Introduce yourself

[NBreatheMe]

Hey, you all! I'm a nutritionist, been dealing with dysthymia since I can remember, OCD was diagnosed during teenage years. 3 years ago was diagnosed with polycystic ovary, hypotension and immunodeficiency (although I have seen several doctors they still don't found out what kind of immunodeficiency it is, or how is I develop it), so I'm basically always sick and exahusted.


I'm still living with my parents, my dad has asperger syndrome, and my mom was clinically diagnosed as a narcissist. A couple of family members have tried to CTb, but none of them have succeed, so I'm terrified of the sequels of "tried but didn't get it"


I was in therapy since 10 years old, and leaved it at 19. Didn't help at all. Been doing selfharm since 9. Was anorexic during high school, but that's not very much a problem now, my health issues have me loosing weight, no matter how much I eat. Still, doctors said I have body dysmorphia.


My ex boyfriend, who have asperger syndrome as well (I know, Freud), knows about my plans, seems very confused about it but support me anyway, we're still in good terms. My best friend have depression and keep telling me she would "follow me" if I decide to CTb, that's the only reason that could stop me from doing it, I can see she still have so much potential.


I've been looking for a way out during years, think is time to get it done.


Sorry that was way too long and thanks to whoever take the time to read it.


Mostly thanks for creating such a helping forum.

 

[lululoo]

Thank you Cleo! It definitely is nice to speak with someone who understands on such a personal level. Believe it or not, I've never met or talked to anyone who has been living with CF. I'm unfortunately very familiar with how it wasn't taken seriously for so long and I believe that played a huge role with me just dealing with not ever feeling "good" mentally or physically. I never in a million years thought it would lead to being/feeling how I feel now. I would love to chat more, I'm new so I know it takes a minute before I can PM. Not sure if you can pm me now or not?

Hi @SerenitySeeker and @Cleopatra123 . I only have a fibromyalgia diagnosis but I believe my symptoms more resemble CFS. Things have gotten steadily worse for me over the course of 8 years. I don't see any reason to live, but at the same time it is hard to die all alone with so many wishes unfulfilled. I wish at least there was a dignitas in the US. If I could have someone be with me and didn't have to worry about failing, it would be somewhat easier.

It is one thing to deal with illnesses like these when you have supportive family/partner, but all alone, when you lose your ability to work or enjoy anything... especially if you were already depressed... well it's just too much.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hi @SerenitySeeker and @Cleopatra123 . I only have a fibromyalgia diagnosis but I believe my symptoms more resemble CFS. Things have gotten steadily worse for me over the course of 8 years. I don't see any reason to live, but at the same time it is hard to die all alone with so many wishes unfulfilled. I wish at least there was a dignitas in the US. If I could have someone be with me and didn't have to worry about failing, it would be somewhat easier.

It is one thing to deal with illnesses like these when you have supportive family/partner, but all alone, when you lose your ability to work or enjoy anything... especially if you were already depressed... well it's just too much.

Hi Lulu: I watched to fibromyalgia enter the CFS scene; and know how distressing and painful it can be. I can only say for you, and maybe others with this complex of illness, that there is more and more current research. Proposedly, they come up with the real reason, and find an answer in the near enough future so that you can get relief. I know how debilitating it is, you might want to do some research and see if you can find an MD who treats fibromyalgia as a specialty, though these are early attempts, perhaps in the near future you may get relief. I know what you mean about feeling alone; the complex of illnesses connected with CFS has been neglected, even denied for many years, and people around you then don't understand. But, it is certainly known as real now. The illness itself makes one feel alone because they can't participate in a productive lifestyle which is so isolating. It's difficult to think about the pain of the various ways of ending the suffering, when one has to go through the ultiamate pain, again, alone usually. There should be a "dignatis" here; why has the right of those suffering without end been denied. Hope you feel better, so sorry for all the pain.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

Hi @SerenitySeeker and @Cleopatra123 . I only have a fibromyalgia diagnosis but I believe my symptoms more resemble CFS. Things have gotten steadily worse for me over the course of 8 years. I don't see any reason to live, but at the same time it is hard to die all alone with so many wishes unfulfilled. I wish at least there was a dignitas in the US. If I could have someone be with me and didn't have to worry about failing, it would be somewhat easier.

It is one thing to deal with illnesses like these when you have supportive family/partner, but all alone, when you lose your ability to work or enjoy anything... especially if you were already depressed... well it's just too much.

Hi lululoo,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much and feeling the way you do. I completely understand how hard it is to not want to suffer but have some hesitancy to end it.

With these autoimmune diseases so much of it ends up overlapping, you very well could have fibro and CFS. It sucks, I know it does , but you aren't alone in how you feel; please know that.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hi lululoo,

I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much and feeling the way you do. I completely understand how hard it is to not want to suffer but have some hesitancy to end it.

With these autoimmune diseases so much of it ends up overlapping, you very well could have fibro and CFS. It sucks, I know it does ☹, but you aren't alone in how you feel; please know that.

