VoidDesirer22
A dream inside a locked room
- Sep 6, 2021
- 673
Post grad sounds like digging onself into a deeper hole of poverty. It's just never enough.
LucieInTheDark
Menhera girl
- Aug 3, 2021
- 70
Hello, my name is Lucía. I'm a transgender (MtF) girl. I like video games, anime and tinkering with computers.
I want to work as an IT support technician. I like to listen to synthpop and hyperpop and maybe some metal and grunge on the side.
I want to blossom and live one day, but I'm losing hope, that's why I'm here
I want to work as an IT support technician. I like to listen to synthpop and hyperpop and maybe some metal and grunge on the side.
I want to blossom and live one day, but I'm losing hope, that's why I'm here
justsayin
Member
- Jan 30, 2021
- 493
Not in my specific case. I lived in a country where education was free, managed to get a scholarship from the state, and have always loved Computer science. I also started dating a girl that turned out to be the love of my life, so the whole thing sounded promising. Couple of decades later, I'm here. Looking back, it seems that I would have ended up here regardless of choices I made.
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VoidDesirer22
A dream inside a locked room
- Sep 6, 2021
- 673
Please elaborate on why you think ending up here was inevitable? Just in your DNA?
Hi. I originally posted in recovery because that felt like the most appropriate place and I'd like to navigate this site with the utmost respect. I want to offer support to anyone interested in recovery. I am bipolar, I attempted suicide multiple times (I am grateful I failed), I was inpatient over Christmas awhile back when the floor was over capacity (so I didn't have a room, I was given a paper bag to carry the few items I was allowed to have) and I have a bachelors in philosophy. I think I have a unique perspective to offer on hope, how life can change, and what is within our control. I understand this is a pro choice space, and I think each person has the right to decide what to do with their bodies, especially in the select few cases where suicide can be rational. However, I think many people's lives can get better, and wanted to chat with anyone even a little curious about that journey.
justsayin
Member
- Jan 30, 2021
- 493
Something along those lines. I have been struggling since my teens, just like most of us here. They say that you have to play the hand you're dealt, and we all do. Then you come at an age when you realise that you have definetly lost, and that you never really had a chance of winning with the shitty hand you had. It's either that, or I'm just too deep in the final stage of grief, acceptance.
cambrai33
Traveller
- Nov 3, 2021
- 386
Thank you for being honest and for sharing that
maakies
DOOK
- Dec 7, 2021
- 132
Hello all,
I finally got accepted and might I say, I am excited to be apart of the SS community. I've had chronic suicidal ideation since I was a child. It is probably rooted in my inherited OCD and bipolar II among other psychiatric disorders. My father's OCD translated into being a very precise artist and engineer albeit controlling and angry, and for me, well... I just recite the same ol' words ad nauseum. You know the ones. As a child, I was in and out of counseling for threatening suicide around the age of 9. I've been hospitalized a few times for suicidality in my adult life. I've made several attempts outside of that by hanging, narcotics OD, and hanging out on ledges. In terms of meds, I've done pretty much every SSRI and SNRI you can think of. I love drugs. Especially psychedelics. I have started doing a lot more downers these days. I also like noisy music.
I finished college in a rocky 6 years and started working in the film and television industry. I am very active in a community of very successful artists and filmmakers. Despite the active social life and creative urban lifestyle, I've never not wanted to KMS. And I plan to one way or another.
I identify as nonbinary transmasculine (FTM) and I'm nearing 28 years old. I can't own a gun until I'm 31 for reasons above. Figures.
I finally got accepted and might I say, I am excited to be apart of the SS community. I've had chronic suicidal ideation since I was a child. It is probably rooted in my inherited OCD and bipolar II among other psychiatric disorders. My father's OCD translated into being a very precise artist and engineer albeit controlling and angry, and for me, well... I just recite the same ol' words ad nauseum. You know the ones. As a child, I was in and out of counseling for threatening suicide around the age of 9. I've been hospitalized a few times for suicidality in my adult life. I've made several attempts outside of that by hanging, narcotics OD, and hanging out on ledges. In terms of meds, I've done pretty much every SSRI and SNRI you can think of. I love drugs. Especially psychedelics. I have started doing a lot more downers these days. I also like noisy music.
