Venting It feels so empty

[heirofvoid]

I managed to enroll to a new school now so I'm starting college as a freshman again. Had to take a business related course this time and I can tell that I'll hate it. I just have no other choice since the other courses this school offers would be education related courses and I'm not fit to become a teacher. This school is way nicer than my previous university but everything is so expensive so I can't fucking back out this time. I lied and lied to my family saying I'm interested in this course but I just had no fucking choice. I really want an art related course but the schools that offer that here are only for rich people. I don't want to put my family in debt by studying there so I really have no choice. It just sucks so much because I need something to keep me going but there's just nothing these days. It's been nothing for months actually, I'm currently just alive because I don't know a good ctb method that will 100% work. I feel nothing. I'm not the same as before. I feel like I'm just becoming a machine. How do I even convince myself to keep going if I'm like this? I don't have passion for anything anymore. If I'm not at school or not doing schoolwork, I'm just rotting on my bed and mindlessly scrolling through 3 different social medias. I couldn't even get the motivation to grab my headphones and listen to music like that's how bad it is. I force myself to masturbate each night just so I can feel something and it just doesn't change anything. I've been working out every morning as well but it's not really changing anything and doesn't motivate me. I still do it for a routine though. I also don't commend myself when I do something, I've read somewhere that I should do that if I'm depressed but every time I try to think of it as an achievement, I immediately think that this is what other people normally do so I shouldn't really be proud of it.

I'm currently hoping my 4 years of college will go by in a flash and I can finally get that stupid diploma so I can become like any "normal" person OR I wish future me can find a way to successfully end herself. It's not even about being sad anymore I literally just don't see the point of being alive and don't feel like living for the next years. I do get the thoughts of "oh what if you'll miss out on new things!" like I really couldn't give a shit anymore. If I was given an option to immediately end myself then I'll do it in a heartbeat.