I'm scared and don't know what to do... please, someone, help...

[HortEr162]

I fucked up.

I'll try for this to be as short as possible.

For two years now, I've been in a horrible depressive episode combined with a crisis caused by my anxiety. I had to drop out of school just in my senior year and everything because it was all too much. I somehow managed to finish my studies online. I barely get out of the house (like 2 times per month), and I don't have energy for anything. I go days without eating and I struggle to do basic things like taking a shower or brushing my teeth. I mostly spend my days on bed, paralyzed by anxiety and low energy. I just stopped doing everything. I liked doing a lot of things but I stopped doing them. Now I just sleep or scroll through social media. That's it. I hate myself.

I went to some therapists but none of them worked- I had very bad experiences with them. I had to stop going to them because of financial reasons. Shit, mental health is so expensive. I also went to a psychiatrist last year. He prescribed me some pills that were supposed to help with both my anxiety and depression (I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder). They didn't help, in fact, they made things worse. They ruined my sleep and made me even more anxious. I stopped taking them. I then went to another session with him, and long story short, I discovered he was an asshole. He made fun of me and my issues and fucking laughed at me.

There's just so many emotions and stuff I can't just fit on a single post. I feel lost. I feel like I was doomed from the start. Since I was a kid I knew there was something wrong with me but I don't fucking know what it is. I feel like all of this is just the result of having ignored all my emotions and other stuff for so long. It's complicated. And there's also the situation with some medical issues I should've addressed sooner but I didn't and FUCK, I'm fucking scared.

I attempted last December. It was the perfect opportunity. My parents were out of town and I also researched and prepared everything I needed. But long story short, it didn't go well. Shit. I panicked and couldn't fucking continue.

I just want to die. I'm scared of everything. I want to die, please. But y'know why I also panicked when I attempted? Because I was scared of surviving and ending up like a vegetable. It's a possibility that fucking scares me, and that's always there, no matter what method you use.

I feel such a burden to my parents. I don't have the best relationship with them but still, I feel so guilty. I mean, if it wasn't for them, I'd be on the streets. I'm legally an adult now (I'm 18, almost 19). I mostly help with doing chores around the house. They also have a business, and I also try to help with that, mostly working from home, doing some things.

I was supposed to go to college last January, but I just couldn't. I told them I'll rather start studying next semester, and they accepted. And it feels weird what I'm going to say next, since my parents are a reason for my depression and have damaged me in a lot of ways, but they've been surprisingly understanding with me since I got like this, given the complicated relationship we have. I was supposed to start working with them full time when I graduated, but they understood that I wasn't feeling well and let me work from home. I also noticed they try to cheer me up sometimes, bringing me my favorite food sometimes and stuff. It's such a confusing and complicated feeling. On one hand, I'm so grateful with them I just want to cry. I feel like I don't deserve this, and I should just be thrown onto the streets and left to die. And on the other hand, I can't just forget these are the same people who have done horrible things to me.

And there's also my sister. She lives in another country right now but it's the only person I fully trust right now. She's the only person who knows about my attempt. When I told her about it, she started to cry and it fucking broke my heart. Shit, it's even difficult to write about this. After I told her that, she suggested me to go back to therapy and that she'll pay for it. We both looked for a therapist that might be a good fit for me and found one. I started going a month ago or so and so far it's been pretty difficult as I struggle to open up on therapy, but honestly I think this therapist is way more decent than the ones I met before. I dunno. I still don't trust her on some things. It scares me.

Now, as I mentioned before, I was supposed to go to college the next semester, right? Well, that next semester is now. For what I've seen applications are open but at the same time I have no clue. I can't find an exact date on when applications close on their site. And classes start in June/July I think. I'm so fucking scared. I don't even know what I want to study. But at the same time, I do want to go to college, it's just… complicated. All of this is so overwhelming. How do I do this when I even have trouble brushing my teeth, and I've spent the last two years of my life doing nothing? I just want to die. And also, I can't keep working from home forever. My parents expect me to go work there in-person as soon as I can.

And there's also some medical issues that I neglected before and that can potentially ruin my life later. And there's also my height. I'm pretty short for my age, I'm 1.60m and most likely I'll stay like this for the rest of my life, right? Since most people stop growing at 18. And we know this can also potentially make my life worse, since almost no one takes short people seriously, and it's known this can affect my ability to get a job and other stuff. Great, just great.

And there's also a lot other stuff that's pretty difficult to get into words now.

