Introduce yourself

[Theon]

Hello Cleopatra, hope you're having a nice day today.

Private Messages (PM) are referred to as 'Conversations' on this site. You can check your conversations by clicking on the enevelop icon in the top-right of the screen, next to your username. This will give you an overview of recent conversations, and allow you to start a new conversation with another user.

View attachment 12227

If you have a particular user that you would like to start a conversation/PM with, you can usually find a link to start a new conversation once you click on their name. This is the same place that we located your profile earlier - the panel that appears to the left of a user's posts.

View attachment 12228

I'll send you a test conversation once I post this, so you can see how the envelope icon lights up when you have a new message. If you need any clarifications or further advice (or just want to practice sending a message), feel free to use that feature to message me directly.

Your dog sounds like a clever one. I'm glad you were able to take care of so many, there must have been lots of adventures there. I would enjoy having a cat if anything, but the logistics get a bit difficult. I get very worried about my ability to take care of anything, especially when I'm prone to sleep for 24 hours straight without waking up. Not healthy for other creatures of which I would be taking care. There's also a space restriction (I've lived in rented rooms my entire life) and financial restrictions (my finances are only enough to support me, I'm unsure I would be able to handle vetrenarian bills.) It's a romantic idea but it gets a bit more difficult when thinking through it all. I still appreciate the advice and it's something I think about quite a bit.

Hi there, just wondering how long after you've signed up to the site before you can send and receive PM's?

 

[Cleopatra123]

I desperately wanted another dog after my last surgery; but I had to retire, and my income got so low I can hardly feed myself. How awful to live in rented rooms. Is the sleeping a depressive thing, or a physical issue.

Hello Cleopatra, hope you're having a nice day today.

Private Messages (PM) are referred to as 'Conversations' on this site. You can check your conversations by clicking on the enevelop icon in the top-right of the screen, next to your username. This will give you an overview of recent conversations, and allow you to start a new conversation with another user.

View attachment 12227

If you have a particular user that you would like to start a conversation/PM with, you can usually find a link to start a new conversation once you click on their name. This is the same place that we located your profile earlier - the panel that appears to the left of a user's posts.

View attachment 12228

I'll send you a test conversation once I post this, so you can see how the envelope icon lights up when you have a new message. If you need any clarifications or further advice (or just want to practice sending a message), feel free to use that feature to message me directly.

Your dog sounds like a clever one. I'm glad you were able to take care of so many, there must have been lots of adventures there. I would enjoy having a cat if anything, but the logistics get a bit difficult. I get very worried about my ability to take care of anything, especially when I'm prone to sleep for 24 hours straight without waking up. Not healthy for other creatures of which I would be taking care. There's also a space restriction (I've lived in rented rooms my entire life) and financial restrictions (my finances are only enough to support me, I'm unsure I would be able to handle vetrenarian bills.) It's a romantic idea but it gets a bit more difficult when thinking through it all. I still appreciate the advice and it's something I think about quite a bit.

Hi Hobbs: how are you. I am struggling along like an old clutz trying to be correct, lol. It looks like our conversation below is on someone else's post? How could that happen? When I think of sleeping for 24 hours straight, it sounds enticing, the thing I hate worst is opening my eyes in the morning. I feel so crushed, like, oh no, not again; eventually I'd be evicted, loose my house, thrown into the street, be sued by debtors, loose lots of weight, lol, can't afford to eat much anyway! I can't find a partner. I've been alone so much, I can't think of my last moment alone. Plus, I'm a clutz at mechanical equipment. Well, we're all dumb in some areas, but, I do believe I was a good nurse. Hope you're feeling better. Cleo

 

[Cleopatra123]

You know, your kids not helping you doesn't mean that you failed at parenting, or that you were a bad mother. Please don't think that. Perhaps you were, perhaps you weren't, but we all do hate ourselves and view ourselves more negatively than others do. Consistently. And some people just turn out kind of mean, even if their parents were great.

I already understand family and friends dropping off. Quite well, unfortunately. I lost both parents very close to each other, and although they were abusive, that was a blow. I've had to bury 3-5 people every year since 2011... I am now afraid to make friends.

Don't worry; I smoke (and eat) a lot of weed for the pain. I wish I could mitigate some of your pain, though.