I finished college in a rocky 6 years and started working in the film and television industry. I am very active in a community of very successful artists and filmmakers. Despite the active social life and creative urban lifestyle, I've never not wanted to KMS. And I plan to one way or another.
I identify as nonbinary transmasculine (FTM) and I'm nearing 28 years old. I can't own a gun until I'm 31 for reasons above. Figures.
Hi - I know I need to post on some forums in order to be able to private message folks. I am really concerned about privacy so am not into posting much about myself online. But I would like to be able to connect with the community. I'm 34 and I have wanted to ctb since age 12. I have tried tons of medications and therapies and treatment centers over the last 16 years, and I have lost hope that anything can help me. That's all I feel comfortable sharing for now.
uselesswaste
Member
- Dec 4, 2021
- 57
I feel the same. I have also been suicidal ever since I was 11, I can't share my personal details cause of privacy concerns, cause they already know my IP address. I wish I had that little hope I used to have.
Penda
Member
- Dec 9, 2021
- 8
Hello, my first day here. In my early 30s, cis straight male.
Been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts on and off for several years. Probably also ADHD, which can make life difficult sometimes. For example I dropped out of college three times before I finally graduated
.
I guess typically i don't like to be melodramatic or draw attention to myself, but maybe it's good sometimes to be able to vent about things and whatnot.
I've struggled with low self-esteem my whole life, always viewed myself as kinda inferior socially, felt like a nerdy awkward kid, and still have never had a girlfriend.
Recently moved to a new country, but after a couple months, I've fallen back into some of my depression habits, browsing the internet until 5 in the morning, sleeping in until it's already dark outside in the evening, eating lots of junk food, being socially isolated.
I've been alone so long, sometimes it feels like I've lost the ability to connect with people. For years I was proud of my ability to be independent and self-sufficient, but I think over the years I've become too alone, and feel like I've started to rot on the inside. But most of the times I don't even want to be around people, so it's kinda a self-fulfilling spiral.
I do enjoy being in nature, looking at the birds and trees, and getting away from the city noise. So maybe I should try to do that more often. Although lately it's been difficult for me just to have the motivation to get out of bed.
So yeah, I guess that's me haha
Been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts on and off for several years. Probably also ADHD, which can make life difficult sometimes. For example I dropped out of college three times before I finally graduated
. I guess typically i don't like to be melodramatic or draw attention to myself, but maybe it's good sometimes to be able to vent about things and whatnot.
I've struggled with low self-esteem my whole life, always viewed myself as kinda inferior socially, felt like a nerdy awkward kid, and still have never had a girlfriend.
Recently moved to a new country, but after a couple months, I've fallen back into some of my depression habits, browsing the internet until 5 in the morning, sleeping in until it's already dark outside in the evening, eating lots of junk food, being socially isolated.
I've been alone so long, sometimes it feels like I've lost the ability to connect with people. For years I was proud of my ability to be independent and self-sufficient, but I think over the years I've become too alone, and feel like I've started to rot on the inside. But most of the times I don't even want to be around people, so it's kinda a self-fulfilling spiral.
I do enjoy being in nature, looking at the birds and trees, and getting away from the city noise. So maybe I should try to do that more often. Although lately it's been difficult for me just to have the motivation to get out of bed.
So yeah, I guess that's me haha
SoulAsylum
><
- Dec 11, 2021
- 7
This is my first day here so I just wanted to say a quick hello.
For now I'm just evaluating this site before I begin posting anything deep or detailed. Hopefully this will be a place I can call "home" for the remainder of my existence.
Btw, thanks @ admin/mod/site owner for granting my admission.
Goodnight.
For now I'm just evaluating this site before I begin posting anything deep or detailed. Hopefully this will be a place I can call "home" for the remainder of my existence.
