Introduce yourself

[Ren Elsie Jewelria]

Hello to you all,
I am Ren Elsie Jewelria. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I"m too paranoid to reveal my age, gender, real name, and country of origin. Sorry.
I hope it's not a problem and I'll enjoy my stay here.

 

[Failedboy]

Hi Everyone, thank you for the opportunity to be here and talk with like-minded people. I have been visiting this site for few months and finally decided to join. I am 34/M from Eastern Europe. Multiple reasons brought me here, I am completely lost and depressed. Day by day it's getting worse but I have not decided to ctb yet. Still I can see a chance to change my mind even it's very little now. I do hope to find here a lot of people to provide me with hope and support, whatever my final decision is.

 

[SunnyPotato]

Hello everyone!
I somehow just joined now, though I've lurked for a bit and been wishing I had to courage to ctb for some time. I've had a few half-assed uninformed attempts landing me in psych hospitals and plenty of little "well maybe this will work," poorly planned/executed tries at ctb that result in long sleeps or stupid injuries that I have to conceal from those around me. My life recently took a turn for the worse and I'm feeling really grateful to have you all + have this forum as a resource, whether I can hop on the bus soon or just keep hanging around the bus stop but with some information and community. I have treatment resistant depression, adhd, severe anxiety/panic, and some lingering disordered eating, as well as the "mood disorder" vague af diagnosis that comes and goes depending on the doc diagnosing. I'm a 27 nonbinary femme (they/them or she/her pronouns both cool with me) from the US, this past birthday felt like it might be my last but that's maybe due to some silly romanticizing of the "27 club." But Damn, this year is really going hard, huh?

Things were pretty chill til my late teens then pretty UNchill around age 20, but that's how it goes for a lot of us, right? I had a "bright future" and big dreams and plans, but that's long gone. The past couple years I've been able to add chronic pain to the roster, could be from Lyme disease, or something else, or psychosomatic (LOL it's very real, but that's what I've been told.) I can't function enough to get it sorted out and have had too many bad experiences with doctors to even want to try and figure out what's wrong physically, even though the pain is unbearable. I can't work and have been fully dependent on my partner but I'm feeling like he really isn't into the relationship anymore and dammit, it's hard as hell for me to not push people away or at least isolate and insulate. And he's now in some bullshit legal trouble now so he might be locked up soon anyway, and we're set to be homeless in two weeks. I never felt like I had it together, but it's falling apart more and more. I don't have friends anymore, can't be bothered to uphold relationships anyway.

I don't know how I've made it this far but it might not be much longer, as everyday is a dumpster fire on both the micro and macro level. Been experimenting with night night method but having trouble getting it right, or I might go for a partial/a combo of the two. Not quite ready to ctb just yet it seems, or at least not strong enough to overcome SI. Anyway, thanks for this community, I really appreciate you all and hope your pain ceases, one way or another. Thanks for reading.

 

[foxdie]

Hello all this my first week on SS. I've been lurking for months when I was researching ctb methods and now I'm here. Now my phone autocorrects "ctb", "sn", etc... Lol. This is a very supportive community imo

 

[Mafe]

Hola, tengo 21 años. Tengo mi vida destrozada por causa de un amor, me utilizaron y desecharon. No veo futuro tranquilo para mi vida. Si no me siento amada, para que sirve vivir?

 

[SunnyPotato]

Hola, tengo 21 años. Tengo mi vida destrozada por causa de un amor, me utilizaron y desecharon. No veo futuro tranquilo para mi vida. Si no me siento amada, para que sirve vivir?

Lo siento que alguien se aprovecho de ti asi, aunque no tengo los detalles de tu situacion, algo similar ha pasado a mi cuando tenia tu edad. Yo no quiero juzgar algo de tu situacion, pero espero que has considerado que el amor no es todo en la vida ni (en mi opinion) razon suficiente para ctb, y ademas si esa persona te hiciste tanto dano sera posible que no vale la pena su "amor" de nada. Tambien, existe la posibilidad que hay otro, mejor amor en tu futuro, no? De todas formas, te deseo paz, espero que aqui encuentras comunidad y si te apatece estoy aqui para hablar (pero te aviso, mi espanol no es tan bueno de momento y no tengo el teclado en espanol, como ves en esta respuesta LOL. Disculpas por los errores.)

