Introduce yourself

[HomesickAlien]

Long time lurker as you can see by my join date. I have felt too anxious to say anything so far. I finally got around to making my first comment because I think I have recently reached a point of no return and the CTB thing is feeling more real than ever.
43 year old guy here, have had suicidal thoughts since my early teens. Now suicidal is my default mood and my non-suicidal moments are rare and getting rarer. I'm waiting for some paperwork to be sorted out and for the moment when I can gather a little energy to clean out my house.
I have spent decades being treated for depression and social anxiety when the real, underlying issues I had were undiagnosed Aspergers' and a number of non-psychiatric conditions. I have always been too anxious to enjoy my best times, and years and years of psych meds have not helped. They probably caused some cognitive deterioration and more non-psychiatric issues. The few good times I have don't really feel good anymore, just flat, while my shitty job (I once had a real, decent-paying career and I lost it for my failure to correctly identify and treat my issues) and chores are exhausting, horrible, relentless, meaningless crap.

 

[chainsofjudecca]

Hello I'm a twenty-four year old person suffering from autism (not implying its a problem/disease, just for me and me only) and chronic illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at nine years old and I have severe trauma stemming from my childhood/adolescence. I've always felt like I didn't have a place in this world so you could say suicide has always been on my mind. I have been through many failed attempts (most chickened out, and a few saved in the nick of time) and am now reaching a point where I'm certain CTB will be my exit from this realm. I'm trying to come to terms with death but lately I've been assuaged with doubt thanks to my formerly religious background! I'm just glad there is a place I can share my thoughts without judgement!

 

[OrcWitch]

Hello. My diagnoses are clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder and ptsd. I have had suicidal thoughts since my mid teens. A psychologist told me in 2012 that due to factors of my early childhood and development period, I have a permanent broken part of my personality. She said I can't fix it or make it go away, merely manage it and prevent it from harming my life or others. She said I have an "emotional deficit". Past the age of 25 it has become much easier to manage. I was essentially living as a hikikomori in 2016/2017, but am past those anxieties and can go out in public now. Still I am quite sad and mentally ill. I am in low spirits but am trying, though I don't know if I'm going to live my full life out.

I have been less willing to speak about my suicidal thoughts because I am afraid to go back to the mental hospital, but I am experiencing them badly this year. I try not to make sweeping statements about people, institutions, ideas etc. but I feel like the more vehement anti-suicide people who just want to "help" us actually just ignore our concerns/pains/worries, declare us mentally sick and irrational, lock us up and throw away the key. But I am biased about this. Anyway I want to talk to likeminded people and be in a supportive space, as I feel like there are no other place to speak honestly and without judgement or overreaction. I also do not want to burden my internet friends with how I am feeling. I have known about this forum for a bit now. Because I cannot legally purchase a firearm due to my mental health history, I have 2 different methods to CTB I learned from here that I can easily achieve. In some roundabout way, the peace in knowing how easily I could achieve death if necessary makes me feel less desperate about it.

I am in my late 20s and started college later in life, if I complete it I will be in my early 30s by graduation. I like video games, currently I am playing oldschool runescape, crusader kings 3, and have been getting in cataclysm: dda(I had a much easier time in build E than the current version, and feel very bad at it again). I also like anime. When I am acutely suicidal and don't feel like I can derive joy from anything, I am always comforted by marathoning a light hearted series. I like also like cooking, riding my bike, keeping a journal, writing, talking to friends, exercise, and other little things I try to do to not feel awful. I had one irl friend I met in this little town but she moved away.

I look forward to posting with others here, thank you.

 

[acirclewithnocenter]

Hi, I'm 22 and a fucking mess. I have been dealing with depression since high school and I'm just tired. I'm tired of everything, nothing gives me joy. And I've tried my best to get out of this hole but I just can't. I can't and I'm tired. I want to close my eyes and never wake up.

