Introduce yourself

[RyoAsuka]

Not using anything that can Identify me so you can just call me Ryo I use any pronouns idc what you call me. I have diagnosed ASD, Anxiety and Adhd.

I do not know if I want to CTB or try to recover and live my life but I'm glad a site like this exists.

 

[TheDrape]

Im The Drape and im looking for buddies to talk to openly

 

[THEREALSLIMSHADY]

Hi Guys, I´m therealslimshady, but i won´t stand up. I aint Eminem but i been in video, situation like video actually. Nice to meet yaaal

 

[Rwyttndwp]

Nos da to all, I am 22 years old, rummaging towards 23 wasted years on this one.

Whilst I am not sure I even suffer from anything, I wouldn't discard the possibility of something being wrong with my brain, I barely even lived really
my life has been nothing but wasted opportunities, one after the other, nonstop. Tried CTB before at around 16, inspired by my mother who used to try it frequently as well. The times I caught her, i did nothing but try to ease her pain because I understood her, caressing her hair, talking to her, keeping her company, she still lives and I do not feel an inch of regret.

My interests are nothing to write home about, i really like anime, music and gaming

It is good to see a community that does not stigimatize and shame what can be the very last thoughts you have in this heap of shit. Pleasure to be here!

 

[pax420]

Hey, Brian here. 56 years old recently lost best friend/gf/ride or die. Also lost will and desire to exist. I've spent 44 of my 56 years fubared out of my head. There is no logical reason I'm still stuck in this worn out rotting carcass. Will post my life thread one day soon. I'll also post my ctb plans if anybody wants to read them. I've had a pretty interesting existence. Sex drugs crime prison surgeries good music and lots of laughs. Yeah right mostly drugs crime and prison. Never figured out who I am and what my purpose was/is except as a crash test dummy for misery, confusion, and pain.

 

[inextremis]

Hi. Not sure what to say. Even online I usually just lurk everywhere because I'm too self critical to express myself. Idk. I'm off the drugs and alcohol that defined most of my life after some legal trouble and now I just feel empty. I was too much of a liability to keep anyone in my life and now that I'm sober I'm utterly alone. No more distractions and nothing left to keep me going. I don't want to go back but there's just nothing to keep me going forward. I can't stop crying. Anyway thanks for this space.

 

[movies4guys]

u can call me frailty. im 20. have been miserable 4 around half my life and it doesn't look like im gonna stop being miserable anytime soon unless im dead. hence why im here. i like poetry and music. nice to meet u all.

 

[ris_ris_ris_ris_]

Hello, you can call me Dol. I am twenty years old. I like anime, manga, literature, linguistics, philosophy, and drawing. My depression and just general shitty mental health has made it increasingly difficult for me to develop in the fields I enjoy and have skill for. I've been medicated since I was six years old and collect mental illnesses like badges. I can't wait to die. Nice to meet you.

 

[DonLockwood]

Hello all. You can just call me by my username. I'm a male in my mid 20s and I would say that i've had depression for the longest time. With increasing expectations and not being able to reach my goals in recent years. My mental health has really taken a nosedive. I unfortunately do not see any life that I would enjoy living in the future, and because of that, i've come to this website. Nice to meet you all.

 

[doomedbynarrative]

HI there. I'm from the USA. 30s. I have had a lot of trauma in my life from childhood till now and I have been going slowly and painfully deaf for a little over a decade now. I have very severe tinnitus as a result. I used to be a musician. I have a lot of people who love me but can't really understand me. I've actually have had another disability from birth all this time but I am more used to it compared to going deaf though it does make me sad on occasion and it got me a lot of bullying as a child. I believe every living thing in this world should have a right to a meaningful and well lived life but unfortunately our universe is not set up like that. It's really sad because I have a lot of love in me and always have.

I don't know how much time I have left before I have to make a final choice. I've contemplated it for so many years now. I'm glad this forum is here because where else can you talk about these things without a therapist or others sectioning you?

Anyway, hello, and I wish all of you the very best.

 

[ethereal_hobo]

Hi all. I probably should have saved what I wrote to the Admins when I joined the site. Anyway, I'll write a few words. I wonder should I avoid being too specific about some details even though the chances of anyone working out who I am are basically nil and I probably wouldn't care too much if they did.

