Introduce yourself

[Laststop]

Hello. I'm a long time lurker, and just became a member. Like a lot of people here, life hasn't been so great. I come from a NE US States lower class family. Lots of lies, abuse, and dysfunction. I was abused physically, mentally, and sexually. I'm a 49 year old man, but for a while I had a steady well paying job, and have lived on my own in a crumby rented room. I made enough to live somewhat like I wanted to, to get by. Being socially awkward, agoraphobic, and I believe on the spectrum somewhere, I love nerdy/geeky things, and would collect vintage items of them to sublimate not having a life. My family sucks, and is a mess. The generation before me were all sleeping together, and I have no idea who my father really is. Although I was raised by the man I always thought was, and his parents for a good part of my teens. My grandparents were the happiest thing I ever had, but they're both dead. My mother abandoned me when I was an infant, and a sister too, who just came back into my life...seemingly for the first time, separated when I was a little over one, and her a new born. Things were always bad enough. But I recently was fired from the job I had for 20 years. I went from making good money, to a crumby job that I quit tonight before I had a panic attack, or went crazy and broke shit. I was making about a third of the job I had for 20, where I had some pride, and seniority. They wouldn't tell me why, but I think it was over some BS someone said I said, which I didn't, not like they were claiming. Anyway, the first time I thought about CTB was when I was about 14, or 15. I was staying with that mother who had abandoned me, thinking I was leaving a shit existence for something better. It wasn't. My alcoholic step-father had a shit ton of guns, including a .44 magnum. I saw were he kept it, because he like to show it off. One day when they weren't home I sat on their bed with it, and thought about doing it. Thing is, I have guns. Now including the very same model .44 magnum, which I arranged to buy the day before I got let go, and met and bought it on the very day I lost everything. Weird, huh? So one day everything is so-so OK, and the next I'm nearly 50, and looking for a job. I have a car that's giving me problems, diabetes, and I'm just tired. I can't work really hard at a new job like a kid anymore. And it's all, "go go go! Harder...faster!" Even the shitty job I quit tonight...it paid so little (just enough to cover my bills) I thought it'd be laid back. Nope. So, history being long, just to get to the point: I've had a really terrible family life, all the support I had from the good people is gone, I live alone without friends who are really close, and what family I have is spread out, all with their own problems, or, as is the case with the sister, I'm not that close to. And I don't really want to delve too deep into getting to know her, because I hate life, don't like being around people, and have never measured up to what "normal" people are into. And here's the pathetic, but honest, thing. At almost 50, the only thing I really want in life is to live the 1980s again when I was alone with my grandparents. To be a teen again. Jean jackets, new paper bag book covers each semester you doodled to complete coverage, the TV show, movies, music, cereal and their toy surprises, dreaming about girls (the diabetes took away my ability to get an errection, I can't even pleasure myself anymore), and, even though I didn't see myself as a high achiever, I had optimism and hope for the few dreams I had...which have all failed. Or, I failed. So I'm about 50, and don't see a point anymore. What I had was crap, and I'm at the starting point again with no hope, aspirations, and money running out. Body falling apart. Bald, overweight, bad teeth and gums. In pain all the time from working hard for so long. No one is jumping to help me, and I don't even want to help myself anymore. I should have done it when I was 15. I don't believe I'm saying it. But when I quit that job it was my CTB proclamation.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Welcome Laststop. Your honesty and self perceptions are admirable in their intelligence. Your story is very sad and moving. It seems that the more poverty that surrounds a family, the more violence and unhappiness for all flourish. There's never a thought to enlightenment, or education, or just appreciation of the world around, nor the ability to live on the side of goodness, the values of love and understanding, and so much more missing in your family life. When one is in that kind of a situation, they are BOUND to it, the negativity and poverty like a prison hidden away from possibility. It's very sad that such sorrow is growing more common, things are getting tougher to survive, and people are getting meaner. But, I praise you, for you are not mean. But, about coming to an age where one is worn out physically and mentally, alone and tired, I understand you completely. I'm so sorry for the opportunities you missed out in life, in a way, your story is poetic. While the establishment is enriching itself with depravity, too many families and people are undergoing a poverty of finances, and opportunities for life. Hope can be a strange thing at times in life, what we can expect when we've lost so much, is a possibility you may consider. Perhaps opening your mind to something new, there are yoga teachers for help with diabetes. Wishing you the best. Some people are lucky enough to run away from their families, mentally and physically. Run away Last Stop IMHO. Welcome again. Best wishes, Cleo

