so maybe take a chance? Also checking in, have you done that before?

I really appreciate the messages here, thank you - this is a tough situation. It helps to have feedback and support

I have checked myself in before, yes. I've gone voluntarily all but once, when I was taken against my will to the ER by "friends".

I'm supposed to see the nurse on Friday and was considering laying it on the line. I'm also supposed to see my father on Sunday, as he helps me with my laundry. We're able to have some kind of relationship when we aren't living together. I wasn't thinking of speaking with him about my situation then, but rather group texting my brother and sister and seeing if they're supportive and/or encouraging.

Maybe I'm experiencing the fleeting feelings of "I can get through this, or maybe I can make it?". Maybe this is survival instinct ringing the last bells of alarm. I want so badly to "sleep forever", not hurt anymore, not be able to be hurt by anyone anymore. I'm tired, @voyager

I wish I could live in an animal sanctuary and help out as part of my "keep". That's a day dream.

 

[voyager]

Maybe give it a shot, the worst he can do is be a dick about it and then you haven't really lost anything by it. Maybe contact your brother and sister first if you'd rather take their help. The ward otoh is a toughy. It's something I have my reservations about because I'm scared shitless of being detained, but I've seen two (not as a patient) and they weren't all bad. You'd have free meds I presume and considering you've done it before, but really it's something only you'll know how comfortable you are with. Also, how much time would it buy you, where would it lead and for what purpose?

Because it could be si, but might be limbo too, right. Maybe there is still something holding you here. Do you take joy out of things? Do you have needs? Reasonable hope? Problem is I've still got some months time, I dunno if this is tricking me or if I really have no more wants or si, because I kinda feel the latter. Almost don't care at all. So, I'm probably lousy support on this matter. And yet I sometimes think of maybe not giving in completely to this mindset. Maybe we owe it to our former selves to do something we wanted before or still do. And an animal shelter sounds lovely. Problem is of course they're usually underfunded, but there's something drawing you there. Maybe that's something to build on. Always thought about my own self-sustaining farm. Maybe a day dream too, but it does comfort me. Because of what you wrote in the incompetent thread (yes, I'll never get over that one <3), really just avoiding the things that make one miserable, you know? The things that hurt. Mind you, do you really think someone will hurt you again or is it more a precaution because of past experiences? Because you'll always have the means to leave anytime you want. Maybe buy yourself some time first if you can, just to make sure you're done. Am always there for you.

 

[voyager]

Replying to my own post, pathetic. Thing is I came back here last night thinking of deleting the previous post. It's not that I don't mean what I said, I do, to an extent, but I feel it doesn't do you justice. I keep thinking about what you wrote. In your opening post you said you wanted to do it last year, but then your mother passed, now you're saying March. But is it the situation pushing you into this or are you comfortable with the decision? Mind you, is there some significance to March apart from the money running out? Don't have to share of course if there is, just wondering because you mentioned it in the opening post and several times that you just needed to get through till March, so before you supposedly knew they'd cut you off. Which is why I'm wondering. You said you're trapped, and in a way that sounds like doubt. Thing is they're pushing you into an impossible situation, and I don't like the thought of you doing it under those circumstances. But then I think about hurt and tiredness. Animal shelters and self-sustaining farms are cute, and I have had more of those thoughts over the years, but it seems the more outlandish they are the more comfort I take in them. Riding around the wasteland sounds fine, but it means nuclear war and talking monkeys. So, how realistic is any of that? Is it an analogy for a peace we can't obtain? You said it in so many words. Everyone's si/limbo is different and I don't know if that is your's. Only you will know if you're truly done with this world or if there's more you want to do, and can. My si and limbo is practically non-existent. I have no more hope. No reasonable one at least. I know life can be a lot of fun, but the reality is my situation is a mess, and the anhedonia and numbness is killing me. It's gotten so bad that I've been thinking about buying myself a wingsuit and jumping off a cliff just to see if I can feel any sort of pleasure anymore. Feel something. It's really one of those things I'd still like to do, but under normal circumstances it takes hundreds of hours of training and a lot of money to be able to. I don't have any of that, nor the energy, patience or time. Now or never, don't know if I have the guts. But I'm pushing myself, when really I'm exhausted. So, that's not living, but just another way to get myself killed and possibly a dumb one if I end up paralysed. No, I'm done with this world and my advice is toxic, sorry. I feel no regret or doubt though, so if you do, or feel pressured into this decision in any way then seek help in whatever form you feel most comfortable with. Just buy yourself some time. Maybe you need it, and surely one of them will help you. Hope you find what's best for you.