Thank you so much, you are very kind. To be hones I never believed in physical punishment or abusive language to children. It seemed we were very close and warm and did a lot together till they went to HS. About 15 my who was very bright started showing strange behavior and in a few years (actually almost 20 years ago) was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Then, when my daughter came home from college, she became addicted. I truly put till now all my efforts into helping them, but, how can I feel that there was something I didn't do right; of course, with Schizo, not much I could do and little help. But, it, along with a chronic illness I lived, worked with and paid all attention to the kids with, I'm at the end of the rope. Nothing left to life for my friend, not wanting to cause pain to other people shows you have insight and wisdom. I've been around quite longer than most here, and I must comment, I have never seen so many people who are so unhappy, disadvantaged, wounded; and so many youth with mental health diagnoses; and I spent my life as a nurse. Best wishes and blessings. Cleo

 

[LiitaNoFace]

Hi

I'm 34 years old. I'm a university lecturer and a mummy to a beautiful 4 year old girl. I have a diagnosis of PTSD, Anorexia and Dissociative Identity Disorder as a result of long term serious childhood abuse. I am fighting constant suicidal urges currently and trying to find support to help me keep going for the sake of my child. I feel so guilty but my sister went through the same trauma as me and has tried to kill herself multiple times since the age of 14. She also has PTSD and a dissociative seizure disorder. So I'm trying not to beat myself up too much about the way I am as I think if you go through extreme trauma caused by a parent as a child it destroys your soul inescapably. I can't trust people and I am not living, I am barely surviving and suffering excruciating emotional pain. I'm so done with life

 

[Hobbes]

Hi there, just wondering how long after you've signed up to the site before you can send and receive PM's?

You have probably figured this out by today, but there's a 24 hour and 5 post limit to prevent spammers. You would have reached this milestone already, so you should be able to send a private message today.

Hi Hobbs: how are you. I am struggling along like an old clutz trying to be correct, lol. It looks like our conversation below is on someone else's post? How could that happen? When I think of sleeping for 24 hours straight, it sounds enticing, the thing I hate worst is opening my eyes in the morning. I feel so crushed, like, oh no, not again; eventually I'd be evicted, loose my house, thrown into the street, be sued by debtors, loose lots of weight, lol, can't afford to eat much anyway! I can't find a partner. I've been alone so much, I can't think of my last moment alone. Plus, I'm a clutz at mechanical equipment. Well, we're all dumb in some areas, but, I do believe I was a good nurse. Hope you're feeling better. Cleo

Hey there, sorry for missing your earlier post. I haven't checked this place every day. I'm not entirely sure about what you mean by our conversation being on someone else's post. Things can get twisted around when people quote each other, especially when holding multiple conversations in a single post (like I'm doing on this post.) As long as you use the 'reply' function, people will get a notification when you mention them or quote them in a post, and they should be able to use the context to understand the conversation.

The sleeping disorder is both a hold-over from my depressive state and a physical issue. I always sleep more when I'm depressed, but I also do not take care of my body in any way. I eat nothing but fast food, and I usually eat once every one or two days. I have also never exercized in my life. My body doesn't understand what to do and lacks energy, so I end up sleeping for 12+ hours a day (and sometimes that full day in one sleep.) It usually just makes you feel disoriented and horrible, but I can absolutely see how enticing it would be. My good friend has insomnia and sleeps once every three days or so, so I feel horrible complaining about such a thing when she is suffering much worse and my state could be handled by just taking care of my body. But it's very difficult to care about such a thing, as stated before.

I hope you're feeling better as well. I know it's a struggle just to get through day to day, while also wrangling with this existential dread. I'm sorry you've been alone so much. I hope your family comes through for you, but I understand from your earlier posts that it's not always possible. I feel bad for ignoring my parents so much for how well they treated me. I am still able to see them once a year, but I should make more of an effort to contact them beyond that.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Welcome. I love your avatar. Many here have health problems, you are not alone!