 

[Irregularity]

Hello ladies and gents

I'm just a 24 yr old guy who's been lurking and enjoying reading some of these posts and feeling the void stare back at me as I realize that other people experience similar and familiar emotional experiences that I do. Thank you for that. I also like to read guides on better methods of suicide if I ever one day get over my survival instincts and have nothing that needs me on this world.

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. My family and I have struggled with a wide variety of mental illness I likely have a mixture of a few but who can tell with all the repressed trauma. I function semi-well. I support myself currently and go to school with decent grades. I served a term in the military honorably. I've always been able to function while feeling myself being eaten alive from the inside by my emotions. I never break down and stop functioning unless I first get to a safe place to do it --- I can hold off my psychotic breaks for a few weeks by shutting off my emotions and allowing logic to dominate every action until I have a few days to fall apart. I don't know if that's a strength or not but it's an adaptation to a painful life I guess I've just found ways to exist within the system while following my own rules. I've never tried medication for depression since I've never liked the science behind them and I disagree with how they effect the cognition and behavior of the patients though I've gotten scripts for whatever I've asked for in the past.

I've always treated depression in a weird way in that I've always welcomed it. I feel that it's not something to fight and it's not something that is against me. It's just something that is. I let myself feel it, enjoy it, and let it pass if it wants to. However for the past few weeks I have been struggling to be in public and eat but my lifestyle currently permits me those luxuries I'm sure when survival necessitates overcoming that I will do so (hopefully). In my teenage years I wrote poetry to try and give beauty to darkness and depression. I've always found a certain glow to the void even in experiencing emotional pain I try to find a way to enjoy it (a bit twisted I know)....different emotions are like different flavors.

I've tried to kill myself twice before and failed. I'll likely be on here for a while so feel free to shoot me a message

 

[Ko9]

I am Ko9, I am an 18 year old Dutch male who is diagnosed with Autism at the age of 7 and with a chronically depression at 12. I never fit in to well with this world/society. I got kicked out of high school, never made friends, I had feelings for someone but that was projection and didn't end to well. When I got kicked out of high school I spend a year in a mental hospital where I was pretty happy, sounds probably strange but I had a couple of friends at the same age. And now I live in an apartment complex. Alone all day. There is some perspective but I do not know for sure if this life is one worth living, and that brought me here I guess.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Nursing was something I really took pride in. I guess if I didn't care about myself, at least I could care for others. I quit after getting a back injury transferring a patient to an exam table. I wasn't able to stand or sit for long periods, and living was out. The major back injury came from a fall off a ladder. That happened in 2012. It's progressively gotten worse, and every doctor tells me " well, you'll never be pain free." Guess what, I can be pain free, it's just a more permanent solution. Too bad it's just going to be awhile.
Dogs are great. They are my babies, and yes dogs (and many other animals) are nicer than most people. My mother in law gripes at us because I didn't squeeze out a kid, but neither of us really wanted children. My husband has been working on his PHD, and I've been working on an indentation on the couch. Plus, I'd be worthless in the state I'm in, and just feel like even more of a burden when husband has to do childcare. Ah well, the earth is too populated, anyways.

