Im scared that ill never be able to do it and im just wasting my life planning it

[kk13]

I stopped actively attempting every night about a month ago. Now i just dont feel like doing it. I know im going to hang myself ive got the rope and everything. The semester is almost over now ive just got practicals and finals left then im going on vacation end of may. Then my birthday mid june. Ill turn 20. I really dont want to. When i look back on the last decade i truly can't remember anything meaningful. I hate my life i hate who i have become. Im not anticipating my twenties the way others are. I don't see anything good happening to me. Im not smart or extroverted or good at what makes money. I desperately want to leave. I know i wont get a good job because im not even working towards it. I only care about money so i can travel. Theres so much i want to see and if theres a possibility that it wont happen i dont want to live that life.
I cant fathom living a mediocre life. I know its not a good reason to ctb but i feel so hopeless. I wasted my teen years being depressed and shutting myself from the world. I know i wont magically make up for it now. I cant take another year of this. I hate that im so weak that i crack under just a bit of pressure. I didnt even want much just to make friends and do good in school.
I fucking ghosted my best friend 6 months ago. Im fucking horrible.

 

[meowbleh]

me too, i dread every single day waking up again and again :(

 

[groovygoober]

Yeah I get you , I'm 21 and its daunting to try to compete with people who have been living normal lives putting in normal effort to achieve one thing or the other . On one hand , It is Objectively not too late but years of this shit has changed my mental wiring things that were easy and almost routine now seem too hard to do .

If you are still in college the only advice I can give you is stick to something you like and do it everyday in a year you can probably get really good at whatever it is at least good enough to get a nice job , I have seen someone make that jump myself , I know its easier said than done but it should be said anyways. Before any of that , if possible you should try to address your mental health issue and reach out because its really hard to do anything when even waking up in the morning seems like the biggest hurdle in the world .

I am in an eerily similar mental state as you and even our choice of ctb method is the same and it has only been getting worse for a while now and I have given up on fighting it , I hope it gets better for you .