 

[Egddios]

Replying to my own post, pathetic. Thing is I came back here last night thinking of deleting the previous post. It's not that I don't mean what I said, I do, to an extent, but I feel it doesn't do you justice. I keep thinking about what you wrote. In your opening post you said you wanted to do it last year, but then your mother passed, now you're saying March. But is it the situation pushing you into this or are you comfortable with the decision? Mind you, is there some significance to March apart from the money running out? Don't have to share of course if there is, just wondering because you mentioned it in the opening post and several times that you just needed to get through till March, so before you supposedly knew they'd cut you off. Which is why I'm wondering. You said you're trapped, and in a way that sounds like doubt. Thing is they're pushing you into an impossible situation, and I don't like the thought of you doing it under those circumstances. But then I think about hurt and tiredness. Animal shelters and self-sustaining farms are cute, and I have had more of those thoughts over the years, but it seems the more outlandish they are the more comfort I take in them. Riding around the wasteland sounds fine, but it means nuclear war and talking monkeys. So, how realistic is any of that? Is it an analogy for a peace we can't obtain? You said it in so many words. Everyone's si/limbo is different and I don't know if that is your's. Only you will know if you're truly done with this world or if there's more you want to do, and can. My si and limbo is practically non-existent. I have no more hope. No reasonable one at least. I know life can be a lot of fun, but the reality is my situation is a mess, and the anhedonia and numbness is killing me. It's gotten so bad that I've been thinking about buying myself a wingsuit and jumping off a cliff just to see if I can feel any sort of pleasure anymore. Feel something. It's really one of those things I'd still like to do, but under normal circumstances it takes hundreds of hours of training and a lot of money to be able to. I don't have any of that, nor the energy, patience or time. Now or never, don't know if I have the guts. But I'm pushing myself, when really I'm exhausted. So, that's not living, but just another way to get myself killed and possibly a dumb one if I end up paralysed. No, I'm done with this world and my advice is toxic, sorry. I feel no regret or doubt though, so if you do, or feel pressured into this decision in any way then seek help in whatever form you feel most comfortable with. Just buy yourself some time. Maybe you need it, and surely one of them will help you. Hope you find what's best for you.

Hey @voyager, thanks for this and no, it's not pathetic to reply to your own post. Also, your advice isn't toxic. I find comfort communicating with you.

March is the last month I can afford to stay in this apartment; after March the options are the street, a shelter or move back in with my father which, some would say just go for it, move back in with your father. If only it were that simple, if only I were better at "just sucking it up and taking it". My father, as I've mentioned in past posts/comments, has a control issue and belittles me, has kicked me out a few times (when I defend myself against verbal attacks), and doesn't seem to be able to grasp the concept of trauma. Yes, I could go back to "survive", but the emotional/psychological toll would be more than I want to put myself through. I'm at a point where I want to protect myself, and I don't want to put myself back in an abusive living environment.

I'm most safe in death. I know this, and have known this since I was a child.

I think I'll feel better once I get through this month. 2 weeks or so to go. Each one of us here in this forum deserves better, deserves a safe, loving environment and encouragement. We all deserve support, and kindness.

I don't feel pressured by anyone here, at all. What happened with SS and Medicaid sucks, and definitely makes me feel trapped in a sense, but I also know I have a way out and though it means ending my life, it's seems a more humane option than how I'd be forced to live, should I choose to "stay".