It's very sad to hear about the accident that stole your life, I understand personally. One day is life, the next is the absence of the feelings of worth and happiness, and the ever oppressive pain; who could think of anything except escape. Have you tried any alternative remedies for pain? Between us nurses, I favor them over Big Pharma. Can I ask, if in the indentation of your couch, is there any way to think of something that might interest you done from a immobile position. Perhaps on the net? Perhaps something medical, research, I think there are sites of nurses on facebook that communicate about medicine, they have some interesting ideas. Or, do you have any creative interests, drawing, writing, a study of some kind? Anyway, wishing you the best, life sucks sometimes for sure; I hope you can find a way to better suppress the pain. Cleo

 

[Pilum Muralis]

It's very sad to hear about the accident that stole your life, I understand personally. One day is life, the next is the absence of the feelings of worth and happiness, and the ever oppressive pain; who could think of anything except escape. Have you tried any alternative remedies for pain? Between us nurses, I favor them over Big Pharma. Can I ask, if in the indentation of your couch, is there any way to think of something that might interest you done from a immobile position. Perhaps on the net? Perhaps something medical, research, I think there are sites of nurses on facebook that communicate about medicine, they have some interesting ideas. Or, do you have any creative interests, drawing, writing, a study of some kind? Anyway, wishing you the best, life sucks sometimes for sure; I hope you can find a way to better suppress the pain. Cleo

I've tried acupuncture, massage, and Chiropractors. I do some yoga, that helps a bit, but the relief doesn't last very long. I did try CBD oil several times, but i don't think im doing it right. I get impatient and expect results. I'll try again. Just need to find a brand that seems to work. I'm taking glucosamine/chondroitin now, and Eucommia bark drops. I can't tell what works, since I'm loaded up with pain meds. The pain management doctor wants to eventual get my stimulator correctly calibrated so I'll get some benefit, and hopefully wean me off the Percocet.
As a matter of fact, today we worked on one of our spare bedrooms we use for storage, and husband wants to make it a workspace for me, to paint and do my needlework. I'm going to put my motorized recliner in there, and hopefully get that creative spark. Guess we'll see.

 

[Cleopatra123]

I've tried acupuncture, massage, and Chiropractors. I do some yoga, that helps a bit, but the relief doesn't last very long. I did try CBD oil several times, but i don't think im doing it right. I get impatient and expect results. I'll try again. Just need to find a brand that seems to work. I'm taking glucosamine/chondroitin now, and Eucommia bark drops. I can't tell what works, since I'm loaded up with pain meds. The pain management doctor wants to eventual get my stimulator correctly calibrated so I'll get some benefit, and hopefully wean me off the Percocet.
As a matter of fact, today we worked on one of our spare bedrooms we use for storage, and husband wants to make it a workspace for me, to paint and do my needlework. I'm going to put my motorized recliner in there, and hopefully get that creative spark. Guess we'll see.

Ah, sounds like some positive happenings. I haven't tried the CBD Oil, my stomach hates any oil, and I don't know if they have down the correct pharmacological formula for each individual ailment. For instance, a Dr. told me weed was good for the heart. I was told by a medicinal growing farm INDICA was good for hypertension, but I found it more expensive, and no more affective than good TCH less expensive. A couple of areas that struck out to me in researching many ailments, is that they are very stress producing. Studying Stress I learned it can create a whole lot of double trouble to the original problem; for you pain. Mental stress, eventual neuro involvement of differing types. At any rate, I think weed lessens the perception of pain, the feeling of swelling all over, relaxes the mind and lets it wander a bit away from the everpresent awareness of pain. I would find the right natural anti stress hormone suppressant also, a good cup of chamomile flowers infused a bit one cup 3 times a day I find acts as a cumulative relaxant. The last thing I'll mention is a homeopathic anti-inflammatory. Mathatma Ghandi once stated that homeopathy has cured more illness than any other medicine. The pain and dysfunction caused by you spine is bound to affect your immune system which is overworked and will run around trying to fix non-existant things causing extended pain or symptoms. There is a homeopathic pharmacy for professionals, whom they consider and sell to as professionals, they have some good remedies; and sometimes will give you advice. Anyhow, just some thoughts, since you are thinking positive. Painting is a wonderful idea, it will take you mind to other places. I used to draw a lot, I loved pencil, charcoal and water pastels. Since I have become so inactive myself, for the past 5 years I've taken to studying formal poetry; had real passion for it. You are young, have faith in yourself.

 

[Architect]

Hi, I'm a 25 y.o. guy from Europe.
I've been lurking this forum for about 5 months and eventually I decided to register.