Btw, thanks @ admin/mod/site owner for granting my admission.
Goodnight.
YuckyDucky
Member
- Dec 10, 2021
- 39
Hello all. I'm a mid 30s, male, gay. Live alone in an apartment, no boyfriend or kids. College educated, employed in a decent wage position in an unrelated field. Close with my family. Raised Christian, but now not spiritual or religious at all. I don't believe there is a higher power beyond the laws of mathematics and sciences and believe when our bodies die, our "self" ceases to exist or have any awareness of what is or was.
I don't hate my life, but I don't really value it either. There are things I enjoy that I'm able to do frequently. I enjoy time with my parents and siblings and their families. But incredibly frustrated with life as well. Not much luck with relationships. While my job is respectable and pays decently, it isn't my passion and I'm in a bit of a rut professionally. I don't feel depressed per sae, just that continuing is pointless.
Ultimately, if I didn't exist, the world wouldn't notice. My family would grieve but they would move on as they have their own families to worry about. My boss would hire someone else who will do my job just as well as I ever did. My landlord would find a new tenant. And life would go on oblivious to my absence. And with that, my life loses all meaning. The only difference to the world if I die tomorrow vs in 50 years, is 50 fewer years of negative environmental impact from the things needed to sustain my life. So I'm indifferent at best toward the world, and the world is better without me. That makes the solution pretty obvious.
I have no immediate plans to do anything. But I absolutely believe any sound adult should have the right to decide to die, at the time and in the manner of their choosing. (with only a handful of exceptions, mainly methods that intentionally or negligently cause severe harm to others ie terrorism, causing an auto accident with another vehicle, etc) And that's why I'm here. To educate myself on my options, so if ctb turns out to be the best decision for me, I can carry it out the best way possible.
Obviously a very brief overview, but I look forward to sharing our journeys and some of the tips we learn along the way and hopefully find some peace with life one way or another.
I don't hate my life, but I don't really value it either. There are things I enjoy that I'm able to do frequently. I enjoy time with my parents and siblings and their families. But incredibly frustrated with life as well. Not much luck with relationships. While my job is respectable and pays decently, it isn't my passion and I'm in a bit of a rut professionally. I don't feel depressed per sae, just that continuing is pointless.
Ultimately, if I didn't exist, the world wouldn't notice. My family would grieve but they would move on as they have their own families to worry about. My boss would hire someone else who will do my job just as well as I ever did. My landlord would find a new tenant. And life would go on oblivious to my absence. And with that, my life loses all meaning. The only difference to the world if I die tomorrow vs in 50 years, is 50 fewer years of negative environmental impact from the things needed to sustain my life. So I'm indifferent at best toward the world, and the world is better without me. That makes the solution pretty obvious.
I have no immediate plans to do anything. But I absolutely believe any sound adult should have the right to decide to die, at the time and in the manner of their choosing. (with only a handful of exceptions, mainly methods that intentionally or negligently cause severe harm to others ie terrorism, causing an auto accident with another vehicle, etc) And that's why I'm here. To educate myself on my options, so if ctb turns out to be the best decision for me, I can carry it out the best way possible.
Obviously a very brief overview, but I look forward to sharing our journeys and some of the tips we learn along the way and hopefully find some peace with life one way or another.
kiuya
Tired
- Nov 16, 2021
- 92
Forgot to do this, hopefully I'm not too late.
F, from northern Europe. Huge crybaby. I've had suicidal thoughts most of my life, but I don't believe that I have depression. I do have major anxiety, 24/7 stress and loads of PTSD symptoms though, but I haven't ever visited a psychiatrist nor a therapist so take that with a grain of salt since I'm basically self diagnosing.
I like playing video games, my guitar and photography. I guess everyone says this, but music is a huge part of my life and it has helped me tremendously. I have fallen out a lot esp with photography and strumming my guitar and filled the void with browsing internet, hopefully I can get back on track when I get a vacation. I'm just so burnt out that I can't do anything productive outside of studying.