 

[B18]

Hi all
Im 34 m, who had a good life for the most part, and since 2020 everything went downhill...I am constantly failling whatever i do to make me better, and i am getting very very tired, i like life, but apparently it doesnt like me haha...either way i lurked this forum for some time, and it gave me feeling that i am not alone in this, and i have a way out of this missery when eventualy i wont have any strenght to keep up with this worlds bs.
Thanks for this forum creator and community for having me

 

[Ladytears]

Hi

I'm 28 years old and I have depression and border since 7 years old. I'm so tired, so stressd out, so depress... I have no hopeless anymore. I'm tryin' to ctb since I was a little girl. I just wanna find peace or just sleep forever.

(I'm sorry for my english is not so good)

 

[johnbooster]

Hi,

I'm a 30yo guy and I like a lot of stuff. The problem is, I don't enjoy any of them since several months.

 

[Tav]

Hello I'm a twenty-four year old person suffering from autism (not implying its a problem/disease, just for me and me only) and chronic illness. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at nine years old and I have severe trauma stemming from my childhood/adolescence. I've always felt like I didn't have a place in this world so you could say suicide has always been on my mind. I have been through many failed attempts (most chickened out, and a few saved in the nick of time) and am now reaching a point where I'm certain CTB will be my exit from this realm. I'm trying to come to terms with death but lately I've been assuaged with doubt thanks to my formerly religious background! I'm just glad there is a place I can share my thoughts without judgement!

Hi welcome to the forum, I too suffer from autism and depression if you are lonely you can send me pm

 

[ophelia_]

I have been lurking a short while. I am from the UK, I have BPD and l can relate to all the comments and feelings here. I'm seriously considering ctb options right now and wanted to find a place to share my feelings without judgement like others have said.

 

[Lauralyn]

I just joined. I'm turning 33 now and have been going through something shitty for around 5 years now. I'm usually a pretty positive person I just did something I shouldnt have I guess and I really don't have the luxury of anonymity so it wouldn't be too bad if everyone didn't know about it. I don't really have any enjoyable hobbies anymore to make me happy. Everywhere I go I get told to leave and people don't want me there. Also got over some health issues five years ago which were bad enough to kill myself over plus I couldn't leave the house so one thing follows another. Really emotionally I handle things better than others just my situation is such that it doesn't matter much.
I like helping people and talking about my problems and how I overcame stuff because I feel maybe it will help someone so they feel like they have permission to get better but now I just feel like a fraud and whatever I say is meaningless and my purpose is taken away from me. Growing up I had a lot of social anxiety and shame for being the bad kid of my sisters also I suspect developmental delays and I know one of my prescribers did too anyway I actually have a lot of love in me for other people and feel kind of guilty for being here. I hope people can recover the best they can with whatever illness or events caused them to be here. I hate seeing people going through this stuff. I spend most my time in a nursing home for mentally I'll people all I really do is smoke, browse social media and lately I've been doing this game called freerice to help feed the poor. Something to do to make up for my badness I guess.

 

[Kaisler]

I just joined here, was a bit anxious thinking that my application would get denied. Hi there people

 

[Molded foundation]

I came here seeking insight in helping get better. I'm in my 20s and I feel beat up by every thing that enters my life. I spend 14 hours a day asleep and I just want to lie in bed and rot. Everyday feels like a hassle to just be awake. I haven't left the house in 6 years. Days are just a blur and everything has no attachment to me. I can't make anything stick. They should just bury me alive for my sloth lifestyle.
Edit: I need to proof read my posts, holy cow

 

[odradek]

Hi all I used to be a member of this site but left to ctb. I obviously failed and am now back with my life continuing to deteriorate.

 

[existtosuffer]

31 y/o Male. I suffer with Bipolar disorder, Anxiety & Chronic pain. I tried to ctb in a car crash 11 years ago but survived, which is why I have chronic pain instead.

I've suffered with anxiety & depression for years but masked it with drugs & alcohol.

I stopped drinking but still had a tendency to use psychedelics to help with my depression & anxiety. Even went to the jungle to do Ayahausca but it just didn't help.

I've recently been diagnosed as Bipolar which coincides with the last 4 years where my life slowly began to deteriorate. I haven't had a job in nearly 3 years.

