Hello,
I'm a late 20s female with major depressive disorder, all forms of anxiety, and various ptsd. I tried killing myself around ages 12-17. I tried sleeping pills, I tried cutting myself, I tried slitting my throat, I tried hanging myself, I tried more pills, I tried hose in exhast car thing. I failed because I only learned how from watching my father fail suicide. And times when I could have succeeded I was intervined.
One day I took acid and realized how beautiful life was. I thought maybe things would get better and I'll wait until I'm 27 to decide again.
I experienced heartbreak, friends successfully killing themselves (the guy I lost my virginity to laid on train tracks weeks later. I never told him it was my first time) I've been hospitalized, sent to a teenage correction facility in another state, tried all the medications, became addicted to Xanax, got cut off and became agoraphobic, tried all the illegal drugs...my family got rid of all my stuff when I moved for a few months, I've been shamed, blamed, but mostly a burden. My dad tells his work I'm retarded to get out of stuff. I flunked out of university my senior year. I can't keep a job. I go to a lot therapy mostly for PTSD. My friends are all selfish drug addicts or alcoholics. My last boyfriend was emotional abusive and I'm still in love with him. (Most stupidest frustrating thing ever)
I'm pretty extreme, I dress weird, am very artsy, love all science. Art has saved me for the most part. I participate in burning man and spin fire. I was going to school for medical illustration...wanted to 3D render biochemistry. I used to be good but I haven't kept up with it and have lost my spark, it seems.
I've been a failure all my life and have suffered since my father decided crack was a better alternative to having a family. I grew up emotionally neglected, and in therapy/prescibed drugs.
I thought love could fill in the empty holes of my soul but I'm a burden to anyone. It's really not fair to the other person.
I thought well I could love my career but I failed out of college and have never had motivation to really work hard on anything. I find little purpose to anything and having a whatever job crushes my soul.
I really can't blame anyone by myself, now. I feel like I am suffering everyday. I'm unproductive, sleep 18+ hours, live in my bed, mooch off my family, cry a lot...etc... I just don't see a point to anything. Life will live on without me. I am totally at peace with that.