I've always felt that there were some differences between me and my peers. Those differences grew bigger during my teenage years, when my father died. When I was in highschool, I started to have suicidal thoughs and my first rejection just made it worse. For a while I've tried to focus on my studies, but anxiety and self desctructive feelings made it kinda hard. I've abandoned uni for a while, but then I decided to start again: right now I'm still struggling to get my degree in architecture, even though I feel so detached from what I'm studying that I don't even remember why I started this journey...
During the last months suicidal thoughts came back and since then they've been building up in my mind and I started drinking regularly while trying to maintain some sort of facade.
I tried a couple of times to show my real feelings to my closest friends and my family but, even though they tried to understand (to a really limited extent) they just told me the same generic stuff that I already knew.

I haven't been diagnosed with autism and I don't suffer from any serious/terminal illness.
I don't know if I'm clinically depressed, since I never sought any medical help, even if I was advised to.

I'm just hopeless.

Thank you for your time!
(p.s: sorry if some parts sound funny: English isn't my main language and I didn't want to turn this post into an endless ramble).

 

[andy69]

Thank you for the kind words. I'm pretty conflicted at the moment. My parents are catholic, my step-dad being a lot more conservative than my mum. I want to come out of the closet and find a bf and live happily ever after. But like I said, I can't do the whole sex thing even though I'm not asexual in the slightest. Not to mention i find it very difficult to talk to people, especially men i'm attracted to. Also I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my family as they are all that I've got. It's for these reasons that I feel hopeless and why I'm on a site called sanctionedsuicide. I don't really want to kill myself, but I don't want to exist either. I wish life was less complicated.

Hello. I am an older gay man. My life in my twenties was very lonely. I did find a relationship eventually. You might find ways to reconcile your sexuality with the rest of your life.

 

[Lyra]

Hello. I am a 31yo female from the UK.
I'm pretty much a recluse, have stopped caring about myself and have destroyed all hope in my life
I like to watch a lot of documentaries to escape my mind for a while. Sleep is also nice.
It's refreshing to find a place where I can be so open about "ctb" (so many new abbreviations)

 

[Marianne]

Hello. I am a 31yo female from the UK.
I'm pretty much a recluse, have stopped caring about myself and have destroyed all hope in my life
I like to watch a lot of documentaries to escape my mind for a while. Sleep is also nice.
It's refreshing to find a place where I can be so open about "ctb" (so many new abbreviations)

Is your username a reference to His Dark Materials? My favourite books. :)

While I'm here... 33yo, female, from Oceania. I'm autistic and have multiple mental illnesses to go along with that, and I'm pretty done with myself & dealing with it all. My username is a reference to the song 'Marianne' by Tori Amos. I'm super into music & gigs, and spend most of my time chilling with my cats and reading

 

[Lyra]

Is your username a reference to His Dark Materials? My favourite books. :)

That's where I discovered the name but I can't say I've read the books. Maybe I will if I'm ever in a reading mood again.

 

[moomin]

Hi there, I'm a 21yo F from Italy, currently a college student. I've suffered from depression since late childhood, although I've never been diagnosed properly. I definitely wouldn't say it's clinical, but there are times in which my brain just acts on its own. This year in particular has been bad on many levels — broke up with my first serious boyfriend, lost my friends due to my relationship with him, am surrounded by functional psychopaths in my family — which is the reason why I'm here: I have suicidal thoughts and try to handle them as much as I can. Because of my condition I'm not able to make long-term friendships and I appear very pathetic in front of others. There are many things that are wrong with how I'm wired and it makes me miserable to the bone.

I can't afford a therapist on my own, and having no friends whatsoever to talk to I decided to give this forum a chance.

 

[Leesap]

I'm a 60 year old female, I live in Australia. I am not depressed per se. That Victorian cause of suicide "poverty" is my motivator.

 

[Black_Knight]

Hello. I'm 24/m. It's nice to meet you all. I'm glad there's somewhere like here where there are likeminded people.

