GreyClouds
Member
- Oct 24, 2019
- 21
Thank you for taking the time to respond, I look forward to being apart of this community.
Welcome, no reason I believe to feel judgment or rejection here. Understanding and any helpful suggestions seems to me to be the general attitude. I'm so sorry that there was so much negativity in your young life, that wrapped you in sorrow and confusion and made it so difficult to find your own life. I do believe that hidden beneath those shadows that surround you and engulf you is a hidden treasure. You are certainly accepted and understood. There are many young people here with similar issues, sadly, to share your feelings unjudgmentally here. Welcome.
Hi, sorry about the mess, but nice to hear it looks better. You are lucky to be able to enjoy some pleasant diversions. I love music myself, but haven't been able to indulge my interests at the moment. Glad to have you here and in my neighborhood.
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*KNAZ*
The only way out is through
- Oct 23, 2019
- 210
Hello
I'm almost 52 years old. I have had HIV (Not AIDS) since 2004. I have bipolar, major depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I have tried more than a dozen psych meds over the past 30 years, none have really helped. I have neuro-cognitive decline from HIV but I can't get disability. I have lost two jobs over past year and I'm worried that I'm going to lose my current job. I just can't mentally keep up with the pace of work in my profession anymore. The last psych treatment option for me is ECT but it can cause me to lose some memory which will make it even harder for me to keep my job Ketamine infusions are supposed to be miraculous treatments for depression but insurance doesn't cover them. And it's $500 per treatment. I have no real friends or close family. Just an ex-husband who loved me but whose life I ruined. I lost my house last year and had to sell everything. I rent a room from a stranger since I can't get an apartment because of my work history. I have nowhere to go. I don't want to be homeless and alone. I'm tired. My body is tired. My soul is weary and tired. I'm just tired of it all. I joined this site to get more info on methods and it has been very helpful. I decided on SN and I'm excited that my order from AMZ will be here today. Not sure when I will CTB but I feel peaceful and relieved that I have the means in my hands. Hoping I can be a comfort to Those who need to vent and to others on here who are walking towards the western gate. Maybe we can all be a comfort to each other.
I'm almost 52 years old. I have had HIV (Not AIDS) since 2004. I have bipolar, major depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I have tried more than a dozen psych meds over the past 30 years, none have really helped. I have neuro-cognitive decline from HIV but I can't get disability. I have lost two jobs over past year and I'm worried that I'm going to lose my current job. I just can't mentally keep up with the pace of work in my profession anymore. The last psych treatment option for me is ECT but it can cause me to lose some memory which will make it even harder for me to keep my job Ketamine infusions are supposed to be miraculous treatments for depression but insurance doesn't cover them. And it's $500 per treatment. I have no real friends or close family. Just an ex-husband who loved me but whose life I ruined. I lost my house last year and had to sell everything. I rent a room from a stranger since I can't get an apartment because of my work history. I have nowhere to go. I don't want to be homeless and alone. I'm tired. My body is tired. My soul is weary and tired. I'm just tired of it all. I joined this site to get more info on methods and it has been very helpful. I decided on SN and I'm excited that my order from AMZ will be here today. Not sure when I will CTB but I feel peaceful and relieved that I have the means in my hands. Hoping I can be a comfort to Those who need to vent and to others on here who are walking towards the western gate. Maybe we can all be a comfort to each other.
Hi, I'm 33/f/uk.
Not sure what to say... ctb because of my mental health problems. Recurring depression, anxiety and socially inept, unable to form relationships of any kind or trust people. I was horribly bullied throughout highschool and it really fucked me up. Plus my family/parents are toxic. Untreated atm because the antidepressants no longer work. I was self-medicating with ketamine but that also seems to have become less effective.
I'm very alone, lonely and don't feel safe in this world. I almost died once before, in childbirth. I lost half of the blood in my body. It wasn't scary.
I could probably hold on a bit longer but life has become very difficult now, because of my problems. I can't get help. I'm resigned to my fate. There's no need to endure any more pain. It's sad and selfish because I have a kid, but I think ultimately this is the kindest choice. I wish I could disappear, but I don't think it's possible. I think I was meant to die years ago... maybe that's just me trying to escape the guilt I feel at leaving though.