 

[illbehave]

Hi All!
Just accepted but have read through so so much and have so much info! I am 45/F West Coast USA.
Was found depressed in 4th grade, started harming in 8th grade, and made to see therapist also. Abusive narc Mother, Father was abusive and stood up for Mother... I was the scapegoat/ black sheep of the family. I have a twin (identical sister) but she was the Golden Child. I was the empath and absorbed the familys negative and was the one who did all the chores and tried to help out.
Drug addict by 18... 3 rehabs by 21.
Multiple meds drs and bullshit ever since. Got pregnant at 24. It got me clean, and my Son was/is my world!!!! I was going to get married etc... and looking back, I wish I would have.
But my Mother had such a Strong hold over me and I had no self esteem I moved back in with her with my son. We were homeless 2 times. Because I could not take it anymore. My Mother literally would take my Son from me and go around when we went shopping and people would complete me say weirdly.. "No, That's My Son!"
She was weird went I got pregnant, you see, she adopted me and my twin sister from 1 yr old because she could not have kids. When I did, it was a Competition.
It was horrible.
She bought a beautiful crib and everything for her house. (My fiancee and I were living seperately) His Mom thankfully bought us a basinett etc.. I asked why she bought all this stuff for him and would not share it with us. She said it was because she wanted things when she would babysit.
It looked like a nursery at her house! UGH!!!
Fast Forward, despite her horrible, being raised and a natural "helper"... when Mother got dxed as Stage 4 lung cancer March 2017, my Son and I helped. We lived with her and my Father, and helped her, took her to appointments etc. My Father was just non empathic and he has zero social skills. She always preferred her kids or her Brother to help her.
Fast Forward, my parents were redoing their living trust and will. about 2018. I found it and saw some things that led to my first real attempts at suicide.
Mind you all, money has NEVER mattered to me. EVER.
But when I saw that my sister (who is depressed also exactly like me, but is across the country so they cant see see symptoms etc) gets x amount of money freely and mine is under a specific section for disabled adults I was so sick to my stomach I almost fainted.
Again being cast out.
I was her caregiver, nevertheless.
I held her when she died. I loved her so much more than she did me.
Even though she was kidnapped out of the house by HER BROTHER (who I never liked) and 3 months before she died. And I could only see her twice in a public location.
My son is almost 20.
He is taken care of financially. I am helping my Father sell the house, he is in relatively good health. He actually dated women while my Mother was sick, and got a girlfriend 1 month after she died last year.
Disgusting.
They were married 53 years.
My last hospitalization was aug 1 and 4th.
I cut again after 20 years.
I have always been a very sensitive fragile human, very empathic. A lot of health issues because I was the runt... deafness hair loss, anxiety.. etc
I know I have been depressed chronically since I was about 4, Borderline Personality Disorder To A Tee, of course, anxiety. The usual suspects.
my son has grown to be to cognant and self assured and thoughtful, respectful and has BEAUTIFUL Boundaries! I am so Proud!
He knows my struggles.
I have decided on my method. I have a few things to finish up before I go. My cat is also the other love of my life. It will taken only a month or two I think.
I might ask some newbie questions on here. :)
If anyone has feelings of abandonment because of adoption or any young adults that would like to talk to an "understanding" Mom. Please msg me. (I still need some more posts, though)
Thank you for listening.
PS I may be all over the place. I tried to give a timeline. Yay for Broken Brains!

 

[dana]

hullo guys,

I thought it'd only be appropriate that my first post is in this thread. Been depressed for a fair amount of years, diagnosed for the last three. I'm suicidal again, but it started about a month ago so the 'urgency' I felt then is kinda gone- I'll probably stick around for a while, have some stuff to arrange/do. Won't tell you my exact age, but I'm on the younger side, just starting adulthood. I like coffee and cats.

 

[illbehave]

hullo guys,

I thought it'd only be appropriate that my first post is in this thread. Been depressed for a fair amount of years, diagnosed for the last three. I'm suicidal again, but it started about a month ago so the 'urgency' I felt then is kinda gone- I'll probably stick around for a while, have some stuff to arrange/do. Won't tell you my exact age, but I'm on the younger side, just starting adulthood. I like coffee and cats.