Knowing I'll have to live this way for the next 30/40 years keeps me thinking about suicide regularly. I find it comforting that I can at least speak about my problems more openly here without the stigma that is associated with suicide.

 

[ratpudding]

I'm 25, very mentally ill (ADHD, Bipolar, Depression, Anxiety, Autism, PTSD and Panic Disorder)
I was abused by one parent from age 3-12, then neglected by the other from age 6-19 (when I officially stopped viewing her as a mother)
I was bullied in school from kindergarten until I dropped out after 10th grade because it was either that or... the reason I'm here, I guess.
I've been conscious of being suicidal since I was 9 years old, and my dad used forced psychiatric hospitalization as a punishment for fighting back against him until I managed to get myself away from him, because CPS and the court system weren't doing anything for me.
I have a small support system (only 5 people; 3 friends, my grandmother and my boyfriend) who I stay alive for. It's really the only thing holding me back at this point, along with not wanting to give my parents the ability to use it for endless pity and attention for themselves even though I havent talked to either of them in years.
I tend to overshare and ramble, which I guess is already obvious.

 

[Wyvrn]

Uhm, hello everyone

I'm 27, girl, autistic (seems there are plenty of us here), a loser, depressed and anxious since I can recall. Bad daughter, bad sister, bad aunt. No friends, recently ended a relationship.

I love videogames, anime/manga, music and idk, sometimes I draw. But, well, there are periods when I can't enjoy anything and I guess now is one of those. Life is a struggle and I'm so tired.

I'm from Chile, I would like to talk with someone in spanish (just because it's easier for me to express myself).

 

[Following Enoch]

Hello, I just joined yesterday. I am a 45 year old male that lives in the UK. I am not depressed, in fact while I've had bouts of mild depression during my life (nothing ever suicidal) I've never felt more self-confident and content then I do now. However I do not feel confident about where the world is heading and I want to be ready to CTB before I suffer at the hands of a fallen society. I am treating this as a purely pragmatic matter. I don't want to die but I don't want to suffer either; just like I'm sure those who jumped from the burning World Trade Centre didn't want to die. They simply chose the less painful option. That is what I'm planning to do too.

So I may be hanging here for some time, but when the moment arrives, I want to check-out my way. This is why I've named myself "Following Enoch". I'm a Christian and believe in the God of the Bible (and no, I don't want to have a debate over it) and I think a lot about the character Enoch who was surrounded by so much wickedness that God transferred him from this world to spare him from the hands of his enemy. Well even though suicide is meant to be a spiritual sin, I take comfort from that example and conclude that a loving, merciful God won't condemn me for following suit.

I am impressed by the community that I've seen in this forum and hope to get help to carry out my plans and also offer support wherever I can. I intend to only show love and respect and look forward to receiving it too.

Uhm, hello everyone

I'm 27, girl, autistic (seems there are plenty of us here), a loser, depressed and anxious since I can recall. Bad daughter, bad sister, bad aunt. No friends, recently ended a relationship.

I love videogames, anime/manga, music and idk, sometimes I draw. But, well, there are periods when I can't enjoy anything and I guess now is one of those. Life is a struggle and I'm so tired.

I'm from Chile, I would like to talk with someone in spanish (just because it's easier for me to express myself).

Hablo español. No es mi lengua materna pero lo he aprendido. No se precisamente como podemos charlar pero estoy abierto a diferentes ideas. Cuidate mucho

 

[Imthevillain]

Hello I feel so lucky to have been led to this site. One thing is that I do I feel some relief in having read of new ways to actually end things effectively. I have very much been struggling w that. Also tho it will be nice to chat w ppl who actually understand that sometimes life is just more than a soul can bear. I'm happy to come here and not be judged or asked to change my mind. I really look forward to chatting w you guys.

 

[feggut]

Its interesting to me that a forum like this is allowed to exist.

