HarmonicScreams
They/them
- Apr 30, 2023
- 25
So I am back after deactivating my account for a couple years. I am not sure exactly how long it has been,. I don't know or remember exactly what I have posted here in the past. I don't even want to look because I will probably just cringe.
I know that I am just posting to the void at this point. But I might as well share my thoughts, even if they are worthless. Why not?
I don't have any support system atm and my job is wearing me down. I have been on a sort of hedonistic treadmill, although the pleasure is limited. I don't have a purpose in life because I have felt for most of my time on this planet that purpose/meaning is an incoherent concept. I have had things in the past that I deeply care about subjectively, but now I don't even care about them. There are things I like and dislike, and that is as far as my emotions go. At least in the positive direction.
On a spreadsheet, my life looks pretty decent. It feels pretty cringe to complain here and say I want to kill myself when I have everything I need besides social/emotional support. I got 2 cats, my own apartment, a decent salary, but empty empty empty. I try to find friends but in your late 20's getting close to 30's it feels almost impossible to find genuine friends. I might hang out with someone for a couple times. They might genuinely like me as a person, and I might genuinely like them, but their life is so much more busy, important, and fuller than mine that we would rarely hang out together. So I don't consider them genuine friends. I'm the person that gets asked to hangout as a last thought.
I gave up completely after a while on trying to find new social connections. I didn't feel like it was possible. And also, the rejection felt far worse than any acceptance could ever feel. It's like stabbing an already open wound. Maybe betrayal is the word I am looking for. I feel betrayed, not necessarily by the friends who are too busy for me (I don't blame them) but on the people who sold me the idea that friendship is a real thing.
I'm constantly horrified by the reality that we are all machines. That empathy and understanding are all mere illusions. We act in ways in which we are programmed. Some people are programmed with "empathy" and some people are not, but what I feel is certain is that empathy does not actually act as we conceive it to be. Deep down I believe all people are selfish, and it makes the betrayal I feel, the pain of social rejection, feel all the more meaningless. There is no extraneous substance of honor in the universe, it is a story people tell themselves because to believe in it made our genes replicate more. It's a chaotic happenstance. I feel the understanding that free will is an illusion might be a cognitive hazard, as the illusion makes life bearable and we are able to construct narratives out of it.
The magic of life is what I miss the most. I have none of it now. To be able to witness something and wonder, to be curious, all of that is gone now. I am trapped in a hell where I must pay in pain to give pleasure, with diminishing returns. That is all that is there for me now. The end.
I know that I am just posting to the void at this point. But I might as well share my thoughts, even if they are worthless. Why not?
I don't have any support system atm and my job is wearing me down. I have been on a sort of hedonistic treadmill, although the pleasure is limited. I don't have a purpose in life because I have felt for most of my time on this planet that purpose/meaning is an incoherent concept. I have had things in the past that I deeply care about subjectively, but now I don't even care about them. There are things I like and dislike, and that is as far as my emotions go. At least in the positive direction.
On a spreadsheet, my life looks pretty decent. It feels pretty cringe to complain here and say I want to kill myself when I have everything I need besides social/emotional support. I got 2 cats, my own apartment, a decent salary, but empty empty empty. I try to find friends but in your late 20's getting close to 30's it feels almost impossible to find genuine friends. I might hang out with someone for a couple times. They might genuinely like me as a person, and I might genuinely like them, but their life is so much more busy, important, and fuller than mine that we would rarely hang out together. So I don't consider them genuine friends. I'm the person that gets asked to hangout as a last thought.
I gave up completely after a while on trying to find new social connections. I didn't feel like it was possible. And also, the rejection felt far worse than any acceptance could ever feel. It's like stabbing an already open wound. Maybe betrayal is the word I am looking for. I feel betrayed, not necessarily by the friends who are too busy for me (I don't blame them) but on the people who sold me the idea that friendship is a real thing.
I'm constantly horrified by the reality that we are all machines. That empathy and understanding are all mere illusions. We act in ways in which we are programmed. Some people are programmed with "empathy" and some people are not, but what I feel is certain is that empathy does not actually act as we conceive it to be. Deep down I believe all people are selfish, and it makes the betrayal I feel, the pain of social rejection, feel all the more meaningless. There is no extraneous substance of honor in the universe, it is a story people tell themselves because to believe in it made our genes replicate more. It's a chaotic happenstance. I feel the understanding that free will is an illusion might be a cognitive hazard, as the illusion makes life bearable and we are able to construct narratives out of it.
The magic of life is what I miss the most. I have none of it now. To be able to witness something and wonder, to be curious, all of that is gone now. I am trapped in a hell where I must pay in pain to give pleasure, with diminishing returns. That is all that is there for me now. The end.