To those who are younger, and suffering with the various complexes of CFS; there is some suggestive research. One cannot know if in the near future there may finally be some help. For me, I've just had it too long and too many organs malfunctioning, and could end up completely dependent, but, as I said, have at least some hope that lots of research is now being done. I think is the site "Phoenix Rising" that publishes all the new research, but I have to check for sure. xoxoxo Cleo

 

[SerenitySeeker]

To those who are younger, and suffering with the various complexes of CFS; there is some suggestive research. One cannot know if in the near future there may finally be some help. For me, I've just had it too long and too many organs malfunctioning, and could end up completely dependent, but, as I said, have at least some hope that lots of research is now being done. I think is the site "Phoenix Rising" that publishes all the new research, but I have to check for sure. xoxoxo Cleo

I'll definitely check that site out. I'm so sorry to hear you've had organ involvement. That's exactly what's going on with me which has me at a crossroads. It's one thing to deal with just the basic symptomatology of the disease but a whole other beast when it starts involving organ issues.

 

[Ruffian]

I've read quite a few of the introductions and can not only sympathize but have gone through a lot of it myself.

As someone who never thought they'd make it past their early 20's being this old is a horrible fate.

Like many I've suffered from severe depression and have been suicidal since I was a young teen. I also have 3 sleeping disorders which made working almost impossible. I could go on and elaborate but with so many years I could probably write a novel which no one wants to read.

I now also suffer from chronic pain 24/7 that meds only put a dent in.

I've never had a lot of friends, probably from being an introvert and a lot from finding out most people just lie or use you for whatever they need and are never around when you need them. Partly it's my fault as I suck a making friends and always have so I've been alone most of my life. The lack of human contact and affection for so much of my life has only fed my depression.

I did have a girlfriend for 8 years but it was a mess of a relationship and did more harm than good. Oddly enough she is now my best friend and is supportive and understanding (as much as someone can be) of my health issues. To give her credit she did have a lot of mental issues and was abused by a lot of men so it took a long time for her to come to terms with her problems and now has a better outlook on life and realizes that I supported her more than anyone else when she tried overdosing or needed a shoulder to cry on etc. That being said we still make better friend that anything else. Not sure why I added all that....I guess it was a big part of my life but even when something should have been more positive than negative that's never the way things have worked out.

I have a tendency of saying/writing things the wrong way. I think part of it is that people try to interpret what I'm saying rather than what I'm actually saying. Does that make sense to anyone else?

Because I'm on pain meds my family just thinks I'm a drug addict because of the new "opiod crisis" which I'm sure all of you know is a joke.

Like everyone here it's time to end this misery and find the least painful way to do it. I've pretty much settled on a combination of Argon and the updated cocktail (amitriptiline). As a backup to my backup I believe I have enough meds to also cause my breathing to stop. I'd love to get N but I can't afford to have anything go wrong either with it getting confiscated, fake, or just getting ripped off. I'd even go for a gun or h overdose but not only can I not get it but I've never injected so that's out of the question. So many options....

The only thing in life I actually enjoy is music. It's the only thing that can bring me any sort of happiness and about the only thing I can understand (most people I don't get). Well, I do have to add drugs to that list. Sadly I've never gotten anything from my prescription meds aside from some relief. But music and a fire (camping etc) and mushrooms or MDMA and that's about as happy as life gets. It's also where I plan on finding my final rest.

Well that's enough rambling.

I wish that everyone either get better and find some amount of happiness or find a peaceful way out.

You are welcome here, it is a great community, certain things can be difficult like u make a friend, but you know they could leave any time. I related so much to your story. It's so nice you have a friend in your ex. I had that once & liked it a lot. It sounds like you have a good mindset as well. Nice to meet you.

 

[Cleopatra123]

I'll definitely check that site out. I'm so sorry to hear you've had organ involvement. That's exactly what's going on with me which has me at a crossroads. It's one thing to deal with just the basic symptomatology of the disease but a whole other beast when it starts involving organ issues.

@Serenity and Lulu: Check out "Simmaron Research", "Health Rising", "ProHealth". If you have specific areas you need to suppress, perhaps you can email me. It's taken lots of practice to be able to still stand after all these years, I have hints. Or, perhaps the site would be interested in an informational support from those suffering from chronic, debilitating, and therefore, depressing illnesses, and wishing for peace from the pain. xoxo Cleo

 

[explsionsinthesky]

hi! i'm 18, asian american. don't really know what's wrong with me, all i know is i've been sad since i was 12. struggled with eating disorder tendencies, self harm, and suicidal thoughts. tried to overdose a few times until i got caught and was taken to the psych ward for a few days. lied my way out of there, tried to get help, but my family is asian and doesnt understand mental health and guilt tripped me for trying to get help. invalidated my feelings. the expectations and restrictions culturally as an immigrant is rough.
got hurt a lot through friendships and just plain mean people. people who used me for resources. im tired of the education system and the pressure.
i fell in love, though. i thought i was going to be better because of him. he saved me from trying to kill myself again. for over a year i truly believed i could have a life that i could love, where i could love myself as well. but i havent been able to make him happy recently because of some family drama and self conflict i'm going through, its pretty bad. i cry almost every night and i've written letters for everyone that i love. he is tired of my negativity and sadness and i understand. i never should've expected that unconditional love exists.
so that's why im here. i know if im going to do it i need to make sure it actually fucking works. i don't want to fail and have to face everyone who have read my letters. i don't want to be locked up, my psych ward experience actually made me even more suicidal.
the world is pretty fucked up and i take comfort in that saying that goes something like "to be mad in this world is to be sane". im not alone, the world can be cruel. and we are hurt. and tired.
i wish that euthanasia should apply to mental illness, too. if its so hard and painful for me to live every day, and i don't want to do it anymore, why can't i leave peacefully painlessly?

