restingplace
Student
- Mar 7, 2024
- 157
I don't know why I can recognise my mistakes, improve on them and repeat them again.
Just a day or two ago I lost my boyfriend of a year and 2 months. And it was completely my fault.
I knew when we got back together for the first time that we would be better off as friends. I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship right now and I don't think I will be for a very long time. Nonetheless we got back together, things were well until I started developing feelings for a girl. The guilt I feel over this is indescribable. I'm not sure why exactly I developed it but it was probably a sign that we should've stayed broken up. A lot happened which I'm not going to detail right now but maybe in a later post. I let this girl lay on my chest and called her cute. I didn't do this with the intention of cheating but obviously it was. I don't know how to live with myself. I felt bad for both sides and wanted to make everyone feel happy but I can't not prioritise my boyfriend, the guy that's been here through one of the worst years of my life, the guy that I have so many fond memories with, the guy my family took in as a second son.
He told me a bit ago that he tried to take his life. I didn't show him how hurt I felt for him, i wish I did. I think I was trying to stay strong and positive for him but that's just not me. I should've taken care of him and been with him yet I selfishly stayed in my bed worrying about the both of us instead of doing anything.
I'm part of the reason he tried to kill himself.
I don't know what to do with my life. He treated my like an actual human, he put up with all the shit I gave him.
I'm not talking to the girl, I don't have feelings anymore, I feel I won't have feelings for anyone for a long time.
I'm planning to end my life, not because of this but this is a big factor. I can't handle the fact that I did cheat on my precious boy, that I won't have anyone to scratch my back, that I won't make dinners with, that I won't hug and kiss, that I won't have long conversations with, that I won't go on walks with. But most important I just won't have him. I know even if everything went back to normal i wouldn't give him everything he deserves. The fact of the matter is that I'm clinically depressed and can't take care of even myself, let alone someone else. I wish I wasn't Ill. I'm going to speak to my therapist more and see if there's anything more I can do but I truly feel hopeless.
I feel as I treat everyone in my life horribly and I can't live with that. It fucking kills me that I didn't realise that I should've blocked that girl and given my boyfriend what he deserves in the last few days I had him.
I remember coming home from the day we broke up, dropping to my knees sobbing and trying not to be sick when my mum walked in on me. It felt like she was seeing me trying to hang myself in the woods again. All i could manage to say for a while was " mama i dont want to live anymore"
Tomorrow im going to the highest point in my town to look at if it would be possible for me to even consider jumping. It's definitely a lethal height, I'm just afraid of my survival instincts.
I'm not going to kill myself now either, i know my ex would hurt a lot if I did this right now, and I need more time for this anyway.
I can't stand being a horrible person, yet I somehow keep repeating my mistakes and it's killing me.
Just a day or two ago I lost my boyfriend of a year and 2 months. And it was completely my fault.
I knew when we got back together for the first time that we would be better off as friends. I'm not in a place where I can be in a relationship right now and I don't think I will be for a very long time. Nonetheless we got back together, things were well until I started developing feelings for a girl. The guilt I feel over this is indescribable. I'm not sure why exactly I developed it but it was probably a sign that we should've stayed broken up. A lot happened which I'm not going to detail right now but maybe in a later post. I let this girl lay on my chest and called her cute. I didn't do this with the intention of cheating but obviously it was. I don't know how to live with myself. I felt bad for both sides and wanted to make everyone feel happy but I can't not prioritise my boyfriend, the guy that's been here through one of the worst years of my life, the guy that I have so many fond memories with, the guy my family took in as a second son.
He told me a bit ago that he tried to take his life. I didn't show him how hurt I felt for him, i wish I did. I think I was trying to stay strong and positive for him but that's just not me. I should've taken care of him and been with him yet I selfishly stayed in my bed worrying about the both of us instead of doing anything.
I'm part of the reason he tried to kill himself.
I don't know what to do with my life. He treated my like an actual human, he put up with all the shit I gave him.
I'm not talking to the girl, I don't have feelings anymore, I feel I won't have feelings for anyone for a long time.
I'm planning to end my life, not because of this but this is a big factor. I can't handle the fact that I did cheat on my precious boy, that I won't have anyone to scratch my back, that I won't make dinners with, that I won't hug and kiss, that I won't have long conversations with, that I won't go on walks with. But most important I just won't have him. I know even if everything went back to normal i wouldn't give him everything he deserves. The fact of the matter is that I'm clinically depressed and can't take care of even myself, let alone someone else. I wish I wasn't Ill. I'm going to speak to my therapist more and see if there's anything more I can do but I truly feel hopeless.
I feel as I treat everyone in my life horribly and I can't live with that. It fucking kills me that I didn't realise that I should've blocked that girl and given my boyfriend what he deserves in the last few days I had him.
I remember coming home from the day we broke up, dropping to my knees sobbing and trying not to be sick when my mum walked in on me. It felt like she was seeing me trying to hang myself in the woods again. All i could manage to say for a while was " mama i dont want to live anymore"
Tomorrow im going to the highest point in my town to look at if it would be possible for me to even consider jumping. It's definitely a lethal height, I'm just afraid of my survival instincts.
I'm not going to kill myself now either, i know my ex would hurt a lot if I did this right now, and I need more time for this anyway.
I can't stand being a horrible person, yet I somehow keep repeating my mistakes and it's killing me.