I don't have any friends other than my boyfriend, and I don't think that I've ever had a real friend, I suppose that's the reason why I'm here, just to talk to people and maybe make some friends along the way. Joining a Discord server would be pretty neat, if anyone has one of those.
Sorry if this one was a bit incoherent, I tried to keep it as short and simple as possible.
F, from northern Europe. Huge crybaby. I've had suicidal thoughts most of my life, but I don't believe that I have depression. I do have major anxiety, 24/7 stress and loads of PTSD symptoms though, but I haven't ever visited a psychiatrist nor a therapist so take that with a grain of salt since I'm basically self diagnosing.
I like playing video games, my guitar and photography. I guess everyone says this, but music is a huge part of my life and it has helped me tremendously. I have fallen out a lot esp with photography and strumming my guitar and filled the void with browsing internet, hopefully I can get back on track when I get a vacation. I'm just so burnt out that I can't do anything productive outside of studying.
I don't have any friends other than my boyfriend, and I don't think that I've ever had a real friend, I suppose that's the reason why I'm here, just to talk to people and maybe make some friends along the way. Joining a Discord server would be pretty neat, if anyone has one of those.
Sorry if this one was a bit incoherent, I tried to keep it as short and simple as possible.
creaturecomforts
everything hurts.
- Dec 11, 2021
- 12
Hi,
First of all, thanks to the mods/admins for accepting me into the site. I'm a person in my early 20s, I'm a part-time college student. I have severe untreated anxiety and depression, my self esteem is nonexistent, and my therapist has suggested I may be on the autism spectrum. My memory is fuzzy as to when my suicidal thoughts began, but it hasn't been since childhood. A few years, maybe. The pandemic and being trapped in my emotionally abusive childhood home has made it worse. I have no irl friends, no support group. I'd consider myself to be "tentatively suicidal" because my death anxiety has kept me from seriously considering it at the current time. I have to mention that I found this forum through the NYT article, but I have no ill will. I just happened to come across the article because, as a suicidal person, the title piqued my interest and they gave the name of the forum within the article itself. I thought I'd join this forum because I saw other people like me and it gave me hope. Maybe as help for my loneliness, or at least a place to vent safely. I'd like to try reaching out a little more to people who have similar struggles in life.
Other things about me that don't involve my mental demons would be that I enjoy drawing and writing, and I'm getting into music production (I downloaded FL Studio a few months ago but I'm still a noob at it). I also like gaming and I have an interest in cartoons.
Anyways, thanks for reading.
First of all, thanks to the mods/admins for accepting me into the site. I'm a person in my early 20s, I'm a part-time college student. I have severe untreated anxiety and depression, my self esteem is nonexistent, and my therapist has suggested I may be on the autism spectrum. My memory is fuzzy as to when my suicidal thoughts began, but it hasn't been since childhood. A few years, maybe. The pandemic and being trapped in my emotionally abusive childhood home has made it worse. I have no irl friends, no support group. I'd consider myself to be "tentatively suicidal" because my death anxiety has kept me from seriously considering it at the current time. I have to mention that I found this forum through the NYT article, but I have no ill will. I just happened to come across the article because, as a suicidal person, the title piqued my interest and they gave the name of the forum within the article itself. I thought I'd join this forum because I saw other people like me and it gave me hope. Maybe as help for my loneliness, or at least a place to vent safely. I'd like to try reaching out a little more to people who have similar struggles in life.
Other things about me that don't involve my mental demons would be that I enjoy drawing and writing, and I'm getting into music production (I downloaded FL Studio a few months ago but I'm still a noob at it). I also like gaming and I have an interest in cartoons.
Anyways, thanks for reading.
CrossroadsCurious
"Why do we do what we do?"
- Dec 12, 2021
- 671
Hi, read the NTY article and was drawn in. Currently recovering from a few years of severe depression due to a shitty marriage. Out of that situation now and with friends. Might talk more in depth one day if need be. Thanks for the membership approval.