 

[true faith]

Hi everyone.
I'm in my mid 20s. I've had rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since childhood and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and borderline personality disorder about 5 years ago. I think of myself as having a lot of compassion but I also find most other people intolerable to be around for extended periods of time. My whole life I've stayed shoulders-deep in escapism (fiction, substances, self-destructive behavior) just to stay afloat.

I'm living in poverty working a high-risk job and even when I'm happy I'm never content. I'm so socially fearful that it's hard to be genuine with other people about my thoughts & experiences like I used to--the older I get, the more that seems to backfire. I don't speak to my family at all because my parents have always been inappropriate & abusive and at this point I'm not sure they even know how to be any other way. My illnesses aren't going to get any better in the coming years, so my quality of life probably can't either.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hi everyone.
I'm in my mid 20s. I've had rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since childhood and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and borderline personality disorder about 5 years ago. I think of myself as having a lot of compassion but I also find most other people intolerable to be around for extended periods of time. My whole life I've stayed shoulders-deep in escapism (fiction, substances, self-destructive behavior) just to stay afloat.

I'm living in poverty working a high-risk job and even when I'm happy I'm never content. I'm so socially fearful that it's hard to be genuine with other people about my thoughts & experiences like I used to--the older I get, the more that seems to backfire. I don't speak to my family at all because my parents have always been inappropriate & abusive and at this point I'm not sure they even know how to be any other way. My illnesses aren't going to get any better in the coming years, so my quality of life probably can't either.

Hi everyone.
I'm in my mid 20s. I've had rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since childhood and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and borderline personality disorder about 5 years ago. I think of myself as having a lot of compassion but I also find most other people intolerable to be around for extended periods of time. My whole life I've stayed shoulders-deep in escapism (fiction, substances, self-destructive behavior) just to stay afloat.

I'm living in poverty working a high-risk job and even when I'm happy I'm never content. I'm so socially fearful that it's hard to be genuine with other people about my thoughts & experiences like I used to--the older I get, the more that seems to backfire. I don't speak to my family at all because my parents have always been inappropriate & abusive and at this point I'm not sure they even know how to be any other way. My illnesses aren't going to get any better in the coming years, so my quality of life probably can't either.

May I express my deepest sorrow for your suffering. It breaks my heart to see young people getting diseases with increasing velocity that in the past, happened at older ages. I's to imagine, how difficult that is to deal with, when one hasn't got the strength, or the proper health to survive. But my son was a teen when he developed schizophrenia; no young people, innocents, deserve to have to deal with these things, have their lives and any opportunity stolen. The very worst part was watching my son suffer, deprived of life and opportunity, I could live more with the pain of my long chronic disease than I can to see the innocence suffer, my son, you, so many others. You did nothing to deserve this. It sucks, pardon my french. It's just too rotten that there was no one around or able, I don't know, to help you engage in better ways of escape. For me, it was poetry, but I knew the pain would eventually overwhelm. Best wishes

 

[Brainpain]

Hi everyone.
I'm in my mid 20s. I've had rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia since childhood and I was diagnosed with C-PTSD and borderline personality disorder about 5 years ago. I think of myself as having a lot of compassion but I also find most other people intolerable to be around for extended periods of time. My whole life I've stayed shoulders-deep in escapism (fiction, substances, self-destructive behavior) just to stay afloat.

I'm living in poverty working a high-risk job and even when I'm happy I'm never content. I'm so socially fearful that it's hard to be genuine with other people about my thoughts & experiences like I used to--the older I get, the more that seems to backfire. I don't speak to my family at all because my parents have always been inappropriate & abusive and at this point I'm not sure they even know how to be any other way. My illnesses aren't going to get any better in the coming years, so my quality of life probably can't either.

Hi. Looks like we have a lot in common. I also suffer chronic pain, similar to fibromyalgia and it stole the only joys I had in a life that had few before it started. I'm also female and in my 30s, Canadian here. I have also suffered depression, anxiety, overwhelming emotions seen in borderline personality disorder and severe insomnia my whole life which I recently found out was all actually Bipolar 2 disorder. No meds seem to be working and I feel drugged up all the time in weak attempts to sleep. The two conditions (pain/mental) feed off each other. The prognosis for my conditions is not getting better only worse. My family wants little to do with me as I've been a burden. I ordered N in 2015 and have been holding onto it. Knowing I had a way out gave me great peace for a long time. Now I am at the end of my rope (again). I just wish I could go through with it.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hi. Looks like we have a lot in common. I also suffer chronic pain, similar to fibromyalgia and it stole the only joys I had in a life that had few before it started. I'm also female and in my 30s, Canadian here. I have also suffered depression, anxiety, overwhelming emotions seen in borderline personality disorder and severe insomnia my whole life which I recently found out was all actually Bipolar 2 disorder. No meds seem to be working and I feel drugged up all the time in weak attempts to sleep. The two conditions (pain/mental) feed off each other. The prognosis for my conditions is not getting better only worse. My family wants little to do with me as I've been a burden. I ordered N in 2015 and have been holding onto it. Knowing I had a way out gave me great peace for a long time. Now I am at the end of my rope (again). I just wish I could go through with it.

