Venting I'm scared of getting locked up

[MathConspiracy]

Honestly, my breaking point is getting closer. This may be one of my last threads here.

I've started drinking. Cutting. Attempting hanging casually many times a week (partial to avoid raising suspicion in the house). I have no purpose in life and I don't enjoy anything anymore. I spend my time playing stupid online games in which I always lose. I'm unable to take care of my responsibilities. I don't think I'll be able to function in society for much longer.

ChatGPT says this won't resolve on its own, but I don't want it to. Everybody's trying to hook me up with a therapist, meds have been suggested too but I don't want them. I don't want to get better. I want something that'll light the spark of CTB for me. I don't want to heal for god's sake.

Do you think those pro-life bastards will imprison me for this? I just read that in my country they will if they determine that I really wanted to die. I have no sneaky way of killing myself because my rope won't tighten with a slipknot (partial) and FSH is not an option with my family at home. I have no way of getting SN past customs and I'm too afraid to OD with the prescription meds I have access to. The bridges here are not high enough. Buildings are locked down.

Do I just lie down and do nothing?

Edit: Sorry about this incoherent vent. I'm looking for methods to avoid forced hospitalization. I can't afford it due to a phobia which inhibits normal life. My SH scars are pretty visible and my lack of motivation to life is palpable. The country I live in is a pro-life utopia, they're gonna get me if I won't defend myself.

 

[Apokryphiel]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of that. Those pro-life bastards will never understand the things they preach. I hope nothing but the best comes for you.

 

[MathConspiracy]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of that. Those pro-life bastards will never understand the things they preach. I hope nothing but the best comes for you.

Thank you for the kind words, this place definitely beats r/SuicideWatch

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just so cruel to me how they wish to force and prolong suffering no matter what trapping people in this existence, I personally see so much cruelty in how painless ways to cease existing are denied. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Freebandzgang]

If you or someone sees signs that you will ctb then they will probably take you in. I have been feeling very similar but ive hidden it so well no one knows how im actually feeling. I dont want to scare you but it seems like if you do nothing eventually you will go to prison or mental hospital or whatever, you should choose a side. Also, What do you mean when you say your rope doesnt tighten in a slipknot?

 

[MathConspiracy]

If you or someone sees signs that you will ctb then they will probably take you in. I have been feeling very similar but ive hidden it so well no one knows how im actually feeling. I dont want to scare you but it seems like if you do nothing eventually you will go to prison or mental hospital or whatever, you should choose a side. Also, What do you mean when you say your rope doesnt tighten in a slipknot?

Yeah, fuck the pro-lifers. The only thing that can save me now is the fact that mental asylums are overcrowded in my country – some of the "patients" have to sleep on the floor. Horrible, right? Honestly, I really have to be subtle about this, I have a terrible phobia which would make my stay hell.

About the rope. I'm using a toy jump rope I found from the storage. I know it's not ideal but buying a rope in person would seem suspicious and Amazon deliveries are expensive. I've actually tested the jump rope for full suspension with a noose knot, and it works perfectly. But my family is at home most of the time so I can't do FSH, it'd be too obvious. Yesterday, when I reached the peak of my frustration again, I made a slipknot on the rope and tied it to the bedframe. I put the noose around my neck and started pulling to tighten it. The knot I'd made around the bedframe came loose. There was not enough friction.

 

[Freebandzgang]

Yeah, fuck the pro-lifers. The only thing that can save me now is the fact that mental asylums are overcrowded in my country – some of the "patients" have to sleep on the floor. Horrible, right? Honestly, I really have to be subtle about this, I have a terrible phobia which would make my stay hell.

Yeah, i think you should try to hide it as best you can so no one worries about you.

About the rope. I'm using a toy jump rope I found from the storage. I know it's not ideal but buying a rope in person would seem suspicious and Amazon deliveries are expensive. I've actually tested the jump rope for full suspension with a noose knot, and it works perfectly. But my family is at home most of the time so I can't do FSH, it'd be too obvious. Yesterday, when I reached the peak of my frustration again, I made a slipknot on the rope and tied it to the bedframe. I put the noose around my neck and started pulling to tighten it. The knot I'd made around the bedframe came loose. There was not enough friction.

What knot did you put around your bedframe? was it the slipknot? Im not sure if its different in your country but ive walked into a store multiple times just to buy rope and no one cared.

 

[Halfhourdays]

I'm currently under probation and share your fear. If I fail, I go back to jail, since I am pretty sure a suicide attempt is a probation violation. If I fail, I cannot get caught.