27M. After a decade+ struggle enduring severe chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME) I finally decided to give up. Cognitive decline has only progressively worsened over time, to the point where even the simplest tasks have become nigh impossible. My country's medical system is a pathetic joke. I've honestly tried all there is, but there's no hope. This condition is a life sentence, has utterly destroyed my prime years as a youth and soured any potential for a future. And despite having a legitimate diagnosis, nobody takes the condition seriously still. At this point I don't have any fight left within me, I'm just a husk of a person - a mere shadow of what I once was. I'm through with being dismissed, ignored, mislabeled, mocked. There is truly nothing worse than losing your intellect, and nobody understands or cares until it happens to them.
I'm at peace with my decision, as I'm fully aware that there's no other way. I've lived a full enough life (in spite of my condition) to be content with my time alive. Like this I'm just a pissing and shitting oxygen sucking thing, leeching off family and society with no purpose and nothing left to offer.

No idea why I felt compelled to write in here.

 

[intothenight]

Hello, I'm a 40-year old male from Germany, still getting to grips with this forum :D (I feel like one thing this site really needs is an explanation of terms... lots of abbreviations that I've never come across)

I'm not acutely suicidal, but since my first attempt ten years ago it's something that has been constantly stuck at the back of my mind, like a go-to response when life throws me a curveball... and boy does it.
I don't know exactly why I'm here... feel like I'm not welcome on this site, which is stupid of course, but I always feel like I'm not welcome anywhere. I guess maybe I just feel the need to talk to people... it doesn't even have to be about this particular subject, but if might feel good not having to hide it, you know?

I feel like this post is pretty rambling, but it's hard for me to talk about... none of you know me, but still, opening up about myself is extremely hard. I might have some form of social anxiety, I'm not sure. It might just be that I'm so used to pretending I'm someone I'm not that it's frightening to take of that mask.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. If anyone wants to talk, don't be afraid to message me if you like.

 

[AntHydra]

A welcome thread! Hello everyone. I'm AntHydra. They/them pronouns please. I'm 19 years old and from Germany, a university student who lives with their parents.
I'm probably autistic and definitely depressed. I have an eating disorder called ARFID, so I don't get much joy out of food and embarrass myself when I'm forced to go out to eat.
My main hobby has been drawing for a long time, though I've barely been able to draw anything in the last two months. I like to design characters and give them life in my head - that is also my main coping mechanism. I used to like writing, too, but I've been useless at it for a while. Further, I've always liked videogames. Lately, the only thing I've been playing is Genshin Impact though, that open-world gacha game. Say about it what you will, it is an amazing way to distract from ctb thoughts. I watch documentaries a lot, but haven't been able to get myself to read a lot, even though I've always loved reading (my favourite fiction author is Terry Pratchett).

I'm an atheist, socialist, very adamant about social justice for queer people and people of colour, intellectually very concerned about climate change, fascism and all political topics that are relevant today, though emotionally there are more immediate issues for me.

I've been having suicidal thoughts for a long time, even though objectively speaking my life isn't that bad at all. I am immensely privileged, and I am intelligent, but I nonetheless feel there is no reason for me to be alive at all. I don't have true ambitions or joys and haven't had any for a long time. I've always been a social outcast of the weird and aggressive variety, though now all aggression is gone from me. At age 12, and I am not sure how relevant exactly that is to my emotional and mental state, I was groomed and sexually abused by an older teen over the internet. I got out of that on my own somehow, though, and spent many months afterward in disgust.

I spend most of my time apathetic and almost unable to function For a while, for two very sweet years between 2018 and 2020, I could curb those thoughts by convincing myself I could live for the few friends I have, my best friend, and the love and joy we shared and didn't really need anything besides. It was true, by the way. In that time, I actually was happy, even productive. But since then, those friendships have disintegrated heavily, though they technically aren't entirely gone. I have spent the last year crying almost every single day. Though I attempted to make things better many times, and even though it sometimes seemed to go better, it always ends up terribly in the end, and after a year of just this and many years of similar trials, I am incredibly tired of it.