 

[Miserable]

Male 35 Montreal. I've been on sick leave for a little over a year after being psychologically and sexually harassed (you can read all the stupid details on my blog if you like https://theundergroundman646.com/2019/01/30/bell-lets-talk-my-nightmare-econcordia/). I lost my gf. Gained a lot of weight. Spent 6 days in jail (over Christmas for sending to many emails - its in the blog post). I have a helium tank I think I've set up correctly. I've simulated a couple of times but got really hot and just scared. Suicide comforts me though. I feel constantly embarrassed and humiliated, always cringing at myself and everything in my past. Hate my body especially since I've gained weight after all this started.
I'm just waiting right now. Being on sick leave makes it easier to hope and wait but I think ultimately I will be dying

 

[Painted Bird]

Hi, I'm a 38-years-old male living in Europe. I've been interested in the topic of suicide for many years now, all aspects of it.

 

[Connor36082]

Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!

Hi I am an 18 year old male born and living in the UK. I have BPD, so I struggle with depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts daily. I have decided to kill myself, I just don't know when yet. It's nice to meet people who feel the same and give some great advice. I hope I can be some use to someone on this forum.

 

[thomasdoyletad]

I feel like I should introduce myself. I suppose the real thrust of such an introduction should be how I ended up here. I've been diagnosed with more things than I care to rattle off and the general feeling from the professional side seems to be that I'm a lost cause. Not that they'll never admit it outright, but it couldn't be anymore obvious. I've been on the, 'there is help out there!' hamster wheel for over a decade, and concluded years ago that this is not in fact true. I spent a long time trying to get my shit sorted by myself as a result, and made a lot of progress but you can only remain self-motivated in the absence of any positive change for so long. I should write more but I've been trying to finish this for days and have gotten nowhere. I'm just here so I can hopefully talk to people who understand certain things.

 

[Cleopatra123]

I feel like I should introduce myself. I suppose the real thrust of such an introduction should be how I ended up here. I've been diagnosed with more things than I care to rattle off and the general feeling from the professional side seems to be that I'm a lost cause. Not that they'll never admit it outright, but it couldn't be anymore obvious. I've been on the, 'there is help out there!' hamster wheel for over a decade, and concluded years ago that this is not in fact true. I spent a long time trying to get my shit sorted by myself as a result, and made a lot of progress but you can only remain self-motivated in the absence of any positive change for so long. I should write more but I've been trying to finish this for days and have gotten nowhere. I'm just here so I can hopefully talk to people who understand certain things.

Sorry you've been through such difficult times, and are feeling hopeless; also for whatever happened to you to cause your diagnoses. You say you made "progress" on your own, but say there is an "absence of positive change". These two things are a bit contradictory, you recognize making progress, on your own, and talk next of no positive change. It seems to me that you did, and should give yourself credit to your self where it is due; this in itself would appear a positive change. I know it's a very hard process; you are among so many who feel lost. Making progress your self is a big positive, I hope it brings the changes you are looking for by keeping up the good work, though it's tough, it's a very hard world now and you are certainly not alone.

 

[thomasdoyletad]

These two things are a bit contradictory, you recognize making progress, on your own, and talk next of no positive change.

Sorry for the ambiguity. I mean I made personal progress, but it did not lead to any kind of lifestyle change. Before I was either anorexic or overweight, and couldn't go outside due to anxiety. I managed to get past that as well as other bad habits. I started trying to engage with people and society. Worked hard to try to get a job, gain skills, meet people, etc., I made some progress. I got very fit, I built up a big following on a social media site, did several classes to gain skills and saved money to start a business, but nothing changed my actual lifestyle in terms of alienation and isolation, and nothing changed my mental state in that no matter how well I'm doing I know any random morning I can wake up, and the rug will be pulled from under me and my motivation will be zero, and after many years of beating my head against that particular wall I'm more or less back where I started minus the anxiety. Though rather than anxiety keeping me from engaging with people it's pre-emptive mistrust for all the times I've been screwed over, and feelings of inevitable disaster since the few people I've known and cared for have either died, disappeared or caught the bus. My mental state and lifestyle only gets worse over time and effort can only slow it down, but I don't have the energy for it anymore.