Honestly I decided that I'll want to get euthanasia in a few years. It can be possible, keeping in mind the medical conditions I just mentioned. I just need the money, and some more medical history.

I've been also convincing myself that, in another life, I was happy. Not in this one. And that's okay, really.

But at the same time it's not fucking okay. I wish I was happy in this life. I wish I didn't have to cope like this, wishing that, in another life, things were better. I wish this was the life where things were better. I wish I didn't have to consider euthanasia just to stop suffering. It fucking sucks.

A part of me still wants to fight, to see where I can get in this life, but I'm so fucking scared. I just want a hug.

Does anyone have any ideas about what could I do now...? A suggestion, anything, please...

 

[loser4ever4life]

I think you should first and foremost calm down, what you've described is a situation where you need help. I think for you right now, this would be an impulsive decision that I strongly advise against.

Call advisors at your school tomorrow, try again with the mental health stuff (it takes time with different people)

 

[hopeless-believer]

First I can offer is a big virtual hug.
You've been strong and resilient and very self reflective on how you have come to be where you are. That's pretty incredible. Many people lack the insight on this. You seem to want to try and move forward but the anxiety and depression are trying to rule you, but they are not in control. You can be. You are much stronger than you think, and you are young. Alot of people don't tell you the truth of how difficult the years can be then, it's not all or nothing, it is a journey that we all take on at different speeds, levels and it's not a straight path.

But beginning is sometimes key. You do t enjoy where your life is at right now. Make that leap and apply. Its a massive leap I know. But just do it.

Second, medical issues can be terrifying or the fear of the unknown of was this my fault. It is not your fault. And being medically ill again isn't an all or nothing. I've been sick since I was a child and yet I studied at uni for 7yrs and have worked for the last 13yrs. Take it one breath and step at a time, it's so hard with the anxiety, I know.

Thirdly, short people aren't ridiculed or not taken seriously, it's the merit and character of the individual that matters. Tall idiots are still idiots and no one likes them. Its so different to what people might have said in high school. That doesn't carry on.. if you're male you continuing growing till at least 21, often til 25, if your female you finish growing between 12-14 usually.

Take a breath, have a cuppa tea.
Take care, wishing you the best

I think you should first and foremost calm down, what you've described is a situation where you need help. I think for you right now, this would be an impulsive decision that I strongly advise against.

Call advisors at your school tomorrow, try again with the mental health stuff (it takes time with different people)

Great advice here

 

[Worndown]

One thing at a time.
Focus on this life for now.
Check on registration deadlines.
See what is available.
See if anything interests you.

Not all mental health professionals are good. Pills did not work, they should adjust. Some are just pill pushers with a favorite diagnosis. I know several that went through this. Find someone else.

This is a start.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

You're almost 19 and you help with chores around the house? As an older dad, I'd say you are pure gold. And being shorter is not much of a drawback in real life, I mean, it is, but everyone has something that takes points off their score, and height is not the worst thing by far. I'm not trying to "cheer you up", because I don't come here to be "cheered up" myself. I'm just sharing some observations. About hugs... one time when I was younger and stressed out by something, I had this strange vision of sorts of an older version of myself coming back in time to give myself a hug and tell me it was going to be ok. Oddly enough, now that I am older, if I could, I would do exactly that. Almost like it actually happened. I'm crazy, I know. I hope you find your way.

 

[getoutgirl]

I've been there. It's such a hopelesness state and daily dread. It eats you alive from the inside.
Glad you have a sister to confide, sometimes a good close person is all it takes to stay afloat another day. Cherish her, I know you do.
I agree with the above users that I don't think you should take your life, I get the urge and desperation to do it when living is such an anxious experience and the future seems so shaky.
I went to uni to a random degree I picked the day before it was due, dropped out after two years of misery like yours without getting any professional help at all until that point. You've got some ground covered on that at least. And having that help during it can make it a lot easier.
Stick to that therapist if you get better vibes from her, at least for a while. They are people, and like people some suck, and they can also be of tremendous and surprising help with time.

You've got a lot going on at once in a pretty shitty mental state, so it's only normal it is overwhelming. Take it one step at a time if you can, it can feel like threading through a flood, million things going by, but any small victory is enormous if you get to do it. See what courses could interest you, call the uni if you can (I learned way too late you can just do that to ask whatever and they can do nothing about it. It did take me about an hour of anxious rehersal before calling, so I get it, but each time it was worth it). But most importantly try and take it easy on yourself whenever posible, not gonna be always, but catch those chances.

