Introduce yourself

[Mila]

Hi there! My name's RunsOnLentils, I'm 22 and don't really want to disclose where I live. I haven't been diagnosed, but I think I suffer from depression and some sort of anxiety disorder. I've been suicidal for about a year now. The things I like doing, when not feeling anxious, are fantasizing about shit that will probably never happen. I enjoy learning about philosophy, specifically ethics. I'd love to discuss different ideas with every single one of you and also support everyone to hopefully make you feel a bit better.

P.S.
I know I didn't write much, but this this little message took me about 3 hours, haha, thanks, anxiety.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[VelvetHippo]

Hello!

I am VelvetHippo, a 22 y/o New Zealander. I've spent as long as I can remember rather quite unhappy, and the last 8 months being diagnosed with things once people started figuring it out. I am considering making my exit sometime soon, and am glad to finally find a community of people understanding rather than accusatory around the topic <3

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Hi there! My name's RunsOnLentils, I'm 22 and don't really want to disclose where I live. I haven't been diagnosed, but I think I suffer from depression and some sort of anxiety disorder. I've been suicidal for about a year now. The things I like doing, when not feeling anxious, are fantasizing about shit that will probably never happen. I enjoy learning about philosophy, specifically ethics. I'd love to discuss different ideas with every single one of you and also support everyone to hopefully make you feel a bit better.

P.S.
I know I didn't write much, but this this little message took me about 3 hours, haha, thanks, anxiety.

This was a wonderful message! I feel for you and your comments on anxiety resonate strongly with me. (I definitely chuckled at the "fantasizing about shit that will never happen" line.) with regards to diagnosis, it might be good to seek an actual diagnosis just for the purpose of potentially obtaining meds that might help with your anxiety. I know going down the prescription path could open a whole new can of worms since finding the right meds are often trial-and-rrror, and once you're on it's almost impossible to come off, BUT a lot of people do find dealing with their anxiety to be easier once they're on a good routine. Just be sure not to mention your suicidality during the diagnosis!

 

[nothing but agony]

Hello everyone
I have suffered from depression for 7 years. One of the symptoms is cognitive impairment. I can't think clearly and fast enough. I find it tough to talk due to this, too slow I am. So expect slow replies from me. I am slow at everything
I have been seeking treatment however which has improved my situation to some extent
But it still isn't enough, I am in constant misery. Treatment is costly
I barely enjoy anything, I have no interest in anything.
Only thing I look forward to everyday is the exit.

 

[alexit]

hi. tried many times. obv not successful yet

 

[pennylanefinaltake]

Just wanted to drop a note to say hello, I'm new here. I have anxiety so it's hard for me to talk too much about myself but in time I will try to slowly come out of my shell. Just wanted to meet like-minded people and talk freely without judgement - this is so hard to find without people constantly offering hotlines.

 

[TheSoundofTime]

Hi all,
I just joined so I thought it would be nice to say "hi" to you all!
I'm 27y.o male. My journey with suicide started over 10 years ago from thinking about it, wishing to die to actively researching and planning the whole thing. I take my time because it works for me as coping mechanism from stress, anxiety and painful memories of all the shit I have done.
So far I have two methods (carefully picked) but have not decided yet on which to go for:
1.Full suspension in rented motel
2.Gunshot to the temple in my car in an empty parking lot.
The next and the last question is just "when", that's all.
If you have any ideas/advice - it would be more than welcomed to receive.
I wish you all to find your peace

 

[hello570]

hello everyone. I am from the us in my early 20s. and have always had suicidal thoughts. Started taking them seriously a few years ago and tried nitrogen but didn't work and was discouraged. Going to try again soon with SN. Can't see any other way of going out. Sick of people on reddit saying it's selfish or some shit like that. They think they have the moral high ground because they're "trying to save a life.
If years of therapy and trying tons of antidepressants/antipsychotics/ and mood stabilizers didn't help me I doubt a stranger on the internet saying they care about me will help. I hope I meet some likeminded people on here