Hi, nice to meet you, I am a newbie here also. (but have read just about everything for info) I love cats. I used to drink a shite ton of coffee. I dont much now, (no idea why?) but love the smell etc..

 

[dana]

Hi, nice to meet you, I am a newbie here also. (but have read just about everything for info) I love cats. I used to drink a shite ton of coffee. I dont much now, (no idea why?) but love the smell etc..

Hi :) and welcome on here. Like you, I also read along a lot before deciding to join. Cats are wonderful, I wish I had one by my side now.

 

[illbehave]

Hi :) and welcome on here. Like you, I also read along a lot before deciding to join. Cats are wonderful, I wish I had one by my side now.

How do y'all do the fancy msges beneath avatar? :)

 

[aligatorek]

Hi everyone, I've been reading this forum for a while and I'm happy to officially join this community. I read your stories and my heart breaks for you all. :( You seem to be so sweet and kind, I wish you all the best.

I'm a 19-year-old girl from Poland. Until recently, my life has been almost perfect. I've had supportive parents, a circle of best friends that I've known since childhood, plans and dreams for the future. Last year I started studying pharmacy at the best medical university in my country. Unfortunately, I've had serious health issues for the last two months. My eyesight is quickly deteriorating, and tests showed that my optic nerves are degenerating. :( I also have some other neurological problems, which forced me to stop going to the gym and singing classes that I really enjoyed (I currently have a summer break, so I don't attend any college classes). I've had tons of medical examinations and doctors ruled out multiple sclerosis, lyme disease and virtually any other illness, so I'm left undiagnosed, without treatment, but with progressing symptoms. I'm in both physical and mental pain and cry every day. :(

Since I'm literally going blind, and will probably be unable to move without a wheelchair soon, I decided to end my life on my own terms. I would like to make this experience as peaceful as possible... I will catch the bus using sodium nitrite, in the middle of the night, in a dimmed light, listening to my favorite music and hugging my plush unicorn.

I'm a calm, introvert person, who just wanted to learn and make the world a bit better place. I like cooking plant-based dishes and I'm interested in psychology, modern art and making hand-made cosmetics. I also read a loooot and love musicals! If you want to talk with me, I'll be over the moon! Thank you all for reading. I hope that despite all your suffering you have a nice day. Love <3

 

[AJ95]

Hey everyone :)

My name is Ava, I'm 24 from Sydney and I've been chronically depressed for at least the last decade.

I'm blessed with borderline personality disorder, body dysmorphia disorder, anxiety, and an eating disorder.

I've self harmed on and off since about 15 and have tried to ctb three times (cutting, aspirin OD, strangulation), and have spent about 2 months in hospital because of it, obviously none of them worked lol

I've just started uni again but the body dysmorphia is tearing my life apart and I really struggle with leaving the house without a mask and sunglasses on so people can't see my hideous face. I had a full on breakdown a couple of days and now I've decided I'm ready to ctb again!

I've done a lot of research on here and around the internet and I know what I'm doing this time, going to do a partial suspension hanging. I have it all figured out, I'm just waiting for something traumatic enough to push me over the edge :)

 

[Romeo]

Hi,

I'm a 22 year old guy from Italy, lonely and suicidal since childhood.

Nice to meet you all.

 

[the witch’s lament]

hey guys, I'm TWL or just witch. I'm 22 years old and living in the U.S. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, and ADHD. I love writing, film (especially thriller/horror), all music (experimental, alt, indie, hip hop, ambient, post-punk), traveling, tattoos/body mods (15 tattoos, pierced conch/daith/septum stretch) and modern art. I only just found SS but I guess better late than never. I have had two unsuccessful CTBs and am trying to gather more info for the final one. also looking for cool likeminded people so reach out if you want to talk! see you in the forums :)

 

[Lastsauce]

How do y'all do the fancy msges beneath avatar? :)

Hi! It's the "Custom title" in https://sanctioned-suicide.net/account/

 

[Daftwils]

Hi all,

I'm Wilson, 20 from Sweden. I've been feeling pretty lost for the past couple years now, even as my life has probably in many ways improved since then. Over summer I got an all time low, I now have a method fully prepared but in waiting for all the setup, I do feel a bit better now. The only thing I ever really enjoyed, gaming, has finally come back to me in the form of CK3, but I can feel that fading already. I miss when I could get lost in a game for what felt like forever. Instead every day it feels like fewer things can make me smile, but at least I'm getting better at pretending. Fake it till you make it right?