If you wish you were happy in this life, If there is still a part of you that wants to figh, hold on to that. Cling to that hope like a fire. It can rekindle and feel warm with time. You just gotta push through and you do not have to do it alone.

If having a thread open for updates or just venting can help, do so. Also I am around for that too, and people here aswell. Great advice from everyone here too. Hold on to anything.

I could go on, but honestly I'd just want to give you all my hugs I have right now <33333333
I believe you want this and you can achieve it.

 

[HortEr162]

One thing at a time.
Focus on this life for now.
Check on registration deadlines.
See what is available.
See if anything interests you.

Call advisors at your school tomorrow, try again with the mental health stuff (it takes time with different people)

First I can offer is a big virtual hug.
You've been strong and resilient and very self reflective on how you have come to be where you are. That's pretty incredible. Many people lack the insight on this. You seem to want to try and move forward but the anxiety and depression are trying to rule you, but they are not in control. You can be. You are much stronger than you think, and you are young. Alot of people don't tell you the truth of how difficult the years can be then, it's not all or nothing, it is a journey that we all take on at different speeds, levels and it's not a straight path.

But beginning is sometimes key. You do t enjoy where your life is at right now. Make that leap and apply. Its a massive leap I know. But just do it.

Second, medical issues can be terrifying or the fear of the unknown of was this my fault. It is not your fault. And being medically ill again isn't an all or nothing. I've been sick since I was a child and yet I studied at uni for 7yrs and have worked for the last 13yrs. Take it one breath and step at a time, it's so hard with the anxiety, I know.

Thirdly, short people aren't ridiculed or not taken seriously, it's the merit and character of the individual that matters. Tall idiots are still idiots and no one likes them. Its so different to what people might have said in high school. That doesn't carry on.. if you're male you continuing growing till at least 21, often til 25, if your female you finish growing between 12-14 usually.

Take a breath, have a cuppa tea.
Take care, wishing you the best

Great advice here

You're almost 19 and you help with chores around the house? As an older dad, I'd say you are pure gold. And being shorter is not much of a drawback in real life, I mean, it is, but everyone has something that takes points off their score, and height is not the worst thing by far. I'm not trying to "cheer you up", because I don't come here to be "cheered up" myself. I'm just sharing some observations. About hugs... one time when I was younger and stressed out by something, I had this strange vision of sorts of an older version of myself coming back in time to give myself a hug and tell me it was going to be ok. Oddly enough, now that I am older, if I could, I would do exactly that. Almost like it actually happened. I'm crazy, I know. I hope you find your way.

I've been there. It's such a hopelesness state and daily dread. It eats you alive from the inside.
Glad you have a sister to confide, sometimes a good close person is all it takes to stay afloat another day. Cherish her, I know you do.
I agree with the above users that I don't think you should take your life, I get the urge and desperation to do it when living is such an anxious experience and the future seems so shaky.
I went to uni to a random degree I picked the day before it was due, dropped out after two years of misery like yours without getting any professional help at all until that point. You've got some ground covered on that at least. And having that help during it can make it a lot easier.
Stick to that therapist if you get better vibes from her, at least for a while. They are people, and like people some suck, and they can also be of tremendous and surprising help with time.

You've got a lot going on at once in a pretty shitty mental state, so it's only normal it is overwhelming. Take it one step at a time if you can, it can feel like threading through a flood, million things going by, but any small victory is enormous if you get to do it. See what courses could interest you, call the uni if you can (I learned way too late you can just do that to ask whatever and they can do nothing about it. It did take me about an hour of anxious rehersal before calling, so I get it, but each time it was worth it). But most importantly try and take it easy on yourself whenever posible, not gonna be always, but catch those chances.

If you wish you were happy in this life, If there is still a part of you that wants to figh, hold on to that. Cling to that hope like a fire. It can rekindle and feel warm with time. You just gotta push through and you do not have to do it alone.

If having a thread open for updates or just venting can help, do so. Also I am around for that too, and people here aswell. Great advice from everyone here too. Hold on to anything.

I could go on, but honestly I'd just want to give you all my hugs I have right now <33333333
I believe you want this and you can achieve it.

Thanks y'all for your words, seriously thanks, y'all made me cry ;( I swear that after I write this comment, I'll go to their website and start doing the process. They have a degree, industrial design, which seems interesting. They also have another one about videogame development... I'll see. I guess I'll give any updates here. I'll see what I can do.