 

[hamnspammaam]

I should've came here first ig. Hello. 18F here from the US. Been diagnosed since I was 11 with severe depression. I'm sure I had it longer that was just my first suicide attempt I got caught doing. Life's been a rollercoaster, but I'm nearing the end of my ride. I'm sorry if that was lame. For some reason my illness doesn't care much for my current state in life. My mind won't rest. Maybe I'll find a better way here.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Sorry for the ambiguity. I mean I made personal progress, but it did not lead to any kind of lifestyle change. Before I was either anorexic or overweight, and couldn't go outside due to anxiety. I managed to get past that as well as other bad habits. I started trying to engage with people and society. Worked hard to try to get a job, gain skills, meet people, etc., I made some progress. I got very fit, I built up a big following on a social media site, did several classes to gain skills and saved money to start a business, but nothing changed my actual lifestyle in terms of alienation and isolation, and nothing changed my mental state in that no matter how well I'm doing I know any random morning I can wake up, and the rug will be pulled from under me and my motivation will be zero, and after many years of beating my head against that particular wall I'm more or less back where I started minus the anxiety. Though rather than anxiety keeping me from engaging with people it's pre-emptive mistrust for all the times I've been screwed over, and feelings of inevitable disaster since the few people I've known and cared for have either died, disappeared or caught the bus. My mental state and lifestyle only gets worse over time and effort can only slow it down, but I don't have the energy for it anymore.

I have to commend you (clapping) for your strength and all you have done with it to make a life for yourself. But, I understand, I think that underlying anxieties are disturbing the process of positive social interaction, and perhaps a relationship. I think social alienation and isolation are an at epidemic heights. It would be interesting to know what causes your fear of the "rug being pulled from under" you. I sense you are quite younger than I, but I recall so many times rugs were pulled out from under me, what terrible times. But, it is very common, society is more dissociated from true and sincere communication. But, I think it would be a good idea to find the source of your fears, is it a lack of confidence? Where is it that you hope to get to, the place that will make you feel secure; and be able to withstand those inevitable rug dances. Is the feeling of lack of energy because of a goal you find so difficult to obtain?

 

[Echofox7]

Hi everyone, from Europe here. Hope everyone is well

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

This is about 45 posts late, but I figure I'd better post here as it's probably the right thing to do. I'll stick with bullet points as the rest of my posts probably reveal more than enough about me as it is.

43/M/Australia.
First diagnosed with ASD aged 3.
First diagnosed with depression aged 9.
Rejected my ASD diagnosis and started actively masking at 13.
Started planning to ctb at age 32, but didn't get serious until I was 36 (had method and location selected, but sudden change of circumstance stopped me).
Lived like a neurotypical until I was 38.
Rediagnosed with ASD/Aspergers (depending on which version of the DSM you believe), with a serving of adult onset ADHD on the side.
Diagnosed with Bipolar 2 earlier this year, after what my neuropsych referred to as a "catastrophic burnout" (Google "Autistic burnout").
Voluntarily admitted to a psych ward.
Got made redundant from my job whilst I was in the psych ward (unconnected to my extended leave, about a dozen positions were cut at once).

I'm running out of options, as my career was built on masking as an NT, and I'm unable to mask anymore. I'm also too old and financially committed to change career, nor do I have the cognitive energy to continue masking. I have disability insurance, but mental health claims are really hard work and have a relatively high failure rate as it's much harder to prove than say a heart attack or cancer. My life insurance will pay out if I ctb. That's important because I have a few commitments I acquired whilst living as an NT (spouse, child, mortgage) and I wouldn't ctb if it means leaving my family homeless.

Finding SS has been really helpful. I've been umming and ahhing about joining a pro-choice group that publishes a specific book, as ASD is a lifelong condition that often has an adverse impact on quality of life and I'd like to support this group's work. Whilst I'd prefer to go through the proper channels for voluntary euthanasia, I'm left with no alternative but to DIY.

So yeah ... a whole stack of First World Problems there, but it is what it is.