I'm glad this place exists, otherwise I would have taken 1000mg of valium and probably woken up as a vegetable or something.
Not sure what to say... ctb because of my mental health problems. Recurring depression, anxiety and socially inept, unable to form relationships of any kind or trust people. I was horribly bullied throughout highschool and it really fucked me up. Plus my family/parents are toxic. Untreated atm because the antidepressants no longer work. I was self-medicating with ketamine but that also seems to have become less effective.
I'm very alone, lonely and don't feel safe in this world. I almost died once before, in childbirth. I lost half of the blood in my body. It wasn't scary.
I could probably hold on a bit longer but life has become very difficult now, because of my problems. I can't get help. I'm resigned to my fate. There's no need to endure any more pain. It's sad and selfish because I have a kid, but I think ultimately this is the kindest choice. I wish I could disappear, but I don't think it's possible. I think I was meant to die years ago... maybe that's just me trying to escape the guilt I feel at leaving though.
I'm glad this place exists, otherwise I would have taken 1000mg of valium and probably woken up as a vegetable or something.
late 20s. american. i feel relief being here. anarchist. voluntary non-hierarchical relations or bust
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notjustyetagain
- Oct 28, 2019
- 169
*waves frantically*
tl/dr: hi, i'm an omnishambles abomination of a specimen that needs entombing. i'm grateful to be here. thanks for peeking, sorry you're here.
________
i'm 36/f/australia and have been a mainstay of my city's best and worst psychiatric institutions for >20 years, gracing their halls with my wit and wisdom and generally being an exemplary patient. i'm always quick with a compliment to the medicos tasked with the tedium of hauling me in or with a light-hearted jab at the police if it's their turn. well, when i'm "well". when i'm "not well" i'm completely dissociating -- and i go Actually Insane with alacrity, but that's a whole other soul-splintering thing.
my pro-life/-death vantage is balanced.
i don't want to die 100%. i've come to know of much beauty in the world, using a transient/homeless period in my 20s to check the public library's history, art, science, and whatever held my interest through the daze. i've enjoyed philosophy: mostly mainländer, literature: kafka/heine/cioran/borges/kafka/kafka/etc., and music: debussy/szymanowski/godowsky and the artist whose work i love playing more than anything else in life -- chopin. but i always feel i'm betraying something when i'm engrossed in these things (not merely the fact that i couldn't even finish year 10 in high school).
then again, i certainly don't want to live, and the scales have always sagged far more heftily on this side. having been gifted with and consistently losing some truly noble and beautiful friends, i'm left to admire the galactic clockwork skyshow that plays out without all the heartache. i had some trauma in my early life but given how much the resulting dissociative disorder controls my existence, i can't bring myself to care about that anymore.
the core of my troubles are simpler. i'm transgendered, something i've never had an opportunity to explore in life -- and never will, because the dissociative disorder rules the roost, period. this is something i can't handle. it's hard enough to accept my brain and its derangements let alone my squalid heart, which twitches with laughable immaturity. shouldn't i be able to transcend this too? i can't. in a "reality" as fragile and blistering as mine, it's something cool and solid to hold onto: the glaring signpost that signals my having trespassed my entire life.
as to my body, well, it's a bit broken owing to a couple of violent suicide attempts that have left me with permanent pain and tinnitus so, coupled with my trans identity -- we're not on speaking terms.
solution? my saint of a psych (for 14 years now!) is out of ideas. the truth is that there's no easy road to take, and my resilience has finally worn too thin for the rougher tracks. i've tried to carry my difficulties with grace and flippance, but the simple act of looking in the mirror these days is... well, halloween's coming up.
i'm presently passing my days flooding my gaba-b receptors with abandon, starving myself, and depriving myself of sleep. there's something stubbornly liberating in lying to myself about being in control of delirium for a change, but i'm running out of time.
practical issues are in play too, most significantly the fact that i share a house with my precious younger brother, who'll find himself in a lurch after i'm gone. i've got some assets he can sell when i go. my parents were alcoholics but they got themselves fixed about 15 years after i was born, and have been largely supportive for the last half of my life. i'm not close with either of my brothers, but i love them dearly, my parents too. they've been with me through some interesting times and don't deserve my resignation.
but i do.
and that's where you come in... if you could educate me in ways to soften the final blow, it would mean a great deal and provide some much-needed comfort. thank you. sorry you're here.
tl/dr: hi, i'm an omnishambles abomination of a specimen that needs entombing. i'm grateful to be here. thanks for peeking, sorry you're here.