Thank you so much, you are very kind. To be hones I never believed in physical punishment or abusive language to children. It seemed we were very close and warm and did a lot together till they went to HS. About 15 my who was very bright started showing strange behavior and in a few years (actually almost 20 years ago) was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Then, when my daughter came home from college, she became addicted. I truly put till now all my efforts into helping them, but, how can I feel that there was something I didn't do right; of course, with Schizo, not much I could do and little help. But, it, along with a chronic illness I lived, worked with and paid all attention to the kids with, I'm at the end of the rope. Nothing left to life for my friend, not wanting to cause pain to other people shows you have insight and wisdom. I've been around quite longer than most here, and I must comment, I have never seen so many people who are so unhappy, disadvantaged, wounded; and so many youth with mental health diagnoses; and I spent my life as a nurse. Best wishes and blessings. Cleo

Thank God for a natural non addictive relief for anxiety.

 

[Alcor]

I always disliked introducing myself always an akward ordeal but here goes. I'm 22,23 in less than a month 23 is the age I don't believe I'll make it past. No real ambitions or passion for anything except maybe playing a couple video games or binge watching anime. No real talent and a job I hate most of the time.
Long time ago I used to be pretty afraid of death nowadays I have to fight to think of anything else. My grandmother (She's raised me since I was 2) has been diagnosed with cancer and I think when she goes I will. I can't think of anyone or anything I love more than her. I can't tell her what I'm but I think somewhere she knows, she's been aware of my depression before. I want to go somewhere far away secluded and put a bullet in my head so my family doesn't have to see. That might have been TMI and I apologize but that's where I am right now.

 

[Cleopatra123]

I always disliked introducing myself always an akward ordeal but here goes. I'm 22,23 in less than a month 23 is the age I don't believe I'll make it past. No real ambitions or passion for anything except maybe playing a couple video games or binge watching anime. No real talent and a job I hate most of the time.
Long time ago I used to be pretty afraid of death nowadays I have to fight to think of anything else. My grandmother (She's raised me since I was 2) has been diagnosed with cancer and I think when she goes I will. I can't think of anyone or anything I love more than her. I can't tell her what I'm but I think somewhere she knows, she's been aware of my depression before. I want to go somewhere far away secluded and put a bullet in my head so my family doesn't have to see. That might have been TMI and I apologize but that's where I am right now.

Hello Alcor: I'm so sorry to hear you are so sad. It's really hard to develop or entertain any passion or talent when you are binge watching empty video games or anime (but, sorry don't know what anime is). It's just a shame that someone, or school, did not imbue you with more interesting things. I first when I was young worked in boring office jobs; then decided to go to nursing school. But, there are many more things in the world that can make for a more interesting life. It's very, very depressing taking care of a beloved person for whom you must worry all the time, I have a similar situation with a different disease, and the angst of not knowing what worse could happen next is almost beyond endurance, and so totally understandable one reason we are both depressed. No need to apologize, depression in current culture is rampant, and we on this site understand, because we feel similarly. I wish you the best, perhaps you can think of something in life that can be more meaningful for you; even if it's bowling, or exercising, or joinging a meditation or yoga class; just to do something for yourself. Take Care Cleo

 

[anonusername]

Hello everyone,
I'm a 31 year old male on some kind of strange life journey. While I've had few hardships in comparison to others suffering from similar feelings, I've been battling depression and suicidal ideation for over half of my life now. During that 15 year journey, I've felt more and more inflicted with the callousness of human nature; suffering through many abusive relationships; or simply being human currency to fulfill another persons means to an end.

I found this forum a few days ago. Spent time learning and expanding my knowledge. Spent tearful moments over some message relays between users. Found catharsis and strange comfort. Right now I'm just glad I'm not the only person struggling with severely complex and complicated emotions.

Big thanks to the mods for creating this space. And thanks for accepting me into the community.

 

[devil]

female, 22, USA

I don't know how much longer I can take of this shitty life
the only thing I love is reading and music
I hate talking in person
I hate pretty much everything else
drugs & alcohol = love

xoxo

 

[jlshghr]

Hello guys,
I am a 22-year-old female from Germany. I have struggled with manic depression type 2 for about a year now and it's been really hard. I read a lot of threads on this forum before planning my suicide, death by hanging. I almost attempted but I couldn't go through with it. My parents found my rope and I was committed voluntarily. Today I feel better and I'm on meds. If you have any questions, go ahead and ask!
Jlshghr

 

[SlowlyWastingLife]

Hi, like the username says - I'm slowly wasting my life away.
Literally do nothing all day but sleep or lay on the couch and watch TV.
Getting tired of being a burden and feeling miserable, so I feel like I'm ready to go.