 

[bigthief]

What's up everyone I'm bigthief I'm 22 and I like strawberry jam with no lumps.

This year I was hospitalized for nearly half a year with anorexia and lost pretty much everyone I was close to for reasons unknown to me (my best guess is generally being a burden).

Things haven't looked good for a long time. I don't fit into this world. I've been haunting suicide forums since middle school and failed my first real attempt last week. Trying to sleep the days away until I figure out a better method.

 

[thomasdoyletad]

But, I understand, I think that underlying anxieties are disturbing the process of positive social interaction, and perhaps a relationship.

I don't care about social interaction. The only people I connect with are fucked in the head. A lot of them end up disappearing, catching the bus or they end up dead or in prison. Or because they're fucked in the head I end up cutting myself off from them because dealing with them is often a net drain in situations where I don't even have enough energy for myself.

It would be interesting to know what causes your fear of the "rug being pulled from under" you.

Because it happens all the time, and I'm at a point where even small obstacles, which are more or less inevitable, are beyond what I can cope with.

But, I think it would be a good idea to find the source of your fears, is it a lack of confidence? Where is it that you hope to get to, the place that will make you feel secure; and be able to withstand those inevitable rug dances. Is the feeling of lack of energy because of a goal you find so difficult to obtain?

I have no issues with confidence. I know what people like me are worth in our culture. That's another matter, and my irrational fears are either dealt with or don't get in my way. I've given up on my goals and set my sights lower. So low I can't be bothered pursuing them.

 

[New_dawn_fades]

My name is Es. I've just turned 25. I have severe depression since I was 11. I feel like my existence is pointless and I have no skills or anything to live for. I think I have carried this pain for way too long, and after some failed attempts, I'm planning to CTB hopefully (finally) this year. I came here to feel less lonely, share my feelings and put an ending to my journey. I also hope to find a partner / partners that may be interested to spend some time together before passing and sharing experiences, but if it is not the case I'm not really concerned about doing it on my own as I'm determined to end my life.
A brief description about me:
I enjoy playing videogames and work in the videogame indrustry.
I love music, expecially death metal and grindcore but also a lot of other genres.
I'm currently based in Scotland.
Nice to meet y'all!

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

What's up everyone I'm bigthief I'm 22 and I like strawberry jam with no lumps.

How do you feel about strawberry jam with pips in it? I prefer fewer pips where possible.

 

[ToodleyDoKangaroo]

Hey All!

So I will save you the original post that I was going to make (it was very long and I wasn't even done writing it) and I will give you the TLDR version. You can call me Roo; I'm 30 and I live in the US. I lurked on the forum for a bit before I joined. Everyone seemed so open and supportive and I thought this would be the perfect place to convene with like-minded folks. As for a bit of history, both of my parents were addicts and I watched them struggle with both depression and bipolar disorder throughout my childhood. They were both abusive toward me and each other. The first time I remember wanting to CTB was at five years old. I didn't know what the concept of death really was, but I knew I wanted to hurt myself and I didn't want to exist anymore. At seven, I discovered cutting and how much it soothed me. At sixteen, I attempted to CTB by taking 63 Excedrin PMs but it just put me into what they called "a combative coma." Apparently, I took on a doctor, a few paramedics, and my dad while I was out of it. As for the experience itself, I remember falling asleep thinking it was the last time I ever would and I felt the most at peace that I've ever felt in my life. It was like my suffering was finally over. Then, I woke up. I was perfectly fine health-wise, bu I was hella pissed! Everyone was nice to me because they didn't initially know I tried to CTB. They thought I had meningitis and then encephalitis because my brain was swelling. In the end, people found out and they were mad at me. They wanted to commit me but my dad took me out of the hospital AMA. The next couple of years were spent trying to hide it from our small community. Once I went to college, my life got situationally better. I had more friends and I had pretty much escaped my abusive home life, but it seemed to keep creeping back in at times, since I didn't go that far away for college. Then, I decided to go to grad school across the country--so far away that no one would ever be able to influence my life. Moving that far away from anyone I knew was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. I guess by moving around a lot as a kid and by not having many friends anyway, it made the transition easier. I really loved what I was doing in grad school, but I was emotionally all over the place. I didn't have any money so I was barely making ends meet. Eventually, I started to meet people and I began to date.

