I made my first post on here nearly 10 years ago. I had just broken up with my high school girlfriend and thought it was the end of the world.
Since then, life only got worse. Skipping a lot, I spiralled into addiction just before covid and am still struggling today, although I've just switched vices. I spent this time telling myself it would get better, that as soon as I could move out of my family's house I'd be able to start life fresh.
Surprise surprise, this didn't happen. I tried to kill myself 3 months after moving out, partly because of my existing struggles but also because I was in an abusive relationship. I've been sexually assaulted, physically assaulted and attended court in a process that dragged out two years, and really struggled in the years afterwards recovering from this.
I finally thought life was finally going my way in late 2024 when I got offered a grad job. I was so excited, I finally saw a way out and was almost salivating at living a stupid, mundane life with a decent wage where I could begin to move on from everything. This was withdrawn almost 6 months later due to the political turmoil and cost increases.
One month after this, my little brother and another passenger were killed by a careless driver.
I don't want to go into too much detail about the legal processes because they were exhausting, but the 5 months she was sentenced to was more than we were told to expect.
I honestly just find it all hilarious at this point. I'm numb to everything, ironically I'm in the best spot I've ever been mentally. I think it's because I've completely given up. I smoke so I don't have to think and drink when that stops working. I don't even have the capacity to think any more, even if I wanted to. The only thing keeping me here is seeing what the death of one child did to my parents, I can't do that to them again.
It's my partner and I's three year anniversary today. We're always broke and living paycheck to paycheck. I don't expect big grand gestures or displays of money, but something handmade or considerate would be nice. I knew I wouldn't get this so I asked him to just pretend like it was any other day so I wouldn't be disappointed. He ignored this, I got a text message from him and chose dinner for him to cook. Great. Meanwhile, I made him a handmade folding love note for Valentine's Day a few years ago. I never did it again.
Is this all there really is? Shit luck and a shit life? Sure, I know this is first world problems and all, but even when I do try life kicks me back down and makes me remember why nothings ever worth it. The one thing that's been consistent in my life is the never ending feeling of emptiness that always comes back, alongside desperation for some sort of relief.
Since then, life only got worse. Skipping a lot, I spiralled into addiction just before covid and am still struggling today, although I've just switched vices. I spent this time telling myself it would get better, that as soon as I could move out of my family's house I'd be able to start life fresh.
Surprise surprise, this didn't happen. I tried to kill myself 3 months after moving out, partly because of my existing struggles but also because I was in an abusive relationship. I've been sexually assaulted, physically assaulted and attended court in a process that dragged out two years, and really struggled in the years afterwards recovering from this.
I finally thought life was finally going my way in late 2024 when I got offered a grad job. I was so excited, I finally saw a way out and was almost salivating at living a stupid, mundane life with a decent wage where I could begin to move on from everything. This was withdrawn almost 6 months later due to the political turmoil and cost increases.
One month after this, my little brother and another passenger were killed by a careless driver.
I don't want to go into too much detail about the legal processes because they were exhausting, but the 5 months she was sentenced to was more than we were told to expect.
I honestly just find it all hilarious at this point. I'm numb to everything, ironically I'm in the best spot I've ever been mentally. I think it's because I've completely given up. I smoke so I don't have to think and drink when that stops working. I don't even have the capacity to think any more, even if I wanted to. The only thing keeping me here is seeing what the death of one child did to my parents, I can't do that to them again.
It's my partner and I's three year anniversary today. We're always broke and living paycheck to paycheck. I don't expect big grand gestures or displays of money, but something handmade or considerate would be nice. I knew I wouldn't get this so I asked him to just pretend like it was any other day so I wouldn't be disappointed. He ignored this, I got a text message from him and chose dinner for him to cook. Great. Meanwhile, I made him a handmade folding love note for Valentine's Day a few years ago. I never did it again.
Is this all there really is? Shit luck and a shit life? Sure, I know this is first world problems and all, but even when I do try life kicks me back down and makes me remember why nothings ever worth it. The one thing that's been consistent in my life is the never ending feeling of emptiness that always comes back, alongside desperation for some sort of relief.