________
i'm 36/f/australia and have been a mainstay of my city's best and worst psychiatric institutions for >20 years, gracing their halls with my wit and wisdom and generally being an exemplary patient. i'm always quick with a compliment to the medicos tasked with the tedium of hauling me in or with a light-hearted jab at the police if it's their turn. well, when i'm "well". when i'm "not well" i'm completely dissociating -- and i go Actually Insane with alacrity, but that's a whole other soul-splintering thing.
my pro-life/-death vantage is balanced.
i don't want to die 100%. i've come to know of much beauty in the world, using a transient/homeless period in my 20s to check the public library's history, art, science, and whatever held my interest through the daze. i've enjoyed philosophy: mostly mainländer, literature: kafka/heine/cioran/borges/kafka/kafka/etc., and music: debussy/szymanowski/godowsky and the artist whose work i love playing more than anything else in life -- chopin. but i always feel i'm betraying something when i'm engrossed in these things (not merely the fact that i couldn't even finish year 10 in high school).
then again, i certainly don't want to live, and the scales have always sagged far more heftily on this side. having been gifted with and consistently losing some truly noble and beautiful friends, i'm left to admire the galactic clockwork skyshow that plays out without all the heartache. i had some trauma in my early life but given how much the resulting dissociative disorder controls my existence, i can't bring myself to care about that anymore.
the core of my troubles are simpler. i'm transgendered, something i've never had an opportunity to explore in life -- and never will, because the dissociative disorder rules the roost, period. this is something i can't handle. it's hard enough to accept my brain and its derangements let alone my squalid heart, which twitches with laughable immaturity. shouldn't i be able to transcend this too? i can't. in a "reality" as fragile and blistering as mine, it's something cool and solid to hold onto: the glaring signpost that signals my having trespassed my entire life.
as to my body, well, it's a bit broken owing to a couple of violent suicide attempts that have left me with permanent pain and tinnitus so, coupled with my trans identity -- we're not on speaking terms.
solution? my saint of a psych (for 14 years now!) is out of ideas. the truth is that there's no easy road to take, and my resilience has finally worn too thin for the rougher tracks. i've tried to carry my difficulties with grace and flippance, but the simple act of looking in the mirror these days is... well, halloween's coming up.
i'm presently passing my days flooding my gaba-b receptors with abandon, starving myself, and depriving myself of sleep. there's something stubbornly liberating in lying to myself about being in control of delirium for a change, but i'm running out of time.
practical issues are in play too, most significantly the fact that i share a house with my precious younger brother, who'll find himself in a lurch after i'm gone. i've got some assets he can sell when i go. my parents were alcoholics but they got themselves fixed about 15 years after i was born, and have been largely supportive for the last half of my life. i'm not close with either of my brothers, but i love them dearly, my parents too. they've been with me through some interesting times and don't deserve my resignation.
but i do.
and that's where you come in... if you could educate me in ways to soften the final blow, it would mean a great deal and provide some much-needed comfort. thank you. sorry you're here.
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Little Mook
Member
- Oct 20, 2019
- 88
Hello
I'm 39 , and most days can't stand being here, in my body.
Sometimes I can have better spells when I can enjoy music, food, spending short periods with family.
Mostly I struggle doing anything. Getting washed and leaving the house causes me anxiety, being outside causes me anxiety , being stuck inside , in my head causes me anxiety and anguish. I don't have many friends, none I see IRL.
I'm really tired , and finding a suicide method that would bring peace is soothing.
I'm 39 , and most days can't stand being here, in my body.
Sometimes I can have better spells when I can enjoy music, food, spending short periods with family.
Mostly I struggle doing anything. Getting washed and leaving the house causes me anxiety, being outside causes me anxiety , being stuck inside , in my head causes me anxiety and anguish. I don't have many friends, none I see IRL.