It wasn't until I went through a horrible breakup did things escalate. I went from being utter ecstatic and in love to sitting on my couch with a bottle of vodka and a piece of glass to my wrist. I think that started the extreme swings. I tried to get help from the school psychiatrist, but he basically told me that I just had a shitty life and I would be fine. I did have a nice therapist but, from my experience, therapy can only get you so far. However, things started getting better. I got jobs and continued with school. I also began dating my current boyfriend, which made my life a lot better.

If any of you have ever been through post-grad, it's rough! I spent eight months looking for jobs and all of my friends that I made moved away. When I finally got a job, my coworkers were horrible. I had to leave it because they said such horrible things to me. I went through shitty job after shitty job and I was completely defeated. It got to the point that I went through a breakdown. First, I went to a GP physician and she gave me antidepressants. When I took them, it felt like lightning was going through my veins. I felt like I could fly. But then I crashed...hard. One day, I went out for my lunch break, bought razor blades, and took them to my car. I knew I was losing it and I tried to get a doctor's appointment. But, before the next day, I was already slashing myself. By the time I went in for the appointment, I was really cut up and I begged the intake therapist to help me.

Here's what "helping" meant: they put me in a room for ten hours with no food or water. I couldn't go to the bathroom alone. The only way I did get food and water was at the mercy of my friends. When they finally did take me to an actual hospital, my things were confiscated. I couldn't do anything but pace down the hallway and, eventually, they got angry with me for that. I couldn't even take a pencil and write in my room. They checked on me every fifteen minutes. I didn't even see a doctor until the next morning. I spent all of that time for him to take two minutes to tell me that I had bipolar disorder because the antidepressants were making me manic. I already suspected this, as I told the first doctor about my family history. After seeing the doctor, I was, luckily, released.

Ever since then, it's been a battle of the meds. It took a year to figure out something that sort of works. I still have fairly significant ups and downs, but the duration of them is shorter. I'm afraid to go back to the doctor and tell her I'm still having them because I don't want to go through a series of meds again and maybe end up more messed up. I haven't had a good therapist in years and, at this point, I doubt its effectiveness. My boyfriend continues to be very supportive, but I know it's hard for him to deal with because I had to deal with it to with my mother. I finally have a good job and nice coworkers. It's not what I went to school to do, which is pretty disappointing.

In the end, CTB is always an option and, to be honest, I've always seen that as being the way I go. When I'm down, I think about it a lot and when I'm up, I don't think about it much at all. So, if I ever make that decision, it would be when I'm level-headed--when I'm somewhere in the middle. It would be a long, educated decision and I'm sure it would have to depend on life circumstances. I already feel like a burden to those around me and I don't want to leave a huge emotional footprint behind when I go. Is it better to make them suffer as long as I live or is it better to rip off the band-aid and go quickly so maybe they'll be able to live happy lives without being worried about me? Also, there's the fact that CTB is scary and painful and, although I was a cutter, I'm still scared of having a lot of pain.

I'm here because you all seem like you're going through a lot of the same struggles, albeit different circumstances. I feel like I can discuss my thoughts and feelings freely here whereas in my life, people would be scared or wouldn't be able to handle it at all. So, I'm looking forward to getting to know some or all of you. I'm glad to be here.

As for interests, I love my cats! I play LOL and I just unlocked all of the Smash characters recently. I've also been into Tropico 5 lately. I love to read and write (in case this long ass post wasn't an indicator of that). I paint sometimes and I'm really into television and documentaries. My boyfriend and I just finished Season 4 of Better Call Saul and it was amazing! Right now, we're watching MasterChef and I'm really into Beat Shazaam. That leads me into the fact that I LOVE MUSIC! It's been my coping skill since I was a child and I'm pretty much into every genre, depending on my mood. If you want to discuss any of these things, I'm open to doing so.

Anyway, yeah...this was the short version. My apologies. :-)

Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you!