I'm exhausted to keep going and at the same time, of course I feel a sadness my life is coming to an end. That's a natural response. I have brain injuries, damage from ECT...I could go on, but you get it. Each morning, when I wake up, I want to go back to sleep, back to the void. I was more of a fighter and advocate than I am now, and that pains me to a degree. Part of me is like hey, fucking stay alive! New Gee's style (ha). And then I think of how that would be, and ultimately I see prolonged suffering. I'm so tired, and my heart is too tender for this world.

x

 

[Indieblue]

Hope you rest in peace.

 

[voyager]

So you've got nothing to stay for then apart more misery. I'm sorry it is that way. Had hoped you maybe still had something going for you. You can still change your mind of course, but if your done and in comfort then it's all good. Will miss you, but support you and naturally agree, wish life had been kinder to you and everyone here. Do enjoy talking to you too, wish we'd met sooner and perhaps under better circumstances, but I guess that's the catch of this place. It's why I called my reply pathetic. Because you never know who you're facing. Some people here are willing to take a chance, so I read your lines and thought maybe you're one of them, cheer you on a bit, while trying to contain my toxicity. It wasn't meant disingenuous, just cautious to not infect you. You don't sound completely broken though despite your tender heart. I'm glad. Maybe you'd even stick around if things were different. But you know what you wrote about the void, have felt like that too. One of my last good memories is waking up in 1993, full of life, all excited about the oncoming day, then in 2010 my first thoughts would be "not this shithole again". What a twist. Have made my peace with life now, but there's a word for that - lebensmuede. Weary of life.

PS: Understood correctly then about March, just sounded like you'd set your date in autumn for March for some specific reason. Much love to your tender heart.

 

[Mm80]

This for me will be the saddest and most difficult ctb ive experienced. Lovely of voyager to try so hard to help and i agree with all of the points.. You are so obviously such a good soul and i cant help but want you to live. I respect any decision you make but somehow this doesnt feel right at a gut level. It will be heartbreaking to be honest xx

 

[Egddios]

This for me will be the saddest and most difficult ctb ive experienced. Lovely of voyager to try so hard to help and i agree with all of the points.. You are so obviously such a good soul and i cant help but want you to live. I respect any decision you make but somehow this doesnt feel right at a gut level. It will be heartbreaking to be honest xx

@Mm80 thank you for your kindness


I feel heartbroken myself, and can't quite get over how I got this far even - made it to 36. I saw the nurse on Friday and told her I'm falling apart lately (more than usual, ha). She had some comforting words for me, and I felt glad I went to the appt after all.

Stopped by the pharmacy I usually go to and spoke with one of the managers (all the staff at this pharmacy are A+), to see if they accept any coupons or GoodRx since I lose Medicaid at the end of this month. He fist bumped me and said "we got this", told me the pharmacy has a hardship program and I'll be able to get my meds for a few bucks. That was a relief! Of course I cried thanking him.

The psychiatrist and case worker, and nurse will all still see me despite having no Medicaid after the month - another relief.

I mustered up the energy to search through any and all inexpensive apartments/rooms/etc in my state, and actually found a 2 room rental on a farm for $900 with all utilities included. They raise chickens and alpacas, and they're LBGQTIA+ friendly. @voyager, remember when I was day dreaming of living/helping out in an animal sanctuary of some kind? Anyway, they wrote me back and hopefully we get to talk this week.

I'm not exactly having second thoughts about ending my life, I'm still trying to hang on. Why? Well, maybe I can have some kind of life. If it comes down to it, and I'm unable to work out a new living arrangement, I thankfully have SN.

I truly can't handle the thought of moving back into an abusive environment with my father. I won't put myself through that again. The feelings of being trapped were making me start to panic. I was imagining being at my fathers again, of maybe being sectioned if I told my "care team" yes, I'm actively suicidal. Further alienation, isolation, etc.