Geturdone
Getting old ain't for sissies
- Dec 9, 2021
- 85
I pray she gives you strength as well. Peace be with you.
Good luck with whatever you decide. Pax.
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*Psyche*
Someday, I hope to see you in the light.
- Dec 10, 2021
- 57
Welcome! I love that you are a history buff & like to write about that type of fiction!! That is my JAM & I wish I could read it
Know that God's mercy is infinite. He sees you through the sacrifice that is His Son, Jesus Christ. The Church & the Bible may not sanction & actually condemn the act of ctb, but my belief is that neither know everything about what God forgives. I wish you peace & blessings ❤
Illcryaboutitlater
A Jigglypuff that lost her Mic
- Dec 11, 2021
- 43
Hi, when i get message privileges you cam ask for my name or you can call me puff, im a person with a few diagnosis and a few things i think i have im Demiro, grayace, bi, maybe a lesbian im still not sure yet and poly
I want to make my post tomorrow with everything that has made me not wanna keep going, the most recent thing is i cant find a job and i qm useless to my only partner i have right now, ive been in court, have it today at 230est for long story short im being persecuted for saying mean things to my last male ex partner and openly saying if he tried to force me to go to the hospital i would kill myself right there and then he lied and asid i tried to kill him which i never did so igs been a year and a half and im waiting to hear if its dismissed or if i have to go into my new year with more problems.
My mest friend CTB in February 2020 and it will be 2years soon i can't believe it, actually a lot of my close friends have so ive been building up to their courage for years now i feel like im ready o had a date last year on my bday but was told by a counselor to live for my crush so i did we went out bug she says she doesn't feel as strongly as i do about her "yet" she probably wont ever but im enjoying this 8 months we have had. We were friends for 10 years before she and my new puppy she got me are the only reason im here right now with the shit ive gont through since april, but after she said that i was already thinking i was going to CTB if i was going to jail and if i couldn't find a job but as an ace i have no sexual attraction to anyone but her and i just dont see this going forever Nd she has a boyfriend that is better suited to care for her needs, hes an artist who owns his osn home and rents out so they are set and im a highly educated bum.
I wrote my letters and revised them months ago probably should revise them again. I got so hopefull cause i had so many jobs during the pandemic that i thought that because i got away from my abusive ex that things were going to be different or better i tosses my stash of alprozolam i had accumulated for years just to have everything take a bad turn that april.
I obviously got here from NYTs thanks to their lack of smart approval of stories so they suck but i thank them for thei stupidity im looking through everything and have been for two days and now i actually know a better way im suope upset i didn't know about this in 2018 though i would be put off and was watching 1000 ways to die for examples cause i couldn't search
I want to make my post tomorrow with everything that has made me not wanna keep going, the most recent thing is i cant find a job and i qm useless to my only partner i have right now, ive been in court, have it today at 230est for long story short im being persecuted for saying mean things to my last male ex partner and openly saying if he tried to force me to go to the hospital i would kill myself right there and then he lied and asid i tried to kill him which i never did so igs been a year and a half and im waiting to hear if its dismissed or if i have to go into my new year with more problems.
My mest friend CTB in February 2020 and it will be 2years soon i can't believe it, actually a lot of my close friends have so ive been building up to their courage for years now i feel like im ready o had a date last year on my bday but was told by a counselor to live for my crush so i did we went out bug she says she doesn't feel as strongly as i do about her "yet" she probably wont ever but im enjoying this 8 months we have had. We were friends for 10 years before she and my new puppy she got me are the only reason im here right now with the shit ive gont through since april, but after she said that i was already thinking i was going to CTB if i was going to jail and if i couldn't find a job but as an ace i have no sexual attraction to anyone but her and i just dont see this going forever Nd she has a boyfriend that is better suited to care for her needs, hes an artist who owns his osn home and rents out so they are set and im a highly educated bum.