 

[Freebandzgang]

I'm currently under probation and share your fear. If I fail, I go back to jail, since I am pretty sure a suicide attempt is a probation violation. If I fail, I cannot get caught.

Going to jail for attempting to ctb is insane. That would just make the person want to ctb more, am i wrong? This seems like a really stupid thing. Society is fucked.

 

[Halfhourdays]

Going to jail for attempting to ctb is insane. That would just make the person want to ctb more, am i wrong? This seems like a really stupid thing. Society is fucked.

Yeah.

 

[MathConspiracy]

What knot did you put around your bedframe? was it the slipknot? Im not sure if its different in your country but ive walked into a store multiple times just to buy rope and no one cared.

Just a double half knot, I don't know many knots. If you have any tips please do share, would be much appreciated. I live in a country with high CTB rates so I guess nobody would care about me buying a rope – I mean I've already tried to freeze myself to death (not wearing jacket or shoes) at a public place. But it'd be so awkward. I think I'll wait till my basket is full and place an order on Amazon. Or maybe I can find a rope somewhere else.

 

[Freebandzgang]

Just a double half knot, I don't know many knots. If you have any tips please do share, would be much appreciated. I live in a country with high CTB rates so I guess nobody would care about me buying a rope – I mean I've already tried to freeze myself to death (not wearing jacket or shoes) at a public place. But it'd be so awkward. I think I'll wait till my basket is full and place an order on Amazon. Or maybe I can find a rope somewhere else.

i use a constrictor knot but i think my setup is different to yours. You could do some research for your type of bedframe (shape and angle, etc) and probably find a good knot for it. You can also ask an AI to help you get a good knot.

 

[pauly369]

Talking from experience its best not to reveal your true feelings to anyone.
Its tragic we cant be honest about something that causes us immense emotional pain.
But thats because we live in a sick pro - life society.

 

[MathConspiracy]

Talking from experience its best not to reveal your true feelings to anyone.
Its tragic we cant be honest about something that causes us immense emotional pain.
But thats because we live in a sick pro - life society.

Thanks for the heads up, the feelings keep bottling up and I have to resist the urge to tell my family/friends.

It's indeed one of the greatest tragedies of our time. I would happily go to see a therapist if I could talk about this. But what's the point in paying hundreds of dollars just to hold back your feelings?

 

[Halfhourdays]

Thanks for the heads up, the feelings keep bottling up and I have to resist the urge to tell my family/friends.

It's indeed one of the greatest tragedies of our time. I would happily go to see a therapist if I could talk about this. But what's the point in paying hundreds of dollars just to hold back your feelings?

A therapist might help. It's worth a shot.

 

[pauly369]

Thanks for the heads up, the feelings keep bottling up and I have to resist the urge to tell my family/friends.

It's indeed one of the greatest tragedies of our time. I would happily go to see a therapist if I could talk about this. But what's the point in paying hundreds of dollars just to hold back your feelings?

Yes, we shouldnt have to be forced to live with the pain alone and not be able to tell loved ones.
Its downright cruel.
Therapists are the worst because if you tell them certain things about how low you are feeling they will have you commited to a mental hospital.
I live in the UK and was betrayed by a therapist because I told him I was feeling actively suicidal.
I was sectioned for 28 days in a psych ward.

 

[MathConspiracy]

A therapist might help. It's worth a shot.

You're not wrong. But I don't think I'll ask for one as it'll take months until I can get my first appointment.

Yes, we shouldnt have to be forced to live with the pain alone and not be able to tell loved ones.
Its downright cruel.
Therapists are the worst because if you tell them certain things about how low you are feeling they will have you commited to a mental hospital.
I live in the UK and was betrayed by a therapist because I told him I was feeling actively suicidal.
I was sectioned for 28 days in a psych ward.

Oh lord, I'm so sorry for you. That's almost a month. Even criminals don't get sentences like that! I actually had a psychiatrist appointment booked and I was told by a family member that whatever I say there, I should NEVER mention my suicidal thoughts. But how can I heal without addressing those? What a paradox. I canceled that appointment.

 

[frommolecules2stars]

Thanks for the heads up, the feelings keep bottling up and I have to resist the urge to tell my family/friends.

It's indeed one of the greatest tragedies of our time. I would happily go to see a therapist if I could talk about this. But what's the point in paying hundreds of dollars just to hold back your feelings?

I am the very few lucky people who has someone to talk to that is pro-choice and also is in no position of power. Before he did become pro-choice, I did use a therapist as an outlet for my feelings. But I ended up abused and he threatened to call child protective services on my mother if she did not take me to the psych ward (I was 17 at the time). I recommend you stay wary of talking about this to a therapist, but I do not know your countries regulations. There could be a chance that the therapist could report you for wanting to CTB and end up locking you up. And you mean prison, not a psych ward, right? I can't imagine how traumatizing that would be for someone who is suicidal. I'd advise against the therapist.