 

[shaddix]

Greetings! I am 34 male, southeastern US. I have been thinking about suicide for a long time, and am finally at the point where my father is about to go naturally and the rest of my family is out of my life. Most of my personal relationships are ended or stale so going forward my goal is to build relationships with people who are pro-choice. It never made any sense to me why we should be forced to exist, thanks to the folks who keep this forum running.

 

[Nodscene]

I've read quite a few of the introductions and can not only sympathize but have gone through a lot of it myself.

As someone who never thought they'd make it past their early 20's being this old is a horrible fate.

Like many I've suffered from severe depression and have been suicidal since I was a young teen. I also have 3 sleeping disorders which made working almost impossible. I could go on and elaborate but with so many years I could probably write a novel which no one wants to read.

I now also suffer from chronic pain 24/7 that meds only put a dent in.

I've never had a lot of friends, probably from being an introvert and a lot from finding out most people just lie or use you for whatever they need and are never around when you need them. Partly it's my fault as I suck a making friends and always have so I've been alone most of my life. The lack of human contact and affection for so much of my life has only fed my depression.

I did have a girlfriend for 8 years but it was a mess of a relationship and did more harm than good. Oddly enough she is now my best friend and is supportive and understanding (as much as someone can be) of my health issues. To give her credit she did have a lot of mental issues and was abused by a lot of men so it took a long time for her to come to terms with her problems and now has a better outlook on life and realizes that I supported her more than anyone else when she tried overdosing or needed a shoulder to cry on etc. That being said we still make better friend that anything else. Not sure why I added all that....I guess it was a big part of my life but even when something should have been more positive than negative that's never the way things have worked out.

I have a tendency of saying/writing things the wrong way. I think part of it is that people try to interpret what I'm saying rather than what I'm actually saying. Does that make sense to anyone else?

Because I'm on pain meds my family just thinks I'm a drug addict because of the new "opiod crisis" which I'm sure all of you know is a joke.

Like everyone here it's time to end this misery and find the least painful way to do it. I've pretty much settled on a combination of Argon and the updated cocktail (amitriptiline). As a backup to my backup I believe I have enough meds to also cause my breathing to stop. I'd love to get N but I can't afford to have anything go wrong either with it getting confiscated, fake, or just getting ripped off. I'd even go for a gun or h overdose but not only can I not get it but I've never injected so that's out of the question. So many options....

The only thing in life I actually enjoy is music. It's the only thing that can bring me any sort of happiness and about the only thing I can understand (most people I don't get). Well, I do have to add drugs to that list. Sadly I've never gotten anything from my prescription meds aside from some relief. But music and a fire (camping etc) and mushrooms or MDMA and that's about as happy as life gets. It's also where I plan on finding my final rest.

Well that's enough rambling.

I wish that everyone either get better and find some amount of happiness or find a peaceful way out.

 

[262653]

Hello,

I would like to use this place to lurk and read the insights of others. I (ashamedly) need to run up my post count a bit to access certain features of the site (understandably, to ensure I'm not some bridge troll.) I figured I would drop a line here to explain my hesitancy to contribute and talk over others.

I don't believe that I have anything of worth to contribute. I have the standard millennial MDD/GAD diagnosis, with some schizoid personality disorder on the side. Other than that, I have been unendingly fortunate with my circumstances. I have people that support me, I had a normal childhood, I do not have any debilitating ailments, I have anti-depressants that allow me to function properly - everything that makes me uneasy to be so disgusting as to complain about my circumstances. I still do not see the worth in living out an entire life. I feel a vast sea of emptiness. I've spent my entire life on the computer/internet, locked in my room, and any attempt to make adjustments to that behaviour is just met with numbness. I don't feel anything in the arms of another person, be it a 'romantic' partner or parent. Nothing really seems to matter. I want to be alone on my computer and sleep all day and everything getting in the way of that - finances/employment to support my rent and medication, eating to fuel this body - seems irrelevant. Having a close internet friend commit suicide a few years back seemed to escalate that thinking.

Again, I fully realize how fortunate I am to be able to experience this numbness, but it gets more and more difficult to rationalize an entire life based around this philosophy. I fully believe I will be on the internet until my chest caves in, consuming lines of text and vapid media. Because of this, I don't believe I should be talking over the other members of the site or offering my extremely narrow insight (or lack thereof) on any number of topics.