I wrote my letters and revised them months ago probably should revise them again. I got so hopefull cause i had so many jobs during the pandemic that i thought that because i got away from my abusive ex that things were going to be different or better i tosses my stash of alprozolam i had accumulated for years just to have everything take a bad turn that april.
I obviously got here from NYTs thanks to their lack of smart approval of stories so they suck but i thank them for thei stupidity im looking through everything and have been for two days and now i actually know a better way im suope upset i didn't know about this in 2018 though i would be put off and was watching 1000 ways to die for examples cause i couldn't search
*Psyche*
Someday, I hope to see you in the light.
- Dec 10, 2021
- 57
Greetings. I am almost 45-years-old & have had major depressive disorder for almost my entire life. I can recall having my first major episode at the age of 10 & recurring suicidal ideations & attempts since then. Therapy, medications & all the typical treatments have not made a significant impact. I haven't tried anything like ETC, or MCS... but I don't have high hopes for those methods either.
I found out there is genetic component of medication resistant MDD in my family & I'm fairly certain that's why I have such intense & complicated depression. I also suffer from anxiety, PTSD, & Adult ADD. Physical illnesses, not to be addressed (which are significant & many), are just additional complications to my mental health conditions.
I'm divorced but currently living with a friend who is aware of my mental status about 90% of the time. I have no children, just several siblings that don't seem to give a crap about me. Friends... maybe a handful & no one (now) I can be absolutely frank & honest with about my feelings of ctb. The one I did have passed from natural causes about a week ago.
My life consists of the same things every day - maybe interrupted by a doctors appointment every so often. But it's no life at all, really. I try to be grateful for the things in my life, because I KNOW life could be SO MUCH WORSE for me. But sometimes depression is just an awful monster that takes over my whole life.
TBH IDK if I will ever do anything to CTB. I've been extremely close before. I had EVERYTHING but my final arrangements planned out. The place, the method, the time, how not to get caught/stopped. I wrote my goodbyes. I compiled all my financial information. Then, there was one last thing... The day I was on my way to a funeral home to make arrangements & pay for my own funeral, something stopped me & I didn't go through with it. After that I struggled with the thoughts but they eventually abated.
So, even if I never get to that point again, I want to be supportive of others. I want to be able to talk about ctb matter-of-factly without feeling like I'm some morbid freak. And if I do, one day, feel like ctb... I want to have people in my life who understand & support me too.
Well, that's pretty much it. I'm here to listen & offer advice (but only if you want it). Peace, solace & respite to all.
*Psyche*
I found out there is genetic component of medication resistant MDD in my family & I'm fairly certain that's why I have such intense & complicated depression. I also suffer from anxiety, PTSD, & Adult ADD. Physical illnesses, not to be addressed (which are significant & many), are just additional complications to my mental health conditions.
I'm divorced but currently living with a friend who is aware of my mental status about 90% of the time. I have no children, just several siblings that don't seem to give a crap about me. Friends... maybe a handful & no one (now) I can be absolutely frank & honest with about my feelings of ctb. The one I did have passed from natural causes about a week ago.
My life consists of the same things every day - maybe interrupted by a doctors appointment every so often. But it's no life at all, really. I try to be grateful for the things in my life, because I KNOW life could be SO MUCH WORSE for me. But sometimes depression is just an awful monster that takes over my whole life.
TBH IDK if I will ever do anything to CTB. I've been extremely close before. I had EVERYTHING but my final arrangements planned out. The place, the method, the time, how not to get caught/stopped. I wrote my goodbyes. I compiled all my financial information. Then, there was one last thing... The day I was on my way to a funeral home to make arrangements & pay for my own funeral, something stopped me & I didn't go through with it. After that I struggled with the thoughts but they eventually abated.
So, even if I never get to that point again, I want to be supportive of others. I want to be able to talk about ctb matter-of-factly without feeling like I'm some morbid freak. And if I do, one day, feel like ctb... I want to have people in my life who understand & support me too.
Well, that's pretty much it. I'm here to listen & offer advice (but only if you want it). Peace, solace & respite to all.