 

[MathConspiracy]

I am the very few lucky people who has someone to talk to that is pro-choice and also is in no position of power. Before he did become pro-choice, I did use a therapist as an outlet for my feelings. But I ended up abused and he threatened to call child protective services on my mother if she did not take me to the psych ward (I was 17 at the time). I recommend you stay wary of talking about this to a therapist, but I do not know your countries regulations. There could be a chance that the therapist could report you for wanting to CTB and end up locking you up. And you mean prison, not a psych ward, right? I can't imagine how traumatizing that would be for someone who is suicidal. I'd advise against the therapist.

That's very lucky, enjoy! Oh and sorry for the confusion, I meant a psych ward not a prison. I was so angry at the time of writing that my word choices got… emotional. Thanks for your advise, I don't think I'll look for a therapist as it'd be just a waste of money.

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

Sometimes psychiatrists and psychologists fry our brains even more.

 

[~GeminiVII~]

I've started drinking. Cutting. Attempting hanging casually many times a week (partial to avoid raising suspicion in the house). I have no purpose in life and I don't enjoy anything anymore. I spend my time playing stupid online games in which I always lose. I'm unable to take care of my responsibilities. I don't think I'll be able to function in society for much longer.

Do you think those pro-life bastards will imprison me for this? I just read that in my country they will if they determine that I really wanted to die. I have no sneaky way of killing myself because my rope won't tighten with a slipknot (partial) and FSH is not an option with my family at home. I have no way of getting SN past customs and I'm too afraid to OD with the prescription meds I have access to. The bridges here are not high enough. Buildings are locked down.

Do I just lie down and do nothing?

you know, this is probably the most relatable post ive seen on here. my lifes pretty much the same, just with the added bonus that i cant afford any of the alcohol i drink. play stupid games just to lose and add rage to the list of emotions im feeling.
just like you, all of the ctb ideas i think of get cancelled with my parents just breathing over my neck. and a serotonin syndrome OD is the only thing i can do (and an OD on antidepressants is really not worth the pain).

sometimes i just lay here, look at the picture of my nan on my shelf and hope if i pray long enough she'll just take me back with her. then i wake up the next morning. not sure how much longer i can stick with this either. but you're not alone trust me.

 

[MathConspiracy]

you know, this is probably the most relatable post ive seen on here. my lifes pretty much the same, just with the added bonus that i cant afford any of the alcohol i drink. play stupid games just to lose and add rage to the list of emotions im feeling.
just like you, all of the ctb ideas i think of get cancelled with my parents just breathing over my neck. and a serotonin syndrome OD is the only thing i can do (and an OD on antidepressants is really not worth the pain).

sometimes i just lay here, look at the picture of my nan on my shelf and hope if i pray long enough she'll just take me back with her. then i wake up the next morning. not sure how much longer i can stick with this either. but you're not alone trust me.

I'm so sorry that you can relate, but it's relieving to hear that I'm not alone. I can't afford hard booze either, that's something I just take from my dad's collections. I hope the games you play are not as dumb as the ones I play (I just finished a stupid beer themed game). I've lost my energy to play anything more sophisticated.

I'm not on antidepressants, but ODing on them is as useless as doing so with stimulants.

I always wake up the next morning too, it really brings me down every time. And yes, there are lots of people like us out there, I wish you peace.

 

[~GeminiVII~]

I'm so sorry that you can relate, but it's relieving to hear that I'm not alone. I can't afford hard booze either, that's something I just take from my dad's collections. I hope the games you play are not as dumb as the ones I play (I just finished a stupid beer themed game). I've lost my energy to play anything more sophisticated.

I'm not on antidepressants, but ODing on them is as useless as doing so with stimulants.

I always wake up the next morning too, it really brings me down every time. And yes, there are lots of people like us out there, I wish you peace.

i personally just keep asking my friend if i can go to hers knowing her parents have a bar. my parents keep nothing in the house anymore "ALCOHOL IS A DEPRESSANT!"

trust me the games im playing aren't much better. either shitty horrors or im spending the banks money on pathetic cosmetics for online multiplayers only to play one game, feel like crap and turn it off.

i have loads of ADs just lying around. they do jack all so im not even taking them anymore. just creating a collection.

what a life we live eh! i wish you peace too tho. i guess we can hope things look up but im past hoping for dreams that don't exist ig.