I'm really tired , and finding a suicide method that would bring peace is soothing.
amnotreal
Student
- Oct 20, 2019
- 137
hi
i'm 40. have ptsd and did from childhood trauma. i attempted some when in my early 20's and not again since. i have tried lots of psychiatric meds that didnt help. ketamine assisted therapy has helped but very expensive and hard to get. i get really hopeless and just want to stop hurting.
i'm 40. have ptsd and did from childhood trauma. i attempted some when in my early 20's and not again since. i have tried lots of psychiatric meds that didnt help. ketamine assisted therapy has helped but very expensive and hard to get. i get really hopeless and just want to stop hurting.
I just discovered this thread.
Hello, I'm cookiedough. I'm in my early 20s. I have some diagnosed mental issues and my family is not the most compassionate about it. My entire life is going nowhere because I've made so many mistakes. I'm irreparable, I've never been happy. I've been suicidal since I was 10. This life wasn't for me. My time to go will come soon. But for now, I'm so glad I found this website. No one judges here.
Hello, I'm cookiedough. I'm in my early 20s. I have some diagnosed mental issues and my family is not the most compassionate about it. My entire life is going nowhere because I've made so many mistakes. I'm irreparable, I've never been happy. I've been suicidal since I was 10. This life wasn't for me. My time to go will come soon. But for now, I'm so glad I found this website. No one judges here.
Brick In The Wall
2M Or Not 2B.
- Oct 30, 2019
- 25,158
Thanks for having me. I'm a 32 year old male from the US. This website has been a great resource for perfecting my method and everyone here seems caring and compassionate. I look forward to becoming a small part of this community until I decide it's my time to go.
Idontexist
Member
- Oct 30, 2019
- 14
Hello everyone
I am a 29yo female from France. I'm already dead inside since a while, I'm here for methods and ressources. I have failed everything in my life I don't want to fail my death...
I am a 29yo female from France. I'm already dead inside since a while, I'm here for methods and ressources. I have failed everything in my life I don't want to fail my death...
Polka
Student
- Oct 6, 2019
- 135
Lotus1818
Experienced
- Nov 4, 2019
- 248
Hey everyone i'm a 26 year old male. I really hope you guys don't mind that i'm a bit more on the younger side. I work as an animator at a big company in The Netherlands. I've been feeling pretty empty for a while now. I feel like I've experience everything that life has to offer and I wouldn't mind being dead or alive. Allot of my friends don't like talking about this stuff. That's why I wanted to join this forum to talk to more people who are comfortable about this topic.
sleepy dog
Wizard
- Sep 13, 2019
- 624
Hey everyone i'm a 26 year old male. I really hope you guys don't mind that i'm a bit more on the younger side. I work as an animator at a big company in The Netherlands. I've been feeling pretty empty for a while now. I feel like I've experience everything that life has to offer and I wouldn't mind being dead or alive. Allot of my friends don't like talking about this stuff. That's why I wanted to join this forum to talk to more people who are comfortable about this topic.
Do you have other accounts on this forum?
Lotus1818
Experienced
- Nov 4, 2019
- 248
sleepy dog
Wizard
- Sep 13, 2019
- 624
Lotus1818
Experienced
- Nov 4, 2019
- 248
Hi everyone, I'm a 22 year old male from the UK. Currently studying psychology at university. I've suffered with on/off depression for about 3-4 years now, and have thought about suicide for around 2 years. I had a relationship of 8 months which ended in July which felt like a beautiful dream which made me forget about all of my issues, but reality hit back really hard and my on/off depression has been on and on and on and on. I have a lot of preparing to do but I feel ready and I'm expecting that I won't be here to welcome 2020
Polka
Student
- Oct 6, 2019
- 135
WhyIsLife56
Antinatalism + Efilism ❤️
- Nov 4, 2019
- 1,075
Hi I'm 24 and I used to live in South Korea but I'm in the US for college.
Due to the cultural problems in Korea, I death with physical abuse, emotional abuse and mental abuse and had depression and low will to live since I was a kid. I came to the US cause I thought it would help with being away from the family but it hasn't helped much as my thoughts keep following me wherever I go.
A few years ago, I almost attempted suicide (I was going to drown in a lake) but now I wish I could've drowned.
I'm glad I came across this forum.
Due to the cultural problems in Korea, I death with physical abuse, emotional abuse and mental abuse and had depression and low will to live since I was a kid. I came to the US cause I thought it would help with being away from the family but it hasn't helped much as my thoughts keep following me wherever I go.