Thank you for sharing your stories. I hope you all find peace with your options.

You sound to me... unusually discerning, might be because I find your story to be achingly familiar... But perhaps you could broaden your perspective by sharing it and letting others make an assessment? Or just write it down really so you'll have an opportunity come back reflecting on it.

 

[Hobbes]

You sound to me... unusually discerning, might be because I find your story to be achingly familiar... But perhaps you could broaden your perspective by sharing it and letting others make an assessment? Or just write it down really so you'll have an opportunity come back reflecting on it.

It's never that easy though - being able to express a fraction of anything in your head takes ages and doesn't come out correctly at all. Better to leave it to the arts to communicate those abstract thoughts. I find my inability to effectively communicate with others immensely frustrating. I advise others to share what they can because I do believe there is value in all perspectives and it's up to others to parse and extract that value, but it's always so difficult to follow your own advice. Everybody's their own worst critic.

I appreciate your concern though, and I'm sorry you find a few of those topics relatable. I hope you're in a better situation, or at least able to stray from your mind long enough to give yourself some peace (unlikely, seing as we both ended up here, but still a nice thought.)

 

[Kuolema]

Hello all. I'm a 23 year old male. I haven't got any friends and the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my mum. My anxiety is so bad I don't even talk to people online. I'm gay, but nobody knows I'm gay except my psychiatrist. I've never been in a relationship before and I don't think I ever will. I'm on so many meds right now, I'm pretty much incapable of sex. When I'm not working a job I hate, I'm usually reading history books, playing video games or watching movies. I'm not really sure why I joined this forum, I don't have much to contribute. I suppose I just wanted a place where I could share my true thoughts without fear of being put on a mental health ward.

 

[Kmf123]

Hey everyone. My names Kieran. 25 from the UK. Recently found out my partner has lied and cheated more than I originally thought. Was single for just under 2 weeks and he slept with people straight away. I'm back with him (yup, I'm a homo) and cant get the feelings of anger, disgust, pain out my head. I feel like I cant be happy without him, but also I'm struggling to be happy with him.

 

[262653]

It's never that easy though - being able to express a fraction of anything in your head takes ages and doesn't come out correctly at all. Better to leave it to the arts to communicate those abstract thoughts. I find my inability to effectively communicate with others immensely frustrating. I advise others to share what they can because I do believe there is value in all perspectives and it's up to others to parse and extract that value, but it's always so difficult to follow your own advice. Everybody's their own worst critic.

I appreciate your concern though, and I'm sorry you find a few of those topics relatable. I hope you're in a better situation, or at least able to stray from your mind long enough to give yourself some peace (unlikely, seing as we both ended up here, but still a nice thought.)

Oh, I know that too well... What do you mean by communicating with arts? What do you do? I still remember having to spend 5 hours to make a page sized post on reddit... And when I just write spontaneously its too messy to be coherent... and there are few inaccuracies here and there... this word should be more applicable... this one is too ambiguous... I need to elaborate point Y for point X to be understood... which in turn compels me to introduce point Z, which... And we sink ever deeper down the rabbit hole.

It's all right... No need to apologize for troubles you didn't make, I guess. I've noticed a lot of sorries here and there in English-based environment. In my culture we don't apologize that often. But anyway, thanks. Feel free to express yourself spontaneously, to write things the way they come to mind... I don't mind spending extra time to decode your text. And it can prove to be a decent mental practice, I suppose.

*But I think I'm asking too much... I tried it before. Felt like I'm naked in public.

 

[Hobbes]

Oh, I know that too well... What do you mean by communicating with arts? What do you do? I still remember having to spend 5 hours to make a page sized post on reddit... And when I just write spontaneously its too messy to be coherent... and there are few inaccuracies here and there... this word should be more applicable... this one is too ambiguous... I need to elaborate point Y for point X to be understood... which in turn compels me to introduce point Z, which... And we sink ever deeper down the rabbit hole.

It's all right... No need to apologize for troubles you didn't make, I guess. I've noticed a lot of sorries here and there in English-based environment. In my culture we don't apologize that often. But anyway, thanks. Feel free to express yourself spontaneously, to write things the way they come to mind... I don't mind spending extra time to decode your text. And it can prove to be a decent mental practice, I suppose.