Thank you all for the support and love. I'll be keeping you all posted.

 

[dlee]

This past September, after being released from inpatient ECT, there were days I'd stay in bed, getting up only to use the bathroom and maybe grab a ginger ale. I wasn't showering much, barely eating. I stopped taking all of my meds completely and didn't really experience any side effects/withdrawal. I knew things were winding down for me, and I'd been planning on ending my life in early November.

In a painful twist, my mother passed away on the Saturday of the weekend I'd been planning to end my own life. We had a tumultuous relationship and had been estranged for about 2 years. I felt gutted, hearing how she had died alone, of complications of pneumonia. I felt a happiness or relief she's no longer suffering. I miss her.

December and January felt like a blur of pain. Nightmares, panic attacks, crying and gasping for breath. "Just get to March" I'd think to myself.

I'm on SSI and receive Medicaid automatically, and had a review of my case done at the end of January. I'd been dreading the results, preparing for the worst and here it is: my medicaid will be void on 2/29. I haven't received a letter from Social Security yet, but I'm sure it's on the way.

I can appeal the decisions and I'll be seeing my caseworker on Monday. I'm glad I ordered SN and have it here for when the time comes. I couldn't get a script for Meto so I'm planning a generous dose of Zofran.

This is NOT goodbye. When the time comes, I'll leave with the love and support, and the understanding of this community. Thank you all for your empathy, openness and for not judging each other (or me). This place is one of a kind and has, some might say ironically , given me comfort, and hope. You've been with me in the depths of despair and didn't turn me away. May this site continue on, and may the time come when the right to die is widely viewed as a fundamental human right.

I'll update you soon.

With love and appreciation, E

very nice last paragraph, i feel the same, i hope one day we give humans the same compassion we give our pets, to euthanize them when they have no more quality of life, it is painfull to put someone you love to sleep but its the humane thing to do.. keeping a dog around thats just suffering would be selfish, same should go for humans.

 

[voyager]

@Mm80 thank you for your kindness


I feel heartbroken myself, and can't quite get over how I got this far even - made it to 36. I saw the nurse on Friday and told her I'm falling apart lately (more than usual, ha). She had some comforting words for me, and I felt glad I went to the appt after all.

Stopped by the pharmacy I usually go to and spoke with one of the managers (all the staff at this pharmacy are A+), to see if they accept any coupons or GoodRx since I lose Medicaid at the end of this month. He fist bumped me and said "we got this", told me the pharmacy has a hardship program and I'll be able to get my meds for a few bucks. That was a relief! Of course I cried thanking him.

The psychiatrist and case worker, and nurse will all still see me despite having no Medicaid after the month - another relief.

I mustered up the energy to search through any and all inexpensive apartments/rooms/etc in my state, and actually found a 2 room rental on a farm for $900 with all utilities included. They raise chickens and alpacas, and they're LBGQTIA+ friendly. @voyager, remember when I was day dreaming of living/helping out in an animal sanctuary of some kind? Anyway, they wrote me back and hopefully we get to talk this week.

I'm not exactly having second thoughts about ending my life, I'm still trying to hang on. Why? Well, maybe I can have some kind of life. If it comes down to it, and I'm unable to work out a new living arrangement, I thankfully have SN.

I truly can't handle the thought of moving back into an abusive environment with my father. I won't put myself through that again. The feelings of being trapped were making me start to panic. I was imagining being at my fathers again, of maybe being sectioned if I told my "care team" yes, I'm actively suicidal. Further alienation, isolation, etc.

Thank you all for the support and love. I'll be keeping you all posted.