I'm definitely glad I have the option to go, it's pretty hard to do here in sweden, maybe knowing I could go at any moment is a kind of peace? Especially when I think most of my pain comes from worrying how I could fuck up my life even more.

We'll see how it goes. If someone needs some SN in Swe btw I might be able to hook u up. Being part of an organisation that can order stuff with plausible deniability is pretty useful.

I still think I want to die tho. One day the time will be right.

 

[NotEnoughIncentive]

Greetings.

You can call me NEI or Incentive, if those nicknames haven't been taken by someone else. Or whatever nickname will come to me as I interact with you guys here. I'm 18 years old, non-binary, from Indonesia. (But internally I feel younger lol.)

And I'd like to tell my story.

Around 2014 (12 y.o.) I became depressed, and soon after that became suicidal. I believed everyone hated me and only took advantage of my willingness to help. It was self-diagnosed but I would refuse to believe if a proper diagnosis from a professional tells me it wasn't depression. On 2015 I really wanted to kill myself and it spiked very bad just a day before my 13th birthday, midyear. I didn't do it though, for fear of failing. But the informations around suicide I gathered on that year, I keep in mind until now.

But magically, without any proper treatment, once I enter high school the depression disappeared. Probably because I was having so much fun with my activities at school! Conversely, I believed everyone loved me even though we're not good friends. I had no enemies. But unfortunately I started having gender dysphoria so high school period is still kind of a hell. Never have I thought so seriously again about suicide. Never have I become depressed again for long period of time. Just a good night sleep and I will wake up feeling better.

And so, why did I land here? Around July, I realized some of my friends had been posting about death, wanting to die, etc (the warning signs), and I talked to a counselor from my univ on how to help them. A few days after that, I asked myself "why do we help suicidal people? Is there any objective reason?" and changed it to "is there any objective reason we must live?" And from that I fell down the hole of nihilism(?), I started remembering that I wanted to die, that I should've died 5 years ago, and I consider my whole 2015-2020 life as illegal. And yeah, my biological body is one of the reasons I don't want to live for too long.

And here I am. So, greetings again, I hope the time we will spend together is full of warmth and love.

 

[max_caulfield]

Hey, guys.

I am Maxine. I am 19 years old and live in Austria. I was diagnozed with depression in my early teenage years, and it's been getting worse and worse ever since. I have been contemplating my suicide since I was 14. I also suffer from body dysmorphic disorder and I abhor my face, voice and body. Therapy doesn't work for me. I have been prescribed different kinds of drugs over the years but none of them work. My parents try to convince me that everything is going to be fine. Obviously this is not the case. I do feel guilty for breaking their hearts with my future ctb though. However, I think it's time to end all of it once and for all.

I wish all of you to find peace or heal your wounds.

 

[Sinkinshyp]

I'm Dez. A 48 yr old woman. I've had depression and anxiety all of my life. I spent my life from 20 yrs old being a single mom. I can relate to so many of you here. I see my younger self in a lot of y'all as well. I was born into a mentally & physically abusive home. I tried to CTB when I was 12. My abuser, my father died when I was 15. About 6 months later I met my 1st boyfriend who would than use me as a punching bag for the next yr and a half. After I got out of that relationship I met an older guy my first true love. When we broke up I tried to CTB. I was 16-17 back than. I would cut myself, put cigarettes out on myself. I took pills and cut my wrists only landed in psych hospitals. At 18 I had cancer. Landed on life support for the first time. It gave me a new outlook on life. At 20 I gave birth to my older son Joey. His father didn't want him so I raised him alone. When Joey was 8 1/2 I had my younger son. Because my son needed me and I was all he had I kept my anxiety and depression under control. He gave me a reason to wake up and try hard to make a decent life for us. He was the love and light in my life. I was so blessed and honored to have such an amazing son. He died in a car accident october will be 3 years. I died with him that day. I wanted to CTB from the second the police told me he was gone. I had a 16yr old son also so I stayed here for him. He turned 18 and 3 months later moved in with his grandmother on his fathers side. That was a yr and a half ago. I'm lost and destroyed without my sons. All I know how to be is mom. I am in my room 24/7 unless I need to use the bathroom or get a drink. I do not want to live without my sons anymore. I believe in my afterlife I will be reunited with my older son. I've been on life support twice. Once from the cancer and once in 2013 I had respiratory failure. I have emphysema and cold germs caused it.