*But I think I'm asking too much... I tried it before. Felt like I'm naked in public.

You explained it perfectly with your Y, X and Z explanation. It all spirals out of control so quickly, when I've already thought out all of these sequences and their branching paths. It quickly turns into that page-sized post like you said, and it's difficult to ask others to spend the time to wade through all that for some grain of truth. You sound like a very sensible person, and very willing to give others a chance. It's a very kind quality that is difficult to come by these days.

I make some amateur music and videos and what not, you can listen here if you are curious: >

The first and last few minutes contain footage of a man shooting himself in the head, so I would advise against those parts if seeing that makes you uncomfortable.

Hello all. I'm a 23 year old male. I haven't got any friends and the only person I talk to on a regular basis is my mum. My anxiety is so bad I don't even talk to people online. I'm gay, but nobody knows I'm gay except my psychiatrist. I've never been in a relationship before and I don't think I ever will. I'm on so many meds right now, I'm pretty much incapable of sex. When I'm not working a job I hate, I'm usually reading history books, playing video games or watching movies. I'm not really sure why I joined this forum, I don't have much to contribute. I suppose I just wanted a place where I could share my true thoughts without fear of being put on a mental health ward.

Hello, Kuolema. We seem to be in similar circumstances. I'm a gay man in his mid-20's as well, unable to find any interest in sex or companionship in general (from medication and depressive states.) It's difficult when it's such a quick suggestion to fix mental issues (just get laid, just do drugs, just xyz.) I'm sorry you're in such a joyless place at the moment, and I'm sorry you have to hide the source of your pain from others. A forum is a good place to put yourself out there without the pressures of a 1-on-1 conversation. Feel free to reach out to anybody, including myself, if you want to speak privately about anything on your mind.

 

[Kuolema]

Hello, Kuolema. We seem to be in similar circumstances. I'm a gay man in his mid-20's as well, unable to find any interest in sex or companionship in general (from medication and depressive states.) It's difficult when it's such a quick suggestion to fix mental issues (just get laid, just do drugs, just xyz.) I'm sorry you're in such a joyless place at the moment, and I'm sorry you have to hide the source of your pain from others. A forum is a good place to put yourself out there without the pressures of a 1-on-1 conversation. Feel free to reach out to anybody, including myself, if you want to speak privately about anything on your mind.

Thank you for the kind words. I'm pretty conflicted at the moment. My parents are catholic, my step-dad being a lot more conservative than my mum. I want to come out of the closet and find a bf and live happily ever after. But like I said, I can't do the whole sex thing even though I'm not asexual in the slightest. Not to mention i find it very difficult to talk to people, especially men i'm attracted to. Also I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my family as they are all that I've got. It's for these reasons that I feel hopeless and why I'm on a site called sanctionedsuicide. I don't really want to kill myself, but I don't want to exist either. I wish life was less complicated.

 

[Subhuman]

Hey everyone. I'm so happy I found this forum. I've been suicidal since I was 12 and I'm now 30. My entire life has been a waste and with every year that goes by I wish I'd killed myself sooner. I have severe depression, severe anxiety, as well as some other mental health issues that caused me to inadvertently damage my body to the point of chronic illness. So for the past 5 years or so I have varying degrees of physical discomfort to deal with on top of the already unbearable mental anguish. It's all getting worse lately and I feel a sense of urgency to end my life before I'm physically incapable of doing so.

 

[SerenitySeeker]

Hi, im a 32 y.o., female, from the USA. I've suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome since the age of 8 and severe diagnosed recurrent anxiety and depression since the age of 13 but I believe it started younger than that. I've done all types of therapy, antidepressants ( refuse to ever use those again), and alternative healing. Usually I'm able to push through and just go about life dealing with it the best I can, but i've recently have had some chronic health issues that have just stopped me dead in my tracks and I feel there isn't much coming back from. CTB has always been in the back of my head when i would go through a rough time but now it's becoming much more of a tangible option. I could deal with the mental part of things, I always have one way or another but the physical health component has just destroyed my life.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Hi, im a 32 y.o., female, from the USA. I've suffered from chronic fatigue syndrome since the age of 8 and severe diagnosed recurrent anxiety and depression since the age of 13 but I believe it started younger than that. I've done all types of therapy, antidepressants ( refuse to ever use those again), and alternative healing. Usually I'm able to push through and just go about life dealing with it the best I can, but i've recently have had some chronic health issues that have just stopped me dead in my tracks and I feel there isn't much coming back from. CTB has always been in the back of my head when i would go through a rough time but now it's becoming much more of a tangible option. I could deal with the mental part of things, I always have one way or another but the physical health component has just destroyed my life.