That's sweet of them and really good news, E., I'm happy for you and relieved you're going to be staying with us a while longer. Know what you mean on second thoughts, but as you said, you can go anytime you want, and as long as it is on your terms and not theirs it's all good. The fact you cried and can still see some kind of life for you tells me at least that you're not quite done. Hope it pays off, and agree with Mm80, there is something really wrong about them potentially pushing you out the door like that. Here's hoping the rental works out and that life is little kinder to you from now on. Much love to your unbroken heart. <3

 

[Egddios]

An update for those who are curious:

My case worker cancelled on me twice this week, we were supposed to go and try to appeal the Medicaid decision. She's now saying she'll take me on Monday morning, which...hey, whatever at this point, and I have to laugh. Just going through the motions really. Looking at this from an outside perspective, it's maddening how so many of us fall through the cracks of the system.

I spoke with the couple renting a 2 room apt on their small Alpaca farm and had a nice conversation. It won't work out for me after all, for a few reasons. Still glad I called though.

I spotted an apartment for rent a few streets over; I called and spoke with the man renting it, he said I could see it tomorrow morning and I think I will.

Love to you all.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Oh @Egddios - I'm so sorry, I've only just read all this. It's so damn unfair, the bastards have backed you into a corner and left you there. This makes me so angry. You are a gentle soul and don't deserve this. And even now you are still trying to fight on. I admire your courage. Makes me want to scream when someone slips through the cracks. What a heartless and two faced society we live in. More concerned with being seen to help rather than helping.
Please keep us updated if you can and I wish you so much luck. All you can do it keep at it.

 

[voyager]

That sucks, E. Hope you don't lose heart. You know I told my mum about you. Ah, yes. She knows all about you. Remember how I said she hates this place? Well, she loves animals, and she also loves people who love animals, so I told her about your situation, your dream, and the chicken and alpaca farm, and of course she took it to heart. So, even she was rooting for you. She thought it was sweet, and I concur. Am sorry it didn't work out. Hope Monday will be better for you and that you get the appartment. Good luck, and all my love to you.

 

[Egddios]

That sucks, E. Hope you don't lose heart. You know I told my mum about you. Ah, yes. She knows all about you. Remember how I said she hates this place? Well, she loves animals, and she also loves people who love animals, so I told her about your situation, your dream, and the chicken and alpaca farm, and of course she took it to heart. So, even she was rooting for you. She thought it was sweet, and I concur. Am sorry it didn't work out. Hope Monday will be better for you and that you get the appartment. Good luck, and all my love to you.

Oh @voyager , thank you for this message, I'm sending you a big hug now ❤

Does your mum have a particular animal she's fond of? I've always loved prairie dogs and wombats, and dogs....always dogs. If possible, send my best to your mum!

Oh @Egddios - I'm so sorry, I've only just read all this. It's so damn unfair, the bastards have backed you into a corner and left you there. This makes me so angry. You are a gentle soul and don't deserve this. And even now you are still trying to fight on. I admire your courage. Makes me want to scream when someone slips through the cracks. What a heartless and two faced society we live in. More concerned with being seen to help rather than helping.
Please keep us updated if you can and I wish you so much luck. All you can do it keep at it.

@Underscore I appreciate your message very much, thank you for, in a way, being with me here near the end. I really, from the bottom of my heart, thank all of you for being with me through this.

At this point, it angers me, not even for myself, but in the bigger picture - how fucking cruel people can be to each other, the blank faces of people who work in social services, the blatant ignorance of supposed professionals who are trained to keep the most vulnerable safe. I'm not the only one, not by a long shot. I email with my ex husband, who had been helping me afford this apartment, and he was saying how he regretted being honest with Social Security, how if he hadn't been honest, I'd still have healthcare and a roof over my head. It's wild that I'm being stripped of all assistance because I was receiving....assistance. It will never make sense to me. As I've mentioned in past posts/comments/threads, I'm exhausted (almost completely) to hold on.

I've been raped multiple times in my life, and I told the nurse, if it comes down to me living on the street or in a shelter, my main fear is of being raped again. I told her, I don't want to be raped again. She looked sort of...taken aback, and tried telling me shelters are safe places. I'm sure some of them are, but after I was raped by the downstairs neighbor in NJ and subsequently sexually assaulted in the hospital after trying to end my life (because I was so full of shame and hatred towards myself after being raped), there aren't many places that feel safe to me anymore. Pretty much being here, under the covers - I feel safe here like this. Being with you all here, being able to write and speak freely without being punched down - I am grateful.