Does it make sense if you are in chronic pain at a young age that one is sure to be depressed. How can one enjoy oneself. It's offensive that your family treats you like a burden; you didn't ask for this. And, if someone has children, it IS their responsibility to help that child in the kindest most patient way forever if necessary. I'm so sorry that your parents are irresponsible and insensitive. They sure did not help. The meds may not be working because you have a physical ailment, that has affected you neurologically: some of the pain messages come from the brain: no amount of anti this or that is going to subdue reality. The question is, if there is some way to deal with the pain: there are new options for fibromyalgia and encephalitis. Whereever you are in Canada, there is a big breakout of Fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue Syndrome involving neurological health issues; wouldn't your depression and all that feel a lot better looking toward what is happening with your physical health. I'm sure there are doctors in Canada specializing in Fibromyalgia, I have seen a lot or research coming from there. Please at least check it out; it doesn't seem as if you've had much help. My sadness for you and all you are suffering; if I can be a reference for reference, look me up. Cleo

 

[Brainpain]

Does it make sense if you are in chronic pain at a young age that one is sure to be depressed. How can one enjoy oneself. It's offensive that your family treats you like a burden; you didn't ask for this. And, if someone has children, it IS their responsibility to help that child in the kindest most patient way forever if necessary. I'm so sorry that your parents are irresponsible and insensitive. They sure did not help. The meds may not be working because you have a physical ailment, that has affected you neurologically: some of the pain messages come from the brain: no amount of anti this or that is going to subdue reality. The question is, if there is some way to deal with the pain: there are new options for fibromyalgia and encephalitis. Whereever you are in Canada, there is a big breakout of Fibromyalgia and Chronic fatigue Syndrome involving neurological health issues; wouldn't your depression and all that feel a lot better looking toward what is happening with your physical health. I'm sure there are doctors in Canada specializing in Fibromyalgia, I have seen a lot or research coming from there. Please at least check it out; it doesn't seem as if you've had much help. My sadness for you and all you are suffering; if I can be a reference for reference, look me up. Cleo

Thanks I actually don't have fibro but something similar. I have been through the chronic pain management clinic and have found some relief (that's how I survived the last 3 years) but it's never going to be a level
I think anyone should live with. I also found that my depression is bipolar 2 which means it will be chronic and for life. My parents have tried to be as supportive as possible but at my age and having grand kids they care much more about (not from me) they are rightfully tapped out. My diagnoses are very hopeless. I can't afford therapy and I've been on every medication under the sun. I feel
Drugged up all day long and don't sleep but am tired and in pain. I struggle to work and support myself, if I wasn't in a unionized job I would have been fired for sure for my terrible attendance. Thank you so much for your kind words. I had a lot of hope over the years and believe it or not some of the best doctors in my province trying endlessly to help me. It's just not happening though. I hope things can get better for you. I know everyone is different and there are some treatment people with fibro respond to. I have met a couple who have found peace with their lives. But most are miserable.

 

[true faith]

May I express my deepest sorrow for your suffering. It breaks my heart to see young people getting diseases with increasing velocity that in the past, happened at older ages. I's to imagine, how difficult that is to deal with, when one hasn't got the strength, or the proper health to survive. But my son was a teen when he developed schizophrenia; no young people, innocents, deserve to have to deal with these things, have their lives and any opportunity stolen. The very worst part was watching my son suffer, deprived of life and opportunity, I could live more with the pain of my long chronic disease than I can to see the innocence suffer, my son, you, so many others. You did nothing to deserve this. It sucks, pardon my french. It's just too rotten that there was no one around or able, I don't know, to help you engage in better ways of escape. For me, it was poetry, but I knew the pain would eventually overwhelm. Best wishes

Yeah, I've known a number of other people in my age range with similar illnesses and it strikes me as odd because nurses always say things like "you're too young to have that!"
In fact, I was denied medication after switching insurance simply because my doctor refused to believe that I'm as sick as I am. But that's a tangent.

I think the only silver lining re: developing mental illness at a young age is that by the time you're an adult you have a slightly better idea of how to cope with it and can sometimes blend into society better. I guess that's what they call "recovery"! But here I am...

Thank you for your empathy & kind words.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Thanks I actually don't have fibro but something similar. I have been through the chronic pain management clinic and have found some relief (that's how I survived the last 3 years) but it's never going to be a level
I think anyone should live with. I also found that my depression is bipolar 2 which means it will be chronic and for life. My parents have tried to be as supportive as possible but at my age and having grand kids they care much more about (not from me) they are rightfully tapped out. My diagnoses are very hopeless. I can't afford therapy and I've been on every medication under the sun. I feel
Drugged up all day long and don't sleep but am tired and in pain. I struggle to work and support myself, if I wasn't in a unionized job I would have been fired for sure for my terrible attendance. Thank you so much for your kind words. I had a lot of hope over the years and believe it or not some of the best doctors in my province trying endlessly to help me. It's just not happening though. I hope things can get better for you. I know everyone is different and there are some treatment people with fibro respond to. I have met a couple who have found peace with their lives. But most are miserable.

In my humble opinion, if it is arthritis, or fibromyalgia, you are bound to be depressed. Bipolar, smypolar, they are list labeling your dysfunction in dealing with your pain. Pain clinic, pain clinic, look up a registered doctor who treats fibromyalgia or arthritis; anti-inflammatories are the usual treatment for arthritis, and new things coming along for fibromyalgia. Family should be family, young people are getting more illnesses at a ridiculous rate, you are just as important as the rest of your family..