If any of you want to talk I am here for you. I respect whatever you choose to do. I just have a ton of life experience and that mom in me wants to share it with you. Maybe I can help someone before I CTB. I hope yall find peace, hope, love and happiness in whatever you choose.

 

[deadbeat]

Hello, I don't really know what to say but I've had anxiety and depression since childhood, and I've been NEET since I graduated high school.
I hope I can change and things will improve but I don't have much of an identity so I don't know what to do with myself.
Aside from my SO I've been socially isolated for years, both because I find keeping up friendships exhausting but also due to shame over my situation. Even just typing this out feels strange since I just lurk on everything.
I spend my days playing on my switch, watching films/shows, cooking food (vegan btw), and browsing the internet. I could be a good artist but I lack motivation and have trouble coming up with original ideas.
Thanks for reading.

 

[enuff]

Hi all, I'm so glad I found this forum, where I can share my feelings about suicide among like minded people. It's difficult/impossible to discuss my feelings about suicide with anyone I know. I tried once before and was shunned from my social circle back then. I'm 60 now and that was a long time ago. So now I keep my thoughts to myself, and it's a real prison in my mind. There's more to the story, but I just can't crank it out right now. Maybe soon.

My domestic life (relationship) is rocky at best, but he won't leave and his family loves me more than my own family. And he would be inconsolable if I did ctb, and I don't want to do that to him. Plus, his Auntie would kill me. I don't want to put that whole family through all the grief and drama.

Me, I'm just not looking forward to tomorrow. Every day is deeper in debt and harder to cope. I keep hoping I get killed in a car crash, bit by a tick, hit by a truck, brain aneurysm, heart attack, something like that. I dont want to be labeled suicide, it's embarrassing. And yes it will matter. I have a lot of family and professional network, although none of them are my friends. All my true friends died over the past several years: cancer, diabetes, aneurysm, auto accident, heart attack, and one just died in his sleep. When will it be my turn? With my luck, I'll live to a ripe old age, suffering from poverty and lonliness.

The one thing I have to hang onto is an 18" tank of Nitrogen that I bought off CL. Having it gives me solace, just knowing I have a way out. But being found will be ugly, and I don't want my partner to find me that way. So here I am, so grateful to have found this place. It's like an oasis in the desert of life. Thanks for being here.

 

[DockoftheBay]

Hi everyone, it's reassuring to see that the way I feel is shared by so many others. Society forces so many ideals on us that are totally unachievable and unfair. We're supposed to roam the forest, free, happy and equal but humanity has morphed into something deeply unpleasant and totlaly untenable. It's a shame.

I'm 39 now and have seen enough. I have been depressed since I was 10 or 11, spent many years self-medicating with alcohol and spending time with people who didn't care about me and only got me into trouble. I can't do this anymore. I just don't have the energy. Will things get better? Maybe, but I can't handle the constant fear, anxiety and worry anymore. It's time to depart.

There are some people who love me and the hardest thing is the thought of what they will have to deal with. I hope that they come to understand that it was all just too much.

This is my first post but I've been viewing for while and the support here is fantastic. I look forward to getting to know people here before I go.

 

[catalepsy]

Hi, I'm catalepsy. I work too much, sleep too little, and have amassed a cat collection in my apartment, including 2 kittens that are polydactyl.

So I looked through this thread and realized I really don't talk about myself much. That's probably one of the contributing factors to my landing on this website. I dunno. It's an issue.

