Venting I’m so lonely :(

[AnxiousLife]

I feel so lonely and alone, most of my life it was this way. I have avoidant personality disorder, ocd and other mental issues and I just cannot find friends nor a relationship, every one of them in the past didn't work out. I have fear people will judge me, laugh at me, think I'm a bad person, my anxiety in social settings is so high, not even therapy, medication, or psych ward helped, even though I'm trying to reach for help, nothing helps with these thoughts, they are somewhere deep down and follow me everywhere. I fell like I'm less than other people. Even if they hurt me, I almost always have the need to make them feel okay and not to bring any discomfort to them. I always wanted to feel loved, I would like to have a partner, who would love me for who I'm and with whom I would have ability to spend my time with, laugh, share our lives, have deep conversations, go on random walks, talk about our experiences. I would like to have friends who are there for me and don't judge me for my social anxiety. I can't even open up to proffesionals, I have thought in my mind that they hate me, that all people hate me, don't see me as equal and I'm so depressed and lonely, it's beyond my ability to describe it. My suicidal thoughts are mostly because of my social isolation. I just wanted to vent, as even on this forum I have social anxiety that others will judge me, or that I just take space here. I'm very thankful for this place. I just am so scarred of people but at the same time I crave friendships, relationship, social connection. Maybe someone can relate. Thank you

 

[tonicer]

I feel very similar to you. I want to or rather need to find a partner. I want to love someone and be loved. I'm a KHHV at 43(m) years old now and i want to cuddle with a woman who loves me with all my flaws and sees beyond my ugly face. When i look at couples i often see that one of them isn't good looking either but they found that special someone. It makes me feel happy to know they have someone to love who loves them back but i want that too. In a romantic anime i watched a character said "Everyone deserves to be loved." and that sentence stuck with me and everytime i think about it it makes my cry because i want it to be true but i know it isn't. I am a kind person, i never harmed anyone or killed an animal except mosquitoes or ticks on purpose. I have given so much and want something back and that something is love. A real friend would also be nice to have. I thought i had many but they all left because of my weirdness. Now it's just me living with my mom. I am beyond thankful that this site exists.

 

[LastNite]

I have really bad social anxiety as well. No friends or relationships. It's rough being like that. I get what you feel.

 

[Swan16]

Same here

 

[DownwardSpiral]

you said exactly how i feel. It's insanely hard, i feel for you.

 

[Salkak]

Same. I feel extremely lonely

 

[purebliss]

It's even worse when you sit in a room full of people that actually like you and you like them as well but your brain completely shuts down and makes you feel as if everyone has abandoned you for whatever reason. As if you are hated even though someone is literally right next to you, talking to you.

 

[pelicanportal]

Could have written this myself, you are not alone in feeling this way. Sorry it came to this.

 

[Deepdense]

I think something you will really benefit from is going to the park and just seeing people. People can be intimidating until you really see that many have the same worries and fears as you. But this isn't something you'll see until you look for yourself.

 

[MMOSTHATED]

I feel u Im lonely as well and my social anxiety really makes it hard for me to reach out to people even if they are willing to help me so idk what to do. It makes me feel pathetic and that I'm a terrible person for not accepting their help but I'm just very nervous and shy talking to people. And the feeling of constantly being judged by isn't helping as well. Social anxiety is the worst it prevents me from doing literally everything

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I know what it feels like to be alone and ostracised. You can always talk to me if you want someone to talk to or want a friend.

I feel very similar to you. I want to or rather need to find a partner. I want to love someone and be loved. I'm a KHHV at 43(m) years old now and i want to cuddle with a woman who loves me with all my flaws and sees beyond my ugly face. When i look at couples i often see that one of them isn't good looking either but they found that special someone. It makes me feel happy to know they have someone to love who loves them back but i want that too. In a romantic anime i watched a character said "Everyone deserves to be loved." and that sentence stuck with me and everytime i think about it it makes my cry because i want it to be true but i know it isn't. I am a kind person, i never harmed anyone or killed an animal except mosquitoes or ticks on purpose. I have given so much and want something back and that something is love. A real friend would also be nice to have. I thought i had many but they all left because of my weirdness. Now it's just me living with my mom. I am beyond thankful that this site exists.

You seem like a very sweet person. I hope you find someone that loves and appreciates you for who you are.

 

[endboss]

I can relate, too. I am also lonely and depression only made everything so much worse.

 

[twistedtransistor47]

I relate to all of this I wish all of us mega anxious people could just group together irl and help each other with our lives

 

[tomame]

i'm lonely too.

all i seek is validation.

i envy the people who could care less about relationships or companionship

it's all i care to have and it weighs on me terribly without it

 

[ForeverLonely82]

I'm also very lonely too I live in total isolation no one ever calls me or writes me on Facebook or anything. I stay here in my head too much and always find myself remembering the days when I was remotely happy. There are also times I sit and remember the good times I had with my wife before she died. I am very jealous of all those who can Effortlessly find a friend or more in life or aren't alone. I'm so used to being ghosted and people drifting from me but it still stings because I'm human after all at the end of the day and I have a heart beating in my chest for the moment. I just want to know what the fuck I did so wrong in this life that I have to be hated this much Sure I'm strong opinionated on things but at the same time I have some good qualities I would like to think. I'm not like your normal adult at 44 years old I enjoy retro video games and anime Listen to a lot of 80s and 90s music I also enjoy movies from the 1970s all the way up to the early 2000s because all movies today just flat out fucking suck. I consider myself an easy going person I can agree with you or disagree without fighting because everyone has a difference of opinion. Everyone is entitled to it as well. However some kind of cloud is over me or some kind of block is in my way that tells people to avoid me apparently because everyone does. I'm no one's priority yet people I get close to they are my priority I wish I could say it was still like that but it's not. I just have to remind myself that this is the rest of my life now I don't know how long I have hopefully not very long because this kind of existence is cruel I wish euthanasia was legally United States for mental health patients, but it isn't I would be happy to know there was a way out that was painless and easy However that kind of mercy doesn't exist in the United States of America. And I'm not just gonna jump ship just to go someplace that it's legalized and pray that I will be accepted for euthanasia. So I just have to cope with what I got and go with that for as long as possible because there is no other recourse I am well hated and I'm not well liked or loved all the people that love me are now dead My mother, my wife and my father so I wouldn't know what love is anymore It seems like a fleeting emotion that I once had in my heart, but it is no longer there because you have to have something in your heart to love for you to be able to love. Sure you can love yourself but I never could I hate myself I never could see what my wife saw in me but apparently it was something special for her to be married to me for 14 years before passing away. Anyways I could go on for hours discussing my grief and my pain and sorrow but that does no good But I have nowhere else to do it too without having the police called on me because I'm talking shit and people like to call 5150 on me Well given I have nobody to talk to or hang out with or anything like that I doubt that would happen But I think I'm going to take one of my Norcos I have and get some rest Maybe I'll have better dreams from the opioids