Introduce yourself

[catfriend]

hello!
27F. planning to ctb in the near future because 'it gets better' isn't some universal truth, and i'm so, so tired.
this evening, i have taken the first step in preparing my chosen method.

 

[ODIFA]

Hey everyone, nice to meet you! I've been checking out this forum for the last couple of weeks. It's kind of comforting to know that other people are struggling as much as I am, so that's why I also wanted to join this community.

I'm a 36-year-old female and I live in Western Europe. I find it hard to talk about myself and talk about how I'm feeling because I'm just not good at it. It's always a struggle to find the right words and to be able to express what's going on in my head. I'm also a bit shy and I have social anxiety, which makes it also difficult to talk to people in real life.

Okay, just typing this was already proving difficult… oh no But I want to make the effort to share a bit about what's going on in my life, so here it goes.

I've been struggling with my mental health for about half of my life now. My first major depression happened when I was 17 years old. Since then it's been a rollercoaster, going up and down and up and down…

Right now I'm at the lowest that I've ever been. I keep thinking about CTB because I just don't see myself getting better anymore. I don't like who I am, I have low self-esteem and low self-confidence, social anxiety, I feel like I'm stuck in certain patterns and behaviors, I keep messing things up, it feels like my memory is declining, I've been in survival mode for so long now, ... I feel like I'm so behind in life and I'm just tired and I lost all motivation to try to improve things.

At the moment I'm living with my parents after ending a relationship of almost 13 years (we broke up about 6 months ago). I don't have a job and I can't afford to rent an apartment. My parents are retired, which makes living here extremely annoying for me because they are almost always home. I need a lot of alone time, and being alone in my room is not enough for me. I want to be home alone, that's when I feel my best and I can recharge and just be myself. So this living situation now is driving me crazy!

I also ruined the friendship I had with my best friend (also the only friend I had). I first moved in with him after the breakup because he was the only other option (and better option) besides my parents, but things just started going wrong. After about 3 months he asked me to move out. I don't really want to explain everything that happened, but it was mostly because of me being emotionally needy when I was feeling down and then lashing out at him afterwards because he didn't give me the love and attention I so badly needed in those moments. I always felt bad after doing that and always apologized. (I think I might have BPD?) But what it comes down to is that something broke between us and the amazing friendship we had is just gone now. He said his feelings changed and that he can't feel empathy or compassion for me anymore and that he can't help it. For me it feels like he abandoned me, although I can understand that feelings can change. But it hurts like hell and thinking about him and what happened always makes me cry. So yeah, of course I'm crying right now typing this. He was so important to me and the only person I could really talk to.

This happening was actually what pushed me over the edge and made me start thinking about CTB. Although it's really a combination of so many small and big things that make me not want to live anymore.

I actually planned to CTB 2 weeks ago by jumping, but when I was standing there ready to do it I suddenly had my doubts. I was so scared that it wasn't heigh enough and I would mess it up and somehow survive the fall.
A few days later I attempted partial hanging when my parents weren't home for a while. But I wasn't really that well prepared and still had to figure out how to do it and find a rope and make the right knots and all that. I made an attempt but couldn't get myself to pass out and then time started running out, so I just gave up.

I really regret not jumping because I have now started to feel a bit scared to CTB. While I had absolutely no fears 2 weeks ago and I was so ready for it.

So yeah, I feel like shit. But at least I'll feel a little less alone now that I'm here.

There's still more I could share, but for now I'll leave it at that. This already took me way too long to put into words and cost a lot of energy.

I also wasn't sure if I should post it here or make a new thread because it's kind of long and maybe too much information for this "Introduce yourself" thread. I decided to leave it here, a bit afraid to start a new thread. I definitely don't mind if no one reacts to this post.

Thank you so much for reading!

 

[TotalEclipse]

Hey, you can call me Eclipse. I've been a lurker for about a year and a half. I'm currently waiting for my thread about the attempt I'm making soon to be approved. I've made about 7 attempts using non-methods, but I've finally reached the point where it became worth it to me to risk ordering off the dark web, using a guide posted on here. I'm still somewhat scared of what my afterlife will be if I die through suicide, but I rationalized that I'd rather just get those negative consequences over with because I believe that bad afterlives and cycles of reincarnations don't last forever and that everyone either finds redemption eventually or simply stops existing if they can't be redeemed. I do have some things that are worth living for, which makes me sad because I'd ideally be alive, but they aren't enough to do the heavy lifting for everything else.

 

[Tarnished_anachrom]

Hi everyone! I'm 18FtM (basically a trans guy) but 19 in a month, hopefully I CTB before then so I don't have to deal with all this any longer.

About me:
- I'm a physics major the uni has been going poorly lets just say.
- I've been diagnosed with ASD, depression, and atelophobia and atychiphobia.
- I've has suicidal tendencies and thoughts since I was a kid, at 10 I was sent to therapy for suicidal remarks at home and at school.
- I've attempted too many times to count (hopefully one day I'll actually succeed).
- I self harm (though I know this isn't that kind of forum hit me up if you know forums similar to this but for self harm), a mix of cutting (usually to the hypodermis), burning and self poisoning (ODing or ingesting harmful stuff just to hurt myself).

It's nice to find a community that doesn't censor this stuff you know? Looking forward to interacting with all of you!

 

[needwaytohell]

Hi, technically a bit late as I've posted . 21M lost and hopeless want a solid plan before I CTB. Previously tried hanging myself but the rope broke and thanks to luck no damages. Planning to live for probably 5 years at max when stars align I'll document my hopefully final movements and find peace. Love y'all here.

 

[TownesVanZandt]

Hi I'll be turning 21 this week (F) in the U.S. I have had depression for as long as I can remember. I raised my wellbutrin dose to 300mg a couple weeks ago and haven't noticed a difference. This is at least the 6th psych med I've been on that hasn't had any effect. Ive been through 4 different therapists still nothing. Its extremely rare for me to not feel depressed. I even have friends who really try to cheer me up and I can see how much it hurts them when nothing works. I have a lot of social trouble that makes it hard for me to get close to people (recently had a therapist suggest I have ASD). I don't even think it's social anxiety, it's more like just a blockage where no mater what I try I can't socialize in the ways I want to.

I attempted last year by asphyxiation and my roommate found me, I barely remember any of that, I started my attempt blacked out and next thing I know my best friend is sitting next to me while I regained consciousness.

I love nature, reading, meditating and yoga. I'm an activist. I am currently homeless. I really like baking. I am constantly learning, I really wish I could go to college but I know that I'm too mentally ill and it will just be a waste of money. I dream of a better world but I believe even in utopia I'd still be discontent.

 

[Alrek]

I am 44 years old (M), living in one of the Nordic countries.

I have been living with a horrible stomach disease for so long, and this month it started an even more downward spiral. I can only drink a little fluid, and need nutrition through tubes or veins to survive. And even then I still have a lot of pain and suffering. I just can't imagine living like this very much longer, so I started looking for ways to end it online. And in doing so stumbled on this site.

Hopefully it will give me some insights into which method will be best, if I decide to go through. And, also which method not to choose for the sake of my family.

It was also good to find such comforting and open minded community, to read how other people are coping with their thoughts on CBT. I have been alone in my thoughts for so long...