 

[Pilum Muralis]

Hello everyone,
First, I just want to express how thankful such a place exists. Anyways...

I'm T, 40 something married women. Clinically depressed, but stopped taking meds due to the side effects. Due to other health problems I had to quit my nursing job a few years ago, and have felt like a burden to my husband since. Honestly, my husband is the only reason I have even stuck it out this long. What more do I have. I have no friends, and no close family. My parents are gone, and we have no children. I'm just existing...in pain.
I have always been "gloomy", as my mother called me, and when I was a teen in high school, I did try and OD on like 10 Tylenol. I didn't know what I was doing, and it failed, of course. I just trudge on. Later in life, I looked for things to fulfill me. Not even to try and make me happy or anything, just to keep my mind from thinking. Nursing seemed to do the trick. I was in a relationship. I wasn't necessarily happy, but I was adulting. 12 years ago, I met a guy who just seemed to "get me". I ended my then relationship, and after 2 years of dating, I married my now husband.
This is long, I'm sorry, but it's feels so good to be able to express so much that eats at me. I hate feeling like this. I'm sick of people telling me "it will pass" or "I don't know why you're so blue". I am nothing. Just a wife. Marginally at that. Everyday is basically my Groundhog Day. I have multiple herniated and fractured vertebrae that cannot be repaired. People who don't have chronic pain have zero idea what it's like. It consumes everything. You have to plan your entire life around it.
My husband is what keeps me here. I have told him several times that if anything happened to him, I would off myself. He laughs and thinks it's some romantic gesture. Offing myself would destroy him. He has been so good to me, through my days of laying in bed crying in pain, to ranting and throwing stuff around the house. I know I'm a nightmare to live with, but he does..without judgement, with compassion. How could I do that to him? So I wake each day, and do the same crap. I try and be happy. He makes me happy, but not HAPPY, if that makes sense. He tries to cheer me up, to the point of irritation. Just grin and bear it. Someday, whether by my hands, or natural causes, it will all be over with.

Sorry this was so long. Guess I could end with some good stuff. I have 3 dogs, and enjoy cross stitching. I collect unusual cookbooks and I do like to bake.

 

[Cloudy]

Hi there, I'm a non binary/transmasculine 33 years old Italian person, based in Rome. I've been diagnosed with BPD and/or Bipolar disorder (it depends which doctor you speak with....that makes me feel like in my case they're bullshit diagnosis). I lived in the UK for 10 years but I had to come back to my hometown because my folks, who've always spoiled me rotten, were worried about my mental health (or lack of). I have very little control over my own life since my last CBT plans were discovered (damn!) and I spend a lot of time reading this forum daydreaming about being able to CBT eventually

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hello everyone,
First, I just want to express how thankful such a place exists. Anyways...

I'm T, 40 something married women. Clinically depressed, but stopped taking meds due to the side effects. Due to other health problems I had to quit my nursing job a few years ago, and have felt like a burden to my husband since. Honestly, my husband is the only reason I have even stuck it out this long. What more do I have. I have no friends, and no close family. My parents are gone, and we have no children. I'm just existing...in pain.
I have always been "gloomy", as my mother called me, and when I was a teen in high school, I did try and OD on like 10 Tylenol. I didn't know what I was doing, and it failed, of course. I just trudge on. Later in life, I looked for things to fulfill me. Not even to try and make me happy or anything, just to keep my mind from thinking. Nursing seemed to do the trick. I was in a relationship. I wasn't necessarily happy, but I was adulting. 12 years ago, I met a guy who just seemed to "get me". I ended my then relationship, and after 2 years of dating, I married my now husband.
This is long, I'm sorry, but it's feels so good to be able to express so much that eats at me. I hate feeling like this. I'm sick of people telling me "it will pass" or "I don't know why you're so blue". I am nothing. Just a wife. Marginally at that. Everyday is basically my Groundhog Day. I have multiple herniated and fractured vertebrae that cannot be repaired. People who don't have chronic pain have zero idea what it's like. It consumes everything. You have to plan your entire life around it.
My husband is what keeps me here. I have told him several times that if anything happened to him, I would off myself. He laughs and thinks it's some romantic gesture. Offing myself would destroy him. He has been so good to me, through my days of laying in bed crying in pain, to ranting and throwing stuff around the house. I know I'm a nightmare to live with, but he does..without judgement, with compassion. How could I do that to him? So I wake each day, and do the same crap. I try and be happy. He makes me happy, but not HAPPY, if that makes sense. He tries to cheer me up, to the point of irritation. Just grin and bear it. Someday, whether by my hands, or natural causes, it will all be over with.

Sorry this was so long. Guess I could end with some good stuff. I have 3 dogs, and enjoy cross stitching. I collect unusual cookbooks and I do like to bake.