A few years ago, I almost attempted suicide (I was going to drown in a lake) but now I wish I could've drowned.
I'm glad I came across this forum.
bigoutfit
Member
- Oct 7, 2019
- 50
Hi I am bigoutfit, that is not my real name . I tried to CTB in the summer via the charcoal method and very nearly succeeded but I think I know where I went wrong so if and when I try again with this method I am sure I can get it right.
I have joined SS to interact with like minded people and to also look into other methods as well.
I lurked for a few weeks before finally signing up here. Also I love Pikachu
. I tried to CTB in the summer via the charcoal method and very nearly succeeded but I think I know where I went wrong so if and when I try again with this method I am sure I can get it right.I have joined SS to interact with like minded people and to also look into other methods as well.
I lurked for a few weeks before finally signing up here. Also I love Pikachu
Hi, I'm new here, you can call me blipblap or blip.
I honestly don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not in a good place in life, but I'm not really that fucked. I just feel distressed.
I consider suicide pretty frequently (even though my reasons are rather stupid), however there are still many downsides to it. So I'm not sure what direction I'll take.
I have some goals though; little nitpicks of how I'd like to go in case I did.
I used to draw a lot when I was little. At this point in life, going through my old drawings undoubtedly makes me cry. I'm not sure why.
That profile pic was drawn by me, it looks nothing like me but I had no other profile pic ideas that wouldn't cause me distress.
I look forward to hearing what everyone has to say. Not growing too attached of course, since... well... you know...
Anyway, hello world.
I honestly don't know what I'm doing here. I'm not in a good place in life, but I'm not really that fucked. I just feel distressed.
I consider suicide pretty frequently (even though my reasons are rather stupid), however there are still many downsides to it. So I'm not sure what direction I'll take.
I have some goals though; little nitpicks of how I'd like to go in case I did.
I used to draw a lot when I was little. At this point in life, going through my old drawings undoubtedly makes me cry. I'm not sure why.
That profile pic was drawn by me, it looks nothing like me but I had no other profile pic ideas that wouldn't cause me distress.
I look forward to hearing what everyone has to say. Not growing too attached of course, since... well... you know...
Anyway, hello world.
BrokenAngel8
I'm so lonely, broken angel
- Nov 7, 2019
- 58
Hi. You can (ironically) call me Angel. 24, Asian. I've been lurking on this website for quite a while, more intensively earlier this year when I was preparing for ctb by SN. Bailed out thinking life was worth living, oh boy who am I kidding. Anyway I decided to sign up for an account and decided I would leave some venting here, because I consider this place as a safe space where I don't have to worry about pouring out my thoughts and making people around me paranoid. I was diagnosed for MDD, later with anxiety as well, and was medicated for 3 years before I decided to get off cold turkey, those meds cocktail messed my head a lot more than my insanity. I'm still figuring out on how to be active in this forum so I wish y'all safe journey and until then, I'll see you around.
I'm 47 and I'm bedridden with physical illness. My purpose in life was to be a father to my 2 boys. They live with their mom and my purpose was taken from me as I can't leave or do anything. I'm also suffering physically and hardly sleeping.
I am 26 and live in Ireland. I have aspergers. My hobbies include sleeping and wasting my life away. Nice to meet you all.
MisanthropicLycan
What God's will rise from the abyss of our souls?
- Nov 4, 2019
- 101
To use a military term I am completely and utterly F.U.B.A.R. 30 year old male. Bipolar depression and OCD. Nihilistic and Suicidal Alcoholic and crystal methamphetamine addict. I am an antisocial loner with very few friends. I like guns and target shooting. I like the occult and black magick. Horror movies. Writing morbid poetry. I like to cut my flesh every now and then. Self-mutilation and bloodletting with ritual daggers and razor-blades. I am a wretched God of Self-Destruction. I hate myself and am in a constant state of self-loathing. I have an impressive library of scars. I like dogs and wandering in the forest.
I've lost the will to live stranger.
I've lost the will to live stranger.
Hi, I'm a 34-year-old BPD male a pathetic wretch of a human being wish I'd never been born I plan to CTB one day I can't help but be nihilistic in this world of cruelty.
Lotus1818
Experienced
- Nov 4, 2019
- 248
Damn man I'm so sorry for whats happening to you. I understand the physical pain myself. Good luck my friend