 

[Nymph]

hello everyone. I am from the us in my early 20s. and have always had suicidal thoughts. Started taking them seriously a few years ago and tried nitrogen but didn't work and was discouraged. Going to try again soon with SN. Can't see any other way of going out. Sick of people on reddit saying it's selfish or some shit like that. They think they have the moral high ground because they're "trying to save a life.
If years of therapy and trying tons of antidepressants/antipsychotics/ and mood stabilizers didn't help me I doubt a stranger on the internet saying they care about me will help. I hope I meet some likeminded people on here

Hey, I also came from reddit, cause even on dedicated subreddits I wasn't able to talk openly about suicide *high five*

 

[Saint-mal]

Hey I'm Mal, 23, Nonbinary and suicidal since birth it seems. I've always know I was going to die by my own hand. Covid pushed the date, my friend remains hopeful that my apartment will work with me and I'm doubtful. Two months behind in rent due to shitty spending habits and two hospitalization one for July and another in June. I'm going through the motions as not to completely tip everyone off about my actual plans. So applying for cares, looking at rehab blah blah. Current method is hanging (not full) and already set up and ready to go.

I was going to rush it but as long as I do it before I'm evicted I should be fine to fuck around on here and talk to like minded individuals

 

[Escapist]

Hello, I'm Escapist.

Age 37
Europe
Male

My outwardly life is okay, but I do have suicidal thoughts and I am looking for a place to talk about that in a non-judgmental environment. I read the forums for a while before joining and this looked like a promising place for sharing some thoughts with like-minded, pro-choice people.

My suicidal feelings are related to spirituality, lack of sense of meaning, one too many disillusionments with human existence and stuff like that. I'm in a place where postponing and thinking it over for a few more times is still possible, I have no urgent reason to rush the decision one way or the other. I don't know how this is going to end, I believe that the choice will take care of itself somewhere down the line. I want to keep both options open for as long as possible.

I'm pro-recovery if a meaningful recovery is possible. I'm pro-choice because a meaningful recovery is not always possible, unfortunately. I don't like pro-lifers, I think they are more harm than help, because of their self-righteous narrow-mindedness. The person who has to live with the pain, should get to decide how to deal with it. It's just so cheap to tell someone else to keep on living, while not having to suffer their pain.

(English is not my first language, please excuse me my occasional grammatic errors!)

 

[nurplexkid]

Hi everyone,

I'm nurplexkid. I haven't felt happy for a long time. I want to be aware of my options when I feel that I'm finally ready to let go.

 

[fivedegrees]

Hello all.
I'm in my early 20's.
Rough childhood, CSA survivor.
Never was able to recover, still dealing with the repercussions of trauma, abuse and abandonment throughout my life. I have bipolar disorder and cptsd. My trauma and mental illness make it almost impossible to form/keep strong relationships with others. I'm very lonely because of this.

Since I was a child I've had suicidal tendencies — attempted a few times throughout my teenage years. I've known my life would end in suicide since I was young but I tried to hold onto hope as long as I could. After two decades of awful existence on this earth, I'm coming to terms with the fact I am only prolonging my own suffering and my trying is futile. I don't want to be saved anymore.

Glad to find a place to talk about these things without getting locked up as well as find resources for ctb.

ps. I am very socially anxious and primarily just lurk for this reason.

 

[CoffinDance]

Hi everyone!
My account is pretty new, but i have been reading this forum for couple months. I couldn't create an account earlier because I was under 18, but now I'm 18. I can now use this website legally. :D
I'm here to say hello and goodbye in a dozen or so days. I go with SN and I will make goodbye thread which I will describe my experiences.
I could advise in PM where and how to buy SN from some European country. :>
Nice to meet you all.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Hi everyone!
My account is pretty new, but i have been reading this forum for couple months. I couldn't create an account earlier because I was under 18, but now I'm 18. I can now use this website legally. :D
I'm here to say hello and goodbye in a dozen or so days. I go with SN and I will make goodbye thread which I will describe my experiences.
I could advise in PM where and how to buy SN from some European country. :>
Nice to meet you all.