Hi Serentiy, I know your pain so very personally, and please accept my deeply sincere sorrow for your suffering. When I was diagnosed with CFS 40 years ago; they didn't believe it was anything but a behavioral issue. I was a nurse, and used all my predilections to alternative remedies, since medicine offered nothing but stupidity. What is aching so much to see, is how young you were when diagnosied; yes, it is a real and researched diagnosis now; research going along neurological, immunological, mitochondrial issues of cellular production and more more more; all to say; this is one hell of a disease of misery. By now, despite treating symptoms, still working sometimes partime, injecting myself with homeopathy to get by the days; and as the years progressed, one after another affected and needing increasing symptomatic half measure treatments. I understand you are reaching a rough point, the accumulated effects of time on the organs. It's possible that your depression was part of the now diagnosed neurological issues; which they are debating the causes of diligently, at last. It's called myalgic/encephalitis. If and why the lining of the brain becomes inflamed is of question, in this case it causes the lack of strength of muscles, increasing the fatigue, and requiring ever more rest. To get it so young, I can see the consequences of striving for some kind of life. But, there are new protocols emerging: there are affects on organs that can be minimized by methods some of which I could share. Sometimes, I say I must be the oldest living survivor, as now the age of death is averaged to be 55, and the suicide rate 5x the national average. I'm here Serenity, because all of the meaning of life has been stolen, replaced with peace only in sleep, and nightmares of each day. Perhaps though, I can help you in some way since I have been through it. Please let me know, and, I'm glad to have found someone who truly can understand the suffering that calls for peace. Cleo

 

[SerenitySeeker]

Hi Serentiy, I know your pain so very personally, and please accept my deeply sincere sorrow for your suffering. When I was diagnosed with CFS 40 years ago; they didn't believe it was anything but a behavioral issue. I was a nurse, and used all my predilections to alternative remedies, since medicine offered nothing but stupidity. What is aching so much to see, is how young you were when diagnosied; yes, it is a real and researched diagnosis now; research going along neurological, immunological, mitochondrial issues of cellular production and more more more; all to say; this is one hell of a disease of misery. By now, despite treating symptoms, still working sometimes partime, injecting myself with homeopathy to get by the days; and as the years progressed, one after another affected and needing increasing symptomatic half measure treatments. I understand you are reaching a rough point, the accumulated effects of time on the organs. It's possible that your depression was part of the now diagnosed neurological issues; which they are debating the causes of diligently, at last. It's called myalgic/encephalitis. If and why the lining of the brain becomes inflamed is of question, in this case it causes the lack of strength of muscles, increasing the fatigue, and requiring ever more rest. To get it so young, I can see the consequences of striving for some kind of life. But, there are new protocols emerging: there are affects on organs that can be minimized by methods some of which I could share. Sometimes, I say I must be the oldest living survivor, as now the age of death is averaged to be 55, and the suicide rate 5x the national average. I'm here Serenity, because all of the meaning of life has been stolen, replaced with peace only in sleep, and nightmares of each day. Perhaps though, I can help you in some way since I have been through it. Please let me know, and, I'm glad to have found someone who truly can understand the suffering that calls for peace. Cleo

Thank you Cleo! It definitely is nice to speak with someone who understands on such a personal level. Believe it or not, I've never met or talked to anyone who has been living with CF. I'm unfortunately very familiar with how it wasn't taken seriously for so long and I believe that played a huge role with me just dealing with not ever feeling "good" mentally or physically. I never in a million years thought it would lead to being/feeling how I feel now. I would love to chat more, I'm new so I know it takes a minute before I can PM. Not sure if you can pm me now or not?

 

[Cleopatra123]

Thank you Cleo! It definitely is nice to speak with someone who understands on such a personal level. Believe it or not, I've never met or talked to anyone who has been living with CF. I'm unfortunately very familiar with how it wasn't taken seriously for so long and I believe that played a huge role with me just dealing with not ever feeling "good" mentally or physically. I never in a million years thought it would lead to being/feeling how I feel now. I would love to chat more, I'm new so I know it takes a minute before I can PM. Not sure if you can pm me now or not?