Hi: I was a nurse also, and love to bake. I would say in sum you shouldn't be so hard on yourself: your work as a nurse is meaningful, it was for me, you have 3 dogs, gosh, they're nicer than most people. You are so fortunate to have such an understanding husband. You must be special to warrant so much love and understanding. I don't have chronic pain per see, but have constant medical issues revolving around a chronic illness of 40 years, there's always something acting up. How did you spine get so messed up? Wishing you the best, and welcomeCleo

 

[Pilum Muralis]

Hi: I was a nurse also, and love to bake. I would say in sum you shouldn't be so hard on yourself: your work as a nurse is meaningful, it was for me, you have 3 dogs, gosh, they're nicer than most people. You are so fortunate to have such an understanding husband. You must be special to warrant so much love and understanding. I don't have chronic pain per see, but have constant medical issues revolving around a chronic illness of 40 years, there's always something acting up. How did you spine get so messed up? Wishing you the best, and welcomeCleo

Nursing was something I really took pride in. I guess if I didn't care about myself, at least I could care for others. I quit after getting a back injury transferring a patient to an exam table. I wasn't able to stand or sit for long periods, and living was out. The major back injury came from a fall off a ladder. That happened in 2012. It's progressively gotten worse, and every doctor tells me " well, you'll never be pain free." Guess what, I can be pain free, it's just a more permanent solution. Too bad it's just going to be awhile.
Dogs are great. They are my babies, and yes dogs (and many other animals) are nicer than most people. My mother in law gripes at us because I didn't squeeze out a kid, but neither of us really wanted children. My husband has been working on his PHD, and I've been working on an indentation on the couch. Plus, I'd be worthless in the state I'm in, and just feel like even more of a burden when husband has to do childcare. Ah well, the earth is too populated, anyways.

 

[Catch_The_Beaver]

Who am I?

I'm not special around here. Clinically depressed, lonely because I can't share what's important to me with anyone in my "real life", secretly suicidal, with an awkward social manner, genuinely nihilistic and with forever decreasing self-esteem.

Of course, that's not all that I am, as there is a side of me that likes to read as many books as I have time for, a side that imagines, with great detail, the lives of imaginary people. In addition, I used to be a pessimist, what gave me the low expectations that kept on my feet in the dreadfulness that is being alive. Now I am optimistic, yet my life is going nowhere and it can never fulfill my deepest desires, making the void of non-existence desirable.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Nursing was something I really took pride in. I guess if I didn't care about myself, at least I could care for others. I quit after getting a back injury transferring a patient to an exam table. I wasn't able to stand or sit for long periods, and living was out. The major back injury came from a fall off a ladder. That happened in 2012. It's progressively gotten worse, and every doctor tells me " well, you'll never be pain free." Guess what, I can be pain free, it's just a more permanent solution. Too bad it's just going to be awhile.
Dogs are great. They are my babies, and yes dogs (and many other animals) are nicer than most people. My mother in law gripes at us because I didn't squeeze out a kid, but neither of us really wanted children. My husband has been working on his PHD, and I've been working on an indentation on the couch. Plus, I'd be worthless in the state I'm in, and just feel like even more of a burden when husband has to do childcare. Ah well, the earth is too populated, anyways.

If I knew 35 years ago the world would get so f.....d up I wouldn't have had children myself, I wouldn't now, seeing how hard it is to live a decent life. And so the pain is overwhelming, I can understand that, I wake up every morning in such excruciating mental pain that I wish right at the moment it would end. I understand feeling worthless, maybe because I remember life when there was some love, and interests, and challenges, and my children mostly who I adored. Now, there is nothing, all gone, except a disease moving along. I'm very sorry, what a bad break, promises broken, those that pain crushes. And one solution. I'm so sorry. Yes, the earth is too populated absolutely with culture promising more war and hardship. To what of fate to which we fell, a nightmare in a living hell. Well, at least you have a loving husband, and little joys around like the dogs, a home, and that couch indentation. Think of being so injured, and sleeping on a cement floor. Sometimes, when I think it can't get worse, I'm thankful I have a bed, it's a mild remission. I hope there is somewhere ahead a miracle for you. Cleo

 

[Lovedove]

Hi all, and thanks for having me in your forum.

I have lurked on this forum for a couple of months now. I am a 24yo female living in the UK. I dont really know what I am trying to express here or what I want to do with my life or if I even want it.
I find that writing is quite theraputic for me and I hope I will feel better once I have written this thread. I feel really low at the moment.

Throughout my life I have experienced lows yet also some highs. Mainly my highs are drug or alcohol related. I was happy a few months back when I was seeing a man I met online but he decided after we had been dating for a few months that he wanted to just be friends which shattered me (I am sorry if this sounds trivial but having someone care about me romantically really mattered to me). I think all I really want is to be loved and to love in return. I have never truly experienced love unless it is from family, I do realise I am lucky to have experienced both love from my family and an albeit brief romance. I have had flings with others but nothing serious.

I have been taking drugs and drinking every weekend since I was 14. I am happy when I am high but alas this too wears off and the comedowns the next day are gruesome. I understand this is unhealthy and derogatory to mental health but it really is my only escape where I can let my hair down.

I used to be a regular gym goer but havent been in the last few months and have put weight on which has depressed me as I have always been overweight anyway so its extra crap- I should go back as the endorphins made me feel good. Food makes me happy but slightly guilty.

I have had good jobs in the past but screwed up and am now in a menial call centre job that is demeaning and repetitive. I cannot quit as I have recently moved out of home and I live in a very expensive part of the UK and am paying 600pm rent for a room in a house. My housemates are ok but not particularly friends. I cant afford a job that isnt in this field as it is the best paying field there is without a degree where I live. I previously was in this field at management level which was better but I have slipped down the ladder due to circumstance. I have friends that I love but do not have anyone I can discuss this with.