Hi
Sorry to hear that you're planning ctb at such a young age :(
May I ask the general reasons why you have decided this?

Hello all.
I'm in my early 20's.
Rough childhood, CSA survivor.
Never was able to recover, still dealing with the repercussions of trauma, abuse and abandonment throughout my life. I have bipolar disorder and cptsd. My trauma and mental illness make it almost impossible to form/keep strong relationships with others. I'm very lonely because of this.

Since I was a child I've had suicidal tendencies — attempted a few times throughout my teenage years. I've known my life would end in suicide since I was young but I tried to hold onto hope as long as I could. After two decades of awful existence on this earth, I'm coming to terms with the fact I am only prolonging my own suffering and my trying is futile. I don't want to be saved anymore.

Glad to find a place to talk about these things without getting locked up as well as find resources for ctb.

ps. I am very socially anxious and primarily just lurk for this reason.

Really sorry to hear of all you've been through.
I don't understand why this life has to be so hard and full of suffering for some of us. Seems just so grossly unfair.
And the societies we live in just don't cater well for people who struggle with depression, trauma, anxiety etc. The only solutions proposed are glorified prison, mind-altering pharma lab pills or a bit of 'talking therapy' with professionals who don't give two shits about their patients, and are only in it for the money and special perks of the job.

 

[CoffinDance]

Hi
Sorry to hear that you're planning ctb at such a young age :(
May I ask the general reasons why you have decided this?

I had rough childhood, my parents neglected my needs, brother wasn't good either. I have had various symptoms of mental illness since childhood. I take medication and go to therapy, but the doctors still don't know what's wrong with me. I'm really tired of living, even sleeping or sitting is tiring. Anyway, I had known for years that I would commit suicide when I was young. I don't feel sad either, I've been preparing for this day for several months. I eat what I want, I do what I want, I fool around and I live as I want. I don't feel anger, frustration, jealousy or regret. I feel calm, I guess I'm reconciled with all this.

 

[Anthagonos]

Hello, I'm 19 and struggling with my mental health. Due to my mistakes in life and situations that happened I feel as though my existence is no longer needed.

Ho there. 34 years old man.
I feel very old at this age.
I have had maybe really good options at life. I was a really good student, tall, attractive, no problems with money, etc...

I think after my parents divorced my personality changed a lot for bad. They divorced when I was 6.

During my adolescence I started to self destructing me. I have never had a girlfriend, no I have no friends, etc...
My mom is a very conflictive person and I think her personality has shapped mine.

I tried suicide at 22. Lots of benzos.

Now I see myself without friends,no wife, no kids, etc...

I decided btcing because I think i have ruined my life with my wrong decissions.

 

[Leech]

Hello hello! I'm a 21 yr old digital artist from Canada. I've struggled with bipolar disorder for as long as I remember, and PTSD related to grooming and sexual / mental / physical abuse since I was 15.

I've been looking to CTB since I was 10, and every year inches me closer. I went from being in pre-med to an art student about to be thrown on the street. I have no close friends IRL, and just a couple of distant friends I see maybe once a year. Because of this, I had no one to talk to when I watched my best friend and only friend die of an overdose. I've just felt progressively more and more hopeless.

I'm the oldest of my siblings, and they look up to me. That's essentially the only thing that has held me back. Ultimately, I'd love to heal and live a normal and happy life. Either way, I look forward to meeting y'all and sharing our experiences and feels!