*Psyche*
Hi all,
Getting to know the site and grateful for what I've seen so far. I'm in my mid 40s, married, two young daughters, externally successful, internally not so great. I've had mild suicidal thoughts since my teens, much more intense over the past couple of years. I don't think I really want to ctb, however I'm well aware of statistics and sometimes feel hopeless and like I've failed. I think my most painful moments are as a dad and trying to help my kids with their feelings while I'm barely managing my own. My dad was never in my life and I feel lost in those moments.
thanks y'all for being here and the honesty
Getting to know the site and grateful for what I've seen so far. I'm in my mid 40s, married, two young daughters, externally successful, internally not so great. I've had mild suicidal thoughts since my teens, much more intense over the past couple of years. I don't think I really want to ctb, however I'm well aware of statistics and sometimes feel hopeless and like I've failed. I think my most painful moments are as a dad and trying to help my kids with their feelings while I'm barely managing my own. My dad was never in my life and I feel lost in those moments.
thanks y'all for being here and the honesty
Geturdone
Getting old ain't for sissies
- Dec 9, 2021
- 85
Hello and hola! First, I'm thankful to have found this place and have been touched by many of the stories I've read and blown away by the kindness and compassion I've seen displayed. I'm here for education mainly and maybe a little support. My personal story may be a bit different since I've enjoyed a wonderful life and family for the most part. I've been terribly lonely since my wife died four years ago. We would have been married forty-eight years on February 14th .... Yes, Valentine's Day. Neither of us expected her to die first but here I am. I'm nearly 72 now and have suffered physically since eighteen after getting injured in Vietnam. Three years ago I lost my left lung due to the effects of breathing Agent Orange 50 years ago. My right lung is in bad shape too and I'm on a home ventilator. I'm totally homebound and dependent upon my grown children to handle things like buying groceries, etc. At least I'm not in a care home yet and I do not wish to live with either of my daughters although I'm welcome. I'm secure in my home and financially ok.
Here's my situation ... If I allow things to run their natural course I will end up in hospice care with multiple hospitalizations and die a slow, miserable and painful death. Even now, I often get the feeling of suffocation. I cannot tell you how I hate it and am always concerned I may not recover and be headed to the ER again .
I've actually been planning my exit for over a year; all the legal stuff is complete, letters are written, yada yada yada. However, my kids do not know my plan or my motivation. I'm not afraid to die. That's the next step in life. I only want my death to be quick and hopefully near painless. I don't want to suffer and NONE REPEAT NONE of my doctors are will to help me avoid the suffering. Oh yes, they offer hospice but I don't want that either. We, as a family, did that with my wife who died of cancer and it was a terrible experience and she often begged me to end her pain. In the end even morphine and ketamine didn't help. It was especially difficult for my daughters, watching their mother die a little every day and being powerless.
I'm going to demand my right to die in a manner of my choosing. Yet, I want my suicide to be successful on the first attempt and hopefully in a way that suicide is not obvious. I think that would hurt my daughters greatly although I think they may understand eventually.
I've skimmed the PPH and will read it more thoroughly. I've already noted I have prescriptions that will aid me eventually so the resources here have been great. The greatest resource, however, is the people and I've noted a few I hope to know better. Conversely, I've also noted a couple of folks who seem to be total assholes. I'd wager that's due to their personal pain. To you I would say that I hope you can find some level of peace and that pain subsides. Best wishes to you all. Pax.
Here's my situation ... If I allow things to run their natural course I will end up in hospice care with multiple hospitalizations and die a slow, miserable and painful death. Even now, I often get the feeling of suffocation. I cannot tell you how I hate it and am always concerned I may not recover and be headed to the ER again .
