DansDanu
Member
- Jul 21, 2024
- 5
So I was planning to ctb a couple months ago but ran into problems with my method. I wanted to wait until after my niece's birthday but I ended up not even getting to California because my dad screwed me over with getting to the airport on time. So I thought, fine, I'll just wait until the court ordered treatment is over and then at least try to leave the country so I don't have to die in the fuckin US during an election. I don't really care which genocidal puppets of the oligarchs end up winning, but most of my friends and family expect me to care, which is yet another continual source of suicidal ideation.
Well two months ago I actually found a serious relationship. He started as literally just a Grindr hookup and it turns out he wanted to fall in love and eventually get married. Now my boyfriend is crazy about me and it's probably the best relationship I've ever had, but to me it just feels like another anchor keeping me weighed down in my shitty life. Not only that but he has depression/anxiety and eats like crap, so now most of my weight loss plans are shot and I feel like we have to work through our problems togetherā¦and this whole time I'm like wtf is wrong with me??? I found a stable loving relationship and now I'm even more resentful about living?? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY DAMMIT. Most people would KILL for what I have and my stupid body sends every possible "fuck you" to me that it can.
Not only that but my boyfriend works in the healthcare system and is also keeping tabs on my medication usage, so any hope I had of ditching the broken American healthcare system that is causing most of my suicidal thoughts is now gone. Now I have one more reason to feel guilty about ctb and one more person who could sic the cops on me for a welfare check if things go south.
Every time I look into his eyes I feel like such a fraud and a liar. I do love him and want him to be happy, but I still want to die much more than I want to live, and living the whole gay Hallmark romance thing makes me feel like such a poser. He can't see that I'm too broken to feel the way he feels. I wish someone would just run me over or shoot me in the head. I wish I could just starve to death painlessly. I wish I could just be happy with what I have.
Well two months ago I actually found a serious relationship. He started as literally just a Grindr hookup and it turns out he wanted to fall in love and eventually get married. Now my boyfriend is crazy about me and it's probably the best relationship I've ever had, but to me it just feels like another anchor keeping me weighed down in my shitty life. Not only that but he has depression/anxiety and eats like crap, so now most of my weight loss plans are shot and I feel like we have to work through our problems togetherā¦and this whole time I'm like wtf is wrong with me??? I found a stable loving relationship and now I'm even more resentful about living?? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY DAMMIT. Most people would KILL for what I have and my stupid body sends every possible "fuck you" to me that it can.
Not only that but my boyfriend works in the healthcare system and is also keeping tabs on my medication usage, so any hope I had of ditching the broken American healthcare system that is causing most of my suicidal thoughts is now gone. Now I have one more reason to feel guilty about ctb and one more person who could sic the cops on me for a welfare check if things go south.
Every time I look into his eyes I feel like such a fraud and a liar. I do love him and want him to be happy, but I still want to die much more than I want to live, and living the whole gay Hallmark romance thing makes me feel like such a poser. He can't see that I'm too broken to feel the way he feels. I wish someone would just run me over or shoot me in the head. I wish I could just starve to death painlessly. I wish I could just be happy with what I have.
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