I hope it's something we're able to heal from. I want to keep having sex, but ideally in a healthy way. I want to have a good relationship with pleasure. I'm avoiding alcohol at the moment. I'm really sorry you're going through this. I don't know if I'm addicted, but I'm definitely using things I shouldn't to cope.
I hope things get better for you too. It's awful being lost.
<3<3 you're on the right track; this is a rough situation, but you really are doing your best now <3<3<3. things
will improve, with time and change; keep going, keep seeking; you will find the healing you are looking for dear forumsibling
I promise I was once a really cool person that people liked and some admired. I used to be worthy of it. Where is my fucking moral compass now. I'm going to catch something. Someone will lie and screenshot. Someone will not stop choking me and I'll actually die.
I need help. I'm in a haze.
I understand there is a lot of anxiety you are experiencing about the future now <3<3.
It IS possible to rebuild your habits <3<3. You have remarkable insight about what you REALLY want amidst this situation. You feel violated, out of control, and you are honest with yourself that you WANT healthy pleasure.
But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of rejecting pleasure and praising pain arose.
I will disclose that whole thing itself,
which was said by that inventor of truth, like the architect of the good life.
No one rejects, dislikes or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure;
but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure by rationality encounter great pains.
And there is no one who loves pain itself, pursues it, and wants to snag it, because it is pain;
but because occasionally, such times arise, that for labor and great pain, one might seek pleasure.
—Cicero [De Finibus 1:34]
You were abused in a vulnerable spot. You
were pressured into accepting that even though you felt unsure about it. Of course going forward you always have the choice to decide what you like, but I am being dishonest if I do not factor in the oppressed nature of that encounter. I am truly sorry. You are not to blame for that disrespect that you were viewed with, and your own economic struggle is not merely a matter of "merit", but so many different factors that have complex interplay in your life. It wasn't all your fault. And I dare say it was far more not your fault; majoritarily, not your fault.
I encourage you to find new healthy vectors to pour yourself into. If you are on a ship you don't want to be on, it is better to
find another ship to jump to first, rather than jumping in the water. Because once you're in the water, your old ship will seem more tempting than other. Find something
else to devote yourself to.
David Foster Wallace, author of Infinite Jest—a book with themes of addiction, entertainment, of both hedonism and anhedonia—believed this: "Everyone worships something". By understanding this, we begin to have a
choice of what to worship.
Change
is possible. It will have pain, and it will take time. But the pain of changing will be less than the pain of stagnation, and the time saved will be far far greater than any time spent from trying to move forward.
You will have relapses. That's okay. Your relapses are not character failures but merely mechanical failures. You are trying to hone and clean and fix your mechanisms. Sometimes they will give out here and there. That's okay <3. Keep retuning, honing, trying. You will find the healing you are looking for ❤.
I'm so hypersexual now. I'm kind of scared. I'm either engaging in some form of sexual activity or I'm imagining my own death.
It seems you were sexually traumatized by that event you mentioned earlier. I encourage you to find support groups of people who have experienced sexual abuse; they will be able to relate to your experiences of hypersexuality, guilt, and trauma. There are many people here as well who have known such things; I think you would find a lot of relatability if you were to make a thread here. But whether it is here, or in support groups, or even just phonelines or online resources, what you experienced has been experienced by others, too, and your pain doesn't have to be borne alone <3.
In the end, you are totally capable of changing your habits, day-to-day emotional experience, and the trajectories of your life and days. It will take time. But it will give you time, too ❤. It will be painful. But it will relieve and free you from so so much pain, too ❤. It will be worth it. You got this <3
.
Continue on your trajectory of healing <3. You will want to stop trying at parts, and have periods of giving up. That's okay <3. That's part of the process; it's part of the journey, giving up at times. Allow yourself to have those "fuck everything" moments; it's like crying; it gets the tears out, it gets the pain out. It's better to cry it out than to hold it within, when you can. Crying can be difficult, too; luckily there are countless other ways to let it out too <3.
I don't have a clear end for this post, but; I want to express there is so so much you can do to grow more peace and heal pain in your life from here on out <3<3. Feel free to reply or message me if you have absolutely any questions at all. Best wishes; there is so so much hope for you <3<3
.