I've actually been planning my exit for over a year; all the legal stuff is complete, letters are written, yada yada yada. However, my kids do not know my plan or my motivation. I'm not afraid to die. That's the next step in life. I only want my death to be quick and hopefully near painless. I don't want to suffer and NONE REPEAT NONE of my doctors are will to help me avoid the suffering. Oh yes, they offer hospice but I don't want that either. We, as a family, did that with my wife who died of cancer and it was a terrible experience and she often begged me to end her pain. In the end even morphine and ketamine didn't help. It was especially difficult for my daughters, watching their mother die a little every day and being powerless.
I'm going to demand my right to die in a manner of my choosing. Yet, I want my suicide to be successful on the first attempt and hopefully in a way that suicide is not obvious. I think that would hurt my daughters greatly although I think they may understand eventually.
I've skimmed the PPH and will read it more thoroughly. I've already noted I have prescriptions that will aid me eventually so the resources here have been great. The greatest resource, however, is the people and I've noted a few I hope to know better. Conversely, I've also noted a couple of folks who seem to be total assholes. I'd wager that's due to their personal pain. To you I would say that I hope you can find some level of peace and that pain subsides. Best wishes to you all. Pax.
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cambrai33
Traveller
- Nov 3, 2021
- 386
Welcome
My father relationship was not dissimilar, you should feel proud that you are the dad to your kids that yours wasn't to you. Sometimes the emotion is better described as I don't want to live but I don't want to die by my own hands. For example I would love to get run over by a bus but don't fancy throwing myself under one if that makes sense. Another way of explaining it is that I value everyone's life above my own and would take the pain/death instead of them.
Be kind to yourself
Pax
That moved me, I really feel for the place you have found yourself. If ever I saw a candidate for self determination on how things should end it's you.
I hope things aren't too uncomfortable for you and I am humbled by what you have shared
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Geturdone
Getting old ain't for sissies
- Dec 9, 2021
- 85
Thanks, you're very kind. Peace be with you too.
Hope you find what you seek. I've always heard that when the student is ready the teacher appears.
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stellabelle
ethereal
- Dec 14, 2018
- 3,919
Hi.
I've been here for years now.
I've tried in every way possible and been thrown to a curb.
I hate life and everything in it.
Selfish people.
People with a false sense of importance.
People that "speak for" me instead of "to me."
People that believe their own lies, or lies constructed by others.
People who tell us to just work really really hard so we get nowhere.
People who ignore us.
People who "make decisions" for me, when it is not their choice to make.
People who say it's okay that they do this.
I see it coming from miles in the distance but unfortunately there is no negotiating with or "fixing" stupid.
I hold all of those grudges because of what those people did to me, and what they did to others.
I've been here for years now.
I've tried in every way possible and been thrown to a curb.
I hate life and everything in it.
Selfish people.
People with a false sense of importance.
People that "speak for" me instead of "to me."
People that believe their own lies, or lies constructed by others.
People who tell us to just work really really hard so we get nowhere.
People who ignore us.
People who "make decisions" for me, when it is not their choice to make.
People who say it's okay that they do this.
I see it coming from miles in the distance but unfortunately there is no negotiating with or "fixing" stupid.
I hold all of those grudges because of what those people did to me, and what they did to others.
cambrai33
Traveller
- Nov 3, 2021
- 386
Can't really answer any of that, I don't have the answers but…
I am sorry this is the way life has played out for you and please try and be kind to yourself
emmarg
Member
- Dec 10, 2021
- 36
Hi, I'm mid 20s, almost a lawyer. Been this way since I was 13. Can't stop.
Geturdone
Getting old ain't for sissies
- Dec 9, 2021
- 85
Can I ask what kept you going? I'm faxing depression right now and meds aren't helping much.
*Psyche*
Someday, I hope to see you in the light.
- Dec 10, 2021
- 57
I couldn't leave my dog & I couldn't find a way to take her with me. We only had each other. So, in effect she saved my life. When she passed 5 years later, it wrecked my world & I've been on a suicidal roller-coaster ever since (even though I have new dogs
).I wish I had more advice for you, friend. Try to find something with purpose or meaning in your life & focus on that. It's the only way I make it through a day at a time... sometimes hour by hour. (Hugs)