Thank you.

 

[voyager]

Well, you hit the mark, heh. She loves dogs, too. And wolves. Really she loves all animals, mammals and birds at least, but any kind of dogs and wolves are her favourites. Perhaps cats next (because we had some), big cats and bears, but it gets really blurry after that. She takes them all to heart, as do they her. I think if it were up to her she'd work in an animal shelter, too. She spends a lot of time going through the internet homepages of local shelters to look up the fate of the animals there. Knows most of them by name and where they ended up. This is funny, btw, she even recognised a dog on the street who was adopted here locally. The dog came from an international shelter serving all of Europe and the dog was transported here from Spain (which is about 2500km away) to our little town of only 6000 souls. I mean what are the chances of her meeting him on the street?? Seriously. But it was in fact the same dog. lol. I think she'd love to have another dog, our last passed away in 2011, but the problem is her health. She's not sure if she can provide them with with the necessary physical activity anymore, not least because I think she'd prefer a large dog, also for safety. Of course, there's also a very personal background to this, but that's a sad story and probably best for another time. I'll tell her though, and it's probably safe to say she'll take you to heart, too.

PS: Just saw your edit now. Not sure what to say. Kinda figured something like that on the page before, but not exactly that bad, you know, argh. I'm sorry, E. You're very brave though for trying to overcome your hardships over and over again. Almost unbreakable. Wish it would finally pay off.

 

[Egddios]

Well, you hit the mark, heh. She loves dogs, too. And wolves. Really she loves all animals, mammals and birds at least, but any kind of dogs and wolves are her favourites. Perhaps cats next (because we had some), big cats and bears, but it gets really blurry after that. She takes them all to heart, as do they her. I think if it were up to her she'd work in an animal shelter, too. She spends a lot of time going through the internet homepages of local shelters to look up the fate of the animals there. Knows most of them by name and where they ended up. This is funny, btw, she even recognised a dog on the street who was adopted here locally. The dog came from an international shelter serving all of Europe and the dog was transported here from Spain (which is about 2500km away) to our little town of only 6000 souls. I mean what are the chances of her meeting him on the street?? Seriously. But it was in fact the same dog. lol. I think she'd love to have another dog, our last passed away in 2011, but the problem is her health. She's not sure if she can provide them with with the necessary physical activity anymore, not least because I think she'd prefer a large dog, also for safety. Of course, there's also a very personal background to this, but that's a sad story and probably best for another time. I'll tell her though, and it's probably safe to say she'll take you to heart, too.

PS: Just saw your edit now. Not sure what to say. Kinda figured something like that on the page before, but not exactly that bad, you know, argh. I'm sorry, E. You're very brave though for trying to overcome your hardships over and over again. Almost unbreakable. Wish it would finally pay off.

I have a dog, who I love like he's my son. His name is Oso, and was given to me in Spain (my ex had a job there and I went with him). He will be 11 this summer, he is the sweetest soul. He's not with me now because I want him to have the best life, so he lives at my fathers. Oso is such a good boy and so smart, I didn't want to put him through any stress (me crying, etc). My father treats him very well, and I think Oso has almost a therapeutic effect on him.

I miss him so much. Throwback to when we lived in Jersey:

 

[Mm80]

I have a dog, who I love like he's my son. His name is Oso, and was given to me in Spain (my ex had a job there and I went with him). He will be 11 this summer, he is the sweetest soul. He's not with me now because I want him to have the best life, so he lives at my fathers. Oso is such a good boy and so smart, I didn't want to put him through any stress (me crying, etc). My father treats him very well, and I think Oso has almost a therapeutic effect on him.

I miss him so much. Throwback to when we lived in Jersey:


View attachment 27875

Oso is beautiful x