My best friends young mum died unexpectedly and suddenly a few years ago and her 11 year old family member ended his own life not long ago (bullying). I cant possibly speak to her about this as I feel my problems are so trivial compared also had a friend my age who ctb a few months ago completely unexpectedly. This broke my heart and I think the main reason I stumbled across this site a few months ago.

I remember lots of occassions throughout my teenage and adult years feeling sad and depressed and like life wouldnt go on. My grandma who I loved dearly died after a long cancer battle a few years ago and the 5 year battle was horrendous. Seeing her lose her hair, hospices, her anguish etc.

Once, after a particularly grim night I drunkenly took a box of decongestants (haha, as if I thought this would do anything). I felt sheepish and ashamed when I woke up the next day but I suppose the suicidal ideation has maybe always been hovering over me slightly. I was glad it didnt work.

I love my mum and my dad and couldnt bear to hurt them by ctb but I feel I cant be bothered to go on and just want to isolate myself from the world. I feel there is something in me that just means I will never be truly happy and if I am it wont be for long. I have felt I have never truly fit in with anyone and perhaps this is why I find it hard to find a meaninful relationship with anyone. Instead I have meaningless sex which just makes me feel worse the next day when they dont call me etc. It fills a void, as do alcohol and drugs and food.

Anyway, I am not too sure what I want to achieve by posting but I wanted to reach out and say that none of you are alone and this is a great place.

Its like I dont really want to die because there are things I enjoy.. animals, sun sets, the beach etc. But i just cant really be bothered to live anymore.

Thank you for reading x

Edit _ I will add that I have been to the doctor before who just advised me to sign up to a few free cbt sessions but there was a long waiting list. They wouldnt prescribe me anything until afterwards. Maybe I should try this? Im just finding life a real effort right now.

 

[Heliochrome]

Hello, I am Y, 20. Been off and out of tune with this world since 6.
Had many therapy sessions, many medications. Have been ideating suicide since 10.
Right now, looking at the fare charts for the next bus at the terminal named "SanctionedSuicide".
I will be here for a while but the intention is to catch it somewhen...

My days go by going for a walk early in the morning, maybe taking a swim.
Meditating and light reading throughout the day and cooking.
Like listening to music as the lyrics pop up in my head depending on the situation.

Many paths I could've explored, in the end came to this one.
On the other hand I don't feel as if this was my choice.
God's calling they say, aren't we the children?
We answer, we rise to the occasion.
Best of the best, here we are, we participate.
But sometimes I feel all effort I put is in vain.
Sick of the lies,trickery and deceit, promises given never to be heard again.
People don't want to put the blinders off, not one second to listen, as they chase the next rave.
Couldn't bring change as I've hoped, fire burns inside I can't let it out.
They don't want to look in my eyes, minute I reach out I get the ghost.
Hate the thing I've become, the monster says feed me more, trying to navigate and put an end to this illusion here I am, got lost.
Nothing big to write about, no problems about the flesh I inhabit, compassionate, empathic, willing spirit, I am grateful for all I have.
I'm a little alien, an Englishman in New York just feeling homesick, wherever I next end up its still worth taking this trip.
OOOhh woh

Glad I've found this place, Thank you

 

[Daigoro’sDisciple]

Hello SS!

I'll start this introduction by saying that I am just another fed up individual who's grown tired of the twisted way our society works. I've been lurking a few days/weeks on this forum and can tell there are a lot of bright individuals who partly shares my worldview in one way or another. To clarify, I'm not saying they are bright because they share MY view, but rather because they dare think outside the box and question the indoctrinating norms that surrounds us. I must admit, I was amazed as I've always felt very much alone with such thoughts and opinions. It is sort of a relieving feeling — although sad in a way — to confirm that there are in fact a herd of empathetic and analytic people, on this planet, who actually cares for each other and our nature as a whole. Rather ironic though, that most of us are gathered here and accepting our final fate as we prepare to leave mother earth, with it's leeching swarm of suited-up parasites behind us, swimming in their own pool of excrement. I do sincerely admire such a mentality — as to say 'If this is truly the way you wish to live and corrupt your surroundings, then so be it, but I shall not be a part of it!'

So basically I wanted to say that I do carry respect for all sincere humans. I am happy to see other people caring for each other in such a non-judgemental spirit. I am thankful for the information I've received from various places on the internet. Especially regarding the means of travelling which I shall adapt to my future departure. Here I wish to give something back to likeminded people and prevent them from crippling themselves for life. I know that would certainly break my spirit if it were to happen to myself.

My personal plan is to sail away sometime during summer. I probably wont announce when. My method will be to nick my arteries. Probably in a secluded place where people would have no reason to stroll about. I am going to make a post about my method and my research regarding that subject as soon as I am able to. Mostly because of the fact that I feel as if I have stumbled upon a lot of misunderstanding regarding cutting and that the only factor people seem to be discussing is how deep you actually need to cut and in what direction.

So enough ranting from my part. I wish you peace, chaos or whatever you're into! :)

 

[Feline Fine]

Hiya
I'm a trans girl in my early 20s from England. I'm here because I've lost almost everything and stand to lose the rest in a matter of months, so there are a few things I want to do before that.

I want to find a partner to end things with because I don't want to be alone when I go, my situation with loneliness is and has always been extreme, I don't want that to be all things ever were for me, even if it'll only be the end. I just want someone to OD with, maybe go camping and look at the stars as we go.