 

[Anthagonos]

Hi and thanks for the welcoming. Hard for me to talk about myself... All I can say is I have nothing, I have no one (except for my pets), no job due to covid, no one to talk to, soon homeless; I am tired of struggling every minute of my life for the last 15 years, and all I want is to CTB. I have been reading posts, options, comments since I joined, and I just want to find the fastest way to do it. That's all I want...

If it's possible to know... in which country do you live?

 

[Doormat]

I've been on here a while but never said hi. I'm currently a student. Love irreverent comedy and noisy rock music. I've been living with various MH issues including bipolar 2 (people tell me it's the "less serious" version but it feels pretty serious from here) and live as a high-functioning depressive (apparently). I'm on here because I have had to make my world really small in order to shut out all the things that make me feel shit although it makes me so lonely. I haven't experienced intimacy for 20 years. The thought of this going on for the next however many years makes me shudder. I've had chronic suicidal thoughts for 5 years now and I'm just waiting for the trigger to take me to another place. Surviving in order to protect my family although one day that won't be enough. In general, humans disgust me although on an individual level I love interacting with the good ones I was pleasantly surprised at how many kind people there are on here offering support to others and providing insight into so many of the issues connected to SI. I think if the critics of te site actually too the time to listen to us the might actually learn something. Feel free to DM if you want to vent in private although, be warned, I give terrible advice.

 

[Moonbounce]

Hello everyone. I just recently discovered this site through mindless browsing while reading about drug interactions. I've lurked for about the past few days just reading posts by some users and have become intrigued by how open this forum is. I suffer from bipolar depression, panic episodes, anxiety, and self doubt that has lead me for years to believe that I won't amount to much. This has been largely proven true. I'm all but stuck in household with family I'm tired of being around and constantly fight with and who regularly make light of my mental problems with no end or escape in sight. I have before been booted off online forums for being too raw and transparent about my life so having a safe haven like this is lovely.

I look forward to becoming more active on this site and getting to know more of you. I have no plans to ctb at this time though I do have regular ideation (just about the only thing that keeps me from taking further steps is the fear of being selfish and upsetting family which I also know is an unhealthy way of living with those thoughts) and may vent semi regularly. I won't try to pretend I give out good advice because I'm a shit show, but I'll try to be a nice guy.

 

[arigatogozaimasu]

Hey there. I'm a freshman university student from the American Midwest. I'm studying finance if that's any indication of my thrilling life so far.

Outside of university, I don't do anything special. I have had somewhat severe (although undiagnosed) social anxiety since at least middle school. I suppose I like to ski, although my geographic location makes this hobby difficult. I also trade stocks, with an all-time return of negative 50%.

I'm glad to read through some of your introductions and I'm looking forward to being a member of this community!

 

[Smokey8484]

I'm a woman in my mid 30s from Europe. Tall, dark hair and green eyes. I'm friendly, smart and caring and I've lived with depression and low self worth for as long as I can remember. I have a good job, good friends and an ok relationship with my family- I am very lucky. If you met me, you might think I was confident and outgoing, and I am those things at times but behind it all, I experience episodes of depression (I still function in work etc but completely withdraw socially & barely leave the house) and my suicidal ideation gets stronger and stronger, but I don't have the courage (yet) to take action and ctb. I've tried everything over many years but I think my brain is just hard wired to feeling worthless. I've never told anyone that I hugely regret not being successful on the attempt to end my life when I was 19. Life hasnt gotten better overall. I spend my time trying to help others, maybe some sort of retribution because I feel so guilty for being this way. I am so tired and all I long for is a loving hug, sometime to tell me I am not worthless, and for me to be able to believe it.

 

[tasteofink]

Hey yall, I'm MiLo, 27, from the Midwest US.
I used to be a frequent commenter in the Sanctioned Suicide subreddit before that got banned. Took the ban as a sign that I needed to get my shit together, but here I am again.
I'm a long time sufferer of crippling anxiety, manic depression, an eating disorder (not ana), and a "survivor" of childhood sexual and physical abuse.
I started writing my suicide note earlier this week.
Let's trauma bond.