We can probably chat, maybe tomorrow. But, I think it's a good idea for everyone here to know that there is a glut of both physical and mental health issues affecting younger and younger people, with an increasing dysfunctuality of family and community dynamics, combined with poor health care, and a dying environment that are playing into the pain of younger and younger people. I just saw a documentary yesterday, blew my mind, children now born with schizophrenia; an illness in the past much rarer and affecting young adults; not newborns. What does this all have to say about our society; health care, medical professionalism. See you soon.

 

[Subhuman]

We can probably chat, maybe tomorrow. But, I think it's a good idea for everyone here to know that there is a glut of both physical and mental health issues affecting younger and younger people, with an increasing dysfunctuality of family and community dynamics, combined with poor health care, and a dying environment that are playing into the pain of younger and younger people. I just saw a documentary yesterday, blew my mind, children now born with schizophrenia; an illness in the past much rarer and affecting young adults; not newborns. What does this all have to say about our society; health care, medical professionalism. See you soon.

Not much to add because you said it all perfectly. But if the documentary was about Jani Schofield (Born Schizophrenic), the parents are scammers and they recently lost custody of both children due to how badly they were abusing them.

 

[262653]

You explained it perfectly with your Y, X and Z explanation. It all spirals out of control so quickly, when I've already thought out all of these sequences and their branching paths. It quickly turns into that page-sized post like you said, and it's difficult to ask others to spend the time to wade through all that for some grain of truth. You sound like a very sensible person, and very willing to give others a chance. It's a very kind quality that is difficult to come by these days.

I make some amateur music and videos and what not, you can listen here if you are curious: >

The first and last few minutes contain footage of a man shooting himself in the head, so I would advise against those parts if seeing that makes you uncomfortable.

Ah, I just have too much free time. And lately I've come to embrace thought chaos as it is. Its not always precise and coherent but its how it is... Raw and primitive... I find some beauty in it.
Your music sounds very calming and peaceful, like dark ambient. Thanks for sharing. I didn't noticed a man blowing his brains off though, I'm totally comfortable with this, maybe even more than usual... The music is really relaxing... and mesmerizing.

 

[Cleopatra123]

Not much to add because you said it all perfectly. But if the documentary was about Jani Schofield (Born Schizophrenic), the parents are scammers and they recently lost custody of both children due to how badly they were abusing them.

Am not sure this was the same person; it was a docu. about a group of people, I just caught it accidentally; nevertheless, young people are getting sicker much earlier with strange things.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Hi

I'm normally okay with introductions. But one on a site like this is hard. Knowing that it might be the last introduction I ever make is hard.

I dont know how much I actually want to reveal about myself. Much of it doesn't matter. I'm not gonna spend time writing you a sob story or anything. I don't view my registering here as the beginning of a sad ending. There is no emotion tied to it at all. It's simply destiny.

I didn't want anything to turn out the way it did. I actually don't want to die. My body says otherwise. I can't make the anxiety stop. And pills and all of that aren't the answer. Doctors and really everyone truly don't understand nor want to understand the root cause. I'm tired of reiterating the cause over and over to death ears.

It's perfectly okay though. I have been alive and suffering for 29 years. It isn't going to change. And I'm done listening my whole life to the "it's get better" repeats. It in fact does not "get better" for some people, and holding a carrot on a stick for all eternity is less merciful then allowing someone who is suffering to just finally have some rest.

I suppose this is where the religious talk comes in. "Well you know it's a sin and you'll go to hell, right?" I'd like someone to describe the pain and suffering I'm in now. Because anxiety sure does feel a lot like burning from the inside. This is coming from someone who has felt boiling water poured on their own skin. The sensation is very similar.

2ndly, I'm asking for mercy. I am sick and suffering and I don't want to anymore. I don't see why that should automatically mean hell for me when I just want relief from the minutely torture fest. I think I deserve to have rest. I think I deserve to have the right to exit life if I so choose. I think I...well. That's enough for now.

Those are just the thoughts on my mind. More about me...I like Art, music, singing, outdoors and exploring, probably can't go into too much before my identity becomes obvious. That really sucks. But oh well. What are you going to do.

Atari.