I also think I want to make some videos before I go. If I do get to do this, they'll probably largely be memoirs that won't be of interest to m/any, but at least one, probably my last, would be something that I want to make a difference with.
My death won't mean much to those up top if the over 100,000 they killed before me haven't, but I want to use it to help show the corruption of the DWP against the disabled and vulnerable, how they mistreat people and ruin lives. I'm unable to leave my house more than a few times a year because of issues I've been refused treatment for, I've been trying for years to get help so I could get the chance to live a normal life, but I have been constantly denied anything and now they're likely going to take away the benefits that are all I have to live on. At best I'll have until early next year with everything I've been able to save, after that I'm dead no matter what. So I want to put all of the crimes committed by those in charge on the spotlight and use my death to project that message as best I can, so that hopefully others with the ability can stop what happened to me happening to anyone else. I know it's likely that even if I don't get ignored everything said will be forgotten in a few days, but it's all I can do. It won't change things, but I hope it'll all add up. If it'll help one person I would be happy.

Part of what has pushed me to this is also the media in the UK, being trans in this climate is so terrifying and exhausting. All I want is the chance to live like any other person, but those like me are just painted as villains, hate crime against us has gone up over 80% in the last year, largely because of the media.
I've been spat on multiple times, once even at pride, I've been assaulted. I'm just so tired of being treated as so much lesser and I can't do it any more. And that's all without talking about the sorry state of healthcare for trans people, having to wait til all the damage is done before they will help, if they will help at all.

Most of the people that used to care have given up on me and disappeared, my old best friend ghosted me and after a few months of me trying to get her to at least say why, she said she just couldn't keep watching me do my best and still fail and have things get worse. One of my only current friends decided that I'm not really worth trying to help any more, and that I'm not doing what I could to make my situation better, which lead to me making my account here. I only ever do my best, but I can understand why from the outside looking in people would think differently, my best isn't much compared to that of most any other person.

I don't have any contact with my family, they weren't evil people or anything but they weren't good to me like they should have been, I left them 3 years ago to build a new, better life, as myself. It didn't work out, if you couldn't tell.

I'm sorry that I talked so much even if I still feel there's a lot I've not been able to put down, I find it hard to post in forums and I get easily scared away, so if this is a time I'm able to, I'd like to make the best of it, though hopefully I'll be able to get myself to post more so that I can achieve some of what I said I wish to.

I'm really glad that a place like this exists, thank you to everyone that made it possible.

Thank you for reading.

 

[calendulo]

Hi.
Firstly. Sorry for my bad written english. It is at a disadvantage having just five vowel sounds.
A normal guy, 49. Nothing interesting.

Searching how and where could to buy N found this forum. BTW congratulations to Staff for your work.

I got no complicated problems specially, just tired. I've spent a fun life, I have not complaints, just time has come, well I think so .

Really I make sad reading post about so young people; but "c'est la vie" say it in french.

Just I'd like wishing the best luck to all of you.

Thanks.

 

[Madden87]

Hey everyone,

I'm a 32 year old guy from Ireland, Basically sick of putting in the effort for no returns - to make a long story short!

It is so reassuring to see so many people from near and far that are going through similar experiences.

 

[thx1138]

Hi guys,

I'm a female in my mid-twenties. My story is pretty boring and average. I've been depressed since childhood. I got mocking/hostile reactions from my family when I tried to talk about my problems, and from the doctors I got meds which gave me permanent side effects + an unhelpful hospital (prison) stay. That's why I live pretty isolated and try not to complain about my condition. I've accomplished a fair amount of things in life, but my self-esteem is nonexistent. I hate myself. Last but not least, I can't stand the idea of staying on this Earth only to watch humanity destroy it (and itself in the process). I think we live in an insane society under unnatural conditions, but it seems that 90% of people are fine with this and accept it as normal, so there is no hope for change.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hi guys,

I'm a female in my mid-twenties. My story is pretty boring and average. I've been depressed since childhood. I got mocking/hostile reactions from my family when I tried to talk about my problems, and from the doctors I got meds which gave me permanent side effects + an unhelpful hospital (prison) stay. That's why I live pretty isolated and try not to complain about my condition. I've accomplished a fair amount of things in life, but my self-esteem is nonexistent. I hate myself. Last but not least, I can't stand the idea of staying on this Earth only to watch humanity destroy it (and itself in the process). I think we live in an insane society under unnatural conditions, but it seems that 90% of people are fine with this and accept it as normal, so there is no hope for change.

Hi guys,

I'm a female in my mid-twenties. My story is pretty boring and average. I've been depressed since childhood. I got mocking/hostile reactions from my family when I tried to talk about my problems, and from the doctors I got meds which gave me permanent side effects + an unhelpful hospital (prison) stay. That's why I live pretty isolated and try not to complain about my condition. I've accomplished a fair amount of things in life, but my self-esteem is nonexistent. I hate myself. Last but not least, I can't stand the idea of staying on this Earth only to watch humanity destroy it (and itself in the process). I think we live in an insane society under unnatural conditions, but it seems that 90% of people are fine with this and accept it as normal, so there is no hope for change.

I think the society of which you speak is a large part of the cause of so many young people suffering premature illnesses and depression; and I know of many people who are aware, and absolutely disgusted, by the state of our culture in total as a cause. Wishing you the best you can find.