I didn't attend online classes last summer semester because I felt so ill the entire time. Now the new semester is coming soon and I don't feel ready to go at all. I think I would break down in class multiple times. I would rather ctb before that, really, but it probably won't happen.

The only thing I really want to do before I go is finish a birthday drawing I promised a friend. I haven't been able to due to immense art block, but I believe he deserves that.

That was quite the introduction, and I probably forgot something important. Sorry about that. I'm glad I'm here though. I'm glad I can say all these things.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Hi, I'm 20 years old from Europe and have been suicidal since 11. I always knew there was something wrong with life. I dealt with bullying, abusive parents, heartbreak, fake friendships and relationships which turned me into a misanthrope. I find solace in antinatalism philosophy and alcohol. I'm glad that a safe space like this site exists where you can speak your mind without being insulted or getting thrown at generic, overly optimistic and thoughtless ''advice''.

 

[Imthevillain]

This is my second post on this thread lol I'm just having a really rough night. I'm a 42 yo female. I have a few conditions, but I think the ones killing me are my bpd, bipolar 1 and anxiety disorder. I feel like ever since the onset of my conditions, which seemed to become prevalent after my mom's passing, I've really just been sinking deeper and deeper. I really want to set myself free. Guilt and fear are my biggest obstacles. I just feel so alone in this and I guess this is kind of just a lonesome thing, but I just wish I had someone to talk to. Maybe someone feels similarly? It would be nice to just chat wo feeling guilty or the other person feeling the need to try and save me. I just feel so lost in anguish and despair. I thought maybe someone might understand and be looking for the same.

 

[right:sun]

Hello everyone.
I am a 25 yo female from Europe. It feels comforting to find a place like this.
I have been suicidal for as long as I can remember. I dislike life a lot. I dislike being myself. I find most things to be pretty difficult. It is always dark. Always a struggle.

How does a person know who they are? I feel confused most of the time, anyways.
I like to read books and take walks, although I am not able to do any of those at this moment.
Life is lonely.

 

[RudolphTheReindeer]

Hello everyone! I'm 28M, been dealing with mental health issues for years. It's great to find a website where like-minded people can communicate openly.

 

[Papaver]

Hello. I'm a 27 yo female from the US. I've been depressed since my early teens, but have been suicidal for a decade.
I'm a bit of a nihilist, which may explain why I see no point of living, but I have no one to talk with about such matters in my everyday life, which is why I'm grateful to have come across this website!

 

[thepushover]

hello ! i'm 18 and i suffer from schizophrenia and am looking for a diagnosis for potential OCD as well as autism. i hope to come here and maybe share things that have been left unsaid, try to word abstract feelings and share my own art. whether i "fit in" or not i've always made this place sort of a last resort for when all my hope is truly gone due to being a seemingly judgement-free zone, so i want to find some sort of comfort while i can. i may make a lot of typos at times due to shaky hands and overall anxiety. other than all that i just draw, game and listen to music all day.

 

[Shadowplay]

Male, 38 from Melbourne, Australia. I've wanted to CTB pretty much as long as I can remember. I saw an amazing psychoanalyst in 2009-10 and I thought I was gunna be ok, but I slid back. I'm immune to so much, but I just want it to be ok. Sick and tired of being sick and tired (to steal a phrase). Nothing in this world appeals to me more than oblivion does. It is not that I think the world would be bettr off without me, but rather that I would be better off without the world. Happy to speak to other Australians.

 

[dorothea]

Hi. I'm 26, female, living in Europe. I have BPD so yeah life sucks. Have been seeing psychiatrists and therapists for ~4 years and it hasn't gotten any better. I feel like the only thing that would make me happy is being in a relationship, which is exactly why I shouldn't be in one. I'm tired of the mood swings, the emptiness, the loneliness and the guilt.

 

[HYMMYH]

Oi, tô em uma fase ruim que não tem fim, espero encontrar alguém para conversar
Venho pensando no ctb com Sn mas ainda não posso fazer isso sem programar melhor
Procuro com quem conversar sobre
Encontrar Ss foi como mergulhar em um mar de informações