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

Hello, I don't really know what to say but I've had anxiety and depression since childhood, and I've been NEET since I graduated high school.
I hope I can change and things will improve but I don't have much of an identity so I don't know what to do with myself.
Aside from my SO I've been socially isolated for years, both because I find keeping up friendships exhausting but also due to shame over my situation. Even just typing this out feels strange since I just lurk on everything.
I spend my days playing on my switch, watching films/shows, cooking food (vegan btw), and browsing the internet. I could be a good artist but I lack motivation and have trouble coming up with original ideas.
Thanks for reading.

U cook vegan!! I do too. I'm not the best cook though. Pretty simple stuff i make though.

Sorry u have anxiety and depression. i have depression too. I have anxiety as well but mine is social.

 

[asani]

Hi everyone. I'm Ana, 20 from Russia. I'm new to this forum but I'm not new to depression, sociophobia and etc. Thank god my English is quite good and I'm glad I found this site so I can do everything right for the first time in my life.
Currently waiting for SN to arrive and then make plans. I had several attemts and all I failed. This time I hope I won't let myself down. Nice to meet you everyone at least for this short period of time. :)

 

[TattiQueen]

Salutations All !
I'm , honestly , glad to be here. Came upon the site by chance, and decided to stay. My day to day is mundane , but mostly downright painful and exhausting. Just floating through existence one day at a time, for now. This seems to be exactly what I needed, when I needed it. Thank you so much for welcoming me.

 

[maninblack]

Hello everybody!

I have nothing special to say to introduce myself. I'm from Croatia. I'm depressed all the time and see no more sense to go on. I don't fit in and dislike world generally, so to help myself, I'm considering suicide. My method of choice would be drowning and I would appreciate if older and more experienced members could redirect me from here to where could I discuss my method of choice more detailed.

Thanks and best wishes to all of you.

 

[Stick]

Hi all!
I've been on here for a bit now, but I don't think I've ever really introduced myself. I'm an 18 year old from America. I haven't really suffered from depression most of my life like most of you all on here (although I think I may have seasonal depression around the holiday months of October, November and December, but I haven't been officially diagnosed). My problem stems more from my intense moods due to my anxiety and some other things. For me, the bad times I experience just aren't worth the good times, at least right now. I'm trying to get better, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out, which is how I came here. I'm sick of every minor inconvenience felling like one of the worst things I've ever experienced.
Besides that, I do have a few hobbies. I love art, and I'm working on making a webcomic series (although I'll probably just delay it forever lol). I also play a lot of video games, right now I've been playing CK3 and I just started Monster Hunter again. I'm majoring in Engineering right now, but I'm working hard on my art so maybe I can switch to an art major feasibly (assuming I don't die before hand). It's not great yet, but I'm making progress.
I hope to be able to be open on here when I can't irl. Even just reading posts on here feels so reassuring, like I'm not alone in the way I feel and think.

 

[Blank Dreamer]

Hello,

First off, thank you for allowing me to join this community. I can't recall how I found this site as I've been searching through this entire forum since the beginning of this year. Maybe it's just a string of luck. I don't know how long I will be here, or even if I will be actively posting. But I hope to make the most of whatever I choose to do here.

Not much to say about myself. An individual that has lived a decent amount of time. I've had a relatively normal life I suppose? Well... as normal as it would look from an outside perspective. Best way to describe myself would be lost, hopeless and failure. Depressed too, moderate to severe. It changes throughout the days. I've been depressed since my adolescence if I had to guess. Not consistently, I believe everyone becomes depressed going through their younger years. My depression got progressively worse as the years went by. Either due to my own doing (or not doing enough) or circumstances outside my control. Having a father that has abandoned his family at least twice (if my memory serves me well) during the later years of my adolescence was one of those circumstances.

Such a weird feeling to make a post detailing my sorrow... It's... a strange feeling since I don't have anyone I can talk to in person. I won't go into detail here but probably on a thread I will create.

Since I've been lurking the forum since the beginning of this year, I have procured my own method. I am only 1 ingredient away from completing this preparation. I don't know when my date will be. It could be the end of the year or some time next year. I haven't finalized it but I am in no rush. At least, not yet though that may change because... well life is just like that. A member that has now passed influenced me in choosing this method. I never knew them but their last thread was inspirational to me. I hope that they are now at peace wherever they are...

Well, that about does it for this beginning post. Hope you all find what you are looking for here.
-Blank Dreamer