 

[mooncake]

Hi :) I've been browsing here for a while already and finally decided to sign up myself. I'm glad to finally have people to talk and ask questions to, without having to worry about being invalidated, judged or admitted. I'm 26 year old, woman of color Germany.I've been struggling with the desire to die for over 20 years now and much of it has to do with the many experiences with physical (sexual) and psychological abuse, I've made through out my life so far. I recently got out of a very emotionally abusive relationship that made me realize, that I am not made to stay here. I have PTSD and Depression, struggle with intense feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, inadequacy, unattractiveness, responsibility for the needs and feelings of others, guilt for failing and generally not being good enough. During my last relationship I also developed severe (social) anxiety.

Since some of my friends and family became very worried about me, I recently admitted myself into a psych ward out of guilt. during that I realized, that there aren't any things that I still want to do and, that the peace I'm looking for is only achievable in death. Existence is pure agony to me. Waking up and knowing I have to spend another day alive is suffering. I don't want to be a burden and more, but I also don't want to be hurt or in danger anymore.For the past 2 decades, I've been living fore the sake and comfort of others. Now I'm looking to find the right way for my self to exit this life, and I'm sure this forum will be able to help me :)

 

[MrAsclepius]

Attempted before, never recovered. Only thing keeping me here is fear of pain or failing and becoming a vegetable.

Just want like minded people who wont shame me or try to fix me. Been diagnosed with mdd, anxiety, ptsd, suicidal ideation (or whatever the term for it is now). Frequent self-harmer and losing big at life.

 

[tsuina]

hi, i'm tsuina, college student with a fucked gender identity (girl? idk) and a just as fucked up brain.
spent a while browsing here after finding it on accident, and i thought it'd be a good community to lurk around and maybe post in.
i have PTSD, autism, and psychotic symptoms. i don't really plan on CTBing at this point in my life- i probably will someday, but maybe i'll be happy someday too.
but it is constantly on my mind, i get suicidal urges constantly. reading other people's struggles, stories, and experiences helps me feel connected to the world, so that's why i'm here, since i often feel so alone...

 

[dieornottodie]

i am from morocco, casablanca, i am in my 30s, what pushes me to ctb is many things, one of them is the theocracy and even culture of the country i live in, no freedom for the individual no free speech nothing... also financial problems, i wish for the day to come, when we will have an Elon Musk for ctb, someone who would shine and make an international organization to help people who want to leave this hell of a nightmare painlessly with no complex bureaucratic procedures nor medical consultancy. ctb is plan B for me, i joined this forum recently because the clock is ticking and i have no other choice left

 

[RicRac]

I'm a lonely soul from Paris France with too many fucking thoughts. Age ? Who cares... Love you all.

 

[Deleted member 20852]

Hi, I've been reading this forum for a while so I decided to join up. I'm 24 from the UK. I have been suicidal for over a decade. When I was a young child (about 7 or 8 I think) I wanted to die for a bit so I could be a ghost to see if anyone cared if I lived or died. I made a promise to my dog when I was 14 years old that I wouldn't do anything while she is still alive, in the vain hope that things would get better. My dog turned 16 recently and her mobility seems to be getting worse in the last week or so. I feel like my time is coming to an end soon. When she dies I will most likely die too. She is all I have. I have a plan, I live less than an hour away from Beachy Head. With this in my mind I felt like I should try harder and I thought I would give therapy another go, but I had a mild panic attack after 6 sessions and I was struggling to afford it so I quit and with the lockdown I am unable to try again. I don't think it would have worked anyway, I am incapable of forming relationships with other people. I was never going to put 100% into it. Too anxious and proud to ask for help and too depressed to do anything.

So anyway, I have a bad social problem (I have never been told I have anything but I have been invisble all my life. I may as well not exist.) so I probably won't contribute much and be a bit of a lurker sadly. It's nice to meet you all.