I'm a guy who is aged somewhere between 38 and 43. I live in either Britain or Ireland and have a strange national identity thanks to my childhood and neurdiversity (mainly self-diagnosed, mainly ADHD but some other stuff probably including PTSD / CPTSD which basically causes a form of neurodivergence too. Did I mention I can be quite antipsych despite saying all that?).

So yeah kind of anti-authoritarian. On that note, there are so many political arguments these days but I think if people thought more about authoritarianism and anti-authoritarianism it would make these arguments more productive. The problem is probably that the words are so long and awkward for people's attention spans.

A major reason that I might die younger than I should is a horrific phobia of exams. It hasn't worked out well when I've talked about this issue with people generally, but maybe you fine people are trustworthy. I can live without getting degrees and all that but living without a driving licence (despite being able to drive fine) can be pretty damn depressing. Not that I particularly like driving or anything lol. I might do a motorbike lesson or two for a change of scenery. I suppose motorbikes are so dangerous that I'd probably CTB inadvertently before too long.

I can't emphasise enough how horrific my phobia is. And not just one phobia it seems! I have a phobia of talking to anyone, particularly a doctor or professional, about my mental health issues, thanks to neurodivergence, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, invalidation and all the rest of it.

My issues render me a different species to most people in many ways. This post is quite rambly and I probably over-emphasised the wrong things, but anyway, it's just an intro post isn't it. I salute you

 

[jerkbybile]

hello. i am in my 20s, and i have been suicidal off and on for the majority of my life. i have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and schizoaffective disorder; the mix of extreme, intense emotions and bouts of delusion make it difficult for me to live life as the average man. i feel as though i could have everything i have ever wanted and still be lacking that unnameable something that makes someone "normal", or, well-adjusted. i feel as though the world itself rejects me, and thus it is impossible for me to make a living for myself and impossible to simply continue to be.
nothing about my struggles are particularly unique and i acknowledge that. i hope to speak with people who have similar struggles and hear realistic, unbiased opinions.

 

[ReimuIsTransAndSad]

Hello my name is Reimu. I am trans and autistic. I need a place to scream. That is all ye need to know about me. Been suffering for a long time. I guess I'd also like to add that I don't even hate myself. I'd like to improve even when I do awful things. I'd like to do better. At the end of the night though I always feel so sad and alone.

 

[whyisthesky]

Hi, call me Sky. I'm in my 30s but will leave my gender unspecified. The Streisand effect helped me find this site (shoutout governmental-approved regulator overreach, you suck but at least I found my way here). I'm relieved to find somewhere to talk/read about/engage with this subject matter without censorship or burdening those around me or potentially losing the liberty to make this choice. My situation is complicated but very simple at the same time. The solution is unavoidable, and the future (mine, and just in general) is bleak either way.

From what I've seen while lurking the people here seem empathetic and understanding and I appreciate that. Through all the suffering and distress I'm facing I'm glad to have found a space like this. Let me be as informed as I am determined. Grateful to those who maintain and defend this space.

 

[CrosswordsInPen]

The topic of death and more specifically people ctb has always fascinated me. It's been a morbid curiosity of mine to the point where I spend hours on end just researching local cases, digging deeper than I probably reasonably should. I've struggled with passive SI for the longest time and even now that things are looking up for me, I doubt it would take long for me to slip into these thoughts again. It's always just one minor misstep that sends the whole thing crashing down, but I try to keep it together to the best of my abilities. I'd love to be able to help anyone struggling with negative thoughts and I'm always open to discussion.

 

[coulthard]

Hi lot of you. Im Coulthard, from UK, 44 y.o. i was long time lurker. IT guy. Having hardships and need some ppl and safe place, need to talk a bit. I like music and video games. If anyone wants to chat or something hit me up. Im also here to research methods.

 

[sshine]

I am not currently suicidal nor do I endorse suicide. However I think that each person should possess the right to choose this path. I wonder why suicide still carries such shame when society claims to value personal freedom. If we never chose to be born, why should we be forced to keep living? So much energy gets spent stopping suicide rather than easing the pain behind it.

I think society enables people in the worst parts of being human. My profile picture shows that.

I am open to conversation but may not share personal details.

 

[a65b]

Hi everyone, im just a silly 19yo guy from europe. You can just call me by my username. Im a failed musician and social rejected. Been depressed and suicidal since late childhood. Im probably gonna be here for a few more years then ill ctb. I would be surprised if i make it to my mid 20s. It would be cool to make some friends here and talk to some of you guys so feel free to dm me! ))

 

[northerner]

hello! i am a 20yo girl from a northern country (won't specify which for privacy). i still haven't decided for sure if i'm going to ctb but i'm gonna hang out here for awhile so i can make a more informed decision. everyone has been so welcoming so far, i'm happy to be here!! <3

 

[yourmemory]

hi everyone! i'm a 24 year old woman, been suicidal on and off since age 10 or so. diagnosed bipolar 1, probably early onset. tried to ctb three times now, first time when i was 13. i'm not actively trying to ctb at the moment if only due to curiosity and a certain person in my life. i probably will someday, if my addictive tendencies don't take me out first. i enjoy cooking and depressing tv.

 

[N Seeker]

New here. I don't wanna say much about myself.

I want to have the train prepared to increase my freedom. Don't know if I'll catch it. I've had a decent life, I don't like this world and I think we can change it. I don't understand humans or anything at all.

Hi, im Lakefish, im 28 and im currently analyst in insurance company. I hate my job and my life, and id ctb or go live in Alaska, if i could. I like fishing and playing retro PC games.

I want to help others and i hope others can help me. I hate world we live in and state of society.

Alaska sounds like a good place to peacefully live. I hope you make it there one day, if you wish so!

 

[TwoSoulsLiveInMe]

Hey, I'm 22, a woman, living in the PNW of the US. I'm teetering on the edge of suicide and seeking real help, though it would not be my first time experiencing either of those possibilities.

My whole life I've struggled with severe C-PTSD, Autism, Anxiety, and an unshakable fear of men, (no matter how much therapy I've gotten).

I was very suicidal from when I was 10-20, and attempted to ctb twice as a young child, and once at 17 and was hospitalized.
I was in therapy from 14-20, and while it helped some of my daily functioning and ability to understand and handle interpersonal conflict, it did nothing to shake my suicidal tendencies.

I was in a good relationship from when I was 16-21, and he helped me to forget about my suicidal ideation. But a few months ago he broke up with me, turns out he was gay and repressing himself into being with a woman because of his Christian upbringing. But he was my everything, and my reason for not being suicidal anymore.

It's been 5 months of being single now, and I've only gotten worse. Thinking about him has faded, but the futility of life is getting to me now, so here I am. I relapsed self-harming the other day, way worse than I ever have before. And made me realize nothing is holding me back anymore.

So I made an account on here after being a chronic off and on lurker my whole life. It feels like such a massive milestone in a relieving and terrifying way. But I'm happy to be here :)

Sorry for the long-winded introduction lol

 

[Cyc]

I'm Cyc. I'm an 18yo girl from the UK just trying to pass time until I die

I have autism, unmedicated adhd, chronic migraines, depression and severe anaemia. This means I'm often quite tired or in pain

I've been depressed and suicidal since I was 11 due to issues at home, bullying and a lot of sexual trauma. I plan on ctbing as soon as I'm able to so that I can be free of my pain

If you're interested in being friends then feel free to DM me I'm always happy to listen :)

 

[RiftbornVeil]

Salutations, SaSu :)

Call me Rift, Riftborn, Veil, or whatever you prefer. I'm a woman burdened by the weight of the expectations I place on myself, and those that society places on me. I've attempted to CTB once, though it was ineffective and since then I haven't received a window of opportunity. Till then, I shall bide my time on here and make an effective plan.

As for who I am, I've always seen myself as a performer flitting between roles as one would with toppings on a pizza, or condiments in a dish. Everything I do feels fake, and (as Brick from the play Cat on a Hot Tin Roof would say) full of "mendacity." Most of my time goes towards my work as a student; otherwise, I spend time writing or learning about philosophy and playing chess.

It's odd, typing about my thoughts and myself here when I do so easily by writing; bringing to surface my thoughts on a subject everyone around me shuns as taboo makes me feel both vulnerable, and excited, for now I finally have a community to share them with.

Cheers!

 

[RubyRubedo]

Hi, I'm Ruby. Woman in my late 20s living in australia, been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts since childhood (specifically Major Depressive Disorder according to a recent diagnosis). I'm disabled and unable to work which has left me broke and stuck living with toxic family. Don't really have any hope of my life improving so I just spend my days wasting time until i build up the nerve to CTB.

In terms of interests / hobbies i like music, reading & gaming. In theory I'm also into photography and writing, but I haven't had the motivation to do either of those in a long time now.

Nice to meet you all

 

[EmoGirl]

Hello everyone,

You can just call me Emo or Emo girl, doesn't matter anyway. I was emo in the 2000's and still to this day emo. I've tried to CTB 11 times in my life but I'm such a failure at life I can't even do that right. Both of my parents are mentally ill so I've got that super depression, where no medication helps. I grew up in rural Midwest US on a livestock farm, seeing all that death at a young age made me really numb to the world, I still have constant nightmares about it. It actually fucked me up to the point where I can't be around most animals because I just get PTSD flashbacks. I feel sick to my stomach when I eat meat but I still do it anyway, I at least feel something when that happens. I've wasted most of my life, and I have nothing to show for it. All I do is waste oxygen, and rot in bed. I just want it to end, the world is an awful place full of awful people. If I could I would trade everything I own in exchange for being able to crawl into a box and go to sleep forever. It probably would be easier for me to CTB if I had someone else there to counter my stupidity. I suck at talking to people in the real world, so that's never gonna happen. I suck at everything honestly.

I like listening to music, my favorite genres are nu-metal, emo punk, scenecore and post-hardcore. When I feel up to it, which is rare I also sew and make little felt crafts. I also really love monster energy, I have had almost every flavor. I do like to do cosplay, get the really shitty ones from temu. Sometimes i'll play video games but I really suck at them.

If you want to talk or somethin send me a DM

Remember RawR means I love you in dinosaur

-Emo Girl

 

[dearreader]

Hey,

I'm 19F from the US, east coast. I'm really unsure what brought me to this point, because I've lived an incredibly fortunate life (at least in a superficial sense), but thinking too hard about it just worsens my guilt. Reading some of your guys' stories, I feel incredibly stupid.

I like pretty normal teen girl stuff. Clothes, music, reality TV (I've regrettably seen every single episode of KUWTK) etc... I indulge in AO3 and shitty cartoons in my private time. I don't think anyone in my life would ever suspect that I was on a forum like this, or that I've had such thoughts in the first place; there is a 24/7 discrepancy between my words and my thoughts.

I'm currently enrolled in college, and becoming increasingly certain that things are all downhill from here. I was never that happy of a child regardless—I feel a visceral disconnect from everyone no matter what I do—but the things that once made me kinda-sorta happy are dropping like house flies. This world absolutely sucks. Almost no amount of personal joy will detract from the injustices that're out of my control.

I have never attempted to CTB (at least on purpose—me and Vicodin have had some close calls), and it's not something I'm dead-set on either, but I want to have this forum in my back pocket JIC. This was longer than I intended, sorry :(

 

[auti]

Hi! My name is Zab and I just recently turned 21. I have been suicidal since I was 13 and attempted once last year. I'm currently in mental health treatment but honestly I'm so done. I'm autistic and I love mlp, dolls, etc! Ty

 

[thermosgrenadine]

hi. you can call me by my username. i'm 18, trans (male), american. i have a family history of mental illness and when i was in elementary school my dad CTB. i didn't have a very good childhood. i have bipolar ii, ptsd, gender dysphoria, Etc. i'm medicated but not in therapy

my passion is music. i mostly produce industrial/noise stuff. i listen to pretty much everything... my favorite album of all time is cathedral by castanets, my top 3 favorite bands/artists are probably lil ugly mane, the mountain goats, and gary numan. my icon is from the film equus (1977).

i dont expect to CTB soon but i do expect it to be what happens. i'm alive for now but i don't really know why. kind of just existing. mostly here for the recovery forum. glad i have the chance to speak to you all, in some capacity :-)

 

[bobsacamano]

Hi. New to this place. Experienced a bad backslide two nights ago and remembered the NYT article of a few years ago on SS, and found my way here. I'm old. 64. Too old for anyone to care most likely